Historic protest “actually pretty damn boring”, says protester

Pic by M de Klerk

Disappointment abounds today, after protesters – who turned out in their hundreds expecting to face tear gas, stun grenades and the terrifying history of brutality of the South African Police Service – realised that historic, nation-changing protests are far more peaceful and boring than their media feeds make them seem.

“What’s even the damn point in being here?” said embittered protester Molly Tov, altering her placard to read ‘Ban stun grenades – but come on, just use one so I can see what it’s all about’.

“I’ve seen dozens of hours of video of flashbang grenades, chemical watercannons that drive you crazy with itching, and rubber bullets; I’ve read countless articles outlining the ceaseless street violence, racial tensions, and rampant vandalism. Where is all this stuff? All I've seen today is just a peaceful protest demanding a long-overdue, positive change for the future. I mean, WTF is this kak?”

Protests mill around awkwardly waiting for the first
stun grenade to be thrown like in their
Twitter feeds.
Pic: M de Klerk

Other protesters have agreed.

“A few days ago I was so excited to do my bit: you know, stand against the exploitative capitalist system, maybe march a bit, not have to hand in my Economics essay that’s due later today,” said post-graduate Economics student Reeva Lution. “I turned on the news on TV and all I saw was endless replayed footage and in-studio analysts saying ‘blerrie students looting and destroying campus and spraying blerrie graffiti everywhere’. And then I get here and all it is boring hours of standing peacefully by barricades, turning cars away, calmly explaining our agenda to passers-by. I didn’t even get beaten to a pulp or wrongfully arrested. What kind of protest is this?”

However, some students say they might know the reason for such counter-intuitive events.

“I’m busy dusting off my application for NMMU and UCT,” said second-year Anthropology student, Emma Pee. “That way I can get a decent education AND have better struggle credentials from taking a smoke grenade to the back of the head.”

Whatever the controversy, all protesters can agree that the protest action shows how South Africa is transforming into an enviable nation of peace and progress.

“Let’s just think about what we’ve accomplished this week: the SAPS didn’t murder hundreds of civilians, Blade Nzimande actually fucking did something for a change, and students realised that people protesting to make their fees cheaper isn’t something they should bitch about on Twitter,” said the MIPMustFall movement in a statement this morning.

"Now we just have to get our protest movement to focus on the things that truly hurt and disadvantage all university students: Tuesday's Braised Club Steak in the Dining Hall. That shit needs to fall, ASAP.

Racist universities must fall, says third-year protester with late assignments

Defiant and committed: young Jason Eames is taking a stand
against racist universities and their oppressive
hand-in schedules.

Citing the gross injustices meted out against his fellow students, exorbitant university price hikes that will make it increasingly difficult for financially unstable students to afford study, and that economics tutorial assignment that he just didn’t have time to finish last weekend, a student protester has taken a defiant stance against “racist, oppressive universities”.

The brave and defiant young Jason Eames, who also didn’t finish his Accounting 3 term essay that is due at 4pm this afternoon, said that extreme actions such as tyre burning and blockading roads were entirely necessary “to raise awareness and get the university’s attention and also maybe an extension”.

“This isn’t about you or me or even that tut assignment on fiscal policy that we had to hand in at 8am this morning – this is about equality,” said Eames at a press conference at the pool. “We have to do what needs to be done: shut down the university. If we do nothing now, then what will our children say to us ten years’ time, or my economics tutor on Thursday morning when I pitch up and haven’t done any of the prepared readings or written responses?”

He went on to add that “Jesus, but I’m hanging hard” and that “no ways I’m flippen going to lectures today”.

And despite widespread anger and frustration at the night-long protest and disruptive protest action, student political analysts say the timing of the protest could not be better.

“Yes, there is a planned price hike for next year,” said politics editor for campus newspaper Actstoolate, Jeremy Poltoo, “but also my ComSci prac exam is in two weeks and I’m basically fucked. If this screws up test schedules and shifts SWOT week a couple of days, then it will all have been worth it. When we wake up in a more equal, just society where I don’t have to hand in that assignment I was never going to do anyway, will anyone of us care that we couldn’t sleep all night?”

Vocal critics of the protest must, says Polltoo, remember that this protest is aimed at helping all students.

“Some might say that I’m hijacking an important national debate for my own selfish agenda, or that I’m bandwagoning on others’ difficulties and struggles,” he said. “But to those idiots I say ‘you’re ignorant, you haven’t done your readings’. I mean, neither have I, but basically you should be thanking me for giving us a day or three to catch up.”

And students are showing their support.

