Hipster confused for homeless man, arrested, mistreated

The Appeals Court has this morning ordered the South African Police Service (SAPS) to publically apologise and pay damages to 23-year-old blogger, Instagram user, and vinyl aficionado Ray Trou-Huntergrowd, after they confused him for a homeless man and wrongfully arresting him last weekend.

SAPS said in a statement that it was "really sorry about the whole thing" and that "they would never willingly arrest, beat or shoot a hipster."

"Shooting, arresting, beating or discriminating against anyone who isn't actually homeless or destitute or who, say, works in a mine is just against our Code of Conduct," said Chief of Police Sal Vznokrimes. "I mean, I haven't read the it, but I'm pretty sure we have one and I'm also pretty sure that it says that somewhere inside it."

Police say spotting the difference is "almost as hard
as those damn Where's Wally things"
pic- WeKnowMemes

However, he added that it "wasn't really their fault, I mean, come on, anyone would have made that mistake", saying that without the signature tell-tale sign of expensive Apple electronics on them, there was "really no difference between the two kinds of people."

"Seriously," said Vznokrimes, "he had fingerless gloves, ripped and faded jeans, a worn T-shirt that is apparently 'ironic' and a cardigan that your grandfather threw away in 1963 because it was too ratty... how could we really have known?"

Trou-Huntergrowd, however, has defended his dress sense, saying that "those aren't dirty, old rags, but actually high-end vintage retro items of counterculture fashion costing thousands of Rands" and that "dressing like all my friends according to a very specific subcultural stereotype is how I express my individualistic non-conformity to societal norms."

"You'd be surprised how much money it costs to look this poor," he added.

A traumatised Trou-Huntergrowd told reporters from Muse and Abuse his harrowing tale, saying that he was glad justice could be served.

"I was on my way back home from that little Thai eco-food initiative kitchen that no one else knows, just eating my low-fat, non-dairy, animal-product-free and vegan-friendly soy-lentil pesto with eco-friendly, fair-trade avocado and low-GI, gluten free ciabata, when they [Two officers from the SAPS] stopped me."

"Seeing my meal, they asked me what bin I had dug it out of. When I told them about the tiny Thai joint down Albert street, they told me they'd never heard of it," he said, "which was kind of the whole point. Then they judged my clothes - you know, not like the way I do, ironically - but in a hurtful way without the snarky anti-capitalist class commentary, and told me that loitering and vagrancy was a crime. When I told them I'm actually a food blogger and social media commentator on pertinent socioeconomic issues, as well as a reviewer for local indie garage bands, they sneered and said 'so you *are* unemployed?' and roughly snapped me in cuffs."

Things went from bad to worse at the police station.

"It was awful. They took a mugshot of me and didn't even use a filter. Also, it's only on the Police Internal Database, so I can't share it on my Instagram account. To add insult to injury, the only Hashtag they used was #529391-01-2014, which was in the CASE NUMBER field. How will that confusing hashtag ever trend?"

Trou-Huntergrowd says he is happy with his undisclosed damages package, and now thinks that perhaps his short visit to jail might have been a blessing in disguise.

"Everyone there is so counter-culture, they completely reject this nonsensical society we have to live in with its arbitrary rules and laws. The clothes are so retro chic, but they're also Ironically Penitentiary Couture whilst at the same time critiquing the blase and almost cliche jail fashion sense. The food is actually pretty tasty, and apparently if I make any crafts or ethnically-inspired jewellery, metalwork, craft or licence plates in the Prison Shop, I can make as much as 3 cents an hour for it, which is approximately in the region of 3 cents an hour more than my existing line of Ethnically-inspired jewellery, handmade crafts and license plates make on my website."

He has, however, said that he won't go back.

"I might have gotten a very warped non-grammatically correct definition of what constitutes irony from Alanis Morrisette, but even I could see how my friends would roll their eyes at me," he said. "Besides, being in jail is too mainstream, even for a white South African Male like me."

Julius Malema actually a black Jesus

Thousand of South Africans and millions of Christians around the world wept for joy this evening, after revelations affirming the age-old prophesy of the return of Jesus Christ came true in the form of Julius Malema.

