Scientists warn: First-Year spread epidemic looms

Scientists have this morning issued an early warning against the most dreaded of diseases among 18- and 19-year-old university students: First-Year Spread.

Scientists first spotted the early stages of the syndrome on Monday afternoon.

“We’re looking at early data, and the results are nothing short of shocking,” said head scientist of the Institute for the Prevention of First-Year Spread, John McCullen. Pointing to a graph that we were too lazy to scan and copy onto this page, he outlined the growing problem.

“You see, at first everything was fine. The upper torso was in a normal state, and in general the BMI was staying at a constant 21. But suddenly, here,” he said, pointing at a spike that you’ll never see thanks to lazy journalism, “we see an increase in the uptake of free seconds in the dining hall, and a jump in the frequency of Normal Fast, Doritos, alcohol and late-night pies. Coupled with no more sport, and a relaxed, liberal view of baggy clothing, we can see that disaster looms just around the corner.”

According to a 300-page study published by the IPFYS, the trouble reportedly started with a triple-decker meaty surprise at the Rat and Parrot, which was further aggravated by three BP pies, ten beers and a Steri Stumpie. “Really, it was the Steri Stumpie that was the final straw. It might say ‘Low Fat’, but let’s just be serious, okay? It’s a milkshake, people,” said McCullen. 

The syndrome's leading cause: fucking huge, revolting cheeseburgers.

According to the institute’s scientists, the FYS plague might spread as far as the hips, thighs and stomach by early July, with full body meltdown by the end of August unless something is done now.

“It’s crucial that we catch this in the early stages,” he said. “Without definitive action now, all traces of that little bit of hockey and swimming you did in high school will utterly vanish before Tri-Var. By Christmas, your arms will look like the pudding that your mom will inevitably serve.”

Artist's rendition of advanced sufferer of FYS.

McCullen added that even for those exhibiting the early symptoms, such as wearing clothing that’s termed “loose-fit” or “my comfortable top”, and forever threatening to go to the gym, there is still time. “It’s not too late,” he said. “Just eat some goddamn carrots. I mean, you go to Pick n’ Pay and dump chips, wine and bread down your face-hole - would it kill you to get something green that isn’t Crème Soda or Cheese and Onion Lays?”

However, many have refuted the institute’s claims, saying that the report lacks the necessary hard evidence to back up its findings.

“There is no direct evidence linking the consumption of food and concurrent decrease in exercise to the gain of weight and fatty deposits. At best there is only an anecdotal and statistical relationship. Come on, next they’ll tell us that smoking causes cancer,” said CEO of Pick n’ Pay and local pie magnate Jeremy Baker. “This claim is not only absurd and ridiculous, but it also completely ignores the fact that who the hell eats vegetables at 3am?”

Economy, citizens take massive knock as exams end

South Africa as a whole has been left reeling this morning, as exams ended across the country, with many citizens reporting massive trauma and memory loss, and financial experts saying that the economy might take years to recover.

South Africa ten minutes before losing economic stability.

"The unemployment rate rose drastically this morning," said financial analyst Luke Atstats. "Even taking into account our provisions for degrees we knew would definitely end up with unemployment, the figure is incredibly higher than we first predicted. The country may take years to recover."

The South African economy has been left in shambles due to other massive knocks stemming from this occurrence, too. 

"Entire sectors of the economy, such as our energy drinks industry and our homeopathic study aids and stress-reducer production industries have both been hit by their lowest recorded sales, ever," said Minister of Finance, Miss Spen Daquash.

"However," she continued, "this has been counterbalanced to a certain degree by a marked increase in sales of wine, hard liquor, and late-night pies."

The sales figures speak for themselves (not literally, of course. Because that would mean that an inanimate graph has the ability to reason and state opinions/facts on its own behalf, which would require some higher levels of intelligence, thus opening the door to all kinds of theoretical debates concerning whether or not a chart has a soul. Which it doesn't.)

However, the economy is not the only thing to have suffered a massive knock: peoples' brains have been left scrambled, thanks to this new event.

According to post-exam surveys conducted around the country, many students have been left with massive memory loss and confusion.

"I walked out of my Maths exam, and looked down at the paper," said student Joel N. Hard, "and all of a sudden I couldn't understand a single sigil or sign on the paper. It was like reading gibberish, hieroglyphics, or my doctor's prescriptions."

