Rhodes publishes new student cookbook

pic: Heroic Beer, Flickr

Students across South Africa are rejoicing after announcements by Rhodes University to publish a new cookbook aimed at catering to the lack of money, meal standards and real culinary skill that resounds in 18 - 25 year-olds.

The book, which is to be made available at the only monopoly of a bookstore in all of Grahamstown Schan Vaik's later this week, will cover not only the basics of student cookery, such as how to properly order a pie at BP when you're trashed, how to correctly open and heat a tin of beans, or set your toaster to the right setting, but will also introduce students to the more difficult aspects of cooking, including knowing when a swig is one too many, how to make sure you rotate between digsmates' cereal boxes, and how to reuse a dirty pan instead of washing up anything in the growing mountain of crockery and cookware piling up in the disease-festering hellhole you call a sink.

Studies show that using someone else's milk can
improve flavour by up to 38%.
pic:Bitch Cakes, Flickr

"This book is just perfect for all students who are just too lazy to go and buy their own goddamn bottle of milk at Pick n' Pay," said the book's author Rumaj Inthafrige. "Even if you just sneak a handful of friend's Rice Krispies every now and then, or maybe even just a slice of bread and a finger or two of their peanut butter, there's something for everyone in its pages."

The book includes many healthy and wallet-saving meals, for example the Sneaky Oat Bowl Breakfast. Take a cup or so of your digsmate's oats, microwave it to perfection and then add a splash of your other digsmate's milk. If you're feeling particularly brave, be sure to enjoy a fast swig of his orange juice.

Students can learn much from its pages, including proper meal preparation. "For example, before preparing any meal, it is always important that you check which of your digsmates are home," said Inthafrige. "So that you don't get seen 'accidentally' browsing their cupboards."

Many nutritional experts have praised the book, citing its scientific accuracy and large, colourful picture-based recipes that accommodate even the most inept BCom student.

"Studies have shown that not only is taking someone else's food a more cost-effective way of preparing easy, quick meals," said Rhodes dietology expert Noah Moorekarbs, "but that the food itself will also taste better, flavoured by the satisfying and salty tang of smug guilt that comes with being a sneaky dick."

The book also contains a section of handy excuses for those who get caught red-handed (seen in the section, "How To Argue That You Thought Your Milk Was The One With The Red Label" and "No, This Is My Beer, I'm Positive, Bro") as well as methods to avoid detection completely. 

"You can buy, or even dig through a bin to find, an empty oats box or milk bottle and just keep it in plain sight so that you can point at it and say something like, 'Oh no, I've got my own, why would I use yours?'," said Inthafrige. "Or, if push comes to shove, you can always point the first finger. Many students find it extremely beneficial to say something like, 'okes, who keeps drinking my fucking milk? It was all the way above the label, and now it's, like, half empty. Come on!' This way, they can move blame away from themselves and at the same time look caring, respectable and righteously angry, instead of the low-life cheapskate milkswigging motherfucker they really are."

The author has since announced plans to follow up with an Instagram- and Twitter-friendly version of the book, so that students correctly learn the art of uploading multiple shots of their cup of morning coffee. 

"Let's be serious," said Inthafrige. "It isn't good coffee until everyone you know has seen a picture of it. And liked that shit."

'Porn Not Horn' campaign launches

Dealers in traditional Asian aphrodisiacs are going to face much 'stiff' competition this year, with the upcoming launch of the Department of Wildlife and Conservation's Porn Not Horn anti-poaching initiative.

The campaign intends to airlift large crates of hardcore pornography into porn-impoverished areas of China, Malaysia and the rest of East Asia.

According to Jai. N. Tiirekshun, founder of the controversial campaign, the idea first came when he was thinking about porn, which was all the time between the ages of 13 and 33. However, he would only take the first steps to this project many years later on a trip to China.

"I was thinking about how porn just gets you going, you know? But when I went to Beijing and all the porn they have is this shitty 80's stuff where you can barely see any boob."

The situation is aggravated by an overly restrictive internet content filtration system. According to Tiirekshun, some of the best pornography on the market is automatically filtered out and banned by the Chinese state internet controls, which ban sites based on key words.

"The best films, like Tibetan Monk Sluts 5, Democracy Vixens 9 and Human Rights Attrocities in China Whores 3 are all banned when people look for them online because of unexpected and entirely coincidental links to serious world issues," he said. "No wonder they've taken to sniffing descicated animal hair, the poor bastards."

The campaign is not however, backed by any adult filmstars yet, although Tiirekshun says they've got initial requests from Anne Hathaway.

