Billy, “lout, class clown” has last laugh

We’ve all had that teacher who warned us we would never amount to anything unless we applied ourselves, but Billy Edwards - once a young, boisterous underachiever in high school - has broken free of that curse.

Billy – who was told by that bitch Mrs McKinsal in the 5th grade that unless he quietened down and stopped disrupting classes or getting into trouble with the wrong crowd he would live a “meaningless existence from paycheck to paycheck – has had the last laugh.

“She said I would never amount to anything. She used big and misleading phrases like ‘if only you applied yourself more, Billy’ and ‘if you just focused a little more you could be the first in your family to go to college and make something of yourself’,” he scoffed. “Shows what that stuck up slag knows.”

And a failure Billy is not.

“Look at me now,” he explained, spreading his arms out wide and pointing out the glory all around him. “Assistant Manager at McDonalds on the Southside in just five-and-a-half years, in charge of my own team of five 17-year-olds on minimum wage! I’m living the dream.”

He explained further.

“It hasn’t been easy: despite all Mrs McKinslut that warned, I’ve made it. It’s been a long journey: from toilet cleaner, to cookboy, to cashier, to off-duty overseer, to vice-vice-assistant-manager, to sub-assistant manager, and now finally: I’m rolling with the big dogs.”

“I pull in hundreds of dollars a month. I was employee of the month in January and June of last year. I roll around the streets in a barely used second-hand Nissan. I’ve got my own one-bedroom apartment that I rent from my mom. Shows you what Mrs McBitchface knows.”

And Billy’s is a position that comes with enormous responsibility.

“When it comes to this tiny corner of this town with less than 4000 inhabitants, I’ve got my work cut out for me. Whose job is it to ensure – several times per meal – that customers are, in fact, enjoying their meal and that everything is fine? Me. I have to ask them. I’ve got to deal with customer complaints. I’ve got to walk around looking like I contribute to the running of this tight ship. And most importantly of all, I’ve got to make sure the cashier and fry cook don’t have sex on the food preparation surfaces.”

But the path to success is not without self-discovery, as Billy has learnt.

“Sometimes I shudder to think where I would be now if I had followed her advice. Imagine if I had refocused my efforts on math, or gone to the extra lessons she offered to pay for? Can you envision what kind of slum I would be living in if I hadn’t bought an ounce of weed with all those textbooks and study guides she bought me on her paycheck, which I make at least twice over ever month?”

“Some people scoff that I could have ended up like Jessica (Grady, 26, PhD Biochemical Nano-engineering) or Tom [Thomas Henderson, 27, orthopaedic surgeon specialising in spinal reconstruction], but without me, where would the people get their combo meal and large soda? Wendy’s down the road? Fuck that.”

“It just goes to show you what teachers know. All their nonsensical try-hard bullshit about self-improvement and hard work – schools don’t even teach you anything important these days,” he said, grabbing a mop and bucket. “Now if you’ll excuse me: some hobo just puked in booth 3 and we’re short staffed today.”

A feminst hacked my blog - reader responses

By now you’ve all heard the news: Muse and Abuse was hacked, and my torrent of anti-gay, anti-women, anti-black propaganda shut down.

It’s been a hectic few days. I thought I’d lose my blog forever, but luckily I figured out her password. It wasn’t too hard either. Got it on the first time, too: “OMGdidyoujustassumemygenderSOTRIGGEREDKILLALLMENproblematicBeckiesSTFU”.

I’ve of course, pressed charges, but her father’s expensive lawyer pressured me into dropping the case. Turns out she was right about that two-tiered system of justice.

However, it’s always good to listen opposing sides of arguments – even those you would never vehemently agree with. It keeps you on your toes, keeps your blog from being a circlejerk, and confuses the fuck out of the algorithm that has to try decide what content to serve you on social media platforms.

And since the ordeal, I’ve received a lot of letters addressed to the part-time illegitimate editor of Muse and Abuse. I thought I’d leave the reply (from “Stuart” we’ll call him) below. It's illuminating.

Dear Angie Davison,

Thank you for your bravery. It was truly courageous what you did. You took a risk for a laudable goal: to tell us things. Things we need to hear. Things of dire importance. Things that I, as a straight white male – am not allowed to say because it isn’t my place to contribute to a complex, nuanced discussion of our society and laws.

So thank you. Thank you for taking the incredibly gutsy decision to hack a blog that is read by nearly 12 people.

As a white, straight, cis-male, I think about all those other white, straight, cis-males who inflict such pain on the world by merely being alive. You’re right: men are such fucking scum, especially the white ones. It makes me mad. It makes me ashamed of myself. I’ve thought about killing myself for the past two years just so that there would be one less of me for you to get triggered by at all waking moments.

Feminism isn’t as evil as people think it is. Especially not this latest version of it. It changes lives. It changed my life forever. Let me tell you a story.

When I was in highschool, I was a nerd. I didn’t play any sports. I didn’t have many friends. I was weird. I didn’t develop proper social skills. While all those other boys went out onto the rugby field and re-enacted the values of a violent patriarchy and perpetuated the dangerous norms of ultraviolent masculinity that seeks not only to own women and kill them, but also kill other men who want to own their women, I had to sit and brood.

I was just an adolescent boy, after all. I had hormones. I had insecurities. I had desires. But no girls would talk to me. They would just focus on those rugby boys (of course it was only later that I learned that this is because women are indoctrinated re-enact and re-perpetuate the disgusting patriarchy unless she is doing of her own free will in which case that is an empowering decision and I commend her bravery and FIRE YASS).

And so I sat in sadness.

But where, as we all know, most boys like me would have gone out and murdered hundreds of women in a blood-soaked, sex-driven mass killing spree, I went to a liberal college and discovered our Lordess and saviour, Third-wave Feminism.

Now girls talk to me. I wow them with how amazing they are. I croon agreement and echo their thoughts, agreeing with everything they say because as women they are always right and we need to believe everything they say without hesitation, criticism, or need for evidence. I hold their bags. I snort derisively about men - all men - loudly and aggressively whenever possible.

Sure, they still don’t sleep me, or look at me as anything more than a hand-bag holding lackey to serve as a silent ally without the ability to hold, defend or form his own opinions, but it beats whacking off to Naruto. Besides, who needs the physical touch of another human being if you know you’re an evil that would just infect other, pure, female souls, a sick piece of shit who must atone for the sins of those who share his race and sex?

I’m deeply sorry, Angie (do you have a non-hetero-normative-post-birth-name, or does your assigned identity empower you?), I didn’t mean to say “human”. I meant “humxn”. I’ll add ten dozen “Hail Anita”s and forty “Praise Be to Jessica Valenti”s to my hourly privilege checking.

Anyway, I think third-wave feminism gets a bad rep. So what if it doesn’t use the racist, oppressive so-called “scientific standard”? Who cares if it ignores compelling evidence and argues vague pseudoscience that hasn’t been peer-reviewed beyond a panel of people who share Our Own One Truth? What does it matter if we refuse to have calm, level-headed discussion using clear examples and proven statistics in favour of abject screaming?

