SRC hit by councillor resignations

In a frankly unsurprising sudden shock development yesterday the Student Representative Council for Rhodes University lost three of its key members in the space of a week. The sudden resignations have left gaping holes in the Council, with the remaining members scrambling to restore order.

“We’re doing everything we can,” said hopefully not temporary Student Relations Councillor Will Mysguideu. “We should be back to our old self in no time at all.”

The council now has just four members, making it the largest working SRC since the infamous 1948 SRC that had four members and one guy who sort of did his job, kind of.

The first announcement came forward when Student Benefits Councillor Gohta Newjob and Kanpullout Firi, the Residence Councillor, both submitted their resignations. According to Noah Moorapathy, a third-year student who went to one grazzle and a student body meeting (thereby making him a relative expert among his peers), the move was not well received. 

“Miss Firi announced that she was not in residence anymore, which was strange because that’s kind of the whole the point of the job she took on  last year, isn’t it?” he said. Sources close to the ex-Councillor have pointed fingers at Tuesday's braised club steak for the sudden dramatic turn of events, citing its gross unchewability as the cause for her move.

“What with that hard meat being served with a gooey sauce over hard potatoes, I don’t see how the SRC could have avoided this catastrophe,” said Jerick Hoffay, who asked not to be named but screw him because he didn’t reply to our emails quickly enough.

The two resignations were almost immediately followed by the resignation of the council’s Media Councillor. In 2012, she ran a campaign aimed at trying to convince everyone that she could do the job, no problems. Yesterday an apology was posted by the ex-Councillor, saying that she didn’t know the job of Media Councillor involved such a heavy media focus.

She has since reportedly been nominated for the prestigious Sod Murphy prize for irony.

Upon learning that there is no Interacting With Students On A Personal Basis, Not Virtually Via Facebook, Twitter, Etc Councillor position, she decided to take the position of Student Benefits.

However, the SRC has been quick to assure fretful students that they needn’t worry. In what is being called the quickest SRC post ever on the SRC’s facebook page that totally hasn’t been hijacked by people looking to buy textbooks for their various courses, SRC President Willhyre Anybahdi reacted to student outcry by saying that the SRC was immediately looking to fill in the positions.

“After the grazzle, voting process, failed voting process, renominations and resubmissions of manifestos, second grazzle and second voting process that only just makes quorum, we should have a full SRC in time to wish us all a merry Christmas,” he said. Student Politics commentators have responded by calling it the boldest plan of the SRC since getting Jack Parow to Tri-Var, which, let's just be honest, was flippin' awesome.

One small dubstep for man...

Many of us have at one stage in our life danced to what sounds like four robots having a seizure inside an oversized industrial garbage compacter, but there are very few who are clued up as to how this musical genre became a clubbing staple. Thanks to startling new evidence uncovered by researchers at the Department of Research in Underground Music and the Bachman Association for Statistical Studies, the true origins of this musical form have been thrust into the spotlight.

“It all started in early 2003,” says Head Researcher for the teams from DRUM and BASS, Rone Exskill. “According to a diary entry by a smalltime DJ at a small indie event in California, he spilt his drink on the soundboard, causing it to malfunction. Being a student, he couldn’t afford the repairs to the expensive hardware, and so he just kept acting like he was DJ’ing.”

The ploy worked, and slowly the secret spread. By Spring of 2005, Disc Jockeys across the country had their own busted equipment. 

Some of the early equipment is now housed in the Museum of Dubstep.

“It was a golden era, man,” recalls ex-DJ LooseKable. “I remember we’d all go around old tips and to Cash Crusaders and buy up all their crappy equipment. The more pops, squeaks and feedback we could get, the better. Sometimes we’d put all of our CDs and equipment onto one wooden base and throw it off a building – hence the expression, ‘dropping the base’. And best of all is that the people didn’t even notice. Hell, we were praised as geniuses.”

Dubstep DJs became more and more creative and bold with their music mixing, making more and more complex tracks to dance to, or rather, to shake your body back and forth like a velociraptor to while you reel around drunk, a cigarette in your hand that you’re not even smoking.

“We started playing around with all kinds of completely effed music,” tells LooseKable. “Broken CDs, cracked vinyls… even a few Nickleback albums.”

It wasn’t to last, however. Soon, the secret methods behind early dubstep had reached ears further to the East coast. New and more creative forms of dubstep coming from emerging talent forced the old stuff into obsolescence.

