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| The man himself (showerhead not pictured) |
President Jacob Zuma gave a ringing endorsement of traditional courts given at the opening of National House of Traditional Leaders last week, saying, "Let us solve African problems the African way, not the white man's way”.
"Let us not be influenced by other cultures and try to think the lawyers are going to help," he said to applause from the gathered traditional leaders. "We have never changed the facts. They tell you they are dealing with cold facts. They will never tell you that these cold facts have warm bodies."
Now, the South African Judiciary is seeking to formalise a system whereby 18 million people living in rural areas fall under the jurisdiction of tribal chiefs and village councils who will rule on civil and criminal matters, issuing penalties including forced labour and fines of sheep, cattle and food. In some cases, they will be able to strip offenders of “traditional benefits” such as access to land, thereby denying them food and shelter.
"The President is absolutely right," said Head Justice Noah Khonvickshin. "The current system relies only on cold facts and forgets that the cold facts have warm bodies. Sure, these cold bodies might be rapists, robbers, murderers, and so on, but it still dehumanises them. This new system will treat them humanely, and -through a penalties system - will eke out proper justice. And if they really act out of line, we'll slap them on the wrist. Hard. And scold them."
Now, the South African Judiciary is seeking to formalise a system whereby 18 million people living in rural areas fall under the jurisdiction of tribal chiefs and village councils who will rule on civil and criminal matters, issuing penalties including forced labour and fines of sheep, cattle and food. In some cases, they will be able to strip offenders of “traditional benefits” such as access to land, thereby denying them food and shelter.
"The President is absolutely right," said Head Justice Noah Khonvickshin. "The current system relies only on cold facts and forgets that the cold facts have warm bodies. Sure, these cold bodies might be rapists, robbers, murderers, and so on, but it still dehumanises them. This new system will treat them humanely, and -through a penalties system - will eke out proper justice. And if they really act out of line, we'll slap them on the wrist. Hard. And scold them."
Zuma's announcement has been greeted by resounding applause from citizens across the country.
"Before today, I could only have one wife," said Johannesburg-based accountant, John Mxlomo. "Now, I can get as many as I desire," he said.
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| "Everything should return to the Africa ways," said Zuma in a later statement. "Except, of course, limos or gold Rolex watches or takkies or umbrellas or Chivas" |
Many lawyers have since stepped forward to back up the president's proposal.
"Court battles these days, they're all just litigation, discovery, evidence, cross-examining and so-called trustworthy judges with so-called 'degrees' and 'qualifications'. This return to a more practical, golden tradition will cut down on time and costs of court cases," said lawyer and advocate of this new legal system, Anne Archy.
Such tribal law councils are to be headed by predominantly male, unelected traditional leaders.
"The courtroom is no place for a woman," said Archy, "unless she's there to hand over her birthright or inheritance to her brother or arranged-marriage husband."
Such tribal law councils are to be headed by predominantly male, unelected traditional leaders.
"The courtroom is no place for a woman," said Archy, "unless she's there to hand over her birthright or inheritance to her brother or arranged-marriage husband."
Local experts in African law, Thembteltha Holtroeth and Nutten Bhathatrooth, agree, saying that the old ways are "much quicker, much better."
"It's a well-documented fact that terrible crimes like murder occur directly as a result of evil spirits, muti or lineage sorcery," said Holtroeth. "Currently, there are no courts in South Africa that utilise witch-finders and trusted sangomas to point out the real culprits behind sickening quadruple homicides and other such incidents."
Bhatatrooth nodded his agreement. "If you even mention the word 'tokoloshi' in your defence, you get laughed at and wrongfully sent to jail for the rest of your life, or six days with bail, whichever comes first."
The proposed new court would use witch-finders and summary executioners extensively. When asked what in-depth court proceedings the new system would utilise to fully ascertain a man's guilt, Holtroeth smiled with surety. "What we'll do is we'll first present the defendant's and prosecutor's arguments. Then, if the court-appointed sangoma touches the defendant with his witch-hunting stick, he'll get lightly clubbed to death on the head. It's a painless, quick, and simple judgement. No appeals, paperwork, tribunals and whatnot to confuse whether or not a man is truly innocent," he said.
He went on to add that the appeals process would be totally done away with.
"That's why it's called a judgement: because we're trusting the judgement of the man behind the desk. His word is final. We shouldn't be allowed to question it. And for all those who bring silly cases to court, like discrimination, we can just give them forced labour to make them not waste the court's precious time."
