American anti-terrorism measures stop terrorist

After years of systematic discrimination scrutiny, the United States Department of Counter-Terrorism has finally caught a terrorist.

John McCorrin, whom the media have dubbed Mohammed Al Shazir Al-Habar Muhammed Mahalamoud, was caught trying to enter the country yesterday afternoon with almost 1 kilogram of explosives. 

"The man was apprehended at Los Angeles airport with a bag of explosives in his luggage," said DCT spokesperson Miss Repree Zentation. "We can neither confirm nor deny yet whether or not the material was nuclear, but we can tell you that they all came in packages with frightening codenames."

Among the explosives found were small bombs codenamed "Roman Candles".
 
"We also found a small amount of projectname 'Tom Thumbs' and a few insidious-sounding 'Birthday Sparklers'. While we're not sure of the significance of these names, we can only assume they have something to do with rampant Islamic militant violence and democracy-hating right-wing religious facism,"  said Zentation.

Their suspicions were first raised when an alert came through on their global telecommunications monitoring network. According to senior analysts, the message sent between Mahalamoud and an as-yet unnamed accomplice was spine-tinglingly chilling. 

"I've got everything we need to finish off tomorrow night with a bang," the message read. "We're going to drop a lot of jaws with our little show. I'll see you soon, brother. Allah hu Akbar."

The system, which has been coded to pick up keywords like "bomb", "terrorist", "nuclear" and "muslim", been illegally monitoring calls, smses, and emails since before 2001. According to head of the project, Ian Ternet, this is the first time the system has picked up a media-branded confirmed terrorist.

"We usually a lot of false pings, like from any message talking about basically any video, internet post, movie or television show that has a muslim in it. We also get a lot of false hits from Star Wars," said Ternet.
 

Admiral Ackbar's name is often confused with praise to Allah, says Ternet

"You know, movies show us that terrorist carry around AK-47s, have turbans and scowling dark faces and inevitably scream "allah who allackbar" in crowded airports. It turns out that this isn't really the case all the time," said LAX arresting officer Ray Sist.

According to Sist, Mahalamoud almost snuck by airport staff by using an extremely cunning disguise. "To the untrained eye, he almost looked like an innocent, law-abiding citizen: no giant beard, no burkha, nothing. He almost got away," said Sist.

It was only after frisking twenty men who didn't have names like "Brett", "Kyle" and "Dylan" that their suspicions were aroused. "He had a very funny accent," said Sist. According to current security policy, funny accents are ground enough for a full cavity search.

However, Mahalamoud has been quick to defend himself. 

"I'm not a terrorist, for pete's sakes! I'm an architect living in Florida!" he said in an interview with those bastards from the loose, bleeding-heart, America-hating liberal leftist press.

Mahalamoud is expected to go on trial next month, with movie production for the series of events already underway. The movie, entitled "America fucks up another terrorist, booya" and starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chuck Norris and Sylvester Stallone, will hit god-fearing, gun-loving cinemas in early May.

Admiral Ackbar's name is often confused with praise to Allah, says Ternet

Name-change committee to present decision

According to a press release given out today, the committee charged with deliberating on the decision whether or not to rename Grahamstown will present its final decision tomorrow morning.

However, according to head of the committee, Will Renaimit, the decision has not been so clear-cut as many would at first believe.

"There are many issues facing Grahamstown today, such as the water problem, robbery, assault, rape and murder, but these are all subordinated to this new debate. After all, who can care about violent crime and extreme social issues - let alone do anything about it - when you can't agree on where, exactly, it happened?" he told reporters this morning.

Renaimit went on to outline the several options that the committee members have been deliberating since the name-change issue first arose.

"At first we toyed with the idea of just naming it Nelsontown, or Mandelaville, or even Madibasfontein, but we realised that might get our town confused with every street, road, stadium, shopping complex, bridge, highway, office block, university and town square that uses that overused much-loved moniker," said Renaimit.

This easy option out the window, the committee was forced to consider other alternatives.

"There's a Welsh man in our committee, and we know how fond they are of long, complicated names. He suggested that we just throw every option together, and please everyone," he said. However, after some trial runs and tests on official documents, maps and road signs, the committee decided not to rename the City of Saints, ""GrahamskanamakandhaeRhinijozingotownsbergsvillesfontein," he said.

The template for one of Grahamstown ???stown's new name

Soon after this development, tensions were high.

"We were at our wits' end," said another committee member, Rex Consile. "And then someone came up with a brilliant idea: if we choose one name above the rest, we'll only make one group happy, and everyone else unhappy. So why don't we just make everyone equally happy by making them all equally miserable with us?" According to Consile, this move came straight out of a post-2000 ANC Ministerial behaviour guidebook.

