"Taking selfie with stolen ballots also illegal" - ANC

Following much electoral controversy across the country yesterday as millions lined up to cast their vote (after the Independent Electoral Commission warned that taking a self-portrait with your ballot choice using a cellphone is deemed illegal and punishable by jail time), the African National Congress has also stepped forward, reminding its paid inside officials in the IEC that taking similar pictures with stolen ballots was equally illegal.

"If you take a photo of yourself with your democratic right to choose your future President and political representation in the background, that is bad," said ANC spokesperson Eraaz Abillink, "but taking a photograph of yourself with stolen ballots is even worse. It's unforgivable. IEC officials should be above such actions."

The ANC has reminded these wrongdoers and counterrevolutionary sellouts that the punishment is of the highest severity possible.

"If you show the world these boxes of pre-stamped votes, we will cut you off," he said. "No more tenders, no more Uncle Jake getting his RDP house ahead of the queue, no more kickbacks, no more Mercedes SLR with ANC poster about equality and changing socioeconomic disparity on the side. We're serious."

When asked whether these offenders would face equal threat of prison time, he scoffed.

"An ANC guy, go to court or jail? What is this, a Utopian society?"

Meanwhile, the IEC has defended both itself, this ruling, and the question of the election's fairness with staunch obduracy.

"There is a misconception that we're targeting those people who want to make themselves look slightly more socially responsible and intelligent than their usual -nice-looking-meal-photographing, blurry-colour-enhancing-filter-choosing, thousand-hashtag-abusing shallow selves, but this really is not the case," said Head of the Voting Monitoring Program for the IEC Wahch Doug. "We take these crimes seriously for everyone, regardless of how moronic the daily tedium they upload to Facebook is."

And in response to growing concerns and complaints that in some areas the electoral process was unlawfully disrupted, the IEC, despite fears, has declared the elections "mostly free and fair".

"We know that for the past couple of years we've been like the boy who cried wolf and told the world that elections like the Zimbabwe 2008 elections were 'Free and Fair'," said IEC Ballot Official Lyon Touyuu, who paused to laugh so hard that he simultaneously vomited and shat himself, "but this time we're really telling the truth. Really. There was nothing wrong. I mean, a couple of ballot boxes tampered with and a few dozen irregularities here and there, but I think for this part of the world these are acceptable numbers of screw-ups."

Walt Disney Studios to remake “more realistic” children’s films

Citing their gross factual inaccuracies, naively unrealistic narratives and horridly misrepresented depictions of historical record, world-famous children’s animated features king Walt Disney Pictures announced today that they would be remaking the classic and timeless tales to “more accurately show what real life is about.”

“Our pictures often show a naïve and crassly optimistic version of utopian society, while utterly ignoring the factual truth about the horrible, awful places our stories happen in. This is slowly making our children think that the world is a good, fair and wonderful place devoid of cruelty and inequality – a world were princesses break into song with forest critters,” said head producer of WDP, Poe Kahontus. “Basically we’re the children’s movies version of History Channel, just with less alien, UFOs and Nazi conspiracy theories.”

The remakes – which are scheduled for a number of the heart-warming but lie-packed feature films – will give your kids a fantastic and historically accurate look at what life would really have been like for many of the classic Disney protagonists, by using gore, language, and gritty realism to hammer home the message of Realism.

The real Pocahontas, complete with 19th Century
crack pipe - which Disney "totally forgot to mention"
pic:Wikimedia Commons

“Take Pocahontas, for example – one of our most loved tales of all. It’s the story about love conquering all, uniting a warring people across otherwise insurmountable cultural and linguistic differences,” he said. “Pretty fucking stupid, right?"

"In the remake, instead of true love overcoming even the most dangerous and overwhelming obstacles, her people will be attacked, raped, murdered, enslaved and persecuted, their homes and farms burned the ground, their hunting grounds and sacred burial places stolen for mining operations. Having no natural immunity to European diseases, they will succumb to smallpox and a number of horrid illnesses. Slowly their people will be marginalised, their land and wealth whittled away into ever-smaller plot euphemistically called ‘reservations’, which they will inevitably be forced to convert into tax-free casinos to be able to earn a decent wage. What better way to teach your child the dangers of racial inequality and intolerance?”

