Eskom starts star appreciation week

Stargazers are turning heads skywards this week, after South African national electricity provider Eskom kicked off its new Star Appreciation Week celebrations.

The week, which is aimed at cutting down drastically on light pollution in households across South Africa, will allow residents of South Africa to observe our cosmos unhindered by the pesky lamps, globes, bulbs, heaters and cooking appliances that obscure our view of the heavens.

“We’re so excited,” said head of Eskom Rowling Blakowts. “Now you’ll be able to appreciate the infinite beauty of the stars as they shine down on us without the annoying distractions of cellphone chargers, fridge lights or hot water.”

The move has been met by widespread approval and praise.

“I’m so happy,” said one Jo’burg resident. “Without them [Eskom], you’d never even know these stars were there. For example, did you know that right behind your street lights, if you’re standing on your porch, there is the Magellan nebula? Or that, without the security lights on your garage shining right into your eyes, you could usually see the Goran Cluster?”

“I totally agree,” said another. “Gazing up into the infinite and unknowable expanse of our solar system and the universe beyond, it makes you think of how small and insignificant we really are, and how our troubles, such as days-long power outages or half-month water cuts to our community, are really meaningless in the grand scope of things.”

Since the success of the announcement, Blakowts now says that Eskom has “even bigger, better” plans for similar celebratory weeks.

“When was the last time you bathed in the soft glow of simple candle light? When last did you enjoy the rustic, calming roar of a wood fire, or the peaceful murmur of a paraffin lamp?” he asked. “Well, with our new series of Appreciation Weeks, you’ll be sitting and smiling in nostalgic contentment for months on end.”

The announcements have, however, been met with derision and contempt by Zimbabwean electricity company, ZESA, who said they had been appreciating stars, wood fires and the "deep, inexplicable beauty of utter darkness" long before “it was cool”.

“Typical South Africa, always copying us,” said ZESA superintendent Sir Kitt Braykas. “First the colour of our currency, then our ruinous political agenda and our brutal, gung ho police force, and now this. I guess maybe imitation is the sincerest form of flattery: that we’ve been doing this for so long that we’re the experts. Hell, we’ve even been thinking of making an ‘Electricity Appreciation Ten Seconds’ sometime this year. Maybe after National Police Riot Baton Appreciation Week.”

Readers of Muse and Abuse are recommended to print this and other news articles to appreciate in the romantic low glow of next week.

Pic:ForestWander

Gangsters protest school dropouts

Reacting to what it has called “an unfair, hurtful and biased knee-jerk response”, the notorious 28s gang of Cape Town has today protested against the terrible state of education in South Africa, calling on all 12-to-18-year-olds to stay in school and complete their education.

“We have a terrible rep’ in the media,” said 28s gang leader Slevin Tymsfore. “All these community members are attacking us, saying kids are dropping out to join us and that we’re destroying children, their future and our communities. But ask yourself – who the hell would want a kid with no Matric working for them?”

He explained in more depth, pointing out that the Numbers gangs have always had huge respect for education, and that no person in their right mind would trust any simple task in the high-risk crime world to someone with what is not even a minimalist qualification

“Think about it: we run multimillion rand smuggling, drug and racketeering operations. There is no margin for error, no room for mistakes. If someone can’t finish a Matric Maths exam and can barely scratch by in Maths Lit, how can we trust them to count out our blood money, or work out how much flour and talcum powder to cut into the cocaine and heroin?”

"Besides," he added, "you can see what no Matric does to a country. Those okes are right: it's blerrie going to the blerrie dogs, man."

Experts have since agreed wholeheartedly with the gangs’ statements.

“If we look at gang culture, most people would think they’re a bunch of uneducated psychopaths with massive drug addictions and their shorts five inches too low,” said Head of the Anthropology Department at the University of Cape Town, Di Aspora. “But really, you would actually need tertiary education to succeed in this lifestyle. You need a master’s level understanding of economics to understand the fluctuations of supply and demand and how international drug busts and police action affect product quality, supply and price; you need sociology to know how the groupings work and who not to ‘diss’; you need physics and anatomy to know where to shoot a guy to kill him instead of making another 50 Cent; and you need language and linguistics to be able to understand exactly which words to use to describe how much of a trippin’ skank-ass bitch that nasty trick hoe is.”