Other students are reporting similar loss of memory. "I looked through [the paper] afterwards, and now I'm not even sure that "despatialised commonality" and "geosyncrinocity" are real words," said 20-year-old Gohan Toufeil.

Youtube and many other internet sites are also reporting a massive drop in numbers of people spending hours and hours on their sites playing games or repeatedly watching and sharing that hilarious video of that monkey accidentally hitting itself in the nuts with a rock.

"People just aren't bored anymore, Now they have better things to do with their time, and it really has hit us hard. We've had to lay off at least one guy in our offices," said CEO of Youtube, Wayne Stintime. 

However, many parents and lecturers have reacted positively to this sudden event.

"Thank god. If I had to repeat that whole 'ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Great Hall, blah blah, cellphones are switched off, blah blah' I would have killed myself," said Physics lecturer Oliver Newton. "I'm just glad it's all over," he said, before bursting into tears when we told him about aegrotat exams.

"I have no comment," said Dean of Students, Divian ke Vlerk. "Why are you still writing down what I'm saying? Stop it. Stop writing. I mean it. If you don't put that pen down, I'll call security and have you taken out. John, call CPU," she said.

"I'm glad exams are over," said your father with relief. "That means I don't have to pay for so-called 'books' and 'sundry expenses' every weekend. Like I don't know where my money is doing," he said, rolling his eyes. He went on to add that this new phase of life did come with many particular challenges, particularly on how, exactly, he is going to spend all this money that he has now that your ass has to get a real job.

Many students have also reacted positively. 

"I don't care if I can't remember a single thing I studies for. It's all in the past," said Tony Jones, cracking open a beer as if he hadn't been drinking during exams anyway.

Experts, however, have been quick to warn of an impending rise in depression.

"Analysis of historical trends have shown that this burst of elation is only temporary," said lead researcher Alan Yze. "There is always a boom that lasts a few weeks, but suddenly, in mid-December, there is widespread depression and bitter remorse."

Expect to weep bitterly and an existential crisis as you reconsider your choice of career sometime in late December.

SRC posts in SRC page; students gasp in awe

At approximately 7pm this evening, reports from numerous students at Rhodes University indicated that a real-life SRC member actually posted in the Rhodes SRC page.

"I was absolutely blown away," said one student who was speaking metaphorically.

This makes this the 5th SRC member sighting this year, and the first report of an SRC post in this group in the history of Rhodes.

According to the Head of the Department of Mythology and Folklore, Billy Vitornot, the SRC is a group of super-beings charged with making the university a better place. According to the myth, they vanished in early 2009, amid a storm of confusion, superstition, and Spur vouchers.

"The last time we saw such strong evidence of someone in charge was in the General Lecture Theatre earlier this year, where almost 200 people - that's almost 3% of our students - reported a large so-called 'Grazzle'," he said excitedly.

Vitornot explained that this 'Grazzle' used to be a pagan rite to offer up praise to the Dark Lord of Apathy, Baalrorgh. 

"Legend has it that it the the rite was so effective that people stopped going entirely," he said.

Many students, however, have been so stunned that they have not even commented on the post, which, believe you me, is a HUGE deal.

One of the most famous SRC member sightings ever, at the Rhodes pool in 1997.

"When I first saw the notification, I thought it was just that Matthew guy being a dick to someone or someone posting a silly video. But as soon as I saw the profile picture, my heart stopped," said third-year Journalism student Rytin Toumoro.

After doing some investigative work (thereby making her ineligible to ever work at The Citizen), she found out that poster was allegedly voted into the SRC.

"My first thought was: is this what it is like seeing Big Foot?"

Many have refuted her claim as "ridiculous". 

"Next she'll be saying she saw a Tokoloshe, or an LLB student in Friars on a Wednesday night," said second-year BFA student, Sam Drew.

Just another day on the SRC page

However, digital archaeologists have unearthed new evidence that shows that the page may once have been the site of important debate and meaningful discussion. 

"According to ancient texts dating back all the way to when Nokia was still a good phone to buy, this page was once used as a line of communication between students and their representative council," said head of the research team who has been investigating the page, Doug Spadin.

However, many students have immediately and loudly refuted this claim.

"We all know that 'SRC' stands for 'seriously retarded comments'," said a second-year who refused to be named because I couldn't bother messaging and asking him for his real name.
"Next thing she'll tell us is that the group has a moderator or admins."

Many more have indicated that the post in question is, in fact, just a clever hoax perpetuated by the worst trolls of the University, a claim that has been backed up Lexicologists from the Rhodes University Department of Linguistics.