“I think it’s great,” said Jessica Wyt-Teers. “It’s nice to see so much free parking space on campus for once; and having another Facebook topic that will quickly devolve into race-based mud-slinging is always a plus."

Others, however, are not so supportive.

”This whole thing is bloody ridiculous,” said one second-year. “These guys kept me awake all night, brought the university to its knees and faced potentially dangerous riot police, and for what? Lowered university fees? More reasonable terms and payment options on the Minimum Initial Payment? A more affordable education? I mean, who the hell do these inconsiderate protester pricks think they are?”

School shooting not nearly serious enough to change law, society

The nation is underwhelmed this morning, after a minor mass shooting at a primary school – which left only a meagre 24 children and a mere 6 teachers dead – failed to be grave or shocking enough to inspire legislative and constitutional changes in the nation’s legal structure.

According to eyewitnesses, the shooting only lasted 43 minutes, and failed to claim the lives of anyone younger than the age of 12.

“When we think about the kinds of terror-inspiring, numbing horrors that we’ve encountered and seen plastered bloodily across our TV screens on an almost monthly basis, then clearly this tiny blimp on the mass murder radar just simply isn’t enough to inspire our politicians and countrymen to take the huge selfless leap necessary to create a better, safer society,” said political analyst and school shooting expert Loki Nlode. “If we want to have our country changed for the better, then I just hope the nation’s unstable psychopaths start upping their game, for example by at least taking out a preschool or something.”

Experts now believe that the shooting came in at just number 12 in the Top Shooting Spree Rankings of Q4 2015.

“This shooting, well, it might as well not even have been reported,” said chief investigator Chuu Tsukyl. “I mean, they didn’t even use a calibre bigger than .303, and the killer didn’t even have a racist or misogynistic manifesto that motivated his hate crime. Honestly, I’m not surprised that it was only front-page breaking news on just 34 international news services.”

And editors say it’s a justified choice.

“Right now, with the Syrian bombings and awful political situations unfolding in the Ukraine and Greece, we need something else that’s lighter and less serious on our screens to calm down anxious parents and voters - something like this comparative yawn-fest that utterly fails to shock or horrify our nation's leaders into action” said CNN senior news editor Thysys Justin. “So we’ll keep it blaring on the 24/7 breaking news or developing stories roll for a short while, at least until we run out of frightening stock footage of blaring sirens, flashing blue and red lights, armed policemen and weeping, shell-shocked parents.”

However, other news services don’t believe this will happen anytime soon.

“Seriously, we have thousands of hours of that kind of disturbing, bloodcurling imagery from just the last six months alone,” said political editor at the BBC, Gunther Kiddsdown. “We’ll probably just cut it off after 6 days of terrifying, around-the-clock bulletins.”

NASA pledges $100b program to find intelligent life on Earth

Citing the age-old adage that “you can’t run before you’ve learnt to crawl”, the National Aeronautical Space Agency has today announced their suspension of the multi-million dollar program to find intelligent life out in space - in favour of a multi-billion dollar program to first find intelligent life on Earth.

NASA, which first started their SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) wing in the 1980s, says that it’s about time we found sentient, thinking, smart beings on our slice of the solar system.

“We know it’s a needle-in-a-haystack operation,” said NASA’s chief coordinator for the global search program SEBI (Search for Earth-Based Intelligence), Rocky Tjips. “Given our long and mentally-undeveloped history of race-based hatred, purposeful environmental destruction, war, ethnic cleansing, the News24 comments section and One Direction being a thing that people actively enjoy, we realise that this task may even be more difficult than scanning the billions upon billions of stars for signs of intelligent life – but we’re up for the challenge.”

“After all,” he added, “how can we possibly start looking for intelligent life out there, if we haven’t even found any down here?”

Scientists now say that intelligent life could
theoretically exist on Earth.

And while some detractors argue that human beings do show isolated, tiny sparks of intellect, NASA holds firm that, given the circumstances, these claims are exaggerated at the least and statistical outliers at the most.

“Yeah, people do throw around names like ‘Einstein’ or ‘Hawkings’ or even ‘Newton’, but honestly, just weigh that up against the billions of morons these guys rub shoulders with,” rebuked Tjips. “Seriously, we used to think that the moon was a god, and that radium was a great pick-me up tonic and ingredient in makeup,” he stressed. “These guys were just huge statistical blips, outweighed by the multitudinous nincompoops who, say, think Fox News gives balanced reportage, or think that Ebola is a real threat to anyone visiting the Southern African regions.”

The search, says Tjips, is now on, and despite initial negative results, he says they’re confident they’ll find something soon.