“After early 2006, things just weren’t the same again,” recall ex-DJs PoppedWoofer and WhiteNoiz. “A whole new bunch of DJs swept in and changed the whole game. Ever since Skrillex dropped his phone into a blender whilst Transformers 3 was playing on a broken television in the background, there’s been a lot of fierce competition.”

The early pioneers of the music genre were soon left without a crowd. “They moved on quickly,” said WhiteNoiz. He now works in Debonairs – the only place, he says, where he can still drop the base from time to time, even if his manager threatens to fire him after each offence.

When asked whether he’ll ever touch his decks again, WhiteNoiz smiles. “I’ve been playing around with a new form of dubstep: live dubstep. I’ve had marginal success with forcing a bunch of cats and a screwy microphone into a bag and beating it against a sheet of tin, but we’ll just have to see where it goes from here.”

Global shortages could destroy Valentine’s

Massive shortages of many of the traditional gifts exchanged on Valentine’s Day have swept across the world, sending many would-be wooers into frenzies of anxiety.

“I can’t buy roses, chocolate, champagne, lingerie or crappily-made, vomit-inducing slogan-wearing teddy bears – how will I ever show my date that I truly care about her?” said an enraged lover, Givemore M.T Jestures.

Since the days of the Classical Greek Period, Valentine’s Day has been celebrated with cheap roses and tacky, too-expensive gifts. With this strong tradition rocked to its core, many are expressing concerns over whether the day will work at all.

“In the earliest of Greek mythological texts, Cupid is portrayed as having a magical bow and arrow that he used to make famous romantic figures fall in love. However, a new text unearthed and translated by the Woolworth’s Ancient Text Translation Division has shown that it was the fluffy cotton puppy (R895) and matching his-hers red heart-covered towels (R12 560) that sealed the deal,” said historian and sales rep Dusty Toams.

With gifts like these unavailable, statisticians across the world have predicted a 100000% rise in the divorce rate

Thousands of woman across the globe are expressing concerns that these shortages will affect the purity of this traditional day of romance.

“Up until yesterday, when Woolworth’s still had fluffy hearts and overpriced chocolates in small, red, heart-shaped tins, I was certain that my husband loved me deeply,” said one wife. “Now that there’s nothing to get tomorrow morning, how can I be sure that he still does?”

Many of the Valentine’s celebrators are steeling themselves for the day, preparing for the worst.

“I’ve already called my lawyer and had the divorce papers pre-signed and waiting in a DHL RushXpress box,” tells 28-year-old Janice Koldhaart. “I haven’t been able to get my husband anything yet – I just know he has divorce papers of his own squirreled away somewhere.”

However, international suppliers of sweat-shop handmade fluffy toys and unfair child labour intensively-produced red roses have issued statements saying that contingencies are falling into place and that customers should not be worried.

“We’re working as hard as we can to right the wrongs and end these severe shortages. We care very deeply about our customers, and would hate to inconvenience them,” said spokesperson for international rose supplier C&K Jones. “Also, if this day doesn’t happen, we’ll lose millions.”

Customers have reacted to this news with savage relief.

“I don’t know what I’d have done,” said 22-year-old student James Mooney. “Imagine if I’d had to do something… dare I say the word… meaningful? Eugh!”

Scientists warn: First-Year spread epidemic looms

Scientists have this morning issued an early warning against the most dreaded of diseases among 18- and 19-year-old university students: First-Year Spread.

Scientists first spotted the early stages of the syndrome on Monday afternoon.

“We’re looking at early data, and the results are nothing short of shocking,” said head scientist of the Institute for the Prevention of First-Year Spread, John McCullen. Pointing to a graph that we were too lazy to scan and copy onto this page, he outlined the growing problem.

“You see, at first everything was fine. The upper torso was in a normal state, and in general the BMI was staying at a constant 21. But suddenly, here,” he said, pointing at a spike that you’ll never see thanks to lazy journalism, “we see an increase in the uptake of free seconds in the dining hall, and a jump in the frequency of Normal Fast, Doritos, alcohol and late-night pies. Coupled with no more sport, and a relaxed, liberal view of baggy clothing, we can see that disaster looms just around the corner.”

According to a 300-page study published by the IPFYS, the trouble reportedly started with a triple-decker meaty surprise at the Rat and Parrot, which was further aggravated by three BP pies, ten beers and a Steri Stumpie. “Really, it was the Steri Stumpie that was the final straw. It might say ‘Low Fat’, but let’s just be serious, okay? It’s a milkshake, people,” said McCullen. 

The syndrome's leading cause: fucking huge, revolting cheeseburgers.