The possibilities, said Kahontus, are endless.

“In Alladin, we could correct the misconception that Agraba is a peaceful, vibrant city where even the poorest man can become a prince if he dreams hard enough. Instead, we can teach our kids a valuable lesson about the brutal caste system and the class disparities in wealth and privilege that are inherent in an unequal monarchy that has a fondness for overly-brutal police thugs who cherish summary capital punishment without trial for minor offenses like shoplifting.”

Parents are reported thrilled by the accouncement, and are lining up to buy copies of the new, improved tapes.

“If my kids had watched a 101 Dalmatians in which the dogs crapped everywhere, barked all night long at nothing in particular, and needed constant caring for by responsible owners who have money enough to support the intrinsic costs associated with owning the canine equivalent of a police siren that periodically craps itself,” said one,” instead of some bloody malarkey tale about dogs who beat an old rich woman and her cronies, perhaps I wouldn’t have to take Fido to the vet for sleepy-sleepy injections because he keeps peeing on my sofa and chewing my shoes.”

Child development psychologists now estimate that by at least 2018, childhood wonderment and innocence – or ignorance, rather – will be a thing of the past.

ANC hopes ANC campaign trail doesn’t ruin ANC campaign trail

Following the sudden realisation that really the biggest hurdle in their possible future governance of South Africa is their current track record of governance in South Africa, the ANC stated this morning that they really, really hope they haven’t shot themselves in the metaphorical political foot.

“All these other political parties – COPE, the DA, the EFF, IFP, and so on – aren’t really a threat,” said head elections spokeperson Goust Vouwtahs. “Actually, the biggest thing standing in the way of total domination is ourselves.”

In light of this irreparable damage done to the ANC’s reputation by scandals such as Nkandla, the textbooks scandal, Marikana and many, many more, the ANC says it is now considering legal action against its MPs, elected officials and most of itself.

“This level of extreme and gross defamation, character assassination, libel, slander and damage to our good name cannot go unchallenged,” said Vouwtahs. “We must defend our own, even if it means suing them.”

Vouwtahs likened these "counterrevolutionary sell-outs" to a cANCer, sorry, cancer, that needs to be cut out, leaving many politically-minded Urologists very worried indeed.

"If this were my own patient, I would advise against such drastic measures," said one. "Trying to cut out this much cancer is nearly impossible, especially when most of the body is cancer. They'll have maybe three or four people left in remote areas where there isn't enough government funding to skim anything off the top."

Lawyers and Law experts, in contrast, are incredibly excited, and now predict this to be the case of the century.

“It’s going to be massive,” said Senior Advocate Bur de Nofpruf. “We’ll collude with media houses and legal insiders and veil the whole thing as ‘in the public interest’ and get people all riled up on twitter and facebook about how this is really about accountability, transparency and ensuring a solid justice system, even though we all know it's really just grotesque voyeurism by the masses that we exploit so that we can grossly distort the justice system by having it televised 24/7 to the world. The spin-offs will be huge, and god, let’s not even mention the legal fees.”

Despite the fact that such legal action may send a fissure through the ANC, fracturing it as a party, ANC spokespeople are confident they it will not harm their chances of winning.

“Our top education system, our tireless work ensuring that wealth and socioeconomic disparities don't oscillate too much... we think we've done all our can to ensure that our loyal votes make the right decision today. We’re confident that we have damaged education and social cohesion enough to maintain a solid majority of easily swayed voters who would keep voting for us even if we publically executed a basket of kittens in front of a stadium packed with four-year-olds,” said Vouwtahs. “It’s these folks and their endless capacity of hope for a return to the glory days unridden with corruption that keep us going.”

Man sentenced to 40 years in G'town student digs

A large helping of justice was served this morning, after Judge Hugh Harsofukt sentenced 32-year-old serial killer and notorious armed robber James Steele to a life sentence in a 4-man Grahamstown student digs.

According to report by the court published last week, the singular awfulness of most student digs which house the students of Rhodes University make them ideal for the punishment and incarceration of hardened criminals who are beyond rehabilitation.

"Recent studies of these so-called 'student digs' show that usually they have more bars and locks and also worse living conditions than most maximum-security prisons," said police constable and author of the study Eric Fuller. "If we just lock the house from the outside, they'll never get out, and we'll save thousands in taxpayers' rands."