It’s all because of unfair stereotypes, baseless generalisations and oversimplified straw-man constructions by trans-hating, racist, misogynistic white male bigots who want to see God-King Trump remove his outer layer to reveal Satan wearing a Hitler costume.

They disparage degrees in Media Studies and Gender Studies – but how else can a person learn not to be a fucking arsehole to women, other men, and people who are different to them? Common decency? Basic human empathy? Societal laws and rules for civil life?

No. Only an expensive four-year degree that saddles you with crippling debt (THANKS FOR NOTHING OBAMA) can do that. Well, that and starting a tumblr blog.

I only ask one thing, Angie. That you delete this blog. Of course, everyone is gonna shout about “MUH FREEDUM OF SPEECH”, but they forget that we have nothing against different opinions. Just as long as they are all different in the same way.

This isn’t funny. This isn’t satire. When I read him making fun of third-wave of feminism, it was triggering. We can’t allow this kind of violence and patriarchal brutality to be meted out any more. I’ve already blocked him on Twitter. Please do us a favour and block him for the rest of the world.

PS: if you’re triggered please please please reach out DM me I have cookies and hugs and blankies and puppies and I can say nice things to you.

Yours in a way that doesn’t condone ownership of other people,

Stuart

Man's white cis-het male Halloween costume leaves people terrified and triggered

Controversy and terror reign this week, after an area man dressed up as a cis-gendered, heterosexual white male for Halloween, leaving hundreds of Twitter users and university students outraged and horrified.

Local accountant Westley Krayven says he had the idea for the costume when thinking of how to live up to the horror-inspiring legacy of this annual celebration.

"I thought to myself, what monsters are there that are still scary, that root people to the spot in deep, paralyzing fear? And I don't mean sparkly, emotionally-unstable vampires or Native Americans who turn into big dogs, thanks to the Twilight Saga," he said. "Besides, it's frowned upon to stray even an inch outside of your own culture, and so I didn't think wearing harmless feather headdresses or a samurai costume was worth being lynched on social media and losing my job over."

"In any case, our roster of truly despicable, monstrous creatures is frighteningly short these days."

Short, but not empty, as Krayven soon realised.

"I wanted to dress as the most terrifying and offensive thing I could for this spooky, dark night. I wanted to come dressed as a true monster, that is universally reviled and hated in even the most supposedly tolerant sectors of our society. That's when it hit me: who is responsible for all the problems in our society? Who actively makes the world a worse place to live in just because they are alive and around? Who - somehow - controls the entire world, the global markets, oppresses anyone who isn't them, and who literally invented slavery and murder?"

"I was looking in a mirror at the time, so it was kind of a rhetorical question."

Krayven even carved a pumpkin depicting a cis-gendered
white male to go with his costume.
Not to be confused with lesser demons or much less harmful Balrogs. 

Krayven's costume was reportedly very convincing, down to the last detail.

"It actually took very little effort. I just dressed normally. Like, a checkered shirt and some jeans. I didn't even need any prosthetics or make-up."

However, it was getting into character that made his costume all the more convincing.

"I really had to think: what would a monster like me say, and how would they act?. So I did things like ask for evidence of your assertion, defend the principles of scientific methodology over the wishy-washy subjectivity of post-modernism; said things like 'not all men…', 'all lives matter' and, my personal favourite, 'actually'," he explained. "I didn't even need to say anything racist or sexist. Past experience has taught me that you don't actually need to, because you're automatically those things."

Reactions to his grotesque getup have been mixed.

"I think it’s disgusting that someone dressed up like this," said third-year Gender Perspectives in Basket Weaving student, Constance Mohning. "I know him – he once got drunk and kissed a man, and in his early university days he questioned the conventions of masculinity. Who is he to appropriate the struggles of white cis-het men everywhere? It’s sickening."

"Besides, Halloween is derived from ancient holy Celtic celebrations and Christian's All Saint's Day. I think it's so EUGH and problematic that people belittle and degrade this holy, ancient culture by dressing up in costumes. It's cultural appropriation and it isn't right. People shouldn’t be allowed to pretend, for just one night, that they are something other than what they are: to put on a mask and make believe, for a moment, that they aren’t alone and unremarkable; that they’re a warrior, a noble sultan, or an exotic princess, and bring some humour and creative spark into this drab and ugly world. Did I say, 'Eugh'?. Like, EUGH."

Others, however, are not so miffed.

"I know it’s an unforgivable thought-crime, but I think people should be allowed to dress up however they want on Halloween without fear of losing their job because some lonely, angry person on Twitter doesn’t agree with your decision to ‘belittle Christians by mocking the image of Jesus Christ’ or 'erase the lived experience and real struggles of indigenous peoples by dressing up as Pocahontas',” said another student. “So far, I’ve seen a bunch of costumes and I haven’t been offended. That’s why I dressed up as Article 50 of the Brexit decision: because I haven’t been triggered yet.”

Whatever the outcry, Krayven is still deciding on plans for next Halloween.

"I was thinking of dressing up as the Straw Man from the Wizard of Oz next year, but I think I might have already done that costume."

The Tate Modern: a new definition of “Art”

A Guest Arts and Culture Review by Doctor Anthony Beauregard Peabody (BA Arts, MA Fine Arts, PhD Feminist Brush Theory)

Walking through the twist and turns of this hallowed gallery, you might be tempted to look around, regard the ingenious shapes and striking blobs of colour and bits of string, and loudly proclaim “are you serious, mate?”

If you’re a troglodyte, that is. But, however, you’re not some moaning, murping, whingey, artless, illiterate, soulless, blind, uneducated, lower-middle-class scum, just as I am not. And so you – just like me – would be refreshed and invigorated by the breath-taking display of modern art pieces in this fine curation: a bold and daring redefinition of what “art” really means.

Jean Helion (1904 – 1987)

My review begins - as all great reviews of timeless work do – at the beginning, with French abstractist Helion’s Abstract Composition. Skillfully thrown together in 1934 using bold oils, contrasting schemes and shapes etched using a wonky ruler, the piece is as challenging as it is beautiful. Far from the photo-realistic oil paints of a bygone era, Helion focuses his brush to devastating effect in a neo-performative critique of the Marxo-social feminine ideal. Using his mother as a model and sniffing deeply of the turpentine, Helion’s simplistic shapes remind us of a childhood era of peace, innocence, and fucking around in MSPaint drawing ovals and filling them in with that paintcan thingy. Marvellous, isn’t it?

Piet Mondrian (1872-1944)

Following Helion’s genius is Mondrian’s 1935 seminal chef d’oeuvre, Compostion B. While the name might be lacking in sophistication and hidden meanings, the painting itself is not: he uses white. He uses black. He uses squares. He uses lines. To the untrained eye, it might appear a lacklustre effort – something painted when the crackpipe is empty and you have nothing to eat but dry pasta and butter. But its mastery lies in the white space. We’ll get onto white space in a bit, but rest assured that this is just the first gobsmacking example of artistic brilliance.