According to the institute’s scientists, the FYS plague might spread as far as the hips, thighs and stomach by early July, with full body meltdown by the end of August unless something is done now.

“It’s crucial that we catch this in the early stages,” he said. “Without definitive action now, all traces of that little bit of hockey and swimming you did in high school will utterly vanish before Tri-Var. By Christmas, your arms will look like the pudding that your mom will inevitably serve.”

Artist's rendition of advanced sufferer of FYS.

McCullen added that even for those exhibiting the early symptoms, such as wearing clothing that’s termed “loose-fit” or “my comfortable top”, and forever threatening to go to the gym, there is still time. “It’s not too late,” he said. “Just eat some goddamn carrots. I mean, you go to Pick n’ Pay and dump chips, wine and bread down your face-hole - would it kill you to get something green that isn’t Crème Soda or Cheese and Onion Lays?”

However, many have refuted the institute’s claims, saying that the report lacks the necessary hard evidence to back up its findings.

“There is no direct evidence linking the consumption of food and concurrent decrease in exercise to the gain of weight and fatty deposits. At best there is only an anecdotal and statistical relationship. Come on, next they’ll tell us that smoking causes cancer,” said CEO of Pick n’ Pay and local pie magnate Jeremy Baker. “This claim is not only absurd and ridiculous, but it also completely ignores the fact that who the hell eats vegetables at 3am?”

Economy, citizens take massive knock as exams end

South Africa as a whole has been left reeling this morning, as exams ended across the country, with many citizens reporting massive trauma and memory loss, and financial experts saying that the economy might take years to recover.

South Africa ten minutes before losing economic stability.

"The unemployment rate rose drastically this morning," said financial analyst Luke Atstats. "Even taking into account our provisions for degrees we knew would definitely end up with unemployment, the figure is incredibly higher than we first predicted. The country may take years to recover."

The South African economy has been left in shambles due to other massive knocks stemming from this occurrence, too. 

"Entire sectors of the economy, such as our energy drinks industry and our homeopathic study aids and stress-reducer production industries have both been hit by their lowest recorded sales, ever," said Minister of Finance, Miss Spen Daquash.

"However," she continued, "this has been counterbalanced to a certain degree by a marked increase in sales of wine, hard liquor, and late-night pies."

The sales figures speak for themselves (not literally, of course. Because that would mean that an inanimate graph has the ability to reason and state opinions/facts on its own behalf, which would require some higher levels of intelligence, thus opening the door to all kinds of theoretical debates concerning whether or not a chart has a soul. Which it doesn't.)

However, the economy is not the only thing to have suffered a massive knock: peoples' brains have been left scrambled, thanks to this new event.

According to post-exam surveys conducted around the country, many students have been left with massive memory loss and confusion.

"I walked out of my Maths exam, and looked down at the paper," said student Joel N. Hard, "and all of a sudden I couldn't understand a single sigil or sign on the paper. It was like reading gibberish, hieroglyphics, or my doctor's prescriptions."

Other students are reporting similar loss of memory. "I looked through [the paper] afterwards, and now I'm not even sure that "despatialised commonality" and "geosyncrinocity" are real words," said 20-year-old Gohan Toufeil.

Youtube and many other internet sites are also reporting a massive drop in numbers of people spending hours and hours on their sites playing games or repeatedly watching and sharing that hilarious video of that monkey accidentally hitting itself in the nuts with a rock.

"People just aren't bored anymore, Now they have better things to do with their time, and it really has hit us hard. We've had to lay off at least one guy in our offices," said CEO of Youtube, Wayne Stintime. 

However, many parents and lecturers have reacted positively to this sudden event.

"Thank god. If I had to repeat that whole 'ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Great Hall, blah blah, cellphones are switched off, blah blah' I would have killed myself," said Physics lecturer Oliver Newton. "I'm just glad it's all over," he said, before bursting into tears when we told him about aegrotat exams.

"I have no comment," said Dean of Students, Divian ke Vlerk. "Why are you still writing down what I'm saying? Stop it. Stop writing. I mean it. If you don't put that pen down, I'll call security and have you taken out. John, call CPU," she said.

"I'm glad exams are over," said your father with relief. "That means I don't have to pay for so-called 'books' and 'sundry expenses' every weekend. Like I don't know where my money is doing," he said, rolling his eyes. He went on to add that this new phase of life did come with many particular challenges, particularly on how, exactly, he is going to spend all this money that he has now that your ass has to get a real job.

Many students have also reacted positively. 

"I don't care if I can't remember a single thing I studies for. It's all in the past," said Tony Jones, cracking open a beer as if he hadn't been drinking during exams anyway.