"It took us a while to realise that the loud-mouthed controversy-machine was actually our Dear Lord and Saviour, the Blessed, the Holy Trinity, The Son of God Jesus Christ," said one teary-eyed Christian who had been whispering to herself before bed for the return of our Lord ever since her parents told her which bearded sky dude was the right one, "but once you really think about it, it isn't so hard to come to grips with. The signs are there."

Many theologians and clerical officials have since confirmed that Malema is, in fact, our Messiah.

"If you look at that tome of proven historical fact, our literal instruction manual for our lives here on Earth - the Bible - you can see that Jesus took five fishes and three loaves of bread and divided it again and again to feed thousands," said Biblical Expert Levi Tikus. "Julius, in much the same way, takes a measly government salary and turns it into expensive houses, fancy cars and expensive watches. It's a modern day miracle."

Tikus went on to point out many other similarities that were definitely proof that Malema was Christ come again.

"Jesus was crucified, dead and buried, and yet he rose again on the third day," he said, "and if we look at Julius's political career, he was crufied by the ANC and the mass media, left for dead in the desert of social ostracisation, and yet is back, bigger and badder than ever, the head of his own new burgeoning band of red-bereted disciples. Also, Jesus was kind, compassionate, caring and forgiving, and - I know it might seem like he isn't, but it's true - Julius, beneath the false layer of Shoot the Boer and his controversial hate speech charges, Julius is just a really caring, sweet guy who wants nothing more than peace and forgiveness and SARS to leave him alone."

He also added that literally, we aren't kidding, no satire in this sentence, "if you google 'Jesus in a beret, it comes up with pictures of Julius.'"

The ANC, however, have reacted to this with scorn and derision.

"He isn't Jesus," they said, denying our Lord and Saviour and earning themselves a lower pit in hell than the one that Satan had already reserved for them. "Jesus was a carpenter, and I think we all know how old Juju gets along with Woodwork. JC? More like GG."

The ANC went on to brand him and all those who followed him "counterrevolutionary sell-outs".

"We know we say this like all the time to anyone who doesn't agree with us, but this time we really mean it. This time, it's for realsies."

Despite this stunning counter-riposte, some factions within the ANC say that the claim could be true.

"It would really all depend on what the claim would mean for us as a people, and as a political party," said chief whip for the ANC Lujius Lamema. "If he is Jesus, then that would make the ANC a kind of religion, and Zuma a kind of de facto God. If that is so, this could have huge repercussions. Firstly, we shouldn't pay taxes - anything else is anti-religious, blasphemic, even - while in His Wisdom you should all still render unto ANCeasar that which is the ANC'sa. Secondly, this means that there is a divine, unknowable reason for Zuma allowing poverty, crime, rape, and vast unemployment to go unchecked despite his unending power and all-seeing greatness. After all, God does work in mysterious ways."

God, Our Heavenly Father, was unwilling to comment on the matter, but he did hint that this rebranding of the much-loved Messiah was long overdue.

"We were getting stagnant, losing followers with our old branding. We needed to shake things up a bit, show our dynamism. A black unbearded communist is about as hectic as we could go. We were thinking a gay Chinese man, but we don't want our religion led by the bad guy from Hangover 3."

Many South African, however, still deny that Melema is our Saviour Come Again, but they are reportedly unworried by threats that they'll go to hell.

"This blerrie country is going to hell anyway," they said, clutching braai tongs.

Agang realises most crucial weaknesses in elections strategy – “too honest, realistic”

Agang had a huge moment of epiphany today, after they realised and publically admitted to South African voters today that their key manifesto, political mandate and elections strategy “contained some huge flaws” and “never really stood a snowball’s chance in hell.”

“Even that metaphor doesn’t do our failure justice,” said Agang spokeperson Jake Mthuli. “Perhaps ‘A Bafana-Bafana’s chance in the World Cup’ is more accurate?”

Following the realisation, Agang had a full press conference outlining their key weaknesses and faults.

“We know exactly what we did wrong,” said Mthuli. “We told the truth. We were too realistic. That’s why we only have two seats in Parliament: we didn’t hand out endless T-shirts and fliers (even on election day, right outside the voting stations), we didn’t give anyone kickbacks or jobs that required our continued political majority rule to stay in existence, we didn’t hand out bags of maize meal to loyal voters.”

However, the endless list of critical flaws in their politicking did not stop there.