Joseph Beuys (1921-1986)

A too-often-heard criticism of art is the requirement for colour, innovation, technique, and “making it at least nice to look at”. However, Beuy’s impromptu oeuvre in 1974, the infamous For the lecture: ‘The Social Organism: a Work of Art’ does away with such retrogressive limitations. A frenzy of chalk and animal-like, kinda-looks-like-a-person-I-guess shapes are drawn together with furious zeal, outlining the social construction of the world and man and beasts places within that ever-shifting, complex web. It’s, like, deep.

Beuy’s profound discontentment with the limitations of conventional art – such as being able to just draw a horse that looks like a goddamn horse – are not capped at his bestial designs: his obliteration of basic writing and spelling that makes your doctor’s script look like calligraphy cement the movement’s deep revolution away from the restriction of the Old Masters.

Unknown author

This next piece is awe defined. While abstractists and modern art turns away from the sour conventions of old, this piece turns that discontentment on itself. Welding and silver-washing steel into a centrepiece, the artist scatters recreations of excrement around it. However, in a galling and audacious shunning of contemporary modern technique, the scat is not, in fact, made from his own faeces. Rather, he makes the puzzling choice of bronze. Why a modern artist would use metalwork when there is a perfectly good belly of shit inside him, ready at any moment to be couched and splattered in a glorious, counter-contemporary cascade into an oily, thick puddle of brilliance, or smeared with his own hands - perhaps mixing it with the period blood of his wife - onto a canvas, is beyond me – but his efforts are, indeed, commendable.

Ceal Floyer (1968)

Simplistic pieces that leave the audience reeling and gawping at the wall are this exhibition's forte, and no piece is no different. Since its creation in a Sainsbury’s in Holborn in June of 2009, Monochrome Till Slip has been leaving audiences gobsmacked. Using just 49 all-white items that cost about 55 pounds sterling, this 30 000-pound masterpiece challenges the viewers conception of not just colour, but value. “What is colour?” he muses; “Is white a colour?” he ponders; “Jesus, have I been binning 30 000 pounds every time I go shopping?” he queries.

Various Authors – white spaces

This aforementioned concept is a central theme in modern art. Indeed, just as famed masters of old were celebrated for producing spectacular work filled with vibrant colours, awe-inspiring figures, and bold techniques, so too do the new masters do exact the same thing just with none of that. Ellsworth Kelly’s (1923-2015) provoking 1974 creation White Curve is just one of these, but the gallery is bedecked with them: a moving tribute to the nothing. For after all, without nothing, how could there be anything? With no paint, no brush, no frame, no material, no content, is art defined in and of itself, or defined as a contrast to purity, to a null, blank nothingness? All technique can only be identified in the absence of such; and all art can only be identified in the absence of art. But then, is this now art? Does a nothing that defines a something make it, indeed, a something itself? I’m very smart. I hope you’re following.

It doesn’t end with Kelly, however: blank canvases bring negative space screaming into fruition. In one example, three blank canvasses hang side-by-side, a stunning riposte to the outmoded ideals of what constitutes a “body of works” or “portfolio”. Are they all just the same blank canvas? Or are they reinterpreted and their meanings recodeified with each subjective appraisal, “um”, “ah”, and “what the fuck is this bullshit”? These works are exquisite: a communico-performative social reconstruction that uses both negativeness and audience to reframe art as a conceptulisational referencing Jurgenialist non-adaptive recreation.

In some cases, it was just a blank wall, with a blanked-out explanation box. Bold. Simple. Beautiful. Genius.

Art as trash; trash as art

By now, many criticisms have been offered as to the value of this art. Not its literal value, as that has been established by art houses and taxpayers, but its value as an artistic project. “This is garbage,” some may cry, from their places at the trough. But this is the exact, surgeon-like accuracy of the artistic project: to challenge the hegemonic conventions of art by using a Thingymajigian approach to High-Balderdashian Obfuscationalism so as to instill an anti-traditionalist critique of the problematic oversimplification of art as “something that’s nice to look at” or “that makes us feel something”.

And they are right. Oft-times, the art is garbage. Crafted from the detritus of society and pulled from council tips, these recreations make us ask “is this really an old blanket?” and “is this really just a dirty bucket squeezed between a milk carton and a Styrofoam brick, a combination that uses elitist posturing and jargon to alienate those who don’t see the Emperor’s New Clothes?”

“What is waste, and what is wasted?” we must question. Regard this following piece:

The material is a bold choice. Flimsy and tacked together at the last minute – just like its premise – it makes the audience wonder ‘wire-we looking at this?’. Of course, the exhibit doesn’t stop there, as it is a cornerstone of modern art is to stray from cliché materials to recreate a new art.

Untitled (toilet paper, wooden floor) is one such offering. This piece, by an unknown author stops you dead in your tracks. Situated not on a wall or in a demarcated area, it breaks the boundaries of the limiting gallery context, a space beleaguered with rules and restrictions. Where you cannot touch other pieces, this sturdy construction from simple toilet paper and the artists excrement is not beset by such limitations. You can even, if you want, touch it, or rub it against your cheek – as I did, several times. A sublime challenge to demoded conventions.

This simple creation is just a fraction of a larger setpiece. Hidden in a smaller tiled exhibition space demarcated merely by traditional signs for males, females, and disabled persons, a series of miniature sculptures in porcelain, paper and steel carry this anti-conventional message to powerful new heights. By drawing on real life gender divisions in society, enforcing them on the audience, and creating a performative space that critiques human waste creation, it makes for truly puissant art.

You see, that is the Tate Modern’s true success. Walking out, the audience is left perplexed and deeply unsettled, questioning the very definition of art itself. Alas, I must admit that this is a feeling that is muted and spoiled by the curators decision to ruin the unilateral, message-laden exhibition with lackluster works by Degas, Monet and that plebiscite's abstractist, Picasso. What is this, the fucking Louvre?

9/10 stars except for the floor for Georgia O'Keeffe

So you want a cock-tale dress?

Can't find the news you're looking for? We'll make it up for you! - Muse and Abuse

We need Free Education now - or we are all screwed

The Issue of Free Education has swept like a blaze - both literally and figuratively - across our nation's campuses. Citing the high cost of education in South Africa, students have taken to the streets with placards to demand that universities be open and free - but these protests often spark riotous outburst, shocking violence, and massive damage to our tertiary institutes. Here, Guest Writer Johan Van Eksteen puts forward a powerful and unconventional argument in favour of delivering every single one of the protesters demands. We think you'll agree.

The past few months on South African campuses have been tumultuous indeed. From Wits and UKZN to Rhodes and UCT, students have flocked en masse to the streets and lecture halls, demanding one simple thing: Free Education.

And yet, many of you (my Dear Readers) are vehemently opposed to this! You flock to social media and huddle in your racist echo chambers muttering trite things about the economy and having meaningless discussions about things as trivial as “long-term sustainability”, “limited funding” and “where the hell is this massive amount of money going to come from?”