Zuma himself has agreed that this court system is the way to go. "I'll personally preside over these hearings, decked in my royal leopardskin. We no longer have to worry about people being wrongfully accused: if they can outrun the executioners and touch my feet, they're obviously not guilty," he said.
For petty crimes, such as theft and assault, the new system would rely on the tried-and-tested system of mob justice.
"Many criminals we have in here don't even need to be here," said Warden of Palsmoor prison, John Lock-Yuppie."Street justice just saves so much time and money."
Plans to affect whole country
The South African government has since voiced its unhesitating support of Zuma's call, saying that they plan to apply this to all sectors of South AFrican society.
"It's a well-documented fact that terrible crimes like murder occur directly as a result of evil spirits, muti or lineage sorcery," said Holtroeth. "Currently, there are no courts in South Africa that utilise witch-finders and trusted sangomas to point out the real culprits behind sickening quadruple homicides and other such incidents."
Bhatatrooth nodded his agreement. "If you even mention the word 'tokoloshi' in your defence, you get laughed at and wrongfully sent to jail for the rest of your life, or six days with bail, whichever comes first."
The proposed new court would use witch-finders and summary executioners extensively. When asked what in-depth court proceedings the new system would utilise to fully ascertain a man's guilt, Holtroeth smiled with surety. "What we'll do is we'll first present the defendant's and prosecutor's arguments. Then, if the court-appointed sangoma touches the defendant with his witch-hunting stick, he'll get lightly clubbed to death on the head. It's a painless, quick, and simple judgement. No appeals, paperwork, tribunals and whatnot to confuse whether or not a man is truly innocent," he said.
He went on to add that the appeals process would be totally done away with.
"That's why it's called a judgement: because we're trusting the judgement of the man behind the desk. His word is final. We shouldn't be allowed to question it. And for all those who bring silly cases to court, like discrimination, we can just give them forced labour to make them not waste the court's precious time."
Zuma himself has agreed that this court system is the way to go. "I'll personally preside over these hearings, decked in my royal leopardskin. We no longer have to worry about people being wrongfully accused: if they can outrun the executioners and touch my feet, they're obviously not guilty," he said.
For petty crimes, such as theft and assault, the new system would rely on the tried-and-tested system of mob justice.
"Many criminals we have in here don't even need to be here," said Warden of Palsmoor prison, John Lock-Yuppie."Street justice just saves so much time and money."
Plans to affect whole country
The South African government has since voiced its unhesitating support of Zuma's call, saying that they plan to apply this to all sectors of South AFrican society.
"We like the president's idea," said MEC for Home Affairs, Gohan Fullritard, "but we think he's being a little bit too reserved and hesitant. There's so much more we could do."
The government first plans to revise the current South African Military and Defense Forces.
"For a long time now, we've been unhappy with using European assault rifles, tanks, grenades, jet fighters and armoured carriers to fight our battles," said Defense Minister Themba Shakespeare. "Since the president gave his address, we have put down our AR-15s and kevlar, picked up our iXhwa, cowhide shields and isaGilla, and have been working tirelessly to perfect the latest in cow-horn formation tactics. We've already sent out tenders for powerful muti to block bullets and make us invisible to our enemies. Our enemies will never even know what hit them," he said.
"For a long time now, we've been unhappy with using European assault rifles, tanks, grenades, jet fighters and armoured carriers to fight our battles," said Defense Minister Themba Shakespeare. "Since the president gave his address, we have put down our AR-15s and kevlar, picked up our iXhwa, cowhide shields and isaGilla, and have been working tirelessly to perfect the latest in cow-horn formation tactics. We've already sent out tenders for powerful muti to block bullets and make us invisible to our enemies. Our enemies will never even know what hit them," he said.
He has, however, also expressed concern. "I just hope Zuma's mother doesn't die. I'd hate to have to execute 7000 of my men. However, we've already taken acting courses to make sure that our grief looks sufficient. We should be fine." he said.
The overhaul of South Africa is set to sweep many more sectors too, such as the health sector, with MEC for Health, Jacob Steele-Fondse, saying that they would eradicate wasteful and expensive healthcare equipment in favour of more locally-valid ones.
"These so-called EKGs and MRIs and science-fictitional Hex-rays are a flippen waste of okes' time and money. One machine scans cats, vir vok's sakes," he said.
The plans have also included the media, with an immediate shutdown of imperialist-inspired televisions and radios.