In light of this controversy, the Department of Education has announced plans to “modernise and reboot” exams to be more culturally and socially relevant.

“Look at the old exams: ‘if John has R128 and apples cost R8, Oranges cost R12 and bananas cost R4, what is the optimum ratio of fruit he can get to maximise his expenditure?’ I mean, who the hell ever thinks like that in a shop?” said Head of the DOE Noah Bhooks. “This makes far more sense: ‘Those motherfuckin’ balla tricks from the 26s have cut in on your turf. If a dime of coke sells R800, and you and your 7 homies can move 5 keys a week, and an illegal assault rifle costs R3000 with bullets at R4 a pop, how many days of dope pushing will it take to make back your losses AND clean out your tuft of those bitch-ass punks, assuming they are undercutting you at R600 a dime and that it takes a full mag to cut down each of the 42 invading foo’s?’”

Teachers and community leaders everywhere have praised the move.

”Lots of people attack and undermine what studying to be a gangster, saying it’s easy and a waste of time,” said local resident Jerry Hatrick. “Kinda like a BA. However, at least with this, my kid will make lots of money instead of being perpetually broke, have excellent employment opportunities and great upward mobility, and sell drugs instead of taking them at trance parties to ‘experiment and gain a deeper understanding of the human condition.’”

However, the DOE was quick to reassure those without a Matric or formal education who still want to be a part of an organised crime syndicate that they can still apply for a position in the Cabinet of Ministers or their local municipality.

Game reserves now totally safe

South African Nature Reserve tourists can visit our nation’s game parks in guaranteed peace now, after national Wildlife Conservation Authority SAWCA has announced that all these rustic national relaxation centres are “totally free of dangerous and wild animals.”

“Once upon a time, you couldn’t even move around freely in these beautiful and secluded parks,” said program manager Jerry Cull who yesterday confirmed the beheading and incineration of the last potentially dangerous lion in South Africa. “Because of all the vicious and dangerous animals, you couldn’t get out of your car and walk around safely, and if you had food on you, like a pocket of oranges or some delicious fruit, you had to wrap it in clingfilm and hide it in a scent-eliminating Tupperware box at the bottom of a mine shaft.”

Thankfully, says Culls, that is all in the past.

“These fenced areas used to be filled with all manner of dangerous and savage beasts: elephants, hippos, buffalo, lions, cheetahs, leopards, hyenas and the vicious and deadly African Honey Badger,” he said gesturing to the mountain of bones erected in honour of SAWCA's accomplishments. “Not any more. Now visitors can roam the waterholes and tree-filled savannah unmolested.”

Culls told of how the program had been a decades long-effort.

“We’ve been working for a number of years now to cut down on the number of wild, ferocious and dangerous animals in the world. We erected concentration camps, er, sorry, zoos, and fenced enclosures so that we’d have them all trapped in one place when we started.”

However, they soon realised it wasn’t enough.

“We thought they’d starve to death in these small enclosures, but their numbers started actually improving. We knew something had to be done.”

Culls immediately started bringing in poor locals and struggling immigrants to help in an unofficial program known only as the Program Of Accurate Culling of Herds.

“These POACH members were magnificent and efficient. With a few well-placed lies to the Asians about how animal parts are like biological Viagra, we got rid of the animals like that.”

Though this program has been met with widespread praise and approval, it still fights against completely contrasting programs overseas, such as in the US, where they have started a program to save their last eagle, Bob, and the UK, where they have begun a national initiative called the Save Whatever Is Left campaign.

“Foreigners think that animals are some sort of representation or symbol of the wild savagery and untamed nobility of a Dark and Forgotten land,” said Culls, cleaning the blood and brain matter off his 7.62mm M134 chaingun, “but honestly, have you even seen a Buffalo? It might look peaceful and majestic, standing in the golden light of the dazzling African sun, ruminating slowly and calmly on the undisturbed tranquility of the Sub-Saharan savannah, but we all know that that murderous, psychopathic shitbag would stick his curly, hard horns through us given even half a chance."