However, my dear friends, I believe that there is a very powerful case to be made for universal, free and open tertiary education. It’s not even a case of “can we even do it without destroying our economy”; it’s a case of we must do it ASAP.

Not to address the historical inequalities of our country or deliver on the vague promises of ’94, ’07, ’09 and ’13. Not to restore dignity and parity and to give the poorest an opportunity to improve their lives. And no, not even to create an educated, progressive society that will one day contribute heavily in graduation tax and higher personal taxes (à la Denmark et Germany et Sweden et al) to others who want to benefit from the same free education they did.

No. We need to give them free education because, if we don’t, we are all fucked.

Ask yourself, which is more important: not having to pay an extra 15% tax in your business and personal declarations, or bringing enlightenment and critical thinking to someone who has such a puerile, myopic understanding of the economy, budgetary limitations, and finances?

How can you look at campuses - at the burning Jammie buses, the torched buses at Wits, the charred husks of cars at UKZN – and not see that these people need to read a fucking book as quickly as possible? How can you stand there and watch works of art being piled up and incinerated at UCT, read reports of staff, admin and VCs being harassed and held hostage, and browse photos of law libraries, coffee shops, theatres, and IT buildings being burned to the ground, and not realise that we need to get some fucking knowledge into their brains as soon as is humanly feasible?

How do you – Dear Reader – sit there in your mansions of privilege and greed watching Youtube videos showing protestors expelling parents and stakeholders from meetings because of their race - and NOT recognise the need for free, great education for these screaming buffoons?

Time and time again, illegal, illogical or infeasible demands are made by protestors, asking for free food and accommodation, asking that we abandon Western scientific disciplines, or demanding university staff be forced to donate their salaries or that landlords be forced to rent out their properties at a controlled amount, and you want to remain totally blind to the desperate need this country has for education?

How can you sit there on social media, scrolling past the contempt for and silencing of student media on campuses, the pages and pages of cult-like misinformation, propaganda, fear-mongering and hateful paranoia, not once think “I should be there, on the frontline, fighting to get these kids into the best classroom in the world!”?

Of course, it’s so, so easy for you to retort, “But where will the money come from?” This just shows you all the propaganda you’ve been swallowing.

This protest is being led by some of the finest financial and economic minds of our time. There are hundreds of MA and PhD students in those masses, making informed, rational suggestions. Since day one, there has been a clear and reasonable plan to show where all the billions of rand a year will come from – you just haven’t read it because you’re a racist.

Firstly, we’ll increase taxes by 15%. You know, above the tax increments already outlined in the National Budget '17/'18. It’s not like businesses will respond to this by putting up their prices of basic goods and services, thus negating the increases.

We’ll double the National Budget spending on education, up all the way to 100%. The national budget only pays for stupid things anyway, like the military. It’s not as if our national coffers are put towards Public healthcare, grants and welfare, or social services.

Besides this, we’ve all seen the damning financial documents from Rhodes. Not only will providing free internet, free food, free transport, free accommodation, a team of hundreds of admin staff and lecturers, and access to international academic platforms and libraries cost absolutely nothing, but all universities have literally trillions of Rands just lying around.

In any case, you have to ask yourself this frightening thought: what happens if we don’t give them the education they want so badly?

With just a shitty Matric and no other meaningful qualifications (coupled with irrationality and anger) they could easily become a policeman, or a Member of Parliament, or hell, the next President of South Africa. If you think they’re dangerous and destructive now, just imagine them with powers of law, or control over the financial reserves, or responsibility for the running of the country!!!

Next time you’re about to criticise this student movement, just take a moment to look across that crowd and ask yourself: “Do I want one of these people to be the next Hlaudi, the next Motshekga, the next Bheki Cele, or – god forbid – another Jacob Zuma?!”.

We need free education now, or we are all screwed.

Johan is a guest columnist at Muse and Abuse. Widely renowned for his non-nonsense approach to controversial topics, Johan shines a blinding light of truth on subjects like the hideous scourge of immigration, why white people should vote ANC, why Blackface isn't the real racist problem in SA, and how Black Privilege is an ugly truth that no one wants to admit. He also thinks gay marriage should have been outlawed years ago.

I'm taking a stand against this racist, sexist, privileged, problematic page

The bullshittery has gone on long enough.

I’ve known about this website for a while. “Funny”, you might call it, if you think the racist, sexist oppression of minorities and disenfranchised groups - or expressing an opinion that I don't share - is funny. Too long have we let such privilege go unchecked. For years, this site has been allowed to offend. To trigger. Well, no more.

Finally, I decided I’d do something about it. But, halfway through calling the author a "homophobe" and a "racist" on Twitter, using a trendy, clever hashtag that would definitely have changed the world, I thought I’d actually do something.

So I put away my mug of male tears, crawled out of my offense-free safe space ball pit, said twelve "Hail 'Yonces" and hacked his account. I wasn’t even hard. It was the first password I tried: “Ih8womenKillAllMinoritiesKKKstrangleSmallKittens69”.

Who am I? I’m Angie Davison. I’m a diasexual, brynxagender, polymorphic, fairykin pan-amorous feminist whose preferred pronouns are “zyrdl”, “zyrdlre”, and “xzyv” (LEARN THEM OR I WILL BLOCK YOU) and who identifies as a pan-gendered demi-theist, myxa-romantic pluraphorialist (but I’m not sure about that last one so I’ll see how I feel next week). And I am so DONE with this problematic fuckery.

So why did I hack his blog, you ask? Well, all across the world, in colleges and universities from Britain to America to South Africa, Freedom of Speech is under attack. Every time we - feminists and protesters like myself - say or do something virtuous and pure, hordes of droning troglodytes are allowed to reply with their wrong, stupid opinions. Large rallies of Christians and Republicans, and all flavours of controversial speakers are allowed to poison the air with their vituperative agendas, veiled under a thin pretense of "the right to political association and freedom of expression". They're allowed to lampoon our sacred, holy, universal beliefs. It's sick.

For every paper or publication we ban on campus, another pops up. For every song we get blacklisted on campus, another one takes its place. For every problematic noun or word that gets added to a list of potential Disciplinary Offences, a new one is created. For every dissenting, evil voice whose career and life we destroy on social media through paranoia, virtue signaling, and mob hatred, another one pipes up from the gorgeous, progressive silence.

Universities should be a safe space, where all of us - whether you're a POC, a Critical Studies student or someone fighting for a cause I already support - should be allowed to discuss our ideas freely and safely, without criticism or dissent.

I am done with cis-gender white men thinking they can rule and oppress the world and everyone. These straight, white male scum stereotype and box everyone by their sexual orientation, gender identity, race and sex, and then try to make them feel bad about just being who they are. It’s bullshit. They're a bunch of man-spreading, mansplaining, micro-aggressing bigots who reduce everything around them to an oversimplified straw-man. Every day, they inflict mental and systemic violence on hundreds of people just by being there. Their violence is disgusting. If we want to create a more peaceful, tolerant society, we need to kill them all #YESALLMEN.