Fuller added that the fact that they had to pay exorbitant rent to live in such cramped squalor would "really suck, man."

However, the decision has not been without its share of controversy, with leading Human Rights Watch groups, organisations and activists condemning the move outright as "immoral, inhumane and draconian."

"With their water shortages and lack of quality, blackouts, dirty floors, communal bathrooms, cramped living space, sink full of unwashed dishes and that digsmate's puppy yelping and yapping all night in the other room when you're trying to get some goddamn sleep, only someone morally bankrupt and totally sadistic would hand down such a severe punishment," said head of Rights for Prisoners John Hendricks. "Even getting kicked in the balls for all eternity would be more lenient."

He went on to add that the likelihood of the inmates' milk being slowly and sneakily swigged away to nothingness was just "totally lank uncool bro".

"Besides," Hendricks added, "there's a 95% chance that the prisoner's mates will break in and set him free after taking all the laptops and stuff."

In spite of the activists' harsh criticisms, Judge Harsofukt has remained steadfastly unmoved and stands by his decision.

"The only way to teach such a heinous and despicable character that his aborrent actions have dire consequences is to force him to live in such inhuman conditions," he said. "If that means that his socks get stolen every time he does a load of washing, his communal dinner is too-salty spaghetti bolognaise every two days, and he has to suffer the montly ballache of dealing with awful landladies and the municipality water bill, so be it."

However, he did say that he would never include university residences in the sentencing procedures, citing the guy next door to your room who keeps loudly banging his girlfriend every night next door and tuesday's Braised Club Steak as "too vicious a punishment for anyone regardless of their atrocities."

"What kind of sick, twisted bastard do you think I am?"

Game of Thrones fans strike back at Twitter users

Following this week's inconsiderate-arsehole-driven Twitter ruin-life spoiler fest of barrages of Tweets after the latest and shocking episode of acclaimed fantasy series Game of Thrones, millions of people not subscribed to HBO reacted in utter outrage, threatening to "rip your goddamn fingers off if you tell me what happens one more fucking time."

"It's getting ridiculous," said long-time fan of the series and now also fan of slow, agonising torture, maybe by waterboarding but with something more interesting, like maybe a bucket of pepper spray fluid, yeah, that'll really get them, Hazan Tread-Tibhouks. "Every fucking Sunday night I accidentally go on Twitter to post my latest inane thought and 'BOOM' there's someone dropping Tweets being all 'OH MY GOD THE RED WEDDING I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY KILLED CAITLYN AND JOHN AND OH MY GOD I HATE THE WORLD' or 'FUCK FINALLY I THOUGHT KING JOFFREY WOULD NEVER DIE GOOD BASTARD BURN IN HELL'. I'm honestly considering either suicide or mass murder. It's come to that."

However, thousands of arseholes Twitter users who posted such messages defended their actions, saying that "they just really couldn't help it" and that "everyone needs to know how we feel about seeing Caitlyn Stark being brought back to life through weird Lord of Light voodoo."

"Let's just be serious," said Twitter user and Game of Thrones ruiner Spuy Laralert. "I post pictures of my food and retweet Jeremy Clarkson's latest pseudo-philosophical emptiness. Now you give me this, something real and huge and emotional and you expect me NOT to tweet? Impossible." He added that people should perhaps be more supportive of his extreme emotional state, especially when he has just learned that Tyrion Lanistar shoots his own sitting-on-the-toilet father in the dick with a crossbow in this new episode, which you're still trying to find a spare hour in your limited free time to watch.

In light of the serious furore created on its digital platform, the CEO of Twitter John Birds said that they would try to enact changes to the site to accommodate both ends of the scale - both those who know that Sansa is kidnapped by Littlefinger and taken away to the Vale, and those who do not.

"We know that there are thousands of people who want to share their heartache and emotional distress with people who are also suffering because Jon Snow kills his red-headed bandit girlfriend and has to stand over her dying corpse while she breathes her last in the next episode that you haven't yet seen," said Birds, "and so we're trying to install a system where you enter the prefix www.haventwatchedthelatestepisode. before twitter.com."