Experts, however, have been quick to warn of an impending rise in depression.

"Analysis of historical trends have shown that this burst of elation is only temporary," said lead researcher Alan Yze. "There is always a boom that lasts a few weeks, but suddenly, in mid-December, there is widespread depression and bitter remorse."

Expect to weep bitterly and an existential crisis as you reconsider your choice of career sometime in late December.

SRC posts in SRC page; students gasp in awe

At approximately 7pm this evening, reports from numerous students at Rhodes University indicated that a real-life SRC member actually posted in the Rhodes SRC page.

"I was absolutely blown away," said one student who was speaking metaphorically.

This makes this the 5th SRC member sighting this year, and the first report of an SRC post in this group in the history of Rhodes.

According to the Head of the Department of Mythology and Folklore, Billy Vitornot, the SRC is a group of super-beings charged with making the university a better place. According to the myth, they vanished in early 2009, amid a storm of confusion, superstition, and Spur vouchers.

"The last time we saw such strong evidence of someone in charge was in the General Lecture Theatre earlier this year, where almost 200 people - that's almost 3% of our students - reported a large so-called 'Grazzle'," he said excitedly.

Vitornot explained that this 'Grazzle' used to be a pagan rite to offer up praise to the Dark Lord of Apathy, Baalrorgh. 

"Legend has it that it the the rite was so effective that people stopped going entirely," he said.

Many students, however, have been so stunned that they have not even commented on the post, which, believe you me, is a HUGE deal.

One of the most famous SRC member sightings ever, at the Rhodes pool in 1997.

"When I first saw the notification, I thought it was just that Matthew guy being a dick to someone or someone posting a silly video. But as soon as I saw the profile picture, my heart stopped," said third-year Journalism student Rytin Toumoro.

After doing some investigative work (thereby making her ineligible to ever work at The Citizen), she found out that poster was allegedly voted into the SRC.

"My first thought was: is this what it is like seeing Big Foot?"

Many have refuted her claim as "ridiculous". 

"Next she'll be saying she saw a Tokoloshe, or an LLB student in Friars on a Wednesday night," said second-year BFA student, Sam Drew.

Just another day on the SRC page

However, digital archaeologists have unearthed new evidence that shows that the page may once have been the site of important debate and meaningful discussion. 

"According to ancient texts dating back all the way to when Nokia was still a good phone to buy, this page was once used as a line of communication between students and their representative council," said head of the research team who has been investigating the page, Doug Spadin.

However, many students have immediately and loudly refuted this claim.

"We all know that 'SRC' stands for 'seriously retarded comments'," said a second-year who refused to be named because I couldn't bother messaging and asking him for his real name.
"Next thing she'll tell us is that the group has a moderator or admins."

Many more have indicated that the post in question is, in fact, just a clever hoax perpetuated by the worst trolls of the University, a claim that has been backed up Lexicologists from the Rhodes University Department of Linguistics.

"Though a careful analysis of the post in question, we have determined that it's a hoax - but a very clever hoax at that. In fact, it's so good that it ranks up there with the event telling us that facebook is changing its colour, if you'll just do one survey," said James de Bunktales.

"As we can see, the post reads, 'The SRC Facebook page is network provided to the students of Rhodes University to channel healthy discussions and debates on contemporary issues facing studentship, society and youth in general'. Clearly, this person knows how an SRC member would write, but they included gaping contradictions, such as 'healthy discussions and debates'," he said. 

"They really lost all trust when they ended with, 'Its aim is to be a positive, helpful aid to all students at Rhodes University'. I mean, even that guy who forwarded me that video of The Undertaker supposedly killing Rey Mysterio would be like, 'ya, i'm not falling for that one,'" he said.

Since the post, reports have been flooding in that other SRC members have posted in the group, a fact that has excited Bess Tiary, who works in the Department of Mythology and Folklore catagorising potential mythological creatures.

"We've now added to the SRC beastiary another three possible phantom sightings. Added to the list are Esarcius Presidentius, Councilloria Project-manageriae, and Councilloria Medius. This is more mythical additions to our compendium since Thabo Mbeki's AIDS stance, she said.

Meanwhile, the Dean of Student Prohibition has been unwilling to comment.

"We can neither confirm nor deny the supposed sightings made here today #trololol," said Dr Klivian van Derk in a tweet statement earlier this evening.

Whether real of not, many Rhodents agree: there hasn't been something this exciting on the group since, um, this morning.

For more info, log onto the graveyard of the internet at www.facebook.com/groups/src