Thousands sunburnt after Tornado ravages Eastern Cape

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Thousands of residents living in the Eastern Cape were left nursing third-degree sunburns after the much radio-hyped Class 6 tornado predicted to hit the coastline finally made landfall yesterday. 

Tornado Deathwave Bringer, as it has now been dubbed by the radio media which discussed the tornado's possible effects and path at length, viciously tickled tree leaves and violently creaked wind vanes after breakneck breezes, some racing at speeds in excess of 8km/hr, swept across the land, leaving in their wake a devastating path of flustered hair and underarm sweat. 

“The tornado was singularly awful simply because it was unlike any other that has ever hit the country, or any country, for that matter,” said local weather man Val Souds. “It was particularly iniquitous because it was a tornado that looked nothing like a tornado.” 

The claim has since been confirmed by traumatised eyewitnesses at ground zero. 

“It was terrifying!” said local Port Elizabeth businessman Sal Goods. “Here we were expecting rain and wind and the fury of a scorned wind god embodied in a towering funnel of windy death, and then… nothing. Not only was it slightly destructive, it was also utterly deceptive.” 

Since the odious weather began, locals have been flooding the Muse and Abuse offices with complaints of damage and trauma. 

“It was awful,” said Rhodes student Harry Cane. “The tornado magnified the sun’s rays, forcing me to take off my jersey and go down to the pool for a few hours. Then, when the clouds swept over the sun for a few minutes, I had to put my jersey back on.” 

According to Cane, this behaviour continued for up to an hour, forcing him to repeated remove and put back on various items of clothing. 

“It was terribly inconvenient,” he said. 

Meanwhile, weather centres across the Cape have reported that in some places the tornado reached windspeeds of nearly 14km/hr, as well as temperatures of 32 degrees Celsius, with high exposure risks of sunny skies. 

“Tornados usually only go up to Class 5, but this one brought with it risks of heat stroke and skin cancer, as well as damage to only-just-coiffured hair! We had to create a whole new class for this kind of weather monstrosity,” said head of Meteorology at the Centre for Weather Studies Chech McClowds. “It’s the worst weather we’ve had all week, and definitely worse than last week’s, too. It’s irrefutable proof of global warming, climate change, or at the very least that we’re praying to the wrong god.” 

He went on to slaughter a chicken and incant prayers of appeasement toward the furious wind god Col’chu’kaan. 

“All hail the Lord of Wind and Might, his glorious Majesty of the Skies and Clouds,” he added. 

Residents of the Eastern Cape have since been warned to make preparations for a possible second wave of similar tornado activity. 

“We’re putting all of our citizens on high alert,” said Mayor of East London Jehovah Payd. “If the weather gets worse, we’re going to have to start handing out emergency rations of sunblock and beach towels.” 

Muse and Abuse advises all residents to remain indoors, and maybe open a goddamn textbook and study for your Chemistry exam next week, event though we all know you’ll probably watch four seasons of Breaking Bad in one sitting. No, it’s not the same thing.

Thousands barely escape White Genocide

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Thousands of white South Africans just barely escaped with their lives this morning after calls by the country's black majority population to commence the long-planned White Genocide (also known as The Night of The Long Knives") were hastily withdrawn.

According to Perry Noya of the Institute for Murdering Vit Mense, the calls to commence the wholesale ethnic cleansing of South Africa precipitated over recent false rumours of Nelson Mandela's death.

"At roughly 9:55am this morning we got an SMS from staff at the Pretoria hospital saying "Madiba is gone!", and so our various generals across the country started breaking open the crates of machetes and parafin-soaked tyres. However, ten minutes later we got a second SMS saying "found him, he ws in da bathroom." Needless to say, it was a close call."

According to Noya, this isn't the first time white people had just barely escaped.

"The genocide was first penned in to happen just after April 1994, but was seriously waylaid by Mandela's bullshit message of peace and reconciliation," said Noya. "That idiot really put a hurdle in the path of the inevitable.”