MICRO-AGRESSING SCUM.
pic: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:FriedC

They’re probably even worse than second wave, sorry WHITE feminists, who did even less for society. You’d think that fighting for the vote, reducing voting age, securing fair labour laws and working towards our social and sexual emancipation would have been high on the agenda, but no, Becky with the Bitch hair was too busy listening to hubby, wearing pink and making cute cupcakes to stop the OPPRESSIVE PATRIARCHAL SHITLORDS from continuing their shitty, oppressive, democratically elected campaigns of terror into 2016. Worse still, their practices were hugely islamophobic and Eurocentric. How can scum like Ayaan Hirsi Ali have the audacity to criticise other cultures, or tell them how to treat their women? EUGH YOUR FAVES ARE SO PROBLEMATIC.

They didn’t even think of the biggest issues of our time. Things like white guilt and white privilege. As a white female, it sickens me to think of how many white people there are that don’t make effusive, complicated internet confessions of their sins to seem more enlightened and morally superior than those around them. It makes me so angry I almost spilled cappuccino onto my Macbook Pro's keyboard.

Despite there still being a pay gap in some small areas of society when you don’t adjust for job experience, qualification, time off and maternity leave, do they focus their efforts on this? No. And how can they, because they DON’T UNDERSTAND THE WORLD like we – twenty-something unemployed bloggers with four year degrees in Media Studies and Gender studies – do.

How can you begin to lobby for better, more progressive legislation without a spicy FIRE hashtag? How do even consider studying for something like a law degree to ensure that existing legal frameworks that ensure equality between men and women of any race or creed are upheld and followed to the letter without getting to grips with the deep lattice of competing systems of bigotry and prejudice that make me a lot more oppressed than you? How can we work towards a better, more considerate society if we aren’t ostracising those who think differently from us and use words or ideas that offend me?

Let this be a lesson to all of you out there. We are woke. We are watching. The days of this kind of oppressive, unfunny, fuckery that masquerades that “satire” and makes fun of things that I don’t find funny are numbered.

Making fun of Donald Trump or insulting African and traditional leaders who hate gay people is okay. I don't mind if he writes highly charged, ironic posts about how female voices are underrepresented in traditional, academic and legal spheres. I can even support his parodying of Men's Rights Activists. But to make fun of things I don't find funny, or my personal beliefs is a level of privileged fuckery that I won't tolerate. Say one more goddamn word about bell hooks and I’ll give this blog the Blurred Lines treatment: it'll be gone faster than a tweet that disagrees with whatever I say or do.

The choice is yours, boy: Check your privilege and check your hate speech, or Muse and Abuse goes bye-bye.

Trumps wall plans “a good start but not enough” say world’s leaders

Speaking at a United Nations conference in Paris, world leaders today embraced Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump’s controversial plans for a giant wall, saying “it’s a visionary and necessary move, but at this stage, it’s just not enough.”

“Much more work needs to be done,” said the Presidents and leaders of 193 nations across the globe. “For a start, it’s not high enough. It needs to be taller. Thicker. Larger. Longer. It needs to be covered in surface-to-air-missile launchers, electrified barbed wire and landmines. That’s the only way to be absolutely sure that nothing can get into America. Or, more specifically, out.”

“Just imagine the kind of person who would try to come into our country from the post-apocalyptic hellhole that will be Trump’s America?” said the President of Mexico, Enrique Peña Nieto, who – along with his nation – is personally footing the bill for the construction of the gargantuan border wall. “The man might be insane, but he’s right: we need those borders to be utterly impassable.”

He went on to add that Trump’s vision of protecting jobs, healthcare, and welfare were “an inspiration” that all other nations should draw from.

“Again, Trump is right: we need to protect our jobs, our hospitals and our social grants. Right now, there are thousands of Mexicans whose jobs as baristas, social media managers, and website designers will be threatened by a wave of American liberal immigrants. Right now – in places like Mexico and Cuba – millions of dollars are thrown away into giving American immigrants affordable, state-funded healthcare and drugs that aren’t marked up 5000% by greedy pharmaceutical corporations. We must protect what is ours.”

Other presidents agreed and elucidated.

“Trumps aims are sound and well-founded,” said Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel. “As time goes on and the spread of fascism worsens, thousands of people will attempt to escape their authoritarian regimes of hatred and oppression into brighter lands of tolerance and respect for basic human rights. Who knows, maybe some of these immigrants might come from countries that aren’t the future United States?”

However, some political analysis have noted concern for Trump’s plans, saying it could “direly affect” his term of Presidency.

“If the border wall goes up, we have to ask ourselves some important questions,” said head researcher at the Palfron Foundation of International Affairs, Hillary Cuck. “Questions like, ‘where will Donald get undocumented Polish Immigrants to work for him?’, ‘Where will our expensive, handmade toupees come from?’ and, mostly importantly, ‘Who will cut our lawns, clean our pools and take up all the shitty jobs that no one wants?’”

However, supporters are standing by their man.

“He’s gonna be great,” said one man. “He has the brightest 22-year-old hot graduate minds informing his foreign policy, a rich history of making tough decisions – especially on season three of The Apprentice – and sound business acumen. Hell, his corporations have only declared bankruptcy like four times, tops, and he's written a bunch of business books that go all the way up until Chapter 11."

“Besides, it’s not like he’s naïve and wildly unqualified and would get totally walked over by cutthroat Chinese businessmen who would just retaliate punitive duties with their own tax increases and higher duties on Chinese products that America depends on, or get absolutely pawned by political animals like Vladimir Putin… right?”

Disclosure: the brilliant Chapter 11 joke isn't mine.

Critic slams ‘mustfall, pro-transformation movements

Various #(Something)MustFall and pro-transformation movements were issued a scathing indictment this morning, after an Area man and member of AfriForum blasted the group’s manifestos as “unnecessary and moot”.

52-year-old Johannes Botha, a passionate builder and online commenter, today slammed the groups in a brutal refutation, citing statistics that show that South African society is “transformed and representative of the demographics of the country”.

“We hear all these ridiculous claims being thrown around that our country, universities, society and the media still have issues of transformation that urgently need to be addressed, but it’s all lies,” he explained, finishing off his last beer and poking the coals of his braai. “But if you just look more closelier at the country, you’ll see I’m right.”

He explained at some length between glasses of Klipdrift.

“Just look at our universities – they are filled with black people! We look at the cleaners and gardeners and people who sweep up the halls and wipe up the vomit from when Johan junior has had a couple too many - and are they white? No! Just because these okes don’t have ludicrous, high-paying jobs from their dads doesn’t mean we can start to pretend they don’t dominate the economy.”

He continued his stunning dissertation, pausing only to check if 49-year-old domestic worker Thembiswa Mhlanga could hear him from the kitchen.

“It gets worse, just look at the townships and – Thembi?! THEMBI?! KAN JY VIR MY HOOR??? - sorry, just look at townships and prisons. These so-called academics and ‘critical thinkers who have studied this problem for many years and in great detail’ say that society is unequal – but blacks are represented more in society than oppressed whites, in places like jails or low-income housing zones. This kind of reverse racism is disgusting.”