"She gets paid a lot to show her boobs now and then and acts terribly , so it's pretty much the same thing."

The campaign has come just in time, as alternative suggestions have become increasingly more troubling. One campaign has included giving the rhinos ground-up Asian child bone to help them reach sexual maturity more quickly.

Scientists have been astounded by the project's scientific basis, saying that in a lengthy private study conducted with the door locked and soft music playing on their laptops, there was a 98% boner success rate.

"It's incredible," said Head of Biochemistry at Bellend University Tay Kinapluk. "If you want to perform, I can't recommend anything better."

The campaign has so far recieved enormous US State support, citing its potential communism-ending potential.

"Chinese leaders are just super-stressed right now," said Secretary of State Noah Fucault. "If they just took some alone time, we're pretty confident that this whole Tibet thing would sort itself out."

SRC election to be decided in dance-off

In a sudden turn of events this morning the Rhodes Student Representative Council shocked the sometimes-voting student body by announcing that the usual ballot-style democratic elections for SRC portfolios would be dropped in favour of a "kiff dance competition."

According to incumbent SRC President Officer Raak Datbadhi, the move comes in hopes that "all those okes who watch Idols and Big Brother will get interested."


 
"We've seen in past Idols seasons that sometimes so many people vote that they get two winners at the end of the day," said Datbadhi. "We think that the possibility of accidentally having two presidents will be great."

The new electoral process started off with a surprising video released this weekend, in which the SRC showed off their preliminary dance moves in hopes to win a strong starting sentiment with the voting public. The video contains none of that usual democratic election crap, such as names, portfolio aims and goals, candidate manifesto, previous leadership credentials or current campaign mandate, and instead focuses on their skills on the dancefloor.

"Basically all the important stuff," said Datbadhi.

And according to Head of DanceSport and now expert in Student Politics Megan Bohlroom, this is a great way for students to pick out the right candidate.

"They all have a pretty similar, too-long marching intro, which makes it difficult to single one true leader out," said Bohlroom. "However, the spin, twist and pose of the Projects candidate shows that she is a truly gifted, natural-born leader with the kinds of skills that will really serve in the non-dance related side of the SRC's workload."

Other candidates also show promise. 

"The tall white president dude might seem a little stiff and forced at first, but it's in that final little squat that he really shows his natural gift for leading the student body."

Other candidates, however, might suffer a stunted start.

"The 'machine-gun' move of the Oppidan Councilor might be a little too politically aligned to the ANC and 'Umshini Wami' to win over students, and the fact that some of the candidates aren't wearing overalls or purple shows that they actually don't give two flying shits about students and their needs," said Bohlroom.

However, many students remain unconvinced at the show, saying that the obvious lack of Autumn Harvest in the video means that the clip is not a valid indication of their real dance potential and thus their leadership capabilities.

"I'm somewhere between Sheldon Cooper and an IS major when it comes to dancing," said second-year BFA student Ackjulie Tahlented. "But err'body knows that when i've got ma drink own, I'm half Beyonce, half Rihanna. I'm Rihyonce, biaatch!"

Students can vote over the course of the next week, during which candidates will be staging dance-offs every lunchtime at the Kaif, with surprise choreographed flash mobs at Dining Halls to be announced this week.

Water discovered in gtown pipes

Forensic experts specialising in the detection of trace elements have found striking new evidence that suggests water might have once flown through the pipes of Grahamstown.


In a breathtaking new report published in all leading South African scientific journals this morning, the team from the Rhodes University Department of Nanotech Quanititative Analysis say that the decades-old pipes that lie under Gtown's busy streets may have once had water running through them.

"In a systematic study of the toxic sludge and strange substances that might once have been a polar solvent in our pipes, we discovered traces of what could have been running, clear, drinkable water," said the chief data analyst Rhee Dzepaiges. "Well, not that drinkable, but yeah, if you were too lazy to go to the spring you could probably drink it."

Grahamstown's pipeline network was first installed in 1923, but it was only recently that they were finally renovated to fulfill their original purpose of transporting air and large quantities of nothing around the town.

"Engineers back then were worried that there wasn't enough air and nothing flowing into each house," said Head of the Rhodes History Department Ayn Chentbhooks. "In June of that year, they completed their project, and every tap had large amounts of nothing and air flooding out their taps and supply outlets."

However, in 1936 the pipeline was accidentally flooded with water, thus kicking off the first of the "Water Outrage Crisis" protests. "

It was utter chaos," said Chentbhooks. "Just think: water, flowing freely and coolly out of every tap and into every toilet. How grim."