However, organising officials have said that in recent years the planned mass murder has been plagued by modern philosophical and practical questions.

"Right now we have whole schools of thought dedicating their lives to finding out where we stand on certain ethnicities," said Head Researcher of the Rhodes University Wilson Yves Theory-school of Ethnicity (RU WYTE) Carl Ord. "Right now we just can't tell where we stand on some coconuts. Like, coloured people? And what about really black white guys? Or what about rich black people who live in Sandton? We don't want to murder all of them by accident.”

Ord went on to say that they were thinking of reinstating old scientific measures for determining true blackness.

 "Like the Pencil Test," he said. "Just to be absolutely positive. That's tried and tested. If that Staedler falls out, it's machete time, mlungu."

However, the false-start killings were not bloodless, with three white people killed, thus sending the media into a frenzy of extensive coverage.

"If we do the media math, we can see three white people dead is a fucking high and scary number," said Editor of Die Burger Steer Eyotypz. "In fact, if we look at the current value system, the equivalent of as many white people died at Marikana, and we can see how much coverage that got." He went on to add that this number was almost as high as half an American person, but only equal to one-sixteenth of an American blue-eyed little blonde girl.

In reaction to today's events, hundreds of white people have since taken to the streets to voice their terror and concern for the proposed killings.

"A bunch of us and Steve Hofmeyr have decided that enough is enough," said 42-year-old farmer and Jo'burg resident Boet Enswaar. "Sure, probably thousands more black people are murdered every day, but there are a lot more of them, so it's not the same."

As such, they have planned some scathing and moving protest action in defiance of the horrific acts. 

"We're gonna throw all these red balloons into the sky just to show everyone how gatvol we really are," he said. "That will really get the message across."

And in related news, scientists are running out of time to discover the potion for everlasting life to keep Nelson Mandela alive. According to scientists from the University of Stellenbosch, medical science is still far from coming up with the immortality potion that will keep Nelson Mandela, and thus the minority white population, alive.

"A lot of people say that black people are actually peace-loving and that the idea that they just want to go on a massive colour-incited spree of mass murder and violence is ridiculous, and that they just want to live in peace," said Head of Medical Research Liv Foorevah, "but we think this is the only way to be  100% sure."

Dealers to introduce "ethical and eco-friendly" narcotics

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Responding to worldwide allegations of murder, torture, kidnapping, assassination, violence and the enslavement of thousands of poor and destitute addicts, leading meth cooks, Colombian drug lords and narcotics suppliers across the globe have announced plans to produce "friendlier, ethical, guilt-free and fair" narcotics.

"The media and governments across the world have given us a really bad rep," said Colombian heroin kingpin Lina de Koka. "Sure, we haven't been blameless, but I've only tortured, beheaded or murdered maybe four dozen times, tops. This is just a way of saying to our very, very loyal customers that we're not the bad guys the newspapers and headlines make us out to be."

De Koka went on to say that this move was a result of their customers' concerns about the product they were buying.

"Every time our users cram their scarred and bleeding nasal cavaties with three grams of Colombian Snow, we don't want them thinking of guilty, awful things like, 'How many poor farmers were exploited at 5c per kilo for this?' or 'How many abused and homeless meth addicts is my part in this cycle really creating?' or even 'How many people are facing life in prison because my demand for this illegal substance and their desperation to just get by is a powderkeg combination?'. We want them to shoot up and feel happy that they're not making the world a worse place."

As such, kingpins and dime-bag dealers in carparks across the world will now be offering (at a marginally higher price, of course) products like violence-free and fair-market cocaine,  war-in-the-Third-World-free and taliban-funding-free Opium, and murder-free and jail-free marijuana.

"Our latest product is Green Coke. It's transported across the continent by bicycle or in the latest Honda Prius. You might also want to check out our new Eco-MDMA: it's not made from the rare oil of the endangered Sassafras tree in Cambodia, but rather synthesised in a lab from other, abundant chemicals. We want our customers to never feel like they're supporting something that's immoral or unethical," said De Koka.