“Then we need only look at employment statistics: if you’re a middle-class white person and you want to go work in a low-wage workhouse making Nike shoes and export trinkets for 17 hours a day, guess how much of a chance you have? We need to start admitting that there are just some places where black people have an unfair advantage over us poor whiteys.”

Stopping momentarily to ensure the inter-leading glass door to the servant’s scullery was properly closed and locked, he went on.

“Then there’s the media – I mean come on, black people are in the news all the time! These ridiculous students complain that there is an absence of black voices and stories in the traditional and digital media, and then they get all picky and angry just because a lot of those stories are about crime and corruption?” he brilliantly noted, sotto voce. “Sometimes I look at the country and think that, hell, there’s so much transformations going on it’s laaike flippen’ Michael Bay is the president.”

He shook his head gravely and tutted.

“Me and all my friends – some of my best ones are black, you know? - agree: Nelson Mandinga is probably sitting in a retirement home in Kunu in abject shock at how his rainbow nation is filled with racist ignoramsuses who are completely out of touch with the history, current affairs and problems of our country. For shame!"

“Hands off our users’ data” say Apple, Google to FBI. “That’s ours!”

The FBI has been dealt a serious blow today, after Apple, Google, Twitter and Facebook banded together to take a stand against “anyone but us tampering with your private data and personal information.”

The union between these massive conglomerates and companies released a joint statement today, blasting the FBI’s desire to have a 'back door' into users' devices and saying that no government agency or outside entity that wasn’t a listed subsidiary of their parent organisations had the right to invade into users’ private spheres.

“We have to take a stand for what is right,” said the letter, which was co-signed by Jack Dorsey (CEO of Twitter), Mark Zuckerberg (Facebook), Sundar Pichai (CEO of Google) and Marissa Mayer who apparently still thinks Yahoo is a thing. “We can’t just let anyone who isn’t one of our technicians, marketing data analysts, stockholders or data miners tamper with or collect our user’s personal information and private data. That would be hugely unethical. “

“To let a company that isn’t us have a free back-door into your divide and personal data would simply be just wrong.”

The letter continued:

“The repercussions of giving organisations who aren’t us - and who didn’t legally bind you with that other document we published but you didn’t read (our user Terms and Condition) - unfettered access to your data is unimaginably dangerous,” it read. “If we let [the FBI] access our data, then they might mine it for demographic data, user trends and usage patterns to create billion-dollar ad-placement algorithms and targeted marketing.”

“Or even worse, they could find your deleted search history.”

Apple now says it would redouble its efforts to protect its devices and software.

“We would never let anyone ever interfere with your device without our permission,” they said. “It doesn’t matter if it’s the FBI or a phone repairman fixing your screen of home button in a country without registered Apple repairmen. We would rather totally lock anyone – even legitimate users – out of their devices forever and render them completely unusable forcing you to buy another one than see your private information fall into the hands of someone who isn’t a registered subsidiary of Apple, Inc.”

The united companies were resilient in their defiance.

“We would never give any outside government organisation your personal data,” they said. “Well, except maybe for PRISM and the National Security Agency. But no one else, scout’s honour, cross our hearts!”

However, the FBI has since backed off from its demands, saying it realises “if we got into your phones and Facebook feeds we’d have to sift through all your incredibly boring drivel on social media only to find out you’re not a crazed ISIS cell member.”

However, user reactions have been mixed.

“It’s outrageous!” said one Apple user, Amabaya Nufone. “I have lots of top-secret, sensitive information on my phone. If all those SMSes to my mom, those funny memes my friends sent me over Whatsapp, or my browsing history were to get into the hands of the FBI, who knows what awful things they would do it?”

“I think the FBI are right: we should support them and hand over all our personal information,” said another. “If the cost of protecting our hard-won freedom and democracy is just sacrificing a couple of freedoms and democratic rights, then that’s a price we should all pay gladly. “

“I shudder to think of the future if things continue like this. We could soon be living in an extremist state where you have no privacy or rights and your every movement is scrutinised by fundamentalists dedicated to their particular beliefs – and that's just the government. I haven’t even mentioned what ISIS might do!”

Heartbreak "a billion-dollar industry" - Financial Experts

Has your significant other just abandoned you and utterly shattered your belief in love? Well don’t worry, because you could be giving the economy a much-needed boost, say researchers at the Institute for Market Studies.

Yes, according to scientists at the IMS, having your bitch ex-girlfriend leave you for that douche Bradley and then post all those goddamn ‘#love’ selfies that clutter your feed every waking minute making you realise that love is just a lie our parents rub into us to deal with the howling loneliness that is life might be better than you’d think.

“On the surface, having my ex-wife pack my kids into my car and empty our joint bank account before running off to Spain with the dentist she’s been banging for the last three years seems awful,” said chief researcher for the IMS Ivana Kilmisylf. “But actually, when we look at things like Taylor Swift CD sales, exorbitant legal fees stemming from months-long acrimonious divorce cases, and the massive surge in sales of chocolate, alcohol and high-grade antidepressants, it’s much better for the economy than you’d think.”

Heartbreak is now the fourth most profitable human quality, just after love, fearful paranoia, and hatred.

Pictured: artist's depiction of a burgeoning, health economy

”Just think about it,” he added. “Every time someone buys a needlessly expensive gym membership, fancy clothes or a new haircut to try and recover some shred of self-worth from the harrowing loss of their lover, that’s money flowing into the economy.”

And when you factor in sales of double-choc-nut-fudge ice cream, junk ‘comfort’ foods, terrible romantic-comedy DVDs, and all those stupid impulse credit card purchases you made on Amazon to trick yourself into something vaguely resembling happiness, financial experts say heartbreak could potentially equal love as a GDP booster.

“Sure, it might not be anywhere near the global-economy-steroid market-leaders such as hatred, war, fear, and albums by the irritating boybands,” said Financial Times editor Helen Erth, “but, when you think of all the pointless crap you buy after your boyfriend dumps you and makes out with that skank Mandy right in front of you at your favourite nightclub, then we can easily see how heartbreak is pound-for-pound an equally important contender as happiness, joy or love are.”

"In fact, each photo of that piece of shit and his new whore holding hands or kissing with the goddamn sunset in the background could potentially be worth thousands of dollars,' she added. "I know for sure that it's worth exactly the price of a semi-automatic handgun."

And it’s something economists hope will never change.

“You know, sometimes I imagine a world free of suffering - a world of perfect love and harmony, a world where human beings never go through the stresses and trauma of a troubled relationship, and I shudder,” said Erth. “Christ, can you imagine the fiscal losses we’d have to report?”

University celebrates Internationalism, Multiculturalism with diverse array of stereotypes

Saying they wanted to celebrate the rich and varied heritages of their students both local and international, lecturers and staff at an area University this week celebrated the diverse and fascinating heritages of their campus using a wide and colourful range of stereotypes and cultural oversimplifications.