Birds said that this new site will automatically detect tweets containing any and all key words that could ruin your beloved Game of Thrones experience, any utterly remove any spoilers, like when Hodor dies to save Bran from Bandit Raiders before they cross over the Wall.

"It's going to be awkward for any user who shares a name or whatever with any G.O.T character, because all their stuff will be erased, but this is why we have the normal site, www.twitter.com, where you and thousands of other sobbing or cheering 'Thrones lovers can gloat over their lovely little spoilers like Gollum over his little ring, - an example being how Danaryus Targarian has to kill one of her own dragons after it eats the villagers' sheep, but she can't do it and it escapes to the wilds."

Despite these huge changes to the social networking platform, Game of Thrones fans say that they are now embarking on a revenge quest "every bit as epic as when Arya kills The Hound to avenge the murder of her baker friend".

"We're going to spoil everything for these people. Jesus dies in the second book. Snape kills Dumbledore. Han Solo shot first. Jeffrey Winger leavers the study group. The Crème Brulee at Woolworths seems nice at first, but leave you with a disappointingly empty feeling once you've finished it," said Tread-Tibhouks. "Yeah, how does that feel?"

Meanwhile, people who have actually read the books said they found the whole thing puerile.

"It really is quite silly," said fan of paper Peter Than-Ewe. "I cried over the Red Wedding years before anyone else. Now you understand my grief. Also, I find it amusing to sit there and watch my friends watch the episode, knowing what is coming and how it will kill their souls. It's like watching a child reaching for a pot filled with boiling water," he added, before realizing that this basically made him a Game of Thrones Hipster.

Fans of the fantasy-revenge epic should probably stop reading here, because Arya dies before the end of the last book which will only go on TV in three seasons' time.

Kid doesn't develop superpowers after eating radioactive waste

6-year-old comic book fan and Intensive Care Unit patient Timmy Henders came out of a coma on Friday night just long enough to tell reporters how very disappointed he was to not have developed any badass superpowers after chugging back a 3-litre bottle of highly dangerous nuclear reactor waste.

"It's just really disappointing," he said on an intercom behind a 3-metre thick wall of lead shielding. "No spider sense, no super hearing, no x-ray vision. Not even any immunity to advanced radiation poisoning," he said, gesturing to his horridly disfigured and sore-riddled body, arms, legs and face.

The sad incident comes in the wake of many similar disappointments, most recently the case of 11-year-old Jake Smith, who did not become a millionaire genius vigilante with cool black cape and utility belt after both his parents were violently murdered in a mugging gone wrong right front of him in a dark alleyway outside the exit of an opera house.

"I'm terrified of bats, and now this happens," he said in a glum voice. "Technically, I should already be kicking badguy butt every night. I thought i'd at least be taking the first steps to becoming the hero the city deserves, even if it's not the one it needs right now."

However, according to child development psychologist Ed Harding, all is not lost.

"If Jake - and to a lesser extend the probably-going-to-die-in-the-next-few-weeks Timmy - plays his cards right, maybe pick up the guitar and a brooding, misunderstood attitude of apathetic moodiness, he could score the best superpower of all: scoring totally hot babes. The dead parents thing is just a sure ticket."

Harding estimates that, should he work his situation and circumstances just right, he could score "at least a low 8, minimum, bro."

He went on to add that there were also some other benefits to this seemingly sorry situation.

"The whole 'dead parents' thing will get guitar-weilding Jake into at least the 4th round of South African Idols," he said, "even if his voice is lacklustre and utterly unspecial." He added that teaching music to AIDS orphans, having dead grandparents as well, or having an image that is utterly incongruous with his voice and song choice could only add to this.

Meanwhile, development experts are even more adamant and vocal that no one - child or adult - should use comic book methods of getting superpowers, whether it be through radioactive waste, genetically altered arachnids, or chemical toxin exposure.

"The only way to be all powerful in this world and to roam the land with impunity like a god amongst ants is through that one and only tried and tested way," said Superpower expert and part-time graphic novel reader Stanley Marvel, "which is becoming as absurdly rich as humanly possible."