However, game parks remain unsettling and unwelcoming places for human beings, and citizens still demand much change before they will flock to bask in nature's breathtaking tranquility and ambiance.

"We're working on the problem day and night - well, mostly just day, really, between 9 and 5, with an hour for lunch and intermittent smoke breaks," said Game Reserve Conversion Manage Deacon Strukshun. "With our planned night clubs, restaurant chains, foodcourts, multi-storey parking, always-on wifi, and massive luxury strip mall to be added to the parks, we hope that by at least 2018 all citizens will be able to totally lose themselves in the endless beauty of our planet's natural wonders."

Pic: Wikimedia Commons

"Donate Money" challenge goes viral

Following the dazzling social media popularity and successes of infamous charity awareness drives like the No Make-up Selfie challenge, the Nek nomination and the now ubiquitous Ice Bucket Challenge, international charity organisations have announced this morning an all-new viral challenge for Twitter, Facebook and Youtube users: the Donate Money at Any Local Charity Challenge.

"It's incredibly simple," said brainchild of the novel approach to online charity drives, Charl Louw. "In fact, it requires far less effort than dumping cold water on your head or just waking up and taking a photo of your mascaraless, socially-ugly face."

According to the charity organisation, the challenge is as simple as 1, 2, 3.

"You just take a cheque book, bank deposit slip or even an online donation form," said Louw, "and fill in all the relevant details, followed by an amount of your choosing to donate to the struggling organisation. Then just upload the video of you doing this and show off to all your friends and the world what selfless, egoless, philanthropic and humble person you are."

Failing that, he said, you could just dump "a bucket of money" on an ALS victim.

"If huge amounts of cash cured Magic Johnson, I'm pretty sure it could do the same for a disease that I, like many other bucket dumpers, know nothing about - and even if we did, we probably couldn't pronounce it."

Artist's impression of the new challenge.

Media and charity experts have applauded the move as "just in time in this worsening cycle of fads."

"Think about it: these campaigns started off as really benign and harmless, but in our world, we always want bigger, better, more hectic," said Online Charity Analysis Joe Blogs. "From the No Make-up Selfie to things like the Cinnamon, Ice Bucket, and even the Fire Challenges, we've seen a steady progression into increasingly dangerous forms of philanthropy. What's next, the Loaded Gun Challenge? The Slap a Rabid Cape Buffalo Challenge?"

However, initial feelings in the online community have been hesitant and resistant towards the new Challenge.

"The other ones were really great and catchy, because they were funny and required little effort," said a girl on her Facebook status, which just shows you the quality of news you're currently reading, "and also because you didn't have to actually donate any money. This just doesn't follow that winning, scientifically-proven, life-altering charity drive formula."

"I totally agree," said one guy commenting on the above statement. "How the hell is money or financial support supposed to stop, cure or prevent any disease? Typical capitalism, ruining such heart-felt initiatives. "

Readers of this blog are hereby challenged to post this or any other of our news stories on their Social Media platforms to raise awareness of the dreadful cancer afflicting our once-fine news services and organisations.

Pic: wikimedia commons

Grahamstown enters history books

A first for the record books today, after Makana Municipality's hard work to make Grahamstown the Guinness Books of World Records's First Place on Earth you can Smell From Space were finally recognised by international record-keepers.

"We were immediately stunned," said Major of Grahamstown Bhadi Owda, "and not just by the horrific nasal-cavity-destroying stench emanating from our populace's unwashed, disgusting bodies. It really is a huge deal."

Officials from the world records organisation now say that Makana Municipality's efforts have been breathtaking, and not just because the people there all smell like a four-month-old pustulating rectal ulcer dressed in cabbage-soup-soaked used diapers.

