Why the SRC Grazzle doesn’t matter

For those of you expecting my usual satirical poke at Rhodes’ or the SRC’s latest shortcomings, I apologise in advance: this post is a departure from my recent tongue-firmly-in-cheek style, and for good reason. The SRC elections, I have decided, are a subject that warrant serious consideration. As much as many students would want me to believe, these elections are no joke. We are in the process of choosing people who would represent us, the entire student body, speaking with our voice.

The Grazzle last night was… long (4 hours long). Long, I say, but not a waste of time. Rather to the contrary, I found it to be crucial in my making an informed decision about who I want speaking for me next year, instead of just picking the best poster, nicest smile or catchiest catchphrase.

Though there were some fantastic candidates up on the podium, there was a lot at the Grazzle to be disappointed about. Overall, it showed the general lack of maturity on the part of us students. We complain about ineffective or ineffectual leaders in the SRC, who (as much criticism pointed out) don’t deliver on their promises, delay societies’ much-needed funds, and generally contribute to and justify the prevailing mindset of student apathy at Rhodes. But we have to remember one disconcerting fact: we’re the ones who chose these leaders.

Now, I say “immature” because that is what the air at the Grazzle was. I say “immature” because much of the Grazzle was just a spectacle: of jibes, of emotionally-driven arguments, and sometimes even personal attacks stemming from presumptive natures. One guy in front of me had even brought popcorn for ‘the show’.

We are, it seems, a student body that is easily tricked and blind-sided by demagogy and this new-age obsession with highfalutin, largely irrelevant revolutionary vocabulary. Take, for example, Malaika Mahlatsi’s opening salutation: “greetings, sons and daughters of the earth”. Her being in first year and having no real leadership qualifications, as well as her claims that “the people don’t need liberators, they shall liberate themselves” are concerning, as is her opening line: “I promise nothing”. She says that she will change the agenda to meet the needs to the people, and engage with students via various communication channels (ad SRC naseum, blah blah blah), but what kind of office will operate effectively without having a defined, clear goal that doesn’t beat around the bush?

Another problem (and one that I’ve been rightfully chided on by Jean-Michel Gaud) is loyalist voting. I’ll admit, Brad Bense is a friend of mine. Gaud’s criticism made me realised that I – no, all of us at Rhodes – need to be more critical about whose name we tick come the election day. At the Grazzle, there was much screaming and cheering for candidates whom, I’ll be honest, I hadn’t seen anything about but posters. We’re in danger of this becoming a popularity contest where unlimited printing credit is key.

We’re also immature because we get played so easily by emotionally-charged appeals. Take, for example, Carey Frazer. Running for SRC Projects Manger, she all but begged the audience for their votes in an emotionally-charged tone of near desperation. Her campaign promised to highlight “social events” and touched on that old, cliché Dean of Students chestnut of No Alcohol. What, I wanted to ask, is her drive to make campaigns and projects that matter? For the past year I have been trying – and mostly failing – to succeed in my desire to erect a Reverse-osmosis filtration unit on campus, allowing everyone at Rhodes safe, clean water and freedom from the maybe-toxic, we-don’t-really-know municipal water that tastes like an iron bar dipped in mud. The thing is, I lack the resources, official backing and contacts to make such a project simple and possible: Carey could do much more than I, and yet her biggest concern is turning the SRC into the Hellenic Society or some other such Mare central.

Another problem: “AH! SHEE! YOH!"
Words to this effect punctuated almost every response and question. Mohammed Shabangu (who really, really did a fantastic job chairing the Grazzle, his clipped and no-nonsense tone forcing questions to be concise, relevant and to-the-point) has his work cut out for him trying to keep decorum. The problem with this is that firstly, it wasted time, and secondly, it makes valid, reasonable questions seem personal attacks or it overemphasises the usefulness/relevance of the candidates’ responses. “Well, if you’d read my manifesto…” said one candidate to massive, unwarranted and unsolicited outcries, making the member of the audience seem a moron and totally deflecting the question posed. These outbursts also makes everything seem melodramatic: simple questions become massive critiques, and lead to a few storm-outs. We need, in future, to be more level-headed. This is our future, not a Drama production.

Another worry was the tendency of “When in doubt, say ‘Purple Thursday’”. A question I got to ask (to Ndana Tendayi, running for International Councillor) was, “Apart from a few intermittent celebratory weeks and the International Week celebrations, there is very little in place to fully celebrate the diversity of nationalities at Rhodes. What do you intend to put into effect to change this, and celebrate diversity more fully?”. She seemed confused for a second, as if my question were stupid, and then simply said “Purple Thursday”, to a massive, “YOH” and general, unnecessary cheers from the crowd. She had, it seemed from the audience reaction, answered the question fully. Or entertained them. I’m not sure which mattered more.
Sure, Ndana approached me after the Grazzle and discussed the matter further with me, giving me a more useful answer, but by that stage the damage had been done. Words in private will never sway the power of public words.

On the subject of answers to questions, some did their utmost best to just not answer the question, or answer with a question, or just waffle on (the French have  a nice verb, “palabre”) until the audience are too bored to care that they haven’t been answered.

There was also an unbelievably drunk guy at the back. Always a nice touch. You, sir - whoever you are - who would make a mockery of this election, are a mockery of a man. You should be ashamed of yourself.

However, the most disappointing thing about the Grazzle is that even if it changes the vote, it will only shift the results slightly. This Grazzle was one of the most attended in a long while: there were maybe just under 200 people who witnessed the proceedings, and this is only a slice of the 7000-odd students that go to Rhodes and vote. The biggest shock to my system was Sarah Price Jones, the infamous Pink Link candidate whose pink-centred campaign and controversial video caused much debate (and, I’ll warrant, was the reason so many attended the Grazzle). 

Her video paints her as ditsy and not-to-be-taken-seriously-at-all. Her speech, presentation of her values, confidence, and her responses to the questions posed, however (at least to my reckoning), were great, to-the-point and a real eye-opener. However, though I now believe that she could actually do a good job as Media Councillor, I fear that the vast majority of voters - the haters, internet trolls and incredulous students who saw the campaign but did not attend the Grazzle - will never see this side of her. In effect her campaign, I feel, has damned her, a promising candidate.

The War of SRC Elections is not won at the Battle of Grazzle, but instead at the Battle of The Poster, Catchphrase and Video.

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Here endeth the post: you may read on, if you wish, to see a little bit more detail on each candidate and my personal appraisal of their suitability for office. If you missed the Grazzle, this wouldn’t be a bad opportunity to get some notion of what they are like behind the poster.

SRC President

Brad Bense
“Umlungu”
Brad operated from a strong position of experience following his successes as 2012 Media Councillor. He is, I feel, more on-the-ground and cares passionately about student issues. His track record make him a promising candidate, and he has experience in the SRC. Only down points? His presentation was slightly flustered, and his campaign very controversial - though we have yet to be sure if it’s in a good or a bad way.

Sahke’ Badi
“Everybody needs some Badi”
Sahke’ is also an experienced individual, and didn’t seem as flustered as Brad. His speech was level, clear and to-the-point, and his answers (except for one, which was in the form of a question) were informed and relevant.

SECRETARY GENERAL

Mathaabe Thabane
A strong, promising candidate in an uncontested portfolio. An Honours student, Thabane appears experienced, outspoken and no-nonsense. Her vision for next year is thorough and builds on accountability. Flaws? Appears brash: presumed Bense was being arrogant and called him out publically on this, totally misinterpreting his words where she should have first sought clarity.

TREASURER

Alyssa Shawntay Williams