Ubisoft announce upcoming release of “actually finished, playable” game

Ubisoft is taking a massive U-turn from their established business model, after this morning’s announcement that they’ll be making a game that actually works when you put it in your computer or console.

“We know our customers are just used to a certain ethos and experience when they see our swirling logo,” said CEO for the company, “but I think it’s about time we acknowledged the world’s clamouring for change.”

As such, Ubisoft has announced that they cancelling their original plans for their next release This is Literally Just a Corn-flecked Shit We Took In A Game Case, and are now in the process of developing an original IP that isn’t Assassin’s Creed or Far Cry and will actually work and not have hundreds of dollars of microtransactions embedded into the core gameplay.

Ubisoft's most recent release has been scrapped in
favour "of something actually worth buying"

“We know we’ve become the villians,” admitted the French publishing giant in a lengthy statement. “We’re a bunch of fucking cynical money-hungry pieces of shit who aren’t content with just some of the money but who have to ravage our customers’ wallets for every last dime like rapacious, dollar-devouring vultures by putting a price tag on what is actually content that should really just be in the original game or unlocked to reward normal game progression. We’re a bunch of soulless stains on humanity with our desire to control and stifle our trusting and naïve loyal customers by abusing the system of review embargoes. Some might even say we’re a collective of detestable, low-life, scum-eating bastards because we don’t even release a game that works without extensive patches and updates, or that we're even cowardly, irresponsible and abusive rectal worms because we still refuse to have a working returns policy that compliments legislation aimed at protecting customers from harmful business practices or inferior products. It’s about time we change this.”

Ubisoft now say this massive shift in organisational ethos is the product of long periods of existential introspection and meditation.

“Remember our last over-bloated, super-hyped piece-of-shit that didn’t deliver on its promises? No, not Unity, we’re talking about the other one, Watch_Dogs. We’ve learnt our lesson. You can’t just take disparate and singular elements and hype them into a ground-breaking gamechanger only to have it all too apparent that said element is just a shallow and unimaginative context-specific gimmick to peddle more copies.”

Ubisoft also apologised for their other flaws.

“We spend millions of dollars on breath-taking graphics and realistic settings which no one can appreciate because the framerate and resolution is locked or limited or sinks to levels seen only in the biopic penny arcades in the early 1900s,” they said. “It’s about time we stopped making the same game again and again – you know, even peppering our new IPs with done and cliché elements like towers you have to visit to unlock portions of the game or map? – and ceased this brainless obsession with graphics and ‘an immersive, cinematic experience’ and just made a simple, awesome game with great mechanics and moving storytelling. Did you even understand what the hell is going on in our last game? DNA, memories, something something, Templars, New World Order? Who even knows, bro?”

This is not the first time Ubisoft has teken a responsible decision – earlier this year they announced they didn’t want to “oppress and insult women by putting them in a game as shit as Unity.”

“Woman have it bad enough,” said an executive at the controversial press conference, “why would we want to degrade the further by including them as playable characters in an inexcusable piece of shit like this?”

However, the company was shrewd about details for the upcoming game.

“Why do you even care what kind of game it is?” the said. “I mean, you’re going to buy it anyway.”

The game, which has already scored a perfect 10/10 from IGN, will go on sale for $60 in Q4 of 2015.

Note: at the time of going to press, God had not responded to prayers that The Division be good, please, just be good.

Pic (my edit) from AJC1

Mega videogame conglomeration announce super AAA game

BoD 12: UBTRBC-Fp1 is set to be the biggest game
since Watch Dogs and Destiny.

Following an in-depth study of videogame consumer patterns, development giants Ubisoft and Electronic Arts have today announced their decision to merge with other triple-A videogame developers to bring you the game you’ve always wanted.

“After years of development, and titles like FIFA 2014, Sims 4 and a thousand Call of Duty games, we’ve come to a very simple conclusion,” said head of the development Carl Pipayste. “Innovation and creativity just aren’t what people want. You want sequels, prequels, remakes, spin-offs. As such, we are pleased to announce the greatest videogame of all time: Borderlands of Duty 12: Uncharted Battlefield Tomb-Raiding Brotherhood’s Creed – Dynasty Fallout part 1.

The game, they say, will embracing new digital technologies and contain all the beloved features of other AAA titles.

“Gone are the days where you’d have to walk all the way down to the store to buy the game and actually have to deal with the inconvenience of a game disc and box,” he said. “Now, at a special pre-order price of only $1000, you can buy any one of our eight different collector’s editions, each with their own special, exclusive content. It couldn’t be easier: just pay and we’ll email you a code to redeem a voucher to obtain a product number to activate a digital key to download a special distribution platform to start the download process. Once you’ve done this, just sit back and relax as the game downloads the launcher that downloads the installer that downloads the verification software that downloads the disc image. It’s that simple.”

The move comes just after Electronic Arts celebrated its 20-year-anniversary of releasing the same game again and again.

The two-company conglomerate now say that the always online game (which uses anti-pre-used and limited-multiple-install-DRM) has already scooped massive acclaim and awards from sites like IGN and Gamespot, which have given it a precursory 198 out of 4.

According to reviewers, BoD 12: UBTRBC-Fp1 is the emotive tale of Eric Blake, a white, American male protagonist who wears really big armour and guns down various shades of brown foes whilst wooing the obligatory defenceless, vulnerable female NPC character.

“Some people ask us, ‘but what’s the story? What series of global meltdowns have created a society in which I am forced to mow down ceaseless screaming waves of various thick-accented ethnicities?’” said Pipayste. “We like to think that irrelevant things like ‘narrative’, ‘plot’ and ‘character development’ just get in the way of all the really big guns and really pretty graphics the game brings. For the first time, we’re running a game that looks real. Hell, even I thought I was in the desert mowing down rag-heads with my M249 heavy machine gun.”

"Besides," he added, "it's got incredible graphics and all kinds of cinematic Quick Time Events and tonnes of Downloadable Content and in-game purchases. What more could you want?"

Fans can grab a copy at their nearest gamestore before the sequel comes out next year.