"We're misunderstood" - SAPS

The Shoot And Pulverise South Africans Force  (also known as the Safeguard America's Platinum Supply) (SAPS) has this morning released a statement saying that, in light of recent media controversy, they are just misunderstood by a "wicked media".

According to the statement, the police were operating under self-defence, pointing out that new video footage has confirmed that the mostly unarmed protesters were armed with over five guns, were equipped with the latest Close Quarters melee weapons, including highly-advanced sticks and knobkerries, and were also shouting really, really loudly and were "very scary".  Early reports also state that many of the protesters were treated with a special muti to make them impervious to bullets. 

These brutal weapons are the result of over a thousand years of Research and Development.

"Studies that we made up have shown that this muti even more powerful than the bulletproof tactical gear we all wore, It is a well-known fact that the only weak-point in this new, medically-tried-tested-and-proven muti is to shoot them in the back and at close range," said officer Ghetaway Wiffmurdah. 

"It was a very dangerous situation, because there were only 100 of us, and we only had tear-gas, rubber bullets and water cannons. We were forced to whip out our Muti-penetrating rounds," he said.

According to Police reports, weapons like the knobkerrie is one of the latest developments in hand-to-hand combat, and are dangerously effective against bulletproof tactical riot gear. Their brutal efficiency on the battlefield (as viciously demonstrated as recently as 1854) is surpassed only by the deadly nailclippers feared by Federal Marshals on US aeroplanes, and rocks.

 "We are not animals," the police commissioner told the Marikana commission of inquiry when questioned about the sincerity of her apology to the families of the 34 mine workers shot dead by police on August 16 last year during a strike at Lonmin’s Marikana mine.

 Police scientists agree.  

"Further scientific testing has objectively shown that animals cannot, in fact, hold guns of any kind, making her statement absolutely true," said Ben Dintruth, PhD.

 

SAPS have provided lots of photographic evidence that shows their real media image, which has been skewed very negatively indeed.

 

The SAPS have also recently come under fire (no, not literally) with allegations of torture, such as video footage of police forcing a man to roll down the road - allegations they have been quick to deny. 

"It wasn't what it looked like," explained Head spin doctor Preyse Relees. "What you're seeing is merely a new community intiative between police and the community. We help them to get in shape with new, cutting-edge fitness programs, including the 400m road-roll."

The police have similarly defended other controversies, such as the death of Andries Tatane in April 2011.

 "It's a well-known fact that he was a Maths teacher. Investigation officers on the scene discovered Weapons of Math Deduction in his house," said Relees. 

Meanwhile, the ANC has also been criticised for its placement of cronies in the police service - figures who have been accused (or even convicted) of crime.

"That's the point," said ANC spokesperson Nhepho Tism. "Send a crook to catch a crook. If you think like them, half your work is done."

However, the ANC and SAPS officials have been quick to point out that, should anyone be found to have played a part in the recent controversies, the repercussions would be "the most severe that we have given yet."

Official sources say that they would start off with a stern talking-to, with serious offenders getting as much as three slaps on the wrist.

In unrelated new, the South African Department of Clocks and Calenders has advised all South Africans to set their clocks back 30 years.

UN to solve "first-world" problems

In a press statement early this morning, the African member-states of the United Nations have announced their decision to move focus from the third world and send aid to start the long process of resolving so-called "first-world" problems.

"All we've had to deal with is hunger and war," said DRC UN Representative Jake Geffries.

"Every day the media bombards us with pictures of traffic jams, internet outages, bad weather, and stories of a guy forgetting to put his microwave higher than the defrost setting before he putting in his two-minute noodles. They've helped us with out problems - it's about time we paid them back," he said.

Images like these have driven thousands of African Nationals to donate to charities such as the Darfur Action Group for Woman Who Accidentally Poke Themselves In The Eye With Their Mascara Brush.

It's a move that has been met with support by the first-world member-states.

"We've been thinking about our impact on places like Darfur Somali, and Rwanda, and many, many other war-torn and poverty- and famine-stricken areas of the world over the last 67 years, and we have come to the conclusion that these places are only slightly less effed than they were when we went in," said UN Secretary General Sendie Nade.

According to Nade, the problems at home have meant that their efforts in other countries have seen little transformation effected.

"The endless aid and piles of money just aren't working, How can we take the splinter out of their eye, when there's a giant log sticking in ours?"

Jessica Maybel, 9, from Nantucket, South Carolina, is just one of the many
who will receive much-needed aid.

According to head of the new movement, Fraish Prespecktif, they plan to create a special taskforce that goes in to deal with the trauma of living in the first-world.

"This new task team will use a special Hashtag alert system on twitter, namely #firstworldproblem, This will allow our agents to pinpoint these gross human rights violations and sweep in on them in real time," he said.

The task force already has a huge stack of documents outlining their plan of action.

"We'll start with making sure that bottles and jars are really, really easy to open, and then work our way into creating a less noisy brand of popcorn to eat during movies, before going on to making sure lecturers don't rub their notes off the blackboard before you've finished taking them down," said Taskforce Coordinator James Peak.

It is a move that has caused thousands of medically-insured, well-fed, decently-housed and comfortable Americans to sigh in relief.

"Every year, thousands of Americans are annoyed by massive social and economic issues," said IT specialist Swetin Smalstuf. "These range from the insidious not being able to tear the cellophane wrapping off their online purchases, to the horrifying having ten cents less than they need for a Flava-Burst Cherry Smoothie."

Even Africans have supported it. "It's about time the UN tackled a problem that they might not take 67 years to fix," said Ugandan Erik Myandando, who actually doesn't live in a hut in the middle of the Serengeti with lions and shit.

However, the UN has their work cut out for them.

"We'll start with the insidious business of child kidnapping that happens year in and year out," said Head Project Manager Tim Burkins. "We hope that, by the end of this year, Angelina Jolie and Madonna will get their kids from normal, American orphanages."