“We’ve gone through the comment sections of most major websites, almost all of my Facebook feed, most Instagram accounts, and thousands of celebrity Twitter handles,” he said. “Sure, it’s a tiresome process of elimination, and yes, everything we’ve found just confirms our belief that human beings are primordial, cognitively underdeveloped scum, but eventually we’ll find something. I mean, it’s not like most people are so stupid it makes you blink and recoil from your screen, right? Right?”

Turning topic into race, gender issue “exactly what was needed”

True progress showed itself on Facebook today, after an innocent, inoffensive status was immediately turned into a racial and gender issue.

The post, which was a harmless joke about the Springbok’s match last weekend against New Zealand, only lasted 12 minutes before being skewed and twisted out of context and proportion to become an embittered flamewar about racism and sexism in the white-supremacist-capitalist patriarchy of televised sports culture. In just one day it attracted thousands of comments and arguments from incensed online commenters.

The status’s author, Jake Hendersen, now says that he’s glad they’ve started a “conversation” around race and sexism.

“You know, when I posted my status I just wanted to poke fun at New Zealand friends about this weekend’s match and say ‘springboks r the best lol all blacks are so useless’, not knowing my awful spelling would cause a digital meltdown,” he told reporters this morning.

“But now that hundreds of people are typing out ALL-CAPS hate speech, racial slurs, ad hominem attacks and demands that the idiots on the opposing side go read a fucking book, I’m glad to see a ‘discussion’ has started. This is just the first step one a long, arduous journey to a future free of racism, gender-based hatred, and harmless humour.

The post, which now stands at 21 485 likes and 11 792 comments, has been called “just what we all needed” by Human Rights advocacy groups.

“This is how we change the world: by getting people coming together, talking, discussing, and calling each other 'total retards who haven’t even read a book in their damn lives',” said chief researcher for Rights For All, Nelson King Jr. “You know, a lot of people might say, ‘oh, Nelson, but completely misunderstanding and detracting from the simplistic comedic value of the original post and embroiling the entire internet in a foetid clusterfuck of ad hominem attacks and fallacious, shallow arguments littered with faulty logic or emotional jabs will just divide and separate us all,’ but that’s where they’re wrong,” he said.

“This is how true progress is made: by just putting everything on the table, showing our cards, and turning every internet user against each other in a horrible, embarrassing hate-thread that everyone tires of in just minutes.”

However, internet analysts now believe such a peace could be all too brief.

“People have the ability to overcome great barriers and create a better, more tolerant future of peace and prosperity devoid of casual humour,” said web expert Hilby Bloggin.

“But come on, this is the 21st century. How could there ever be lasting peace when every ten minutes we have something like Caitlyn Jenner or Cecil the Lion to hate each other over?”

White girl saves Africa

Haley Smith: part-time volunteer, Gender Studies graduate
and saviour of the biggest country on Earth

Famine, poverty, war and human rights abuses in Africa are no more, after stunning news has emerged that a 22-year-old white girl has singlehandedly saved the entire continent.

The American liberal arts graduate and volunteer worker, who is on her gap year between degrees and “wants to maybe work for the UN one day”, reportedly saved the struggling, war-torn and problem-riddled continent after just fourteen days of volunteer work at Uganda-based NGO aid group Helping Hand.

“Honestly, the news just blew us all away,” said the presidents of nearly 60 African countries in a joint statement. “It was just supposed to be a short-term stay at an organisation working with villagers living under the breadline and teaching English to Ugandan children, but after just a fortnight there Haley [Smith] managed to rescue the whole continent from the precipice of darkness and death.”

The presidents added that, while most volunteer stays like these merely address surface-level, minor problems in just one tiny part of a gigantic, multinational continent, Smith managed to enact the exact kinds of massive and sweeping cultural, societal, economic and legislative reforms necessary to fix not just the symptoms but also the causes of the myriad systematic and grave problems that dogged Africa.

“That she has succeeded where millions of hopeful, naïve young Westerns – even celebrities - have failed is just singularly remarkable,” they said. “And for that, we are deeply, deeply grateful.”

Since the momentous news, millions of Africans have poured out their heartfelt thanks and praise.

“Thank you so much, Haley,” said Democratic Republic of Congo citizen, Grace Ladumba, who no longer needs fear being murdered in a civil war caused in part by the external meddling of foreign interest groups thanks to young Smith’s tireless efforts to dig a well and play soccer with fly-covered five-year-olds. “You know, we see America in such turmoil because of the brutal, dictatorial police force there – perhaps we should return the favour and send some of our young adults to save your people?”