"I've never trusted television," said MEC for Technology and Communication, Bheki Wards. "I mean, it took the Nation Party until '76 to get it. If they didn't trust it, it must have been bad. Beside, with these new measures, we'll never again have to bail out the SABC or worry about pesky newspapers or this newfangled internets thing. I think people won't even miss twitting on the vleisbook," she said.
"These so-called EKGs and MRIs and science-fictitional Hex-rays are a flippen waste of okes' time and money. One machine scans cats, vir vok's sakes," he said.
The plans have also included the media, with an immediate shutdown of imperialist-inspired televisions and radios.
"I've never trusted television," said MEC for Technology and Communication, Bheki Wards. "I mean, it took the Nation Party until '76 to get it. If they didn't trust it, it must have been bad. Beside, with these new measures, we'll never again have to bail out the SABC or worry about pesky newspapers or this newfangled internets thing. I think people won't even miss twitting on the vleisbook," she said.
Wards also has plans to rebuild cities across South Africa.
"I think Cape Town and Joburg will look so much better as hand-built, mud-blocks-and-wood roundavels," he said. "They're eco-friendly, too."
"I think Cape Town and Joburg will look so much better as hand-built, mud-blocks-and-wood roundavels," he said. "They're eco-friendly, too."
Debate and worries arise
However, much debate has arisen, for example how the law will distinguish between those who are governed by customary law, and those who fall under European law - a concern that the government has sought to address.
"We can maybe make two justice systems," said MEC for Social Development Nunin Ayteenyirz. "One where all the African laws are upheld, and another where all the European laws reign. Maybe we'll even introduce some kind of a pass book so that police will know in what manner to treat each citizen. Wait, why does this sound so familiar?..." he said.
Many more have voiced distress at the plans, including bankers, accountants, lawyers, doctors, policemen, professors, teachers, Ministers, and (obviously) those pesky anti-democratic, imperialist-agenda-following national newspapers.
"Technically speaking, all of our jobs are imperialist-born. I'm not sure Zuma has though this through I mean, Shaka wasn't a President, and democracy is a Greek idea. Even Zuma'll be jobless," said local dentist Timothy Flossmoore.
In an editorial released on Friday by the Daily Week, editor Thomas Riter said, "blah blah blah, Zuma, ANC, corruption, blah blah blah. Ban us all, please."
Citizens, too, have raised concerns.
"There is no way this will work," said South African Twitter user @TendaiMzukusi. "No more Generations? Haibo... #RIOT".
Meanwhile, Nelson Mandela has lent his voice to the proceedings, calling Zuma's speech "kind of awkward".
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that the justice system depends on our Constitution You know, that kind of important document I signed in 1994? Awks, Jacob," he said before donating millions to a charity aimed at helping orphans.
And in a statement released this morning, even Zuma's lawyers have aired some worries. "The so-called 'White Man's way' includes things like, oh, i don't know, acquittals in rape trials, corruption trials, and international Arms Deal scandals. If those no longer count for anything, there's a chance that this might backfire."
In an editorial released on Friday by the Daily Week, editor Thomas Riter said, "blah blah blah, Zuma, ANC, corruption, blah blah blah. Ban us all, please."
Citizens, too, have raised concerns.
"There is no way this will work," said South African Twitter user @TendaiMzukusi. "No more Generations? Haibo... #RIOT".
Meanwhile, Nelson Mandela has lent his voice to the proceedings, calling Zuma's speech "kind of awkward".
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that the justice system depends on our Constitution You know, that kind of important document I signed in 1994? Awks, Jacob," he said before donating millions to a charity aimed at helping orphans.
And in a statement released this morning, even Zuma's lawyers have aired some worries. "The so-called 'White Man's way' includes things like, oh, i don't know, acquittals in rape trials, corruption trials, and international Arms Deal scandals. If those no longer count for anything, there's a chance that this might backfire."
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(Scary fact: the first three paragraphs are real RSA news)
For more information on why I'm so against this, read: http://uncut.indexoncensorship.org/2012/10/south-africa-anc-rewarms-apartheid-era-court-bill-that-will-silence-women/
and
http://www.thoughtleader.co.za/christivanderwesthuizen/2012/03/08/traditional-courts-bill-colonialism-warmed-up/
and
http://www.lrg.uct.ac.za/usr/lrg/docs/TCB/2012/ARD_factsheet_final.pdf
and
http://www.thoughtleader.co.za/christivanderwesthuizen/2012/03/08/traditional-courts-bill-colonialism-warmed-up/
and
http://www.lrg.uct.ac.za/usr/lrg/docs/TCB/2012/ARD_factsheet_final.pdf