"Though a careful analysis of the post in question, we have determined that it's a hoax - but a very clever hoax at that. In fact, it's so good that it ranks up there with the event telling us that facebook is changing its colour, if you'll just do one survey," said James de Bunktales.

"As we can see, the post reads, 'The SRC Facebook page is network provided to the students of Rhodes University to channel healthy discussions and debates on contemporary issues facing studentship, society and youth in general'. Clearly, this person knows how an SRC member would write, but they included gaping contradictions, such as 'healthy discussions and debates'," he said. 

"They really lost all trust when they ended with, 'Its aim is to be a positive, helpful aid to all students at Rhodes University'. I mean, even that guy who forwarded me that video of The Undertaker supposedly killing Rey Mysterio would be like, 'ya, i'm not falling for that one,'" he said.

Since the post, reports have been flooding in that other SRC members have posted in the group, a fact that has excited Bess Tiary, who works in the Department of Mythology and Folklore catagorising potential mythological creatures.

"We've now added to the SRC beastiary another three possible phantom sightings. Added to the list are Esarcius Presidentius, Councilloria Project-manageriae, and Councilloria Medius. This is more mythical additions to our compendium since Thabo Mbeki's AIDS stance, she said.

Meanwhile, the Dean of Student Prohibition has been unwilling to comment.

"We can neither confirm nor deny the supposed sightings made here today #trololol," said Dr Klivian van Derk in a tweet statement earlier this evening.

Whether real of not, many Rhodents agree: there hasn't been something this exciting on the group since, um, this morning.

For more info, log onto the graveyard of the internet at www.facebook.com/groups/src

At what price our humanity?

Logging onto Facebook this morning, I was greeted with a post on my newsfeed which filled me with disgust. 

The post, reported by SOUTH AFRICA TODAY, is accompanied by the text:

"HAWKS SHOOT KRUGER RHINO POACHERSJohannesburg - The Hawks on Sunday shot dead an alleged rhino poacher and injured another during a shootout in the Kruger National Park. Captain Paul Ramoloka said the Hawks, in partnership with the special anti-poaching task force, received information about the alleged poachers who were spotted near the Sabi Sands private game reserve in Skukuza at around 14:00. "When our team confronted the four men, they opened fire on the police who returned fire. One of the poachers was killed, another is in hospital while the other two were arrested," he said. Police confiscated a hunting rifle, axe, saw and sedan used by the alleged poachers. Ramoloka said the three men would be charged with attempted murder and being in possession of dangerous weapons. "We are still trying to link the suspects with some of the rhino poaching which have taken place in the KNP over the past week." According to SA National Parks (SANParks) the country had lost 528 rhinos since the beginning of 2012 and 320 of them were killed in the KNP.- SAPA"

I was disgusted not by the arrest of poachers, or the death of one, but instead disgusted by the massive swathe of reactions posted. 

Now, yes, rhino poaching is a serious issue in South Africa and across the world. As of 16 October 2012, 455 rhinos have been illegally killed for their horns, a figure which has reportedly (as seen in the above) risen to 528, with some reports putting the figure at 776. According to the World Wildlife Fund (WWF) approximately 75% of the world's rhinos live in South Africa, and here, the practice of rhino poaching has risen 3000% since 2011.

And for good reason, too.

According to South Africa’s National Prosecuting Authority (NPA), the rhino horn is valued at approximately ZAR 12, 000/kg, with Asian market prices going up with regards to how rare each rhino is. This is not a valid measure of black market prices.

But that - the moral indignation that these poachers are killing defenceless, docile beasts - is not what got me.
What was more horrifying, were the comments on the post.

At the time of viewing the post, there were 2325 likes, 1771 shares,  and 649 comments and quickly climbing with each second (not counting, of course, the myriad comments on each of the near 1700 shares). 

I decided to pick out the ones that hit me hardest. Remember that this is but a small, small sample. The full awful picture can be seen here.