And despite this massive outpouring of appreciation, Smith remains humble.

“Really, it’s the people of the beautiful country of Africa that I should thank,” she said. “They have profoundly affected me for the rest of my life: I can safely say that, no matter where my future will take me, my Facebook profile picture will never be the same again.”

New diet induces rage, irritability in just three days

Scientists are in awe today, after dieticians revealed a brand new diet that produces deep anger, stress and irritability in record time.

The new diet, which is taking the world by storm, is revolutionary, far suppassing other competing food fads when it comes to turning human beings from normal, reasonable people into weight-obsessed, sleep-deprived, easily infuriated pricks.

Really, there’s nothing else like it,” said head doctor at the Centre for Food and Nutrition, Dr Jake Banting. “When it comes to creating a deep, burning hunger that eats all the way to the core of your being, slowly driving you into a dark, awful madness where every human being just pisses you off as soon as they open their faceholes, then no other diet is better.”

The simple juice diet – consisting of just a combination of lemon, chilli and fresh herbs - works quickly to help your body lose that unwanted extra contentment that you can just feel hanging on you.

“With just one sip of the stuff, you’ll feel immediate results,” said Banting. “That juice hits your belly, and you can almost instantly feel yourself become as bitter and sour as the very juice you’re drinking.”

However, some doctors have issued a caution to the public, saying that this crazy new diet may have some unintended side effects and results.

“Unfortunately, the juice diet does have the same negative, unwanted side-effects that all these diet plans have,” said chief researcher at the Medical Advisory Board, Selina Druggs, “such as minor weight loss and a tiny decrease in visible bodymass.”

Despite this, she says interested dieters shouldn’t be too worried.

“Some people might be scared that they’ll lose a few pounds on their journey to becoming a crabby bitch,” she said, “but really, the loss is so small it’s almost negligible.”

Hero teen saves school from disaster

Courageous jock prevents massive mass-shooting by befriending that fucking weird fedora-wearing dipstick Eugene Falentes.

Mourning and heaped praise echo across the halls of Metro bay High school today, after 17-year-old sports star, cafeteria jokester and all-round-beloved senior Chad Chaddings saved his peers from ‘unfathomable tragedy’ by befriending “that weirdo who would probably have slaughtered us all sometime in the next six months”.

Chaddings, who is being hailed as a “true icon of heroism”, bravely averted a mass shooting or serial knifings and suicide at the very least by making friends with the gigantic loser and showing him basic human decency.

Teachers and peers recalled Chaddings’s last moments with tears in their eyes.

“We all knew it had to happen, but we never knew he’d be so brave about it,” said the guy who gives Chad his Maths homework to copy after football practice. “He just walked right up to that mouth-breathing, bespectacled, braces-wearing creep and was like, ‘Hey, Eugene, you wanna hang out after school?’.”

Pictured: that fucking weird kid Eugene.
Goddamn nerd.

Chaddings’s friends say that he was staunch and unflinching in his sacrifice, even when Eugene said yes and excitedly started explaining the rules of that fucking weird boardgame he and those other friendless losers from Grade 11 like to play in their ‘Secret Clubhouse’ in his mom’s basement.

However, learners at the medium-sized high school say they knew this day was coming – that it was only a matter of time until someone had to befriend him.

“This day was inevitable, ever since he first asked Billy Erikson in first grade to trade Pokemon cards, and then asked him if he’d like some of this packed vegan soy-bean lunch, his place low, low down on the social ladder was cemented,” said the school’s History teacher Miss Evensen. “We all knew that, thanks to the rigourous social hierarchy of our school, one day someone would have to bite the bullet and treat him with kindness and compassion so that he didn’t crack and blow us all away with his father’s automatic rifle collection. I just can’t believe this day has come so soon.”

“You know, sometimes I still see Chad’s ghost roaming the schoolhalls,” said long-time friend Huhg Jassohl. “He still wanders these halls, reading - eugh - books and expressing an interest in things like learning.”

After taking a moment to compose himself, Jassohl continued.

“I mean, I know the shadow of his former self says stuff like ‘Eugene is just misunderstood’ and ‘Once you get to know someone, you realise how judging a book by its cover is so wrong’ – but hey, that's exactly the kind of thing that kind of a Naruto-watching weeboo piece of uncool scum would say.”

However, with mounting ostracism and public shunning of Chaddings, the school board has now expressed worries that soon it’ll be time to put another student on the altar of offerings.

“Now that Chad is a shunned, tormented dipshit that no one likes because of his obvious rejection of the status quo – you know, basically another Eugene - what’s to stop him shooting up the school?” said Principal Davids.

