Man leaves insightful comment on News24, apologises, crashes internet

pic: atom.smasher.org

A man left almost 4 billion people without an internet connection after he left an insightful, non-racist, non-sexist, non-inflammatory post on the News24 comments section.

The post, which was based on real, peer-reviewed, well-published and trusted studies and called for a move away from fragmentary knee-jerk hateful responses to the articles, was left at about 4:14pm yesterday, said Internet Specialist and Network Analyst Maus Kliken.

"As soon as he clicked 'Enter' and posted the comment, the Internet went under incredible strain, trying to figure out why there was someone constructive and non-racist on this particular page," said Kliken.

According to Kliken, roughly 14 racist and hateful replies later, the man posted an apology.

"Never, in the history of the internet, has anyone publicly apologised and accepted fault on their own part for their posts," said Kliken."The Internet just didn't know what to do. Hell, it didn't even have an error message for this kind of problem."

This is not the first time the internet has been brought to its knees by an internet user, and once again, the Rhodes Student Representative Council is finding itself having to prepare real-life replacements of social media sites in order to prevent riots and violence.

Social Psychologists and Online Persona Theorists are baffled as to why the man would do such a thing.

"The Internet is a battlefield that eats considerate, kind people up  for breakfast," said Social Psychologist Dr Qwak Sharlottan. "Why anyone would go on the internet and willingly destroy one of its key pillars is just bizarre. We can only assume that the man is an uttter Internet Sociopath. He probably doesn't even LOL, and doesn't find Bacon or pictures of kittens in little bibs all that appealing. The sick fuck."

However, some specialists have other theories.

"We think we know who the man is, after sifting through the debris of the internet, and we checked out his online presence. According to his facebook and twitter profiles, he only has 8 friends and started serious online activity last week. He just didn't know what he was doing," said Internet behaviourist John Angers. "How was he supposed to know online comments etiquette without the necessary lived experience?" 

Artist's rendition of a typical day on the internet.
Pic: Flickr, Matisse_Enzer

 

Angers went on to suggest that some sort of sandbox unconnected internet should be created to prevent these kinds of issues.

"We need people a space to practice small-minded bigotry without endangering other 'net users," he said.

Meanwhile, Internet specialists have called on a huge global network of trolls to restore the Internet to its former balance.

"Right now, a highly-trained team of crack keyboard professionals are calling each other 'mindless fucktards' and 'dum niggars ruining ths gr8 county'," said Lieutenant John Web of the Internet Restoration Committee. "The internet should be back to normal within days."

Politicos release new language handguide

Pic: wikimedia

Politico wannabes who struggle to be taken seriously in the South Africa can lay their troubles to rest, after a recent publication teaching any and all aspiring tenderpreneurs how to correctly employ rhetoric has hit the bookshelves.

According to Stark publishing, an initiative between various leading political figures from the ANC, SASCO and COPE has seen the release of a new book aimed at teaching would-be politicians how to ‘talk the talk’.

“Comrade brother chiefs, this is a great day for anyone who wishes to get into the political sphere,” said the book’s author, Speekmore Rahbish, best-selling writer with such famous works under his belt as How to Play the Race Card, and Making Money: a Tender Issue. The book has a breakdown of equivalent translations of politi-speak, and serves as a guideline for political rhetoric with advice such as “call people, ‘the masses'” and "when in doubt, use big words".

The book, entitled How to Talk the Talk (now on sale at all major bookstores), outlines many helpful phrases and translations that can aid future politicos, says Rahbish. 

"This book will demystify the whole thing," said the author, opening the book to read a few examples to gathered reporters. Noteworthy examples include:

“Chief brother honourable comrade, I seek clarity as to the issue pertaining to the certainty and extent thereof concerning the matter at hand arising from current conversation” ---->  “Are you sure?”

“Comrade brother-in-arms, I would like to seek further and additional nutritional substance and satisfaction of a more meaningful, worthwhile nature as such that we fulfill the aims of such an endeavourous occasion” ---->  “Let’s eat something else”

“Comrade great leader, might I make the unequivocal suggestion that we place more pertinence on the issue pertaining to the mobilisation of the current gathered masses beknownst to us so that we may further reoccupy the territories stolen from us by imperialist colonial oppressive history.”
----> “Let us call our friends and go to the beach” 

Since its publication last week, the book has been met by a resounding wave of approval and praise.

“Ever since I failed Woodwork last year, I have known that I was destined for political power," said third-year Politics student at Rhodes University, Julian Marx. "However, sounding legit has been a real stumbling block for me – the masses just don’t take me seriously. This book has changed all that. Within months, I intend on getting taxpayers to renovate MY homestead.” 