“I mean, we were outclassed on all fronts,” admitted a heart-broken and weary Mamphela Ramphele. “We realise now the error of our ways: not once did we whip out our well-thumbed race card; we didn’t emotionally blackmail our electorate; we didn’t send out a rallying call for loyalist patriotism or reactionist ‘this country is going to hell’ voting. Hell, we didn’t even use that much emotional argument or rhetoric. We campaigned honestly. We campaigned honourably. And we lost abysmally.”

In response to the announcement, however, thousands of South Africans have scoffed at the fledgling party, saying its inadequacies were far more deep-seated than those they had so far admitted. Some even questioned their leadership credentials.

“South Africa has gotten used to a certain quality, a very particular standard, of leadership,” said one political analyst. “But Ramphele and her merry band of half-wits are wholly unsuited to government. They aren’t confident or daring in spending public resources of government funds. They don’t act all self-righteous and superior to the others, as if they are the better and incorruptible party."

And to add insult to injury, he said, none of the leadership has a criminal history.

"Zuma knows that to catch a crook you have to hire a crook – which explains our cutting-edge and hugely successful police force - and that to stop corruption you have to first fully understand what corruption is and how far it can penetrate a good person’s soul. He’s like a black South African Professor Snape," he explained. "You can’t fight dark magic if you don’t know what it is, looks like, or how many houses it can build you before the people snap and impeach you. Instead they have meaningless things. Care for the country. Necessary qualifications. Education. A sound political manifesto. How are these things supposed to keep a country running smoothly?”

Another voter added that “she [Ramphele] is vastly inferior to [President Jacob] Zuma.”

“She doesn’t even have more than three wives,” he said, adding that two was “the bare minimum.” “And she declared her assets as like 50 million or something. Zuma’s house alone is creeping up on half a billion rands. Do we really want a poorer president? What will other countries think? That our widespread socioeconomic disparities and prevalent poverty extend all the way to the Big Office? We’ll be the laughing stock of Southern Africa – and that’s saying something.”

In light of the constructive criticism, Agang has sworn to shake up its election strategy, aiming to secure a much more considerable percentage of South African voters.

“Next time, we know,” said Mthuli. “Less honesty, less realism. More emotion. More statistics. More lies. More empty promises. Mandela’s face? Use it! Endless reference to the struggle which was almost two decades ago? Abuse it! We will take more journalists and cartoonists to court for defamation. We will marry more wives, take more money, build bigger houses, drive expensive-er cars with messages about social responsibility on their sides. We now know our flaws. But now we also know how to win; we know what kind of leaders South Africans not just want but need. Christians had better get ready, because if the ANC are right, Jesus is coming in just four very, very short years. Bring it.”

Ghey, 23, hospitalised after accidentally gymming legs

A Pretoria-based Boksburg man has been rushed to the Intensive Care Unit of the Netcare Pretoria East Hospital today, after accidentally working out his legs and quadriceps this morning at the local gym he goes to every day to shout at himself while benchpressing.

Planet Fitness JusyGymPlanet manager Peck Toreals said that he first noticed something wrong with 23-year-old Ben Schpresse when he saw him approach the Leg Press machine at approximately 9:32am this morning.

"I was putting away all the weight these guys never put away when I saw him walk up to the machine and throw his towel on it," he said. "I was immediately concerned for Ben. I thought he might be having a schitzoprenic episode or a stroke. He avoids that section of the gym like he avoids the Correctly Sized Men's Workout Vests section at the Affliction Shop, like he avoids eye contact with other okes' binnets at H20 when he isn't surrounded by his mates, like he avoids the Caution Health Warning stickers against triple-stacking Creatine Monohydrate with Nitroforce Explode Gannick Pre-Workout and Illegal training supplements."

Schpresse said in a statement that the machine's muscle guide
was "all in flippen Roman gibberish" and "it looked like a
really schweet huge arm also just with like a lank big hand
at the bottom.

Toreals also said that he was concerned about Scpresse's safety on the machine.

"It's laak flippen' covered in dust and cobwebs," he said. "I didn't even know if it was still working. Maybe the cable had rusted away from disuse."

However, Schpresse has since defended his actions, saying that it is the gym's fault.

"The flippen' machine looks like all the other machines, and instead of saying 'CAUTION THIS WILL WORK YOUR LEGS AND LOWER BODY THEREBY MAKING YOUR DAK FLIPPEN SCHWEET UPPER BODY LOOK LESS AWESOME AND ATTRACTIVE' it has some kak Latin words or something, like I'm supposed to know what a Quadriceps Femoris is?"