The announcement has been greeted with great enthusiasm by loyal users of hard drugs across the world, who took time out of asking for spare change and offering us all blowjobs for ten bucks to share their thoughts.

"It's great, man. Now, when I go back to my cardboard home after a hard day's begging,  I can sleep comfortably at night, unplagued by nightmarish visions of poor Mexican citizens getting caught in the crossfire," said 31-year-old vagrant and part-time prostitute Joe Blobs. "Now, about that BJ...."

Companies across the world have met this announcement with support, showing their commitment to this inspiring movement by introducing their own ranges of eco-friendly, ethically-produced produces.

"Here we have a new eco-friendly and ethical coke-snorting pipe disguised to look EXACTLY like a ten dollar bill. It's portable, light, easy to roll, and you can hide it in your wallet along with all your real money," said CEO of Paraphernalia Inc. Shu Tinup. "It's now on sale at all major retailers for $19.95.”

However, the announcement has not been without controversy, as some gang lords have resisted the proposed changes.

"So far we've seen a little bit of resistance to this new pardigm," said De Koka, "but every revolution  has its fair share of drive-by shootings and gang-banging. This is just the acceptable cost of business."

He went on to outline, however, that this was just pushing them harder to, er, push the new product.

"They're jealous of this new product and want to stick to the old way of doing things," said De Koka. "All these gang wars and hits on our mid-level mafiosos are a sign. Yesterday, I found my best friend Miguel's head on a stake in my driveway. That just tells us that we must be doing something right."

Man admits weed truth

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A Cape Town man has left local pro-weed groups reeling in outrage this morning after coming out and admitting that he uses weed because it's great to get blazed on, and not because of the various socioeconomic, health, or financial reasons usually stated by pro-legalisation advocacy groups.

"I don't use it because it's a good alternative to manufacturing rope, or because it'll stop the glaucoma or cancer I definitely don't have, but because I just fucking love getting blazed in my room," said 23-year-old UCT student and part-time waiter Jonas Westen.

Westen went on to add that he mostly supported pro-weed groups because not going to jail every time he bought weed from a carguard dealer or lit up a jay would be "really sweet".

"Like, not going to jail would be awesome," he said passing a joint to gathered journalists. "Why isn't that enough?"

However, many pro-legalisation groups have condemned the student's words, saying that he is just a part of the international conspiracy to hold human society back.

"A lot of people say that we only support weed because we smoke, like, a shit load of it," said Capetown-based advocate of LEGALISE-IT, Affa Davids. "But that couldn't be any further from the truth."

Davids went on to point out why, exactly, marijuana is that wonder-crop it is.

"Hemp is a very, very important part of modern life, and is very valuable indeed," he said. "It can make really kiff rope. Like, there's a huge international government conspiracy to replace all rope bridge cables with much weaker woven tempered steel cabling, and ship rope with synthetic fibre. It's ludicrous."

"I use hemp rope and hemp cloth all the time for, like, stuff and things," said 22-year-old architect Baloo Prince, wearing a cotton and polyester blend t-shirt and demin jeans.

Westen's media stunt has also been criticised in light of a recent South African statistical study.

"Our studies have shown that almost 99% of all weed users are closet Rastafarians who are forced to display Christian, Judaic, Islamic or even atheist beliefs in public, simply because the law prevents them from freely expressing their religious beliefs," said chief researcher Rick Roll of the Institute for Statistical Studies.

The study also found that, contrary to popular belief, all weed users have been shown to harbour deep-seated, as-yet-undiscovered cancers - which are slowly killing them, because of the government's unwillingness to legalise a potential miracle cure.