The book has been met with scathing criticism, however, with many calling the book "dangerous, useless, and classless." Despite this, the book's publishers and author are unmoved.

"Of course it's classless!" said Rhabish. "It's Marx!" 

The author has since announced plans for a new book, but has been secretive on details.
"I don't want to give it all away too soon, but I will give you three words," he said with a wink:
"'HIV' and 'African Beetroot'".

White people to tackle dangerous stereotypes

pic: wikimedia

In response to racial tensions across the globe, white people have banded together to protest against the widespread and dangerous stereotypes associated with their skin colour.

According the newly founded United Movement for Liberation from Unfair and Naughty Generalisations against Us (UMLUNGU), they will be tackling dangerous myths such as "all whites are rich" and "all whites love Woolies, Salmon and UCT".

"White people are also the targets of hateful and hurtful racist rhetoric," said Protest coordinator Skree Manshowt."I for one can tell you that fish makes me physically sick," said a man who was so white he makes Casper the Ghost look like a black hole. "And honestly, Woolies is just overrated and repackaged food items resold in nice plastic and so on at a much higher price. I actually shop at Checkers like a lot of bla... like a lot of people, some of whom are my closest friends."

Many other respondents agreed.

"All my friends look at me and think I have three iPods, a huge house, and a hot sister," said Bradley Conners. "But these baseless prejudices couldn't be further from the truth! We have a small three-bedroom flat in Seapoint, I only have an iPod Mini, and my sister is like, only a 6.3."

The protest movement's work, which draws on the work of famous identity and representation theorists such as Stuart Hall, Chris Barker, Michael Banton and Richard Dyer, says that many stereotypes have to be understood by their corollaries.

"When you say that black people are criminals, or are lazy, you have to understand via oppositional construction the very hurtful, baseless and dangerous things these say about whites," said Race, Identity and Social Change lecturer at Rhodes University Prince Jeanloo.

The organisers of the movement have agreed

"Many studies have shown that almost 1% of prison convictions in this country are of white people. We suffer gross racial discrimination in that we are given fair trials and access to good lawyers just because of our skin colour," said the movement's Chief of Staff Reyp Rezentayshun. "Also, I don't know if you've ever met a BA kid at Rhodes. Work isn't exactly their middle name.”

The movement's protest has been met with much support from universities and media firms.

"We think this is a great opportunity to shed light on a scarce topic," said CEO of media24 Tranz Mitt. "After all, it's not like we have too many white people on TV."

Your dignity, 21, passes away

According to a statement issued this morning by coroners and doctors at Qualia Hospital, your dignity passed away in the early hours of this morning, following a serious incident at Friar Tuck's last night.

It was just 21 years old.

"I just can't believe it's gone," said your friend John, the one who always asks you for R5 at the Kaif. "It survived so much before that: upside-down shots, Greek Soc parties, your falling asleep in a ditch naked, you hooking up with your tutor... that it's gone now is just so unexpected."

According to eyewitness reports on scene at Friar Tucks on Friday night, the trouble first started with the double tequila shots you ordered.

"When I saw Olmeca Gold come out, I knew that the night would end in tears and tragedy," said the DJ at Friars, who took time off asking if there were any first-years on the dancefloor to speak to our reporter. "Then, when you upgraded to Strau Rum, I knew that it would be much worse than that."

Sources close to your dignity said that the first symptoms of Sudden Dignity Death Syndrome (also known as Big Bender syndrome, or Friar's Dancefloor Syndrome) appeared when you went up to your old girlfriend and told her that you still loved her.

"You just walked right up and slurred 'hello', and she was like 'oh hey' and then you were like 'oh god jess im still in love like i think about u all the time' and she was like 'oh god not this'," said another close friend of yours whose car you vomitted in, Barry Olman.

Olman added that the final nail was hammered in the coffin when you chundered by the bar. "At that stage, I knew there was no going back," he said.

According to police officials on scene, the remains of your dignity were found in Kotch Creek, using a broken tree branch as a blanket.

It was an oak branch, too," said police constable Jake Manders, whose name keeps appearing in these kinds of articles. "Everyone who's ever passed out under a tree branch knows that its lack of leaf coverage means that it is not an effective mare blanket."

Friends and family who knew your dignity are invited to mourn its passing this weekend on facebook, where memorial photos of its last moments were uploaded by that asshole friend of yours who thinks it's hilarious to capture these kinds of things on film and then show the whole fucking world.

Your dignity is survived by a hangover, a shakey recollection of what happened last night, a woozy stomach, and a really stupid claim that you'll "never drink ever again."

