Politicos release new language handguide

Pic: wikimedia

Politico wannabes who struggle to be taken seriously in the South Africa can lay their troubles to rest, after a recent publication teaching any and all aspiring tenderpreneurs how to correctly employ rhetoric has hit the bookshelves.

According to Stark publishing, an initiative between various leading political figures from the ANC, SASCO and COPE has seen the release of a new book aimed at teaching would-be politicians how to ‘talk the talk’.

“Comrade brother chiefs, this is a great day for anyone who wishes to get into the political sphere,” said the book’s author, Speekmore Rahbish, best-selling writer with such famous works under his belt as How to Play the Race Card, and Making Money: a Tender Issue. The book has a breakdown of equivalent translations of politi-speak, and serves as a guideline for political rhetoric with advice such as “call people, ‘the masses'” and "when in doubt, use big words".

The book, entitled How to Talk the Talk (now on sale at all major bookstores), outlines many helpful phrases and translations that can aid future politicos, says Rahbish. 

"This book will demystify the whole thing," said the author, opening the book to read a few examples to gathered reporters. Noteworthy examples include:

“Chief brother honourable comrade, I seek clarity as to the issue pertaining to the certainty and extent thereof concerning the matter at hand arising from current conversation” ---->  “Are you sure?”

“Comrade brother-in-arms, I would like to seek further and additional nutritional substance and satisfaction of a more meaningful, worthwhile nature as such that we fulfill the aims of such an endeavourous occasion” ---->  “Let’s eat something else”

“Comrade great leader, might I make the unequivocal suggestion that we place more pertinence on the issue pertaining to the mobilisation of the current gathered masses beknownst to us so that we may further reoccupy the territories stolen from us by imperialist colonial oppressive history.”
----> “Let us call our friends and go to the beach” 

Since its publication last week, the book has been met by a resounding wave of approval and praise.

“Ever since I failed Woodwork last year, I have known that I was destined for political power," said third-year Politics student at Rhodes University, Julian Marx. "However, sounding legit has been a real stumbling block for me – the masses just don’t take me seriously. This book has changed all that. Within months, I intend on getting taxpayers to renovate MY homestead.” 

The book has been met with scathing criticism, however, with many calling the book "dangerous, useless, and classless." Despite this, the book's publishers and author are unmoved.

"Of course it's classless!" said Rhabish. "It's Marx!" 

The author has since announced plans for a new book, but has been secretive on details.
"I don't want to give it all away too soon, but I will give you three words," he said with a wink:
"'HIV' and 'African Beetroot'".

Government doesn't steal R10 million

In a shocking turn of developments yesterday afternoon, the government didn't steal R10 million.

According to eyewitnesses on the scene, the cash was just lying there in an account that official record keepers had totally forgotten about.

"It was earmarked for 'corruption policymaking' or 'education sector development', which was probably why everyone had forgotten it was there," said one man, Ted Manners. 

Since the report, an inquiry has revealed that some 42 MPs and 13 municipality leaders knew about the available millions, but made no discernible move to take it."

Over 55 people knew about this money, and they all didn't touch it," said the inquiry. "As such, this is the greatest step forward in South African politics since '94."

he government has been quick to respond to the matter, saying that it is outraged such a thing could have even been conceived to occur.

"We don't know why or how this happened, but we can assure the people of South Africa that we are doing everything in our power to ensure it doesn't happen again," said government spokesperson Mike Ash.

"We have a very widely-accepted image to uphold, and we want everyone to get the level of governance that they've always voted for."

Government to change ID photo policy

Following social media developments and the advent of instagram, the South African government is implementing a new passport and ID photo policy.

"We use these documents to try and identify you," said the press release. "But actually no one looks anything at all like what they do on facebook and twitter."

When asked for comment, the Minister of Passport Photos and Women said that it's a reasonable move. 

"My son's passport makes him look like an upstanding, contributing member of society. But I know the truth.On facebook and twitter, he's a drunken alcoholic misanthrope who never wears anything but beaters and sunglasses."

The government has since published new guidelines concerning these legal documents.

"Filters, many people in one shot, badly cropped pics, selfies, duckface... these are all preferable to normal, face-on profile shots," it said.

Artist's impression of future ID documents

The document went on to outline the benefits of these.

"Using these pictures in conjunction with facebook and twitter, we believe, will result in higher identification and conviction rates for criminal activity." 

Many people have met the decision with praise, including all your friends, who are glad they won't have to laugh at your ID photos any more.

South Africa "better place" after SAPS disbanding

South Africa has been declared an all-round better place to live after the disbanding of the South African Police Service.

The disbandment, which follows government decisions after a controversial sting by believed-dissolved Scorpions, has been described as the largest ever assault on organised crime since 1902.

"After things like Jackie Selebi, Bheki Cele, and other dumb or convicted police officials  including the 630 police officers arrested for corruption, rape and murder in 2011, and Marikana and the long list of negatives, we've decided that the best way to make our country safe is to just do away with the police entirely," said Minister of Whatever is the Opposite of Having Police Hugh Rundaharest.

Though the police used to be a respected institution, things started to go bad with Cele.

"We had that whole 'shoot to kill' fiasco," said Rundaharest. "We then replaced this with our lesser known mantra 'to catch a crook, think like a crook'. Why do you think we had someone with seven previous charges of murder investigating Oscar Pistorius?"

According to the SAPS wikipedia page our hard-hitting, award winning investigative journalists, the police have been responsible for much political repression. Also, one in four Johannesburg drivers have been asked for a bribe, and 50% of Jo'burg police officers have asked for a bribe.

The decision has been applauded by thousands of citizens.

"This will save millions in taxpayers' rands," said business owner Ernie Ngpay.

Politicians have been equally pleased. 

"This will open up a lot of funds and taxpayer's rands for more infrastructure development and empowerment policies. Like, for example, the second storey of my house, or the fact that my uncle needs to be as rich as my brother."

The decision has already shown the beneficial impact, with surveys showing that people feel safer.

"Now that we know that they don't have to pretend crime will be stopped, I don't have to live in doubt or hesitancy," said Joburg consultant Givemore Hadvize. "Now I know, for a fact, that when crime hits me, there's nothing I can do, and won't have to needlessly live in hope".

However, controversy has surfaced. 

"Now that the police are on the streets, there are thousands more criminals out there," said one protester, John Pickett.  "They were getting paid to do nothing - they were passive because they didn't need to do as much crime as they normally would have. Now they'll take a more active role in crime, and they have the experience to get away with it."

The government, however, has plans for this.

"Right now, our government has shown what happens when you legalise and control crime," said Minister of the newly formed Department of Legal Crime, Judghan Djury. "People used to rob banks with guns, in the shadows. Now we do with with pen and paper, confirmation and allowance in triplicate, and no immediate harm to citizens. We're much more civilised now."

Criminals can now get member cards, and a quota of monthly crimes every month. Affected citizens can apply for remuneration.

"We have  quota system in place. Uptown residences will get broken into once a month, and thieves will be allowed a maximum value of goods stolen, with monthly subscription fees to the Department of House Breaking and Goods Theft," said project manager Tom Hardy. 

"It's all very controlled and precise. Much like current crime."