Doctors say even though Schpresse weighs a normal 96kgs, almost 93.6 percent of that mass is located above where testicals should be instead of decimated raisins, making bone collapse inevitable. The damage to his body, say Doctors, is extensive, and that it will be a long, long road to recovery.

"As you can see from these medical pictures that Medical Law doesn't allow me to show you, there was massive, subdural extranomagigogeic fratusions to the dessicated wallnuts law forces us to call 'calf muscles', as well as hemonomal subfarctuations and dendroblalemicosial hyrogection in those guitar strings we are similarly forced to call his Quads," said Doctor May Ksupwerds. "There also might be SubNeologistic Portmanteaunia in his ankles, but at this stage I can't be sure - partly because I'm not a real doctor and also partly because we have yet to find any muscle in that particular region."

However, he said that it was probably an understandable mix-up that caused the whole debacle.

"Tried, tested and proven medical textbooks tell us that the ankle bone's connected to the, shin bone, the shin bone's connected to the, leg bone, the leg bone's connected to the, back bones, and that finally the back bone is connected to the, schweet pectorals bone. It's a fallacy of logic that hits lots of okes. Not that he would be able to remember what a phallus should really look like."

Ksupwerds added that Scpresse might be wheelchair bound for anything up to three years - a prospect that actually excites the ICU patient.

"That means two things," he said from his hospital bed where lank unschweet grohl binnets give him food that has laak fokall protein in it. "First, every day is arms day, boet! Flip, going to the gym will be half the workout in itself. And secondly, if okes try chune me about skipping legs day, I can tell them they're being racist against wheelchair okes."

Planet Fitness has since banned and removed all legs machines, not that any of its members will even notice.

Activision and Call of Duty Lead Creative Director part ways

Citing "irreconcilable creative differences", videogames development and publishing giant Activision stunned thousands fans of being called a faggot and a retard and a fuckstain by twelve-year-olds while playing samey first-person shooters online today, after they announced that their head creative executive, production director and lead script writer three-year-old Scott Harrelson had split from the company.

Harrelson, who is showing remarkable improvement in his fine motor skills coordination and excellent efforts in fingerpainting at Fairview Pre-primary, has been the script writer and creative coordinator for a number of Call of Duty games now, and is credited with having thought up "most of the games anyway".

"He was a genius," recalled one graphics designer who worked under the pudgy and yet talented hand of Harrelson. "He would walk into the room and see what we'd done and be like 'more explosions! More car chases! Googoogaga!' before gurgling to himself in contentment and demanding his din-dins. He knew just what our games needed, what kind of cutting-edge, emotional and moving narratives and original gameplay we had to provide to the high-level intellect that we cater for."

However, the unnamed source added that there had always been tensions between the director's genius and the company he worked for .

"I think he was leaps and bounds ahead in terms of creative skills," said Jake Henderson, who reminded us of his wish to remain nameless before we assured him that his name would not appear in print. "They wanted only minor aesthetic changes that they could overhype three months before release date – like the mostly contextually-based and undercapitalised two-level addition of a partner dog, or limited on-rails vehicle levels."

Henderson, whose name we have just realised that we accidentally published, said that this difference led to discontentment and strife in the working place.

"I think Harrelson was starting to get depressed at how childish and puerile, how stagnant the game was becoming," he said. "I mean, killing endless waves of the same ethnicities with slightly different guns each year can only entertain a kid for so long. I think Activision just weren't ready to embrace the profound philosophies of Scott's young, developing mind."

Though Harrelson denies this, he had suggested that he is moving on to find 'more challenging, more mentally-testing' work, like "macaroni crafting" or "putting the coloured blocks into the right holes".

In reaction to the statement, Activision have said that the development studio has not suffered any drastic changes or hurdles, and are working on a new Call of Duty game whose video would be "controversially leaked" just as soon as they had thought of a "single game element [we] can overhype to make it look like much of the game hinges around that original and brand-new idea instead of just small, restricted stretches of individual levels."

IGN and gamespot have given the game, which is set to come out in two years, a perfect score of eighteen out of ten.

"We were going to put their big fat triple-A title cock in our mouths anyway, why not save us all some time?" they said in a post-pre-review interview. "Besides, you're going to buy this goddamn game anyway no matter what we say, so why even bother waiting three years to see if you agree with our opinion?"