Man wins coveted Fest award

pic by Richie Diesterheft, Flickr

A 42-year-old man has won the coveted Stranded Bank Standing Ovation award at the Grahamstown National Festival of the Arts this weekend, after wowing audiences with his stunning portrayal of everyday life in South Africa.

The four-day immersion-performance play, which was hosted on a very much appropriate venue (the corner of Debonairs) and had several edge-of-your-seat, heart-gripping acts, such as Being Ignored By Rich People, Reeling Drunk, Passed Out and Getting Forcibly Removed By The Police, has reportedly wowed audiences with its true-to-life depiction of the ordeals poverty-stricken people in South Africa face every day.

According to award selection officials, the in-depth production values were just the first impressive point of the performance.

"Fantastic costumes, and the production values were amazing!" said Jake Manders, one of the selection committee members. "The make up was SO real. The sores on his legs and arms were so lifelike, they even appeared to pustulate with some sort of fake blood. Even the clothing appeared to be really worn in, as if he had worn that shirt for months on end without being able to afford a different one to wear."

"No detail was too small," praised the committee in their evaluation. "Even the smell of unwashed body and untreated tuberculosis was a level of verisimilitude not seen in modern theatre," they said. "Even his stomach grumbled realistically. We just don't know how he does it."

According to sources who knew the performer, the man had starved himself for almost a year and a half for the role.

After manufacturing a detailed and heartbreaking backstory (which involved childhood poverty, no education, and being kicked out of his small shack in Fingo), he went on to eat almost as little as once a day - and even then only small, insubstantial foodstuffs.

"His dedication to the act is mind-blowing," said the committee. "We haven't seen performance art be more lifelike. This borders on the insane method acting prep of Christian Bale and Heath Ledger."

The once-off performance ended yesterday afternoon with the tragic and heart-wrenching finale, in which the man passed away.

"It was very lifelike," said one festival goer. "He moaned a little, held out his hands at the audience members as if for alms, and then... his eyes just went blank. The police came and did a very good job of acting the removal of the body, caution tape and all. I felt like I was watching a real person die."

The man, whose name is not yet known, is set to receive his award (which, in unrelated news, cannot be given posthumously) next week.

B&B wins Fest ovation award

pic from FreeFoto

In what is being described as a shock development in the Arts industry, the local bed and breakfast houses and hotels of Grahamstown have been awarded the coveted Bandard Stank Standing Ovation Award for the 2013 National Arts Festival.

According to the prize selection committee, comprising some of the greatest known art, film and music critics in South Africa, the Grahamstonian accommodation industry's portrayal of housing prices was incredibly, mind-blowingly, stunningly and tautologically incredible.

"Usually it's about R700 per person per night," said famed art critic Preeten Shus. "When we saw their bold, stunning and stone-faced presentations of some R1000 per person per night excluding catering, we were blown away."

This bold performance of such crazy themes of insanity and imagination gone wild, said Shus, was an immediate shoe-in for the award.

"The last time we saw the depiction of such science fiction and what would normally be considered ridiculous was early postmodern Absurdism during the 60s," he said.

Some artists have been angered by this development saying that it denigrates the arts industry.

However, many more have resignedly accepted it.

"We took a look at our bill for the weekend of staying here and performing, and we've really got to hand it to them," said Contemporary Dancer Spinan Twist. "They've done a sterling job of making the absurd a reality."

Runner-ups included the Department of Foreign Affairs (DFA) and Rhodes University, who pretended that Tuesday's Braised Club Steak is real meat.

"The DFA had a wonderfully ridiculous claim that they'd take a harder line on diplomacy with our African neighbours, such as Zimbabwe during the elections, but those themes have been kind of done to death by their original director, Thabo Mbeki," said Shus.

"As for the Braised Steak thing, that's just a little to incredulous for our tastes."

Fest-goer admits: "I didn't get it."

Pic: http://cashflow-software.net/
images/ConfusedMan.png

Twenty-seven-year-old Hank Middler, an accountant and part-time blogger from Johannesburg, this morning admitted to reporters from Muse and Abuse that he "just didn't understand anything at all about that play, man."

Middler, who asked not to be named for fear of being called a narrow-minded, alliterate prick by his art-loving, hyper-literate, wine-sipping, vegetarian friends, has been at the National Festival of the Arts in Grahamstown for three days now. Having seen seven shows so far, he has reportedly felt the cognitive ennui building up since Friday's showing of a man in woman's clothing hitting a metal pole with an ANC flag.

"At first I watched a naked Swedish man sitting in a glass box dripping blue paint on himself, and then I watched a play in which the actors only barked at each other," he told us with a sigh. "Now this... I just... I just don't get it."