“We all know that national identities are at their core monolithic and static entities,” said event organiser Carrie Kature, “so what better way to celebrate our wide and diverse collection of peoples, cultural heritages and traditional backgrounds than through a series of reductive representations of complex cultures, such as cliché meals, national dresses out of a 50’s NatGeo mag, and flags?”

And students could not be happier.

“Itsa true-a! They’ra a-celebrayting-a la diversity!” said Italian exchange student and third-year Guido Linguini, working his way through a bowl of pasta while kissing his fingertips. “Eetza so grayta!”

Other students agree.

“Zis ‘is ze faanest way to zelebrate ze rish culture of ma favorit quantree, le France!,” said French postgraduate student Ommelay Du Fromage, munching a croquet-monsiquer and tilting his beret. “I weesh zat all ze kantreez kud zelebrate la culture comme ca!”

The University is already hard at work preparing for its next celebration, South Africa’s heritage day.

We’re really looking forward to Heritage Day,” said the Uni. "So we can celebrate our country's turbulent history and wide array of tribes and peoples by charring some fillet and vors."

USA celebrates 47-year anniversary of faking Moon Landing

It’s another giant leap for mankind today, after the National Aeronautical and Space Agency (NASA) and the United States government celebrated its 47th anniversary of the great Moon Landing Hoax of July 1969.

The elaborate hoax (which was filmed in a Hollywood basement and duped millions of viewers on “live” television) involved meticulous planning and required the silencing of hundreds of thousands of key witnesses and involved parties for nearly 50 years. Even today, it has still got all but ‘a few enlightened geniuses in camper trailers across the globe’ totally fooled.

“It’s incredible,” said then project manager for the intricate cinematographic con, Philemon Greenscreen. “Still to this day, millions of people actually believe we went and landed on the moon. You can’t imagine the amount of work it has taken to keep them all in the dark.”

Greenscreen explained the unfathomable complexities of the massive cover-up.

"We had to train thousands of staff and engineers to make plausible rockets and equipment that we tested in front of crowds of thousands of paid actors."

“Since then, we’ve had to keep hundreds of thousands of scientists, tech developers, researchers, politicians, journalists and employees of the state – who were all involved in the moon landing projects – silent on the whole thing,” he explained. “Then there’s the arduous task of keeping all of our trained actors to one script whose details never change even once over several decades. It’s been hard work.”

The difficulty of their work has lead Greenscreen and many other NASA frauds to reflect on their tireless efforts.

“It’s was tough, but we did it,” said camera operator and the genius behind the fake ‘hammer and feather’ scene, Sian Sfukushun. “And we’re lucky, too: you’d think that by now one of the countless state enemies that we’ve had since the Big Fake of ’69 would blown the lid off this whole thing with irrefutable leaked evidence that we threw it all together with Spielberg in a NASA basement.”

“Sometimes I think of the billions of dollars we spent on space travel and the existing technological advancements alongside plausible, tried-and-tested science that was widely available at the time, and it makes me wonder,” she said.

“With Yuri Gagarin and the incremental improvements to space-travel made in the Apollo missions, it probably would have just been cheaper and simpler just to actually go to the Moon.”

GIF-packed clickbait trumps One Direction listicle to cinch Pulitzer Prize

The literary world has been left speechless, stunned, blown away, and had their lives changed forever this morning, after a gif-heavy clickbait article about cats narrowly beat its closest competitor - a One Direction listicle outlining 15 reasons Harry is the Perfectest Member of 1D - to win the Pulitzer Prize for Literary Excellence.

The Award Selection committee – who conferred the prize to the article’s author, 23-year-old blogger James Ericson, a wordsmith matched only by Matt Stopera and Benny Johnson when it comes to literary genius – now says that it’s about time the world’s most prestigious literary award reflected the state of modern literature.

“The times are changing, and we believe the Pulitzer Prize should reflect that,” said Award Selection Committee member Ash Hitpost. “It’s about time this globally revered prize echoed our world’s deepest hopes, terrible sorrows, and inability to read anything more than 140 characters long.”

Hitpost holds fast that – much like the wide body of unconventional literature that has won a Pulitzer before this – modern works of art can be misunderstood.

“These so-called ‘cynical, demographically-targeted ad-revenue-hungry GIF-laden list articles with misleading titles’ get such a bad rap,” she explained. “But which Pulitzer Prize didn’t? Did society wholeheartedly accept Allen Drury’s works outlining the difficult world of politics and homosexuality in Advise and Consent? Was there not fervent outcry around the coprophilia of Thomas Pynchon's controversial Gravity's Rainbow?”

“Clickbait has the power to move us,” she continued. “Who could ever forget the first time they read ’27 times Friends was the most flawless show of all time’? How could anyone not cherish those early childhood memories of reading ’21 Pictures of Emma Watson that will blow you away and leave you breathless’? Who doesn’t hold close to their heart the first moment they shared ’12 facts about Harry Potter that will totally blow your mind’ - especially after you got to number 6, which totally left us stunned?”

“And the best part is, the authors didn’t have to live a drug-addled, depressed hand-to-mouth existence in a dead-end job buried deep inside the clutches of an oppressive and prejudiced society to craft these colossal artefacts of definitive importance,” she said. “Hell, writers today barely even have to look past the front page of Reddit to find the inspiration for their masterpieces.”

The selection committee applauded Ericson’s magnum opus, lavishing it with praise at the awards ceremony in Geneva.

“When we read this timeless exposé into the human condition, we were blown away,” read the award motivation. “We were left speechless. We were shocked. Number 7 had us in tears. Ericson has reached that apogee of literary greatness: he is the Hemingway of snappy bullet points, the Gordimer of Cat gifs, the Proust of content appropriation. We are humble to hold this fragment of a genius’s soul up and say that it has finally arrived: The Great American Listicle.”

And fans could not agree more.

“Thumbs up, fireworks emoji, smiley, winking smiley, crazy-grin smiley,” said 21-year-old Tiffany Megan-Amber. “Tongue-out smiley, heart, heart, 100-exclamation-underlined.”

“Fuck you Mugabe” wins landslide Zim election victory

Zimbabwean elections have been thrown into uproar today, after president of 29 years Robert Gabriel Mugabe was soundly beaten in this year’s impromptu democratic presidential elections by none other than surprise candidate “Fuck You Mugabe”.

This unexpected election was held following riots and protests across the country this week.

The political party – of which very little is currently known – was reportedly a last-minute addition to the political candidature register. According to the Zimbabwean Electoral Commission this burgeoning mystery power was scribbled into the margins of over 5.6 million voting slips, neatly beating the three-decade ZANU-PF incumbent.

“When we opened the boxes, we were astounded by what we found,” said Chief Operations Officer of the ZEC, Riginya Vhoats. “Of the some 11 million votes that were cast this year, over 50% of those were cast in favour of this new secret candidate. Clearly there is something special in the ‘Fuck You Mugabe’ manifesto that resounds strongly in the hearts and minds of a majority of Zimbabweans.”

However the FYM party was not the only one to surpass ZANU’s votes.