The game, which features ROBOTS OH MY GOD AND KEVIN SPACEY zOMG, goes on Record-Breaking-Pre-sale next year before being delayed and then delayed again and then having some elements rushed so they can release just in time for Christmas.

"I'm actually a total pussy" admits man in Tap Out shirt

Following increasing feelings of guilt and shame, Johannesburg resident, Blue Bulls fan and training supplement addict Johannes Berger admitted to reporters that this morning that, despite his 3-sizes-too-small Tap Out gym shirt, totally schweet pecs, seeming violent disposition and tribal barbed-wire tattoos on both arms, he was, in fact, "a total pussy."

"Laaike, you maaight think that I'm laaike this lank angry oke, bru," he said in a statement yesterday morning, "but actually I'm a cowardly , homophobic-and-yet-strangely-homoerotic guy who hides behind the image of a boet you don't mess with. Brutha."

He pushed through his wretched sobs to explain how his social image and the corresponding peer pressure of his screaming-in-the-gym friend circles were forcing him to live a lie.

"The other night at the bar where I go to not enjoy myself and try to start fights, this oke's eyes momentarily passed over my chick and I was forced to do that whole 'what the flip are you flippen' looking at, china? You checkin' my chick, bra? You should chew a brick 'cos you'll lose less teeth that way, guy.' It almost turned into a fight, which I definitely would have lost, even though he was a head shorter than me, much smaller than me and was by himself thereby making him the perfect fighting target for me an my eight friends."

Berger, who has no formal training or experience in boxing, self-defence, fighting or any form of martial arts, including that TapOut MMA crap, said it was only the 'hold me back, okes, or i'll klap this flippen boet' that prevented him from getting the utter crap beated out of him.

"It was a close call," he said. "I've never even been in a fight before, even though I own a small country's GDP worth of Affliction and TapOut Tees."

Berger went on to say that although he has been keeping up a very convincing facade for almost 23 years now, it is only a matter of time before his friends discover how much of a gutless yellow-bellied sack of shit he really is.

"I've already got the crap tattoos, too-taaight kiff gym vest and schweet biceps - there isn't anything more, unless I buy an orange-magged Subaru that is strangely too small for me." he said. "I can't do anything more to prove my boytjiehood. One small slipup and I'm done for."

His friends could not be reached for comment, as they were all too busy screaming at each other by the benchpress section for "one more, boych, come on, push it!".

Girl no longer hot enough to jump queue, get her essays done by someone else

pic:impathilm
Pichost.me

Today was a bad day for 23-year-old part-time waitress and student Jessica Heiders, after the Court of Public Opinion ruled in favour of Men Everywhere’s claim that the defendant, Heiders, was “not really all that hot any more” and no longer “good looking enough” to warrant the continued acts of desperate males stooping to social lows in an attempt to escape the friendzone and get with her.

Though Heiders used to be hot enough to get away with anything (like many other reported women) the Counsel for the Prosecution argued that she was no longer considered by “a lot of guys we know” as “actually all that bangable anymore” and so no longer qualified for her various I’d-Tap-That privileges.

“We live in a society of constantly shifting agreements of which women met the strict criteria of our white, idealised notions of beauty,” said lead prosecutor Ayam de Villes-Zadvokat. “There are only so many girls we can let pretend we’re good enough friends for them to jump the queue at Friars or any nightclub, only for us to be dropped within seconds for someone else who happens to be closer to the douche bouncer and his prized entrance.”

De Villes-Zadvokat went on to add that “there was really only so much extra homework we can do for other people in hopes of us getting in there”.

Many men have agreed.

“It’s been months now of me listening to her blathering-ons, opening the door for her, being polite and kind and complimentary, and just generally being really nice to her,” said 23-year-old fellow French student who sometimes does her translation assignments Charl Louw, “and still she hasn’t slept with me. I’m beginning to think she’s taking advantage of my honest, sincere friendship.”

Now after months of trial hearings and scathing cross-examination, the Court ruled that men should no longer do her Politics assignments or be understanding or sympathetic when she’s really just being an irrational bitch to you.

“The evidence speaks for itself,” said Justice Jimmy Haders, pointing out Louw’s Formula of Attractivenes. “If we look at the objective science, she just isn’t worth it anymore.”