Protesters reportedly lined the streets carrying inspiring anti-H20 signs such as "water we going to do?" and "this blows, it H(as) 2 (g)0."

"Some of these signs' puns took up to three days to think of," said Chentbhooks.


Then, in 1989, the Municipality introduced a new dual purpose to the pipeline: transporting a low-grade chemical poison to each house.

"The benefits and uses of this heavy-metal-enriched solvent was immediately evident," said Chentbhooks. "People used it for all kinds of daily activities, such as bathing, brushing their teeth, and synthesising cheap Mercury and Aluminium compounds in the comfort of their homes."

The scientific report has stunned the people of Grahamstown.

"Every time I open one of the taps in my house and try to imagine water coming out of it, it just boggles my mind. Impossible!" said local resident and Mercury salesman John Manders.

"I just don't get it," said long-time resident and bartender Noah Hunderayteen. "Where did all those people get their daily heavy metal supplement from?"

Now all that is left is for the Rhodes team to date when this water might have once run - a process that is proving challenging.

"The water record, as we're calling it, comes and goes. It appears and disappears sporadically as we look at the pipes. However, initial radiometric dating have suggested that there may have been water many millions of years ago in this age, perhaps in the pleolitithic era," said head of carboradiometry. "But then again, some evidence suggest that the water might have been in the pipes until as recently as three weeks ago. We just don't know."

In related news, Makana Municipality has sent out a statement asking all residents to remember that the rates charged for the maintenance of their underground oxygen pipes is to go up at the end of the month.

"We're also thinking of upping the costs for our extensive darkness network, which runs into each home and ensures that families can enjoy the quiet bliss of utter darkness at least once a month."

RU left reeling after student votes

Rhodes University has been left reeling in a state of brain-dead shock after a student reportedly voted for an SRC candidate.

Apathy has, in recent years, even become a political
tool. Why?
Who cares?

The vote, which happened sometime this morning between 7am and midday, has left student politics analysts dumbfounded and SRC Councillors flumoxed.

"We just don't know what to do," said Media Councillor Gray Tposta. "I mean, we've never seen this kind of behaviour before. Why would a Rhodes student do this?"

Many fingers have been pointed as to the cause of this behaviour, including the recent price increase of a CrackBomb. "That's the only thing that could possibly describe this level of level-headed non-apathy," said Tposta.

The SRC office has since degraded into a crazed frenzy, amidst fears that they might actually reach Quorum this year. "What if we do?" screamed Elections Officer Stoh Lenbalots. "That's never happened before!"

According to sources in the SRC, the elections run every year are just for show purposes. Plans to instead host annual poster design competitions are being considered as a viable replacement in future.

Some poster creators reportedly took over
13 hours of brainstorming to come up
with their award-winning wordplay.

"Having to vote in your leaders was all the rage in post-1994 South Africa with democracy and stuff, but over the years it's become more fashionable to be stuck with uninformed shit-for-brains idiots as your representatives," said political analyst Pritchard Richhouse. "This tendency has crept into Rhodes, but we're constitutionally bound to make it look like people are actually thinking about these votes and choosing the best person for the job."

This year's election has been the most convincing yet, with over 16 fake posters stuck up all over campus. 

However, many believe that the vote could have been a total mistake. 

"Students living in digs - Oppidan students, that is - are automatically registered and enrolled into this election, which is a course on our online student service," said systems analyst and the guy who keeps your connection to pornographic websites running Guy Holdings. Holdings believes that they saw the pictures of the election candidates and mistook it for a "who would you rather bang?" application. They took one look at the tall white guy who did that 'Umlungu' shit last year and were like, 'ya, defos babe.'"

Holdings and his team of 'net specialists have reportedly tracked down the offending voter, and have cut their internet.

"The internet is no place for such a character," he said. "The girl who cast the vote didn't even leave a racist comment afterwards. Sies."

Since the ordeal, professional counselors from the RU Wellness Centre have come forward to calm down the SRC and assuage their fears.

"It was a once-off," said practicing psychologist Sy Khohanalysis. "We're confident that everyone else won't give a fuck about the election and just watch series or something instead."

However, the SRC is taking no chances, and have since uploaded the latest episode of Suits season 3 onto all university webpages and laboratory computers.

"For over thirty years we've held this strong and proud tradition," said Tposta, "and we're not letting some... some... responsible person ruin it for us."

Students have until the end of the week to ignore all emails asking you to vote, after which there will be more elections. God help us.