So, after almost a year of debates, fights and angry letters, the decision has been made.

"We'll make the announcement early tomorrow morning," said Consile. "We just hope that everyone's happy with the name 'ThetownthatusedtobecalledGrahamstown-town'."

*This article first appeared in Grocott's Mail under the title "A name that might stick..."

Rhodes Gym secrets finally uncovered

After years of being shrouded in mystery, the secrets of correct and effective gymming at the Rhodes University Gym have been thrust into the light by a team of researchers from the Institute of Health Science.

"At first glance, it would seem that it's just a room of people sweating and working out," said head researching Bray K. Swet. "But upon closer inspection, we can see that much of what goes on is actually scientifically formulated to increase strength and power."

With these latest discoveries, looking like this is no longer a roid-fuelled pipe dream.

According to Swet, the list of gym power-boosters is extensive - almost as long, even, as the queue for treadmills.

"Take for example the mirrors," said Swet. "By flexing your massive guns in the mirror and staring at your own biceps for at least ten minutes between sets, you can add almost 15% recovery turnover lactic acid reduction to your workout."

Swet says that this recovery boost is increased by many other aspects of gym, such as how much weight is put on the lifting bar. 

"The trick is to try a few reps at about 100kg above your maximum, just to get your muscles boosted to above-normal capacity," he said. "Terrible technique and doing the exercise in an awkward area that forces everyone to walk around you only adds to the bonus calorific-consumption boost."

The study has shown that this guy is on his way to being the next Scwarzenegger.

The study, which hit universities across the globe yesterday, has been dropping the jaws of respected sports academics around the world. Since its introduction, much light has been cast on the intricacies of repeatedly lifting heavy stuff. Ghey's Law is just one of these advances. 

This law explains the relationship between area of cotton used in clothes and strength of the wearer. 

Ghey's law explained

"In general, the relationship is inversely proportionate," explained leading sports scientist Nim Toakes. "Science, china boet my kiff bru, has shown us that the less clothes there are on your body, the more oxygen and schweet sweat your skin absorbs. However, this only goes so far: as soon as a nipple shows, the relationship bottoms out."

Ghey's Law of Inverse Proportionality shows that, thanks to optimal cotton area, this oke is going to get HUGE.

This strength boost is furthered by the presence of terrible rap music or Katy Perry remixes, and the ingestion of lengthily-named protein shakes containing unpronounceable ingredients, Toakes said. 

One example would be USN Anhydrous Monocreaload ultra extremo deep-stack H-colloid dual-action prime-layering muscle boost fuel x4000 ultra boost maxload Extreme Whey 100SLR slow-release Gleutrinoxitnyloaminide.

Even noise plays a part in the intricate and complex process of repeatedly lifting a heavy thing to make your muscles big. Dropping a weight on the ground increases stamina in relation to how high it was when you dropped it, while corresponding studies have shown that hissing like a snake throughout your workout, and then adding a little shout every now and then boosts the muscle action.

"The important thing is not that you are working out. You already know that. You need to prove it to everyone else," said Toakes.

The scientific advances are almost too numerous to count. Further studies are even suggesting that things like pretending to read reading a book or doing one rep of exercise between ten-minute BBM sessions can burn almost 2000 calories per hour.

However, Toakes stressed the importance of focusing on certain muscle groups.

"No one can see your legs, heart or lungs in Friars, so avoid things like squats and spinning. Besides, if I wanted someone screaming at me while I pedalled as fast as I can, I'd just steal a bicycle."

Traces of beef found in South African meat

Citizens across South Africa have been rocked with the sudden and shocking news that traces of beef have been found in their chicken-pork-donkey-horse meat.

Chidonporcorse, as the meat has been known for decades, is a staple in butcheries across South African. According to new research, this meat may be more beef than you think.

According to a study released by the Newman Association of Gastronomics (NAG), South African meat products on shelves in abbatoirs, butcheries and supermarkets across the country may have almost 10% beef in them. This development comes in light of parallel and equally controversial discoveries across Europe and the United Kingdom.

Earlier this week, scientists across the European continent found their horse meat to be almost 14% beef.

"We were shocked when we heard the news," said Irish construction worker Patty O'Bryan, who, let's be honest, kind of deserved it for buying mincemeat at R10 a kg.

European food scientists have decried the usage of beef as a filling meat, citing its far too-high fat and muscle content as harmful to consumers.

