Following the discovery of mismanagement and abuse of funds, equipment and their Code of Conduct, world-renowned British Secret Service Agency MI6 has ordered one of their most noted agents to reimburse them and the state.
Head of the MI6, Miss M (no surname), said in a press conference this morning that their leading agent and covert operative Mr Bond James Bond has been ordered to pay almost £12 million back to the agency.
“For a number of years now we have exercised a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy with the majority of our agents’ expenditure and behaviour in the field, and we’ve always thought the outcomes of their missions more important than the sums spent to achieve them,” she said. “But this is becoming ridiculous.”
M said that Mr Bond’s expenses account when out in the field was “exorbitantly high and completely out of proportion”.
“Something must be done to curb this wastefulness,” she said. “Every mission, we have to pick up the tab on endless Whiskeys, Dry Martinis shaken not stirred, and massive gambling debts – and we won’t even mention the condition he returns his Agency-issue equipment in, if he returns it at all!”
Quartermaster for the Agency, Q (also no surname), agreed with The Agency’s decision, saying that Bond’s reputation of carelessness and recklessness was costing British taxpayers millions of pounds a year.
“I work my ass off making these gadgets and disguised weapons so that his mission will be a success,” said Q. “Laser-beam watches, exploding pens, grappling-hook cellphones, gas-grenades disguised as two-pound coins – it doesn’t matter what ingenious contraption I devise. If he bothers to return it, it’s usually irreparably damaged. A little respect would be nice.”
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| Bond's excessive love of plastic surgery has hit taxpayers hard. |
Also hitting the taxpayers’ wallets was Bond’s overly excessive love for plastic surgery.
“Every few years, it’s like we’re getting a different Bond. He has his face and voice altered every couple of missions, and we have to pay for those expensive treatments as well as the cover stories to match it. I don’t even know who he is anymore: one minute he’s a throaty-baritone Scotsman going under the pseudonym ‘Connery’, and the next he’s a wiry, silver-haired Englishman under the passport name ‘Craig’. I can barely keep up.”
This is not the first bit of controversy to engulf the long-time secret agent, however, after recent calls by the Agency forced him into a rehabilitation and treatment program for drugs, alcohol and sexually transmitted diseases.
“It’s been an issue for year now – he’ll get hammered while on the job, and then invariably bang some Russian secret agent whose name is a weak sexual innuendo,” said the Agency’s statement. “But we’re pleased to report Mr Bond is making steady progress.”
The Agency is still cautious about the controversial operative, and has as a precautionary measure introduced a new set of gadgets so that Mr Bond does not sink back into his old ways.
“Our Quartermaster is now making all sorts of clever devices,” they said. “Including a breathalyser disguised as a ball-point pen, and a watch that dispenses condoms and a six-week course of antibiotics.”