He continued.

“I know a lot of you used to be okay with her droning on about her tedious and empty life of meaningless and ultimately irrelevant problems with her drug-addict father and depressed mother because you totally want to hit that, but this is no longer acceptable. She doesn’t meet the basic subminimums for this sort of preferential special treatment.”

The controversial precedent for Men vs Heiders, 2014 has now been set and the Court’s decision may have far reaching implications for women and men everywhere.

“Every day, thousands of men around the world treat certain women with more patience and kindness than their lesser, inferior, lower-than-a-low-seven counterparts,” he said. “No longer. Now the world has become a slightly more equal place.”

Heiders, however, has since lodged an appeal with the Supreme Court, but inside sources say her application has little chance of success.

“The judge in charge of submissions is really busy with a whole bunch of other legal matters,” they said, asking not to be named because they were pretty much making all this up as they went along. “Besides, there’s this totally smoking babe in the Courtroom - Chelsea, god, bro, you should see her, you’d die - and she asked him to fill in a little bit of paperwork for her if he wasn’t too busy, nothing too serious, just a couple of full legal applications in triplicate. And so he’ll be busy with that.”

Heiders, however, remains heartbroken at the decision.

“This is terrible!” she wept in bitter and impotent rage. “However will I get by without hundreds of spineless men whose lack of talent, charm, charisma or real sexual attraction forces them to try get into my pants with meaningless acts that anyone can do? Without these guys, who assume that doing said acts automatically requires me to sleep with them, however will I cope?”

Girl “really starting to abuse” guy’s friendship

A local area man is reportedly at the end of his tether today, after he told reporters that Jessica Heiders, 23, who still hasn’t slept with him despite his kind actions and thoughtful attitude towards her for a number of years now, is starting to abuse his “sincere and honest friendship.”

Eric Jackson says he first met the part-time student and full-time heartless ice queen at a school social between their high schools three years ago. According to Jackon, he was immediately smitten.

“She was as beautiful as an overused comparative metaphor that describes how beautiful something is,” he said. The romantic and spontaneous meet-cute between them, when he tagged along with his mates to meet a bunch of chicks, was definitely true love, he recalls. “She spoke to me and she had a Y chromosome - she was perfect! Plus we like ALL the same things. She likes the Beatles and I like the Beatles. She likes food – holy crap, I looooove food. She loves Taylor Swift, oh my god, I absolutely love pretending that I love Taylor Swift!”

It was only after they ended up at the same university, however, that he knew it was really meant to be.

“I mean, of all the tertiary education institutes to apply for to read for a degree in Journalism and Media Studies, she picks Rhodes University. What are the CHANCES?!?!?!”

Jackson’s hopes, however, were soon dashed, after Heiders started showing her exploitative, manipulative colours.

“Every morning at Res Breakfast for the past three years now I’ve sat with her and chatted about her dreams and her ambitions in life, her deepest fears and anxieties, her struggles with her alcoholic dad and her depressed mom, and also about where she sees herself in ten years not just as a career woman, but as a fully-fledged being in this mixed-up and confusing world,” he said, “and still she hasn’t slept with me. I just don’t get it.”

He added that to date not a single even vaguely sexual action had occurred between them – this even despite him writing about her in his diary on a daily basis, and composing long, multi-stanza poems dedicated to her.

“She can’t see honest and sincere I am, that I would never want to hurt her and how I’m always there for her,” he said to reporters. “Instead she just hooks up with all these other douchebags. Like, guys who play musical instruments or have so-called ‘confidence’ and who waste all their time playing sports and doing gym stuff. I mean, what do they have that I don’t? You know, except self-confidence, anything vaguely classifiable as ‘sex appeal’ or knowledge of how poetry should be written beyond a cliché and monotonous A-A-B-B-C-C flat rhyme scheme?”

Jackson has now told reporters that he is no longer sure whether or not being a true friend with no ulterior motives is a good strategy for having a right proper shag with her.

“I just don’t know anymore,” he said. “Maybe I should start being an arsehole? Like, only pretend to care about her as a person while all time the only thing I want to do is have a cheap shag? That’s what all those other moron douche kings do to her.”

However, many of his friends have strongly defended him, saying that it is not his fault, but that the blame rests entirely on her leading-him-on shoulders.