Despite this deep-seated fear of literary inadequacy, psychologists from the Institute of Looking Clever and Profound and Stuff (ILCPS) have said that there are probably hundreds at the Festival suffering the same debilitating mental block.

"What this poor man doesn't realise is that there are many who don't, to quote, 'connect with the innermost themes and central ideas around which the existential critique of modern society is constructed'," said Theatre psychologist Deep Akchopra.

However, he added, there is much festival-goers can do at least look like they did.

"We strongly recommend working on your 'ahs' and 'hmmm' murmurs of agreement or dissent," he said. "Also, you should sagely scratch your philosophical neckstubble. Bonus points if you're a woman with a beard."

Apparently, even what you wear and how you speak can affect it.

"Wear glasses if you can," said the ILCPS. "Pipes and tweed jackets are a plus. if possible, mention "context" or "post-structuralist approaches" and nod sagely whenever someone uses these key words."

The Institute was quick to warn festinos about following their immediate instincts.

"For the love of God, don't say out loud that the art or performance doesn't mean anything and that perhaps people are reading into it a little too deeply."

However, eventually the intertextuality and representation of maternal conflict within the particarchal discourses might become too much, said the Institute. In this case, they should expose themselves to contrasting material.

"Just go watch David Newton or something. That's about as deep as a contact lens."

Outcry at “Even fish vote for the ANC”

A storm of controversy has swept across South Africa after a news bulletin by iAfrica this morning reported that African National Congress national head of elections Ngoako Ramatlhodi told a rally in Polokwane that, given the chance, animals would vote for the ANC.

According to the news aggregation site, daily paper The Star quoted Ramatlhodi (who is also the deputy minister of correctional services) as saying: "Even the fish, I am told, when the time comes, they vote for the ANC from the sea. If animals at Kruger National [Park] were allowed to vote, they would be voting [for] the ANC."

However, many scientists and sociopolitical analysts have come forward to refute these claims, saying they’re “offensively stupid and utterly ridiculous.”“

Such a claim is preposterous!” said Animal Sciences Researcher Dave Hutton. “Animals don’t even have thumbs. Besides, it’s obvious that they have their own nations and fish, horse and donkey presidents who preside over their own matters. They wouldn’t dabble in human politics.”

However, other public figures have since stepped forward to weigh in on the debate.

“The man has a point,” said political analyst Have Dutton. “For example, Salmon and free-range chickens would never vote for the DA. That would be like Jews voting for the Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei (NSDAP).”

He went on to point out that many other domesticated animals would never vote DA.

”Horses, donkeys, cattle, sheep… these are all animals operating under the chains of middle-class privilege,” said Dutton. “However, initial studies have suggested that cats and dogs would be very much inclined to vote for the Whisker’s and Pedigree-buying DA members.”

He also mentioned that the more obscure minority pets, such as rare pigeons, parrots, guinea pigs, snakes and lizards would all probably vote DA.When these animals were questioned, they all remained strangely unresponsive, leaving politicians wonder if these claims have an veracity to them.

ANC stalwart Mr Clucky McCluckens
is clear on his political leanings
pic: Marji Beach, Flickr

“Bhaaak bhak bhaaaaaaaaaaak, bhak bhak bhak,” said the one chicken that did respond to questions. The ANC have since kindly translated that for us: “WE WILL VOTE ANC UNTIL JESUS COMES AGAIN”.

Despite all this, other public figures have denounced such suggestions as racist.

“[Dutton] thinks that all animals will vote along a simplified, reductive black-white dichotomy,” said COPE leader Trina Ghetvoats. “But where does this leave black-and-white sheep, and the rarer animals, like leopards and lions, who don't occupy either end of the polarised species spectrum?”

In spite of the controversy, the ANC is taking no risks. 

“We’ve set up the relevant government departments just in case we need to deal with such a thing,” said newly appointed second cousin of Zuma’s third wife’s brother’s best friend’s uncle Minister of Animal Rights and Voting Allowances Jeff Mahlala. “We’ve already been allocated a budget of several million, which has been put through my wife the necessary tender processes to allows for the purchase of the ministerial vehicles necessary for the development of such a portfolio.”

Meanwhile, the Independent Electoral Commission and Western bodies have been quick to warn South Africa that there is a strong need to ensure that underwater and farm-side voting stations have “transparent, free, fair, democratic and accountable processes that ensure every species exercises their voting right accordingly”.

“We will me monitoring these new developments carefully," said head of the International Voting Watch Committe Impi Rialist. "If we hear that even one horse was pressured to vote for a party not of his personal choosing, we may be forced to impose strict sanctions.”