"Years of medical research has shown that weed is a very effective anti-cancer measure," said Roll, "especially when supplemented by things like healthy eating, exercise, not spending hours in direct sunlight or in tanning beds, and more insubstantial things like weeks of clinically-proven advanced multi-stage chemotherapy and radiotherapy."

Research also pointed out that if the War on Drugs were to be legally ended, there would be millions of Rands available for public spending and other typical government projects - a possibility that has sparked interest in ANC MPs and politicos since.

"Just think how many cars and Johnny Walker and endless weeks of fastfood that could get you?" said ANC Minister of Public Spending Robbin Dhakantry. "Oh, and maybe some RDP houses and a toilet or two. You know, if there's some change."

However, the legalisation debate is still a contentious one, with stalwarts on both sides presenting sound arguments.

"We can't blerrie legalise this kak," said Joburg resident John Anders while drinking a beer with his 16-year-old son. "Because after that they'll legalise coke and heroin and blerrie tik. And all our children will get their hands on it. No, we should definitely ban and criminalise all kinds of mind- and mood-altering drugs. Here, have beer."

Anyone with information on how to be diagnosed with glaucoma or, like, a not-that-serious but just-serious-enough form of cancer should please get in contact with reporters from Muse and Abuse.

Plan to destroy planet "well ahead of schedule"

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Bankers, Republicans and users of inefficient wall heaters and canned hairspray are reportedly rejoicing after a recent study has shown that the worldwide plan to utterly eradicate all life on planet Earth is "far, far ahead of schedule."

The study by the Harvard Review of Planetoid Desolation reported yesterday that, with current global levels of effort into destroying our planet, the original 1890 plan is many, many years ahead of schedule.

"We've had a massive legacy laid down for us, with people like Thomas Midgely, Jr and his bold and creative new methods for natural destruction, and so the bar has been set really high," said head of the Harvard research team and guy who leaves his geyser on all day Eric Schmidt. "With his CFCs and Lead Tetrethyl, he paved the first step, but with our modern deforestation methods and massive mining ingenuity, we're one step closer to achieving our goals."

The plan to destroy the planet was first proposed in 1865, when industrialist and businessman John Myers took a walk in a local park.

pic: natgeo animals

"'Tis a wretched thing, this nature," his now-famous autobiography reads, "I didst just find a spider, a vicious, fanged, disgusting hairy jumpy bastard with ugly grey beady eyes. A bird didst defecate right betwixt my shoulderblades. His grandchildren will pay for that."

After that seminal walk, Myers dedicated his life to scientific research into the problem of a wild planet full of bugs and creatures. His early studies were crucial in showing how dangerous many naturally occurring chemicals are.

"Ozone in high levels has been shown to be poisonous to human beings," read one of his most startling early papers, Natures Ugliness. "Meanwhile, other chemicals such as the noxious and corrosive Di-hydrogen Oxide have been shown to be pandemic cesspits of death, especially in places such as Grahamstown, where it causes irreparable yearly damage despite its low daily prevalence in the area."

Early estimates in the 90's said that the planet would only be eradicated of all life by 2050, but the new Harvard report has shown that our massively industrialized society and global population explosions have cut that time by at least 25 years.

"Even if we discount the advances made between the years of 1914 and 1918 and 1939 and 1945, we're still far ahead of schedule," said Schmidt.

The report, which cites Bleach, CFCs, DDT, industrial toxins, mass deforestation, and the systematic genocide of anything with wings or fur as some of the most crucial modern steps in this program, now estimates that by latest 2025, we won't have to worry any more about whales or birds or snakes. Eugh. Snakes.

"Where we've really stepped up our game is the ocean," said global annihilation analyst and proud Hummer owner Oyelle Spils. "Ever since the great plan to dump large quantities of toxic and radioactive waste into it - not to mention all those nuclear tests in the 60s and 70s - we're moving faster than ever to achieve our goal of utter oceanic obliteration."

Leading scientists have since been quick to heap praise on the various peoples of the world, in particular the Chinese.

