Mega videogame conglomeration announce super AAA game

BoD 12: UBTRBC-Fp1 is set to be the biggest game
since Watch Dogs and Destiny.

Following an in-depth study of videogame consumer patterns, development giants Ubisoft and Electronic Arts have today announced their decision to merge with other triple-A videogame developers to bring you the game you’ve always wanted.

“After years of development, and titles like FIFA 2014, Sims 4 and a thousand Call of Duty games, we’ve come to a very simple conclusion,” said head of the development Carl Pipayste. “Innovation and creativity just aren’t what people want. You want sequels, prequels, remakes, spin-offs. As such, we are pleased to announce the greatest videogame of all time: Borderlands of Duty 12: Uncharted Battlefield Tomb-Raiding Brotherhood’s Creed – Dynasty Fallout part 1.

The game, they say, will embracing new digital technologies and contain all the beloved features of other AAA titles.

“Gone are the days where you’d have to walk all the way down to the store to buy the game and actually have to deal with the inconvenience of a game disc and box,” he said. “Now, at a special pre-order price of only $1000, you can buy any one of our eight different collector’s editions, each with their own special, exclusive content. It couldn’t be easier: just pay and we’ll email you a code to redeem a voucher to obtain a product number to activate a digital key to download a special distribution platform to start the download process. Once you’ve done this, just sit back and relax as the game downloads the launcher that downloads the installer that downloads the verification software that downloads the disc image. It’s that simple.”

The move comes just after Electronic Arts celebrated its 20-year-anniversary of releasing the same game again and again.

The two-company conglomerate now say that the always online game (which uses anti-pre-used and limited-multiple-install-DRM) has already scooped massive acclaim and awards from sites like IGN and Gamespot, which have given it a precursory 198 out of 4.

According to reviewers, BoD 12: UBTRBC-Fp1 is the emotive tale of Eric Blake, a white, American male protagonist who wears really big armour and guns down various shades of brown foes whilst wooing the obligatory defenceless, vulnerable female NPC character.

“Some people ask us, ‘but what’s the story? What series of global meltdowns have created a society in which I am forced to mow down ceaseless screaming waves of various thick-accented ethnicities?’” said Pipayste. “We like to think that irrelevant things like ‘narrative’, ‘plot’ and ‘character development’ just get in the way of all the really big guns and really pretty graphics the game brings. For the first time, we’re running a game that looks real. Hell, even I thought I was in the desert mowing down rag-heads with my M249 heavy machine gun.”

"Besides," he added, "it's got incredible graphics and all kinds of cinematic Quick Time Events and tonnes of Downloadable Content and in-game purchases. What more could you want?"

Fans can grab a copy at their nearest gamestore before the sequel comes out next year.

EA celebrates 20th anniversary of releasing the same game

EA Games – Challenge everything (except the core gameplay mechanics and central ideas)

Following the successful launch of their 2014 edition of their FIFA World Cup football game on as many different videogame consoles as profit-makingly possible, videogames giant Electronic Arts (EA) have today celebrated their massive 20-year anniversary of releasing the same sports game.

“We’re just so happy,” said EA CEO Ian Ishals. “It’s taken years of perseverance, of stifling creative thought and internally repressing the resurgence of innovative concepts or new takes on the tired and over-done format of sports games, but we’ve done it.”

FIFA World Cup 2014 Brazil (which was originally penned to be released under the title FIFA Football Game Number 39) is the latest version of their original 2001 gameplay mechanics and basic coding – but the company is already hard at work updating the player names of this game to be released under the title FIFA World Cup Quatar 2022.

“We used to think that making inventive, breathtaking leaps in gameplay or never-before-seen concepts was necessary to make an impact on gaming culture – kind of like the massive change from ICO into Shadow of the Colossus or like they did with Borderlands, seamlessly combining elements of disparate gaming genres into one amazing product,” said head of the FIFA game design team, Cody Haxx, “but then we remembered we make sports and car games. So we just changed the names, shifted some stats, slapped a new coat of graphics on it, and bam! There you go!”

EA, which has been hard at work mastering how to release the same game with the illusion of novelty enough to dupe consumers, first found success in their global franchise The Sims, which has seen enough editions, versions, expansions, sequels and DLC-addons to last a lifetime and is entering its 2,758th instalment.

“What we’ve accomplished with that game is phenomenal,” they said. “You’d think consumers would notice our offering the same DLC pack each time we release a sequel – like we did with that IKEA furniture content pack – but no. They love it so much, they keep coming back for more.”

Fans are ecstatic.

“Taking the ladder out the pool, building a house with no doors to watch your Sims piss themselves, pass out and eventually die… these things never get old!” said 28-year-old gamer Creed Eitkard.

This anniversary celebration comes just one year after the Electronic Arts made history for winning the International Ecological Responsibility Award, for being so utterly dedicated to recycling trash.

Xbox user accidentally destroys all of the Middle East

Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan and all of the Middle East have been reduced to a single charred, radioactive and smoking desert devoid of life this weekend, after an Xbox Live user accidentally logged into the United States Military Defence Network server and went onto inflict what he is calling “the greatest high score of all time” against the group of Arab countries.

According to a Commission headed by the Supreme Court and the Senate, 14-year-old Jake Ericson accidentally logged onto the Pentagon’s wireless servers at about 3:14pm yesterday afternoon after he put new hit First Person Shooter game Call of Duty: Ghosts into his console’s disc tray. Ericson then proceeded to load what he thought was a special downloadable Drone Strike mission, which resulted in the deaths of some 42 million people.

“Usually in these games, if you kill a friendly soldier or a civilian – except in that No Russian airport mission controversy, of course – you die,” said the Commission in its final report. “But outside of the game, there was no such limitation placed on Ericson. His pursuit of topping the leaderboard was unhindered.”

Ericson, who has mastered this game over many years and versions of Call of Duty, was reportedly unstoppable.

“When we saw one of our drones go rogue and start this senseless and horrifying slaughter, we tried to shoot it down with counterdrones, missiles, and countermeasures,” said Military spokesman Hope Infyre, “but he just pressed the Right Trigger button to deploy flares and barrel roll.”

In spite of the controversy, however, Infyre said that they had to look at the “silver lining in all of this”.

“This just shows us how warfare is evolving,” he said. “We shouldn’t punish him, but instead learn from him. If we could boil down war to just one drone, think how much that could save us in yearly budget allocations on Defence.”

The Department of Defence has since considered offering Ericson and other COD fans full-time positions training a future generation of warriors, but they say there are still some legal considerations to be ironed out.

“First of all, we’ll need to amend or even possibly rewrite the Geneva Convention and its laws on the rules of engagement,” said the DOD in a statement, “because right now it doesn’t say anything about the ethics, morals or legality of calling everyone around you a bunch of noob faggots and then teabagging their dead corpses after you shoot them in the back.”