“I mean, someone’s gonna have to befriend that massive weirdo.”

Shocking new study finds “you’re not even my real dad”

The scientific community is agog today, after breath-taking new research showed undeniable evidence that “you’re not even my real father”.

The commissioned research, which was headed by 17-year-old Rebecca Evansfield and looked deep into the scientific field of Yourdaughterology, found many disturbing correlations and links between data previously thought impossible.

“The research really has swept at least one scientist off his feet,” said Evansfield. “I mean, we found a 75% probability that you’re not the boss of me, which gives rise to the disturbing revelation that it is highly, highly likely that I can do whatever I want”.

And that’s just the beginning, says Evansfield.

“Our findings are as bold as they are startling,” she explained. “Just a few years ago, who would have thought it possible that you can’t tell me what to do anymore, or that there exist a set of very particular theoretical physical models that showed that my being a proper grown up now who doesn't have to listen to you could potentially be more than just a random statistical glitch?”

The findings, however, are fraught with controversy, and are already being contested and criticised by at least one scientist, who - the study suggests - doesn’t deserve to be married to such an amazing woman.

The findings have already been criticised by once-divorced scientist Dr Bardensen.

“Yes, we can agree that there may be an element of truth to the findings,” said 49-year-old senior lab manager at the Centre for Chemical Studies, Michael Bardensen. “Sure, scientists now speculate that this shocking possibility could extend as far as, say, you getting a tattoo on your back, or that it even may have as far-reaching ramifications as your going out whenever you want to, but its whole premise is premature.”

Bardensen stresses that the findings are rash at best.

“The data might suggest that you should be allowed to date that Senior in the football team, or be able go to Tessa’s big house party next Saturday, but I guarantee you that these discoveries are all just a part of the ups and downs of scientific enquiry,” he said. “Already I have found contradictory data that suggests that, actually, you live in my house and don’t pay rent; and previous studies published by I. M. Hyorfahtha et al stress that just wait until your mother hears about this.”

Already Bardensen’s theory has been confirmed by eminent researchers, such as senior researcher for the Home Foundation, Jessica Bardensen nee Evansfield.

“Just wait a few years,” said the counter study in a joint statement this afternoon. “You’ll see that we were right all along.”

Man gives to charity without making elaborate viral video

The philanthropic community is in uproar today, after a man reportedly donated a large sum of money to a charity organisation without filming an elaborate viral video.

According to the man, who for some reason beyond the comprehension of modern man wishes to remain anonymous, he didn’t even tweet that he had done it, or even take a selfie or use any hashtags like #charity.

This isn’t the first time he’s pulled such a mad stunt – sources close to the man say that back in August 2014 he didn’t dump a bucket of ice water over his head before giving R50 000 to an organisation working to find a cure for ALS.

And while many people say this is pure madness, scientists say that the science is feasible.

“We’ve been looking into the neurochemistry and psychology behind such irrational acts, and we have to say that the science is sound,” said lead researcher for the study, Cora Layshin. “Turns out, you actually can donate money without making it about you or yelling to the entire world in hashtagged ALL CAPS that you’re so goddamn selfless and giving and kind.”

But this is just the beginning, say scientists conducting similar research.

”We’ve been looking into the innate, very natural links between being a good human being and making sure that it’s also tagged on Facebook and linked to your Instagram account,” said Dr Narsa Sistique of the Institute of Brain Studies. “Peer-reviewed research and carefully experimentation shows that – in an utter contrast to popular belief and going against everything certain Youtubers know to be true – you can donate money or food to homeless shelters without making exploitative Social Experiment videos that make thousands of dollars in ad revenue.”

International Charity organisations have jumped onto this trend, and are now challenging thousands of budding social media philanthropists to the bold and daring new "Just Donate some Goddamn Money" challenge.

”We know that it’s difficult to comprehend, but dozens of peer-reviewed papers on the matter have shown that you can do things like asking your girlfriend to marry you without having to stage some huge viral flashmob video,” said Dr Sistique. “Every time you do something like have a cup of coffee or a vegetarian quiche at a local bistro, or go to the gym, or go for a 22km bike ride on a Friday, you can actually do it without flooding everyone’s social media feeds with it. It’s crazy, but true.”

However, not everyone is too fazed by this shocking discovery.

“There may be one or two people who upset the system by giving money without making a viral video,” said online philanthropy expert Jack Givvens, “but as long as there are hundreds of people who make viral videos or do a No Makeup Selfie challenge without giving a cent, we figure it kinda all balances out.”