"They were tireless, committed, in their efforts," said Rex Kords from the GBWR. "Most places would get a small percentage of their population involved on a voluntary basis to break a record of some kind, like biggest omelette or something. Not these guys. Not only have they been working tirelessly - sometimes for as much as twelve minutes a week - at creating the perfect conditions to break this record in the surrounding extensions and townships for many years now, but they recently went on a week-long drive to achieve that last necessary bit, cutting water and basic services ad going on strike and not collecting bins. It's been commendable, to say the least."

The five-day drive, which was sponsored by Pick 'n Pay which in totally unrelated news is selling water at about 100% more than the usual price, has reeked, sorry, reaped huge results.

"It's true," said Commander Chris Hadfield of the International Space Station. "You know, you hear a lot of myths about what earth-bound things you can see or whatever from space - like the Great Wall of China - but I can honestly smell them from here. I'd be impressed, even say what a magnificent first it is for the annals of human history and the record books, but jesus, I can't. It just clunks so much."

However, it would seem that not everyone is happy, as recent protest action has demonstrated.

"It's oppressive, I just can't lead a normal life," said one student. "The foetid, rank stench of my malodorous, nasty and festering armpits that wafts in near-physical waves off my body like a tidal wave of rotten air means I can't fist-pump in Friars or down a beer without making everyone around me gag. And the library - not the most pleasant of places, not that I ever go there - geez, let's not even go there."

The Municipality has since stressed its disappointment at such a reaction.

"We do all this work, selfless and tireless slog, and this is the thanks we get?," said Mayor Owda. "Just goes to show how childish these Grahamstonians are. Which would you rather have: basic amenities in the form of a Consititutionally guaranteed Human Right, or a place in the big shiny record book with the cool holographic cover? I think the answer is pretty obvious, am I right?"

President Jacob Zuma has also extended his congratulations to the small town, saying that he's surprised anyone can create anything that stinks more than his leadership skills or general political mandate.

"But please," he said between vomiting spells which will form the final draft of the National Development Plan, "just take a shower. I can smell you even when underwater in my fire pool."

Pic: wikimedia commons

7 Reasons why I despise Promotion Girls (Revisited)

Ever since I posted 7 Reasons why I despise Promotion Girls almost three years ago, it has (much to my chagrin) constantly received pageviews and reader comments. Maybe it was the listicle format that seems to have gripped the world à la Buzzfeed or some people’s dislike or defence of girls women who work in promotion jobs (or maybe just the fact that my blog aggregates this post into the “Most Popular” category), but it irks me because I believe now that I have grown up just a little bit and that it’s no longer indicative of me or my beliefs. I believe I think more critically, and criticize and judge less quickly.

In the opening paragraph of the infamous post, I took a reductive Urban Dictionary description of the job and those who do it. I do not feel that way at all, nor do I believe breasts to be an important factor in a buyer’s decision-making process. And this was only the beginning of a post that embarrasses me even today.

And so, here are my 7 Reasons why you shouldn’t really despise Promotion Girls.

Reason #1: They’re basically just Walking Advertisements.

I still feel strongly about the ugly people not being promotion workers thing (although ‘ugly’ and ‘beautiful’ are highly subjective and constructed notions. I get flak from friends because I don’t see the big deal about starlets like Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johansen), but you can’t really complain about promotion girls being walking advertisements selling a brand because that’s exactly what the job description is. Analogising this to Facebook or Youtube adverts is a weak, straw-man-esque argument that doesn’t really hold water. If you’re relaxing with friends in a bar and someone comes to sell you something, you can easily just politely decline instead of taking it as a personal affront. Besides, bars are absolutely filled with adverts for cheap drinks and different brands: why pick out this one fragment as any different?

Reason #2: Dress code

The internet isn’t a great tool to search for the true representation of almost anything. Boobs and revealing clothing would probably feature highly in a search like this because that is what sticks in the minds of those taking the photographs. If there was a woman (or man) walking around in a suit trying to sell you insurance or a place at their University, the average photo-uploading male probably would not take a snapshot of this.