SA games devs to release new 'South Africanised' World of Warcraft

Fans of Blizzard Entertainment's popular frustrating-grind-fest Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game (MMORPG) World of Warcraft have cause to celebrate today after leading game designers and developers are Ray Cism games announced the development of an all-new completely "South Africanised" expansion pack, "Adventures in Zumaland".

Inspired by the fascinating and always-twisting plot lines, politics and socioeconomic climate of everyday South Africa, the game introduces some controversial and never-before-seen game elements that have fans jumping to pre-order the already best-selling title.

"We first go the idea when playing the old game - you have to pick a race and create a character, like elf, dwarf, barbarian, and so on, and your choice of your race affects how strong you are, what skills you can learn and what quests will be available to you," said cheif game designer Roger Jackson. "My first thought was, 'whoa, kind of like real life in South Africa!"

According to Jackson, when players hit the 'New Game' icon, they are randomly assigned a race, which dramatically affects how the game plays out.

"Kind of like being born in real life," he said.

Players who get randomly assigned 'White' as a race (which the development team have now dubbed "Easy Mode") will have access to premium early-game content, the opportunity to go to a good Magician's Guild or Swordmaster's Academy, and have access to starting bonus gold and experience, as well as access to top-tier quest equipment, such as Vaideron's +5 Perfect Flaming Halberd of Heavenly Wrath.

Conversely, should they draw 'Black', the game will shift itself accordingly.

"The starting bonuses won't be great," said Jackson. "Chances are you'll only be able to learn basic skills and use lower-standard weaponary and armour, like Phineas's Imperfect +2 Broken Rake of Sweeping The Garden, but we thinking that the game will more than make up for it by delivering a truly visceral, true-to-life gaming experience with its stunning realism."

He did, however, add that this wasn't a set rule.

"Not all White characters will have such access to bonuses, just as not all Black characters will have to struggle endlessly," he said. "Chances are, most of them will be somewhere in the middle of those extremes, where you're not poor enough for scholarships to the top schools, while not rich enough to buy top-tier swords and platemail."

He also added that there would be in-game mechanics to balance the playing field.

"We realise that these pre-game conditions make for severe disparities between different character types," he said, "which is why we have implemented code for our Equal Quest Employment and Empowerment Policy. With EQEE, for example, you can only accept the quest to slay the Valyrian Demon King Shar'galhduur in the Northern Dragonwastes if you're fully compliant and have submitted all relevent documentation for full level-4 accreditation."

Adventures in Zumaland will hit stores across the country in October.

Parents bitterly disappointed with baby's first "words"

Following the first verbal utterance of their 18-month-old son James's first "words", Carolyn and Jake Erikson could not help but express their utter and unmitigated disappointment to reporters late yesterday evening.

"Is that it?" asked the exasperated and sleep-deprived father. "A year and a half spent changing your soiled nappies, feeding you you, and having to wake up at godless hours to tend to your screaming, and just generally being a slave monkey to you and that's the best you've got, that's all you're giving us?"

"What the hell does 'da-da' even mean?" added the teary mother, who has since decided that giving birth to the human equivalent of a police siren that periodically craps itself every few hours was not the best decision she had made in her young life. "There are literally a thousand things that that could mean, and god help you if it means 'daddy', you little shit. I'm the one who carried you and the one who went in to excruciating labour for ten hours."

When asked for comment, young baby James declined to give a formal statement, opting instead to burble incoherently for twenty minutes (showing his promise as a future politician) before soiling himself, wailing uncontrollably for half an hour and eventually passing out in his own faeces like a brain-dead chimpanzee, except that the chimp could probably say a telephrasic sentence verging on real English.

James's parents are now naively hopeful that the young boy will "eventually say something vaguely resembing proper, grammatical English, like, 'hello, father, my nappy needs changing,' or maybe 'mother, I am famished, could you please feed me?'", perhaps within the next six months to one year.

However, child development experts remain adamant that the parents should enjoy this phase of relative eloquence while it lasts.

"Before you know it, he'll be 16, hormonal, and back to single-syllable utterances," said child psychologist Neigh Chavers-Nuurcha. "Imagine an adolescent, eye-rolling, monosyllabic baby, just with a higher cellphone bill and acne."