"We really could not have done it without them," said Spils. "They are the real visionaries here. They sacrifice long hours and suffer illness, poverty and constant oppression just to get their bit done, often under the harshest living and working conditions. They're an inspiration to the rest of us, opening so many new coal-burning power plants every month."

However, many scientists have also expressed concern over a growing rebellion to the cause, namely so-called "vegetarians" and "environmentalists".

"If these tree-hugging arseholes have their way, they'll deny our children the future they so rightly deserve," said Spils. "Do you want your kids growing up in trees and poison ivy and mosquitoes and crocodiles, or in a safe, warm, barren wasteland of endless sand and desolation where you can see dangerous animals coming from miles around?"

In spite of this, experts say they are not worried about these possible obstacles to making the new expected completion date.

"If push comes to shove, we'll just 'accidentally' launch a few nukes at a nuclear-capable, war-loving, fanatic and unstable rising world power," said head of the American program Hopen Fyre. "The ensuing nuclear winter should undo all the serious damage and obstacles these Pruis-driving, eco-friendly, organic-produce-eating motherfuckers have done.

Muse and Abuse would like to remind all its readers to leave their lights on tonight. Every minute is a polar bear that will never again endanger your children.

Man with braai tongs delivers State of The Nation address

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Huge crowds of South Africa citizens gathered at Number 18 Chester Street in Johannesburg yesterday evening, to hear The State of the Nation Address delivered by a man holding braai tongs.

The Address, given by 42-year-old Johannes van Vuuren and starting out as an informal rant to a few friends about "can I tell you what's wrong with this fucking country?", soon developed into one of the most nuanced and insightful critiques of South African zeitgeist and the social, political, financial and cultural implications of modern South Africa.

The speech quickly drew a massive crowd.

"It was incredible," said awed speech attendee Audrey Ence. "Who would have known that a part-time garage mechanic and businessman would have such a deep, considered and profound understanding of South African politics and current affairs?"

The speech, however, was not without its controversial moments, such as when, after six beers and looking over his shoulder to make sure no black people were around and also feeling really comfortable in the privacy of his own home and among friends who didn't have the balls to stand against his bigotted viewpoints, he dropped the K-bomb. Three times.

"Many people were outraged by this," said cunning linguist and head of the London School of Oration and Rhetoric Spee Chiz. "However, it was only to point out the other flaws with this 'fucking baboon country' such as our obsession with political correctness."

"Did you know," Van Vuuren's speech continued, "that I can't even call a gay oke a fag anymore? When I was at school during apartheid it was okay, and now it's all like illegal and stuff. Flip, man. It's, like, supposed to be my Freedoms of Speech, or something. All this fucking LGBTIQ nonsense. We're going to run out of blerrie letters just now."

When asked whether he thought that perhaps his speech was just a hateful drunken rant that he should be ashamed of, he just laughed. 

"It's what everyone is thinking," he said. "It's you blerrie University students, you comment and criticise things too  much, but you don't even see what's right in front of your face." 

When further asked if perhaps many of the problems that South Africa is currently facing, such as rampant government corruption, failure to deliver basic services to a disenfranchised public, and the grand failure of the education system, stem from roots of inequality and social injustice that were carried over post-1994, he scoffed.

"You know, we should just get over the past. I didn't have any trouble getting a job because I studied blerrie hard at the all-white private school my parents paid for and worked blerrie hard at my dad's garage to get where I am today."

Since delivering the epic speech, Van Vuuren has decided to run for office.

"I'll be a hundred times the president Zuma is right now," he promised.

However, this promise has greatly worried political analysts and citizens. 

"When Van Vuuren builds his own Nkandla in Orania or wherever the hell he was brought up, that means he'll spend R20 billion, and not just R200 million," said married couple and Soweto residents Dis and Fran Chised. "That also means that he'll get off 100 times the rape accusations and escape 100 times the Arms Deal probes. We're not sure SA is ready to get that royally fucked up."