A woman has a right to wear what she likes and do what she wants with her own body. Yes, you can easily get embroiled in the deep debate of Agency versus Socialised Norms in a Patriarchy, but wearing a miniskirt or heels or even a bikini on a night out should not affect a women’s right to do what she pleases with her body, nor should it affect her right to hold a particular opinion about skimpy clothing and anti-sexist discourse. Wearing a skirt doesn’t make you any less of a feminist, just as not voting doesn’t mean you can’t criticize government. Jesus, I mean:

“Yes, women should be allowed to wear what they want to wear fearlessly and without shame, but this is not one of those areas where this rule applies”

?

Did I really fucking write that?

Reason #3: Insincerity

There is a thing called intersectionality where something may not be due to one thing, but rather to several things at once. As I have learnt in the past few years, correlation does not equal causation.

Women who work this job probably do so having to wear short dresses and heels, pulling long hours of being judged (as I did) and leered at (as some other guys did). If they have the strength of will to pull on a smile when they approach me, nameless douche #326, then that is something to applaud, not to attack.

Reason #4: They can’t take no for an answer

I would be hesitant today to apply so vigorously the fallacy of synecdoche. One example of something does not make the rule, and we should be wary of creating false stereotypes that simply do not exist outside of one bad example. An Afrikaans friend of mine (“friend” is used quite tolerably here) is quite distinctly racist and refuses to engage in level-headed debate with me about why his opinions are completely unfounded, self-contradictory and just plain stupid. Does that mean all Afrikaaners are racist?

Reason #5: Last night.

I’m ashamed to think I took part so viciously in what is quite clearly slut shaming . I like to consider myself more rational and more critically thinking these days (thanks in some part to excellent, inspiring blogs like Tauriq Moosa’s Against the New Taboo which features on Big Think and followed on from his previous blog, The Indelible Stamp. Again, a woman has a right to do with her body what she wants. Even if she did take a “Mandingo” (*groans, facepalms and says “Jesus Christ, did I write that as well?”*), I don’t really find prostitution morally wrong. Hell, the blogs above challenged me greatly to rethink my views on everything from infanticide to abortion, and even heavy topics like incest and pedophilia. We should also be wary about terms like “standards” and “moral degradation”. These are constructed notions that rely very heavily on one’s personal biases and worldview. Even Socrates though his generation of kids was the beginning of the end.

Reason #6: Give them an inch, and they take a mile

Jesus, Matthew, it was a joke. Lighten up. Obviously you weren’t having too much fun in the bar with your friends if you’re taking all this as mortal insults. If you don’t want to buy more than one shot, just say so. If you want your change back, just ask for it. Gahd. Although you did use some clever references and metaphors there. High five! You should work for Cracked.com

Reason 7: It’s the shallowest job. Ever.

Perhaps not. I’ve never done promotion work, and so I can’t really make an adequate judgment on the skillset required to succeed, but I can imagine it takes a lot of strength to do it until 1am and much charisma and tolerance to be able to approach drunk people and have to deal with their bullshit and their ensuing blog posts like the one I wrote all those years ago.

You see, I have two sisters (very intelligent, talented sisters at that) and I’d like to think that they can do whatever job they want without men and society judging their every move and decision, be it taking off clothes in a strip club, or selling alcohol in a bar. To those reading this, I thank you for your time and I ask you to always be careful of knee-jerk emotional reactions to something. If something disgusts you (promotion girls, gay marriage, prostitution, etc), quell that reaction and think critically about why you feel that way. What disgusts you about it, and what is the empirical basis upon which to stand this feeling? 80 years ago, many would have found the notion of interracial love, equal rights, women voting and gay marriage utterly abhorrent, but it is only through full and deep consideration of these things using a very critical viewpoint and a consideration of modern ethics that we can decide on how we as members in society should react to them.

I would also like those who commented on the last article for taking the time to challenge such judgmental and baseless notions. Never be afraid to speak up, lest we damn that which we simply don’t understand. I decided not to delete the post as I have strong views on self-censorship. I don’t want to hide how I’ve changed since the beginning of my university days. If you want to hide the real you, go on Twitter or Facebook (lol). I have had many opinions change over the past few years (such as my views on the “friendzone”, for one), and I think I’d like people to be able to see that, rather than hide behind the idea that I was always considerate and thoughtful.