“All these years of being her shoulder to cry on, the guy who will never betray her, and still she hasn’t even touched his dick. Clearly, the bitch doesn’t understand the concept of romantic feelings towards other people,” they said in a joint statement. “Everyone knows that when you like a person that much then that person is obliged to return those feelings. Simple.”

Starting tomorrow, Fuller is now set to embark on long, snide rants about giving up on love in the face of her heartless and hurtful apathy, before moving on to spouting embittered and ennui-fuelled diatribes of cognitive dissonance later this week, mostly about how he “didn’t even really like her that much anyway.”

Dr Seuss books to be “modernised” for a new generation

The literary world was taken by storm this morning, after publishers in the United Kingdom announced that the much-loved and classic tongue-twisters of wordplay genius Dr Seuss will be remade to suit a more “contemporary generation of children”.

“These are fantastic works that anyone will remember fondly stumbling over as they tried to read them out loud,” said CEO of publishing giant Struik Publishing, Ruaan Alderboeks, “but sadly, in their original form, they just no longer apply to the interwebz-fluent midget Ritalin junkies were are forced by law to call our children.”

Struik and Random House Publishing now say that many beloved Seuss books will now be edited with “minor modifications” to make them more suited to the current generation.

As a gesture to readers across the world, Struik has given Muse and Abuse a sneak preview of the first in the modernised series, Sam-I-Spam, the contemporary tale of Sam, who now loves Green Eggs and Ham, but clogs up your newsfeed of Instagram pictures of this new foodie love every goddamn time he eats it.

“We’re sticking true to the old ways, but making it more modern, more cutting edge, more insert-euphemism-here-y,” he said, before adding that many other reworkings were in the pipeline, including Firefox in Sox (the tale about a web browser struggling to win a majority marketshare), Oh The Things You Will See (an ode to turning Off SafeSearch), and The Kitten In The Shoe, the heart-warming and far less creepy story about the internet’s most beloved animal.

Now, sit back, relax, and skim over this world first in a new age of poetry!

Green Eggs and Spam

I am Sam
Sam I am
I spam spam,
Spam I spam.

That Sam-I-am!
That spam he spams!
I do not like that Sam-I-am!

Do you like
blog posts and spam?
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.
I will not read the reposts you spam.

Would you like them
here or there?
Via email, Facebook, Twitter -
anywhere?

I would not like them
here or there.
I would not like them anywhere.
I do not want on Facebook please,
Your religious reference to 3:10 Ecclesiastes:
do l look like a Jesus fan
that appreciates your God-based Bible rant?
And I do not want your Buzzfeed junk -
the List-icle equivalent of a dead, rotting skunk -
all collated, aggregated, uncreative,
Steals traffic from content-producers in a way that’s blatant.
If I do say so myself:
“24 ways Buzzfeed is repetitive as hell”.
The monotony you call your “clever tweets”
I will unfollow, unfriend, delete.
Your blogspot.com inane debate
has become quite boring of late.
Besides, I’m only one of eight lonely readers,
and when your words hit my brain it’s like you’re trying to bleed it;
I will not read it, Sam-I-am:
not if it were the last blog in the all the land.
The Instagram tedium you incessantly punt,
makes you look like a shallow, selfie-loving c… er… character.
You abuse too many hashtags in every single pic,
and frankly, Sam, it makes me sick.
And the comments you leave all over News24:
Well, we can see how edgy they are - they’re all ignored.
And like it or not, you know it is true,
One-word tweets even have more character than you.

But what about my pics from overseas?
Will you like them on Facebook, comment, please?
This photo of me by a Dutch house?
Here I am at Disneyland with Mickey Mouse!

I do not like them,
not one bit.
About Eurotrip photos,
I could not give a shit.
I don’t like you next to what is simply just a house.
I do not like you next to a douche capitalist mouse.
I do not like them
here or there.
Long story short?
NO ONE CARES.

I do not like
the spam you spam,
I do not like it,
Sam-I-am.

Would you retweet them,
tag me please?
There’s even a ‘share’ button
to increase the ease!

Not on a PC.
Not on a Mac.
Not on any network,
You Zuckerberg twat.
I would not share them
here or there,
disseminate your mediocrity anywhere:
Not a car;
Not a train;
Not in sun;
Not in rain;
I would not read your unceasing spam -
I do not like it, Sam-I-am.