Some of the worst examples

• "Kill them all"
• "Take no prisoners kill them all"
• "Chop off there [sic] arms"
• "kill them don't give them a second chance to do it again"
• "Cut their noses off and leave them in a veld
• "Death sentence for murderers - lets string them up in the village square and hang them"
• "one down" 
• "Kill the bastards!!!"
• "Shoot the bastards the poachers must be killed !!!" 
• "Don't spare the lead!" 
• "Good I hope they hang the bastard!" 
• "wonderful shoot to kill poachers every time"
• "Saw their balls off plus a leg or two and leave them to die or be eaten by any animal roaming the Kruger National Park"
• "One HUGE mistake..... one should have not been taken to hospital and the other two arrested!!!!!! All should have been killed and all 4 taken to the morgue!!!!!!!"
• "burn them alive"
• "don't waste time with arrests"
• "kill the whole fucking lot of them"
• "Next time kill all of them [sic] assasination style, nobody will question it, just say they died in the gunfight."
• "What happens in the bush, stays in the bush. Cut their throats and leave them to gargle in a pool of blood. The vultures and jackals will do the cleaning up."
• "They should shoot them all on site !! Or at least capture them, torture the information out of them and then shoot them"

Most, if not all, the comments suggest 'bush law' as a viable option to deal with these "scum of the earth": no witness, no court, no judge.

And worst of all, there are those who are pleased  by this hatred: "Fantastic, amazing how much hate there is for these guys, they should be tortured".

Word count

Doing a little investigative work, I came by the following stats concerning the number of instances of a word appearing in this comment board. Remember that this doesn't include the reactions in the 1700-odd shares.

The fact that "justice", "court and "jail" rank much, much lower than "kill", "shoot" or "cut" (as in "their horns/noses/penises - yes, you read correctly - off") speaks volumes - very concerning volumes, at that.

A worrying trend

Hard numbers:

"well done": 84

"kill": 64

"shoot": 58

"cut": 43

"bastard": 35

"die": 31

"good work" 18

"dead": 18

"hang": 15

"death": 13

"justice": 13

"deserve": 10

"fantastic": 10

"brilliant": 10

"jail": 6

"court": 5

On closer inspection...

Now, one thing that should be addressed is the idea that race is somehow intertwined (there was a lot of anger on my wall when I shared the post, with some pulling the race card). In the comments board (not counting profile pictures of animals/flowers/bikes/things that aren't people) there were 7 people who weren't white or Afrikaans, but even these two were equally pleased at the reported death: "LOL" and "burn them alive" were two responses.

Now, I'm not saying that there's a racial link between white people caring too much about rhinos or black people not caring enough about rhinos - that's a pretty popular card to play in South Africa, we can all admit. We can also admit that we're pretty fucking sick of it by now.

However, we have to look at the facts. 

With everything in life - crime included - there is a story behind the story. Given this country's shocking statistics that cover health, HIV infection rates, education, poverty, and the Living Standards Measure (SA has reportedly the widest gap between rich and poor in the world, with a GINI index score beating even that of Brazil, the previous heavyweight champion of 

inequality), it's shameful that we can be so brazenly outspoken against these issues when there are far, far more serious issues right in our back yard. Why is there not similar outcry at the terrible levels of service delivered in schools across the country? Where was the vehemence when news was released that a local orphanage here in Grahamstown was going to be closed?

Statistically speaking, white people are better off. And the luxury that comes with not having to worry about so-called 'third-world problems' like water, food, and so on, is that we can start worrying about more 'first-world problems'. It's not rocket science - it's Maslow. 

Now the people that don't fit this group - those who are in the bottom of the GINI index - where are they? Well, statistically, they're black, poverty-stricken, and coping with the daily human rights abuses perpetuated at the uncaring hands of government (note, I categorically state statistics, and in no way imply any connection between colour and crime).

We have to come to terms with the idea that, if someone struggles with daily basics, and is offered or told about the chance to get some horn by just killing an animal (R12 000/kg), then we have to accept that the thought that, as unsettling as you may think it:

It's just an animal

Even if they only get a percentage of the cut for doing the dirty work while their bosses sit back in Jo'burg/wherever, that's still more money than they could dream of getting. How can someone value so arbitrary and vague a concept as 'animal rights' or 'conservation' when he or she cannot even met their daily needs?

More worrying of all was clicking on several of the profile pictures. Many that I did further investigation on (who had public profile information) unashamedly boasted "Christian" in their 'religious view' field. Jesus was pretty clear on the whole "love they neighbour" stuff. Maybe God forgot the 1st amendment to the Ten: "... unless they poach rhinos"?
Christians: killing is wrong. Hell, I know that, and it's not because an old book told me so. Don't post "kill all of them, send a message" and then go to church and ask for forgiveness. That's not how it works.

South Africa (Dark red) sticks out like a sore, unequal thumb.