As we get older, we must also grow up.

America to negotiate with terrorists

America is set to embrace a new tactic in the War on Terror, after leading strategists and military experts have ushered in a new policy to actually negotiate with terrorists.

“Many people have always blathered on in the past about, ‘we don’t negotiate with terrorists’, you know, taking the moral high ground and all,” said Commander General Priam Tivstrkye. “But after we took a look at what their demands usually are, we realised, ‘geez, we’d probably save a fortune and countless lives if we just bent to their demands. They're actually usually pretty underwhelming.'”

He explained in some length.

“Take for example, some of the classic demands. What if they want money, like a million dollars or something? Well, we give it to them. Hell, we blow a thousand times that in a second on drones and missiles destroying their villages. We won’t miss a paltry sum like that.”

“And what about the whole thing about 72 virgins in Paradise? Well, I’ve been with a virgin before, and honestly, they’re idealising it. We should up the ante and just say, ‘well, Mr Terrorist, how's about one hundred sluts in Long Beach, California’?”

Citing the recent demands of noted terrorist groups, he spoke about the demand to release their “Muslim freedom fighter brothers and comrades”.

“Release your freedom fighter brothers? You act like we want those ragheads here. If there is anything we hate, it's immigrants. Unless, you know, those immigrants were our great-grandfathers who came here from Europe and Ireland and Poland.”

Many Senators have welcomed the decision, saying that “This country, we Americans and the War in general are just misunderstood.”

“They paint us as these evil murderers,” said one. “We’re not there for your land or to kill your people. We just want the oil. We’re a misunderstood people. They hate our Western Decadence and our systems of education, but have they even heard of the 99% or been to a public school? I mean, we hate these things just as much.“

He added that “maybe if you’re living in a shit-filled spider cave in the desert somewhere, I guess living in Detroit or might seem enviable and hedonistic in comparison.”

He also said that Americans don’t even need Terrorist to kill Americans.

“With our gun laws, we’re doing that perfectly fine on our own, thank you very much.”

And in totally unrelated news, oil reserves in the rich “black band’ in the North of Iraq are at 10% capacity.

"Thank god we pulled out in time,” said one American news commentator. “If this wasn’t a pointless war before, it is now.”

Artistic tendencies turn piece of crap into theatrical genius

It was a close call for local theatre production company UpStage Productions this week, after theatre critics’ and art reviews’ tendencies to obsess over themes and metatextual references made their latest show Glass Grey Sky an “insightful, profound piece that evokes a self-aware critique of postmodernism” instead of just a piece of really crap theatre with no real point or production value.

The show, which was written and directed by Arya Dzjoking and featured out-of-tune violins, out-of-sync choreography and seven instances of actors forgetting their lines, has been hailed by reviewers and physical theatre experts as “just ambiguous enough to be called ‘spectacular’”.

“To the lay man or woman, it might have looked really awful,” said reviewer and long-time Physical Theatre expert Harold Cress. “I mean, if it wasn’t for my ability to look past the flat, dead soundtrack and interpret this as a direct symbol of the paucity of life and lack of vim and vigour in the post-modern subject who inhabits an abyss of futile dreams, or my training which has prepared me to look into those expressionless, bland faces with too much make-up caked on their cheeks and read within them a scathing critique of the deadness of our Self in the modern digitalised era and our obsession with socially mediated appearances no deeper than a thimble that in no way form a meaningful representation of our true selves and beings, then it just might have been the worse, trite piece of shit of I’ve ever watched. But like I said, below the surface, it was genius.”

The show, which has purportedly gone over the heads of over seven thousand people without Dramatic Arts degrees or Arts Journalism training since its opening last weekend, will now tour the country, debuting at R150 a ticket.

“Some people have gone to see our show and been all like ‘oh, I totally didn’t get that, what the hell did I just watch?’,” said show director, producer and choreographer Sim Bolism, “but then again, what would those artless, ignorant pricks know about dance?”