Muse and Abuse donates laptop, hard drives, passports to local charity

In a surprise move at the Thursday 2O March Milner Street giveaway charity bonanza, held during broad daylight at exactly 1:10pm, Muse and Abuse's chief writer, reporter and Editor Matthew "Not actually that funny" de Klerk donated most of his prized possessions, including keys, a watch, a laptop and three hard disks containing the only backups of his four years of University work, newspaper articles and personal writing, music and photographs, to two men (who clearly wished to remain anonymous) from a Charity for struggling Probably Ex Convicts.

Muse and Abuse now joins over 400 other donors since January of this year who have donated their laptops, wallets, iPods, mobile phones, cash, and other easily-hockable and valuable items to similar charities in Grahamstown. Like Muse and Abuse, many of these donors also stored the charity donations in locked, secured and alarmed houses shortly before the handover.

The recipients of the items were endlessly happy.

"We could not be more pleased," they said probably over a beer gloating to friends at the ease of the charity giveaway. "Even though we probably live in squalor or desperate socioeconomic circumstances that force us to accept such donations."

The Charity Drive, which probably took no more than a few minutes, was joined several minutes later by members of both the Grahamstown South African Police Service and Hi-Tech Security, who called the event, "Business as usual", before adding that there was "an almost zero percent chance" that the satisfied customers would bring the items back for a refund or whatever.

"Students are just so generous and giving in our town," said Captain Howard Ahrwelukin and Sergeant Noah Tardat-Hall.

De Klerk, however, was just glad he could do his part.

"Most people might think me bitter," said the esteemed writer and philanthropist. "Most people would think me angry. Most people would think me disappointed. And in fact, most people would be absolutely fucking correct."

Those looking to make a donation should adopt a laissez-faire attitude toward personal security, or live on Milner Street.

Nkandla report now "least read thing on the planet"

Public Protector Thuli Madonsela is to be honoured with a prestigious global award this week, after her highly-anticipated Nkandla Report, entitled "Secure in Comfort", narrowly beat the Ten Commandments, most parts of Academic readings given to University students and 99.5463% of Facebook statuses and Tweets to become the "Least Read Thing Currently On The Planet."

According to Dr Ihg Noars of the Selection Committee for These Kinds of Awards, Madonsela defeated many thousands of other, equally important documents such as Parliamentary Bills, Legislatural Proposals, critical news reports and extensive newspaper reportage to cinch the coveted trophy.

"Everyone is arguing about it, throwing around the phrases 'Nkandla' this and 'report' that and it generally defines the current South African focus in all aspects of our society - social, political, digital and Office-Water-Cooler-ial," he said to gathered reporters who also hadn't read the full report and just skimmed bits and pieces here and there, early this morning, "but who has actually read it? Not even me."

However, Noars was quick to point out that Madonsela had only narrowly beat her closest competitor - the website where the report is available for full download, www.publicprotector.org/library/investigation_report/2013-14/Final%20Report%2019%20March%202014%20.pdf - to snatch up the honour.

"It was flippen' close," he said.

However, the decision to award Madonsela the covetted title has been heatedly protested and refuted by many others, including Apple, Inc. and those people who hand out fliers for Traditional Healers, gold merchants and cheap plumbing services on the sides of roads and pavements outside stores.

"Years and years of well-documented statistical fact show that it is not the Nkandal report, or even the Public Protector website, that is the least read thing on the planet," said Apple executive CEO Hugh Wurriptof, "but our Legal Terms and Agreements and Conditions of Use documents. How many thousands of times have people just clicked 'Accept' without knowing that they've agreed to, when we want, take all their personal data, possetions and internal organs? Literally millions."

In spite of this, thousands of South Africans and ANC Ministers and Members of Parliament have backed Madonsela's claim, saying that she "utterly deserves this award."

"It is literally my job to read this document so that I can serve the public to the best of my ability," said ANC Minister of Blindly Defending an Untenable Position on the ANC's Mass Pilliaging of State Funds Slip Ery-slohps. "I mean, I've shouted at people in Parliament about how the President is blameless and not guilty, and I don't even know what - if anything - he has been accused of."

Madonsela is expected to be conferred this presitigious award next week.

"I'm happy to receive this award," she said to the gathered audience in a statement that no one will ever take the time to fully read, and instead just rely on news sites like this to get the gist of, "but maybe someone can read it? Pretty please?"