“Yes, the FYM’s achievement is commendable, but what really surprised us was the number of smaller minority parties that took their share of the votes,” said Vhoats. “For example, who could have guessed that close runner-up ‘Die You Old Bastard’ would scrape past ZANU into second place, or that the determined independent party ‘Stop Killing Us We Are Starving And Poor’ would cinch an easy bronze? The fact that we have such unpredictable results just goes to show that democracy is well and truly alive in the glorious nation of Zimbabwe.”

ZANU PF placed fifth overall, sliding into this low position just below another modern candidate, 'You Have Betrayed Us All, Go To Hell."

When asked how Morgan Tsvangirai’s Movement for Democratic Change (MDC) party placed, he laughed.

“We didn’t count those things,” he said, “as per the rites and rituals of our Zimbabwean traditions that go back nearly two decades.”

However, the majority political power has already contested the count and demanded a full investigation.

”The idea that someone beat Mugabe is absurd,” said ZANU-PF chief whip Arthur Oterian. “We asked the opposition if they rigged the vote and they said ‘No’ – but how can you possibly win an election without rigging it?”

Citizens, on the other hand, are happy with the results.

"This party and its mantra has resounded on social media, in private conversations, and in correspondence with those who send us money from the diaspora so that we don't starve to death," said Mbare Musika resident Ayava Hadnuff. "It seems almost everyday that someone is saying 'Fuck You Mugabe' this and 'Fuck you Mugabe' that. 'Fuck you Mugabe' is clearly a party that speaks to our hearts and lives, and perfectly describes the future we all want."

However, the took time to recognise the acheivements of the ancien regime.

"He made us lots of promises, and he lived up to them," said Hadnuff humbly. "Like how Zim would never become a colony ever again. That's true. I mean, technically it's more of an authoritarian oligarchy, or a nepotistic dictatorship. And he did so much for race relations here. He hates black people who oppose him just as much as he hates white people. He gave us a truly equal state, where you could be beaten to death regardless of your skin colour. Now that's progress."

ZEC officials now say that a second round of run-off elections could be held as early as July – a prospect that pleases ZANU heads.

”Now a run-off election is something we know how to win,” said Oterian. “We’re confident that we’ll be back at our desks and offices in August, working hard once more to pioneer the next fuck-up for South African politicians to copy and reproduce in SA.”

Picture of Mugabe from Wikipedia by the United States Air Force (Creative Commons)

“Of course I’ll work for free” says no person ever

Shock and awe this morning, after literally no one in human history came to you today and agreed that they would work for utterly no pay whatsoever.

The man – 26-year-old Jake Henderson, whose name and age we made up because he is purely fictitious – made the startling announcement this morning, saying he’d do that thing you want him to spend several dozen hours this weekend doing for you without being fairly compensated.

“Of course I’ll do it for no money,” he said taking time out of his busy schedule being a nonentity to speak to reporters. “DJ-ing at your birthday this Friday, playing guitar at your club event on Saturday, or even coming up to your wedding to take photographs, edit them, and then email them all to you – I’ll do all of this, and you don’t even have to give me a dime.”

“I know it takes hours of my time to design a website entirely from scratch, and that this is a skill that has taken years of study, practice, and hundreds of dollars’ worth in software, tuition and time to master, but you don’t have to pay me,” he continued in a statement that does not exist because you’d be crazy to write it. “I’m pretty sure my landlord and the bank accept the exposure I’ll get from doing this as legal tender for paying rent or my various living expenses.”

And Jake is just one of thousands of people who are not alive, and never have been, who share this controversial opinion.

“Jake’s totally right,” said Eric Smith, who, even if you were to look through the annals of human history, delving into even the most ancient records of our species, you would not locate because he has never existed and never will. “It’s like I said to my boss the other day: of course I’ll come in this weekend and at 7am on Sunday and not claim overtime from you.”

And scientists now say research shows that this is merely the tip of the iceberg.

“You think people would say, ‘what the hell, what kind of idiot would ask me to come in this Saturday when I clearly asked for this weekend off three weeks ago?’ or, ‘no ways, I’m not doing that shit for free – at least respect me enough to pay for my transport to the venue halfway across goddamn town’,” said head researcher for the Institute of Shit No One Says, Thomas Everson. “But our research indicates that of course I don’t mind if you went to the fridge and drank the last of my milk without asking, and that it’s totally okay if you borrowed my car without my permission and then didn’t clean up the burger crumbs or even contribute towards petrol costs.”

This study also suggests that yeah man, go ahead, change the channel right in the middle of whatever I’m watching, I don’t mind.

“It might sound like we’re living in a crazy world,” said Everson, “but you know what, if we agree to split the bill equally at a restaurant, you don’t have to feel guilty about ordering the $17 spare rib special, or even throw in a tip for the waitress.”

Conclusive link found between football and brain damage

The sporting world has been dealt a scathing blow today, after scientists discovered a definite and causal link between violent contact sports – such as rugby and American football – and lasting brain damage.

The team of researchers say that long-term exposure to these high-impact sports causes debilitating neurological disorders – and that’s just the fans.

Doctors now fear what this could mean for the actual players.

”Despite all the naysaying, suppression of evidence, and silencing of testimony from the NFL, we can finally draw a link between this vicious sport and the cognitive retardation of those exposed to it,” said senior researcher for the Institute of Neurological Disorders, Allie Lebleu. “Our research now suggests that it can only be worse if you actually play the sport itself.”

Lebleu outlined their important and controversial work.

”We took a careful look at these sports, and found they mostly comprise moaning, semi-literate, partially educated males, often from backgrounds with little to no mental stimulation or exposure to worldly ideas or books. Our findings show that these men grow up in an ultra-violent, hyper-masculine environment that teaches them to love these games religiously and physically harm other groups of men all in the name of some meaningless trinkets or trophies,” she said.

“And we haven’t even started looking at the players yet,” she added. “God, I’m terrified what we may discover.”

However, despite the damning report, sporting officials from across the world have scorned the shocking discoveries.

“We’re sure that, with the right evidence picked from the heaps of studies, and the right doctors given the right resources by us, we’ll find a way to explain away these fears,” said spokesperson for the National Football League, Dee Menshia. “There is absolutely no reason to panic and pay attention to these reports – not unless you’re one of our legal representatives.”

And players agree, standing by their parent organisations’ rebuttals.

“Daaaaaaaw fooowsbawl is safe, daaa. Not danger me. Me safe. Me smart,” said 27-year-old Patriots Linebacker, Connor Cushen, holding up a crayon drawing of his happy team and smiling coach as proof. “I hit good coach say. Make bally ball go fly fly win score get shiney neck medal.”

However, the contradicting sides have fans confused.

“I’m not 100%, but I really think there has to be a link between football and being monumentally stupid,” said one New Zealand supporter. “Just look at Adam Sandler: he starred in Water Boy and now he is a drooling and incomprehensible developmentally challenged imbecile. Holy shit, have you seen the sequel, Grown Ups 2?! What more proof do you need?”