Singing talent will be a factor this year – Idols SA

Singing talent search television hit South African Idols has shocked the world this morning, after they announced that during the upcoming 14th season of their dream-destroying drama show, talent and musical ability would be actually considered as a factor by the judges.

“We know it’s a huge, bold new step that seems to totally go against what we as a show have stood for this past decade or so, but we think that judging our contestants on singing talent will be just the breath of fresh air this show needs,” said Idols show director Noah Melody. “We’re still going to stick to the other tried and tested, much-loved criteria for singers in our show – for example how ugly or irritating you are, and how dead your parents are or how many AIDS orphans you played guitar with at that charity – but we think this could really spice things up a bit.”

The show's researchers and interview desks have already started scouring the country for the 73 people you’ll actually see on TV standing and singing in front of the judges.

“We think it’s going to be a nice addition,” said junior show researcher Lexi Ploytation. “Just think of how great and controversial the show will be when the judges purposefully drop a better, talented singer and advance some talentless, tone-deaf douche so as to rile up the thousands of screen-bound sheep?”

Though Idols has, in the past, been criticised as a shallow, exploitative and nasty belittlement of human beings and their dreams, the show’s producers and judges have defended it.

“We’re here to help people. Well, person, to be exact. We take that guy or girl from an the entire country's population and turn them into a star,” he said, “we even help them to make that obligatory one-hit crash and burn album they make after winning and subsequently stepping into a life of obsolescence as the country moves onto the next fad star. So what if we utterly demolish the hopes of people we trick into auditioning?”

In spite of the controversy, media pundits have claimed that this year’s show is set to be the biggest yet.

“Hell,” said talent contest media analyst Misty Vhoats, “there might even be three winners this year!

Hell “not actually that bad”

Following a long, happy reunion with friends, family, ex-colleagues, old girlfriends and almost 80% of his Facebook acquaintances, Derek Henderson, once 34, told reporters this morning that Hell, the infamous pit of fire and brimstone, that dark torture hole of eternal damnation, is actually “not really all that bad.”

“I’ll admit, when I first got here I was really anxious,” he told reporters gathered around an Ouija board. “I’d heard all sorts of terrible stories of pain and endless suffering, and so I understandably started gnashing my teeth. But when I was waiting in the eight-hundred kilometre queue outside the black gates, I ran into my all old friends and the people I knew back on the physical realm. I was too busy catching up to even notice that my soul was beyond redemption!”

However, Henderson’s list of positive aspects didn’t stop there.

“It’s always so tropical and warm down here, which makes a nice change from living in cold, cold Canada. The décor is excellent – like an authentic Dark Ages-style Gothic feel – and the volcano hell pits put on an excellent fireworks display every few seconds. Sure, I might be steeped in incomparable agony every walking moment and I might be pained by the ceaseless torment of knowing I'll forever be damned to unending and horrific torture, but apart from that I honestly don’t have any complains.”

This revelation comes just days after reports by members of the heavenly host that heaven, the final resting place of joy, elation and wonder, is “sooooo flippen’ boring, bro”.

According to reports by Gerrie Huuysmans, who arrived at the pearly gates just three days ago, there are no guns, no sport, no alcohol and no sex in heaven, making it more boring even than his hometown of Boksburg.

“It’s all this flippen’ moffie choir-boy nonsense of white robes and angel wings and halos,” he told reporters from a burning bush last Friday. “Yes, you’re filled with constant ecstacy, and it's quite a kiff exlusive party 'cos the bouncer only lets in the righteous and truly hot binnets, but even being happy gets kak dull if you can’t chug back a few brewskies whilst checking out the nasty binnets in hell who would do the freaky stuff. I can’t believe I spent my whole life being a good Christian and staying on the right path, and now I can’t even enjoy the guilty-boner-giving things Leviticus openly condemns.”

Satan, however, has said that "they won't enjoy it for long."

"Not because they're basically eternally fucked," he explained, sharpening his dildo-trident, "but because he'll have to share it with that bunch of flat, characterless dicks he calls 'friends'."