New research indicates that cows might have been polluting our meat for the last three decades.

"When we heard the news from our partners in similar organisations across the pond, we decided to act immediately," said head researcher behind the association's tests, Khanya Belevit. "Our findings were shocking. Over half the donkey meat sold to university residences and the lower classes of South Africa has been contaminated by pure, prime, aged fillet steak."

According to Belevit, his suspicions were first raised when he ate last Wednesday's braised club steak in Nelson Mandela Dining Hall. "You see, there's a reason braised club steak tasted like ass. Because that's what it's made of. As soon as I tasted the meat and thought, 'hmm, this isn't actually that bad', I knew something was terribly wrong."

However, beef farmers and abbatoirs have been quick to blame rising demand for their actions. It is now estimated that tens of thousands of innocent cows are slaughtered every year just to keep meat supply at a break-even level.

"It's not our fault," lied meat farmer James Slauta.

According to another Grahamstown resident and cattle farmer, Ray Zinkatil, the problems started for him with a mass migration of donkeys to the street between Bathhurst and Beauford street.

"You see, we have all these pesky cows on our farms, and a massive shortage of our usual meat-bearing donkeys. What were we supposed to do?" he asked. "We were getting tired of force-feeding all these cattle a disproportionate amount of corn that could be used to feed a far higher number of people, injecting them with harmful antibiotics, forcing them into small cages and blowing their brains out with a tiny hammer, just to get a tiny bit of meat."

Government has since launched plans to more carefully control the production of meat, with the newly formed Department of An Excuse to Spend More Public Funds Unnecessarily Meat Control releasing documents outlining their course of action.

"Our plans include plans to make plans for the future planning of planning committees that will plan to plan on initial plans for plans. Kind of like with the education crisis."

SRC reopens poster design contest

In a move that has been met with widespread approval, the Student Representative Council of Rhodes University has today reopened its infamous yearly competition for poster design, also known as an "election".

“Starting today, we’re opening up the competition for entries,” said SRC Competitions Councillor Lota Ree. “We’ve already had three entrants, and the competition is heating up! May the best poster win!”

The competition, which runs every year, judges contestants off a stringent set of criteria. However, the competition completely breaks established convention in that the judges are the students themselves.

Last year saw a flurry of big contenders who really pushed the limits on good design.

"We put all the posters up around campus for a few weeks, clog up their facebook feeds with our designs, and then we have a big campus-wide election voting process where students themselves decide which poster they love best," said Ree.

The competition has, in the past, been marred by low voter numbers. 

"Sometimes we have to run the competition two or three times a year," said Ree.

According to Ree, the panel takes into consideration where the pictures are posted and how many times they are stuck up. 

"The best contenders are often stuck up in the most obnoxious, in-your-face places, with the big-league competitors being pasted up as much as five times in a row. You know, just in case you didn't read the incorrect spellings of 'accountability' and 'Councillor' and how they're the candidate who will change the whole world the first four times," she said.

...by leaving res and resigning.

According to inside information, especially powerful submissions are those that make use of REALLY LOUD AND AGGRESSIVE BOLD CAPITAL LETTERS EVERYWHERE BECAUSE IT REALLY MAKES PEOPLE PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU’RE SAYING.

Our insider, who we made up because we can't be bothered going out on a Saturday and finding real sources to interview, also said that models in suits and short pink dresses pulling sexy or quasi-confident, pseudo-impressive power poses are a powerful tool in the competition.
"The judges also look for certain Key Words, such as 'accountability', 'honesty', 'transparency', 'change' and 'transformation'. Bad spelling and a horrific and utter disregard for grammar is a plus," he said.

Pink worked in 2012 - some students speculate that it'll be just as effective in Round Two. or Three. Or whatever.

The competition will award each of the winners with a slot in the SRC. First prize is the title of Media Councillor, with second and third being awarded Student Benefits and Residences Councillors respectively.

Due to its lack of bright colours, stupid typeface, bold lettering, Key Words, and its usage of clean photo-cropping and good layout, Sekele's poster was immediately discounted from the entries.

Unfortunately, professional designers and design students are not allowed to enter. The posters submitted are also restricted to being made with only Microsoft Paint and terrible Photoshop, with some small allowances for windows word-art and poorly cropped photos.

According to Will Bhevhoting, a first-year Bachelor of Arts student, the decision for this year’s winner is harder than ever. 

“One makes me feel like my eyes have been maced with a mixture razor blades and Autumn Harvest Crackling, and the other makes me want to vomit until I die. They really went all out this time,” he said.

Voting starts next week.