I do not like them, Sam-I-am.
I do not like
your tedious and repetitive attempts at web-based depth,
using frankly laughably inadequate and empty microblogging platforms to discuss of what are usually
complex and multifaceted issues requiring more than just a simplistic, text-focused approach
to fully critique and deconstruct,
Sam-I-am.

New Rhodes campus newspaper causes stir

The boring campus news scene got an injection of fresh blood and excitement last week, after a bunch of first years who do journalism kind of put their heads together and worked long, frustrating hours to increase the number of student-driven publications that all students can ignore or make fun of by one.

The hotly-debated newspaper, which has been lovingly dubbed “the Regressive”, has been described by many students as “an exciting paper” that “gets the stories we want to read, with all those juicy, saucy details you never see in other newspapers”.

“We just love it,” said one student who got all the way to the second page of the newspaper, a campus record. “Most other papers just concentrate on water crises or boring student stuff and miss out on the important issues. Also, it doesn’t have lots of boring, distracting pictures to draw your eyes away from the insightful, cutting-edge news analysis and commentary. One picture per page and a whole A3 of five-column, font-size-12 text: just what newsreaders love to pieces!”

pic: Flickr.com, Saaleha Bamjee,
https://www.flickr.com/photos/saaleha/6871692605/

The newspaper has since been lauded by Journalism and Media Studies lecturers at the Africa Media Matrix journalism school as “the controversial pioneer of a new kind of post-traditional journalism.”

“Most other newspapers tend to lose traction in hard-hitting reportage because they abide by so-called and overrated ‘news values’ and ‘journalistic integrity’, which stem from the dark ages of print publications and are still around even today,” said the paper’s editor Cherr Nalism. “They use too-fancy typography and too many pictures, which really takes away from the deeper intricacies of the stories and the hidden facts that are crucial to their reportage, like what a murder victim’s two-year old son looks like and what his name is, or why that guy from UCT was entirely justified in committing acts of violence against other people, male or female.”

Nalism added that they wanted to steer away from “media churn fodder” that is “overreported and soulless” and instead focus on the critical and localised grassroots issues that affect the Grahamstonian and Rhodent.

“Our media and the international media tend to overbloat and homogenise content to just one or two stories with no real creativity or importance,” said Nalism. “But we bring to you deeper coverage of the really important stuff that isn’t all over the news every damn day. Things like the little-known and entirely relevant Oscar Pistorius murder trial, or one particular person’s opinion on how Hip Hop is dead.”

Quality, Nalism says, is also very important.

”Things like spelling and grammar just make for a credible, good paper,” he said. “if you read ours, you won’t find a single word misspeled mispelt misspelt misspelted you won’t find a single word done in a spelling that is incorrect.”

The newspaper also carries a depth of political insight and commentary that is rivalled only by established and lauded Political Science reference works, like See Spot Run or the world-famous International Politics analysis The Faraway Tree by Blyton, E et al.

The campus publication is now set to go into its second issue, and already it is making a dent in other papers’ readerships.

One such newspaper that is already feeling the brunt of this new and superior form of Journalism for Public Interestingness is the famous and established Coppie-Paste, which has been run by smug self-loving writers since making fun of your grammar was cool.

“Coppie-Paste is by now familiar to all students on campus, because of its bold and unique brand colour choice,” said student media historian Karl Bondaytin . “Not many know this, but originally they chose the colour to represent both their editorial team and their popularity on campus: it’s mostly white and only partially read.”

Many students, however, who definitely are not me and who definitely did NOT work there for four years and are certainly not biased in favour of it, defended the paper as “still the best campus newspaper”, which is kind of like deciding which brand of knife you prefer gouging your eyes out with.

The other campus contender which has felt its readership whittled down from the all-time records to just a normal readership level (from four readers to two) was the semesterly Hacked-and-Late. Though the same students in the previous paragraph say it’s “definitely more shit because reasons and my opinion”, there were many who applauded the paper’s “lesser known and wonderful qualities.”

“Every time I spill something on the floor,” said fourth-year student Jake Hardings, “every time I need put down a layer between the kitchen floor and my cat’s turds, every time I need a protective covering over glasses: who comes to my aid but those fine ladies and gentlemen at that good paper. I don’t know what I’d do without them. “

Readers wanting to check out the news in the Progressive are recommended to think about that decision whilst reading the rest of this blog.