A misplaced hatred

The saddest thing of all is that this outburst of hatred, this welling of fury at these "bastards" and "c*#ts", is that it's a wasted fury. The bosses behind these atrocities, and the demand for rhino horn, are not affected by the death of this poor man, who will probably die without anyone ever knowing his name or why he did what he did. In fact, with security measures now gaining widespread popularity as rhino become more and more threatened, the demand for rhino horn should only increase  as supply dwindles and dries up. Killing the soldier does nothing: it's the head of the snake that should be cut off, and this is down to what our government does on an international trade level, as well as with wider intelligence operations and stings (times like this I wish the Scorpions were still around). 

Out of the huge array of comments, very few touched on this idea - 7 of them. That's less than one percent of the total posted.

• "We need to shoot the people who are hiring them to kill the rhino. That's not going to happen though as they are in their mansions in Sandton sipping on whiskey and smoking cigars."
• "Unfortunately the poachers are just the workers who are paid very little to do this. It's the big boys at the top that should be found and arrested.
• "They should get the Kingpins as well!!!"
• "...it is the big guys that need to be caught."
• "Get after the king-pins behind this despicable trade."
• "Yes, lots of poachers, would like to see some stronger government intervention at international level to sort out the syndicates driving this!!!"
• "They get paid nothing to do the dirty work and the ringleaders get all the money without getting caught"

Of the 700-or-so comments, only a mere three emulated my reaction:

• "I cannot be glad that someone's life ended. The killing needs to stop. Like others have already stated, killing the poachers is a temporary solution. Need to find who has employed them.
• "... Its completely wrong and disgusting what they do to those poor innocent rhinos, but I think its also morally wrong that everyone is so supportive of them being killed."
• "no one, despite their wrong doings DESERVES to be killed."

This country has fought hard for a justice system that treats us all fairly, and gives us the right to a fair trial. How can we even talk, even in anger, about sacrificing all that work, all that sacrifice? By denying a part of the Constitution, you deny all of the Constitution. And yes, I can hear your retort that the justice system does not deal these crimes effectively, but to you I reply: so we should just mete out justice on the spot? Line up every criminal and shoot them in the back of the head? (haaha, we'd barely have a government left ;) )

Only one comment questioned this: 

"Can't see the killing of poachers very constitutional?"

Killing in the name of...?

I will admit that I believe that (if the reports are correct) the shooting of the poacher in the article is justified. Simply put, it's self-defence. No race tangents, no politics.  

However, this is just a fact: a cold, legal point that says its okay to defend your life if it is in danger. It does not extend to gloating, or feeling a sick sense of pride that a human being has taken another human being's life. I think back to the news blown all across the world that Osama bin Laden had been killed, and I remember the roaring crowds that gathered in America to celebrate the fact - a sight that I understood, but could not help but feel sickened by. Yes, I lost my farm and much more in the crippling land reform program in Zim (many more lost even more than that), but if Mugabe were to push up daisies today, I don't think i'd flock to Facebook and cry "THANK GOD UR DEAD U PRIK BASTARD U DESERV IT".

I have to reiterate that the law should never extend to calls to kill poachers on sight, or indeed to bring back the death penalty. Think of Bheki Cele, and the damage he did with his desire to turn the police force into a 'shoot to kill' organisation (probably from watching too much Die Hard 2 on SABC3)?

In Section 11 of Chapter 2 of the South African Bill of Rights, it makes the following statement:

"The right to life, which has been held to prohibit capital punishment"

No amendments. No little clauses. No grey area.

But what can be done?

A brilliant article here points out the weaknesses, strengths and costs of each strategy. I won't go into specifics here - that isn't the point of this article.

What we can do is keep worrying: rhinos need their saviour, and ignoring one cause at the peril of another is no way to go about it. We shouldn't have to choose between the lesser of two evils. 

However, what I think we can do is be more considerate of the politics behind such a story. By calling for blood and a vague, immeasurable sense of justice meted out on the spot, we lose our humanity. These are people too. Yes, they're criminals and poachers, but what if it were your brother there, or your father, or your cousin? Would you still call for summary execution?

We cannot - I repeat, cannot - demean the value of even a single human life, whether we are Christian, Atheist, black or white. By doing that, we're no more than murderers ourselves.

Instead of just lashing out, baying for blood and hollering for heads, we should consider why it is that someone would want to kill an animal to harvest a medically-useless horn in the first place. 

And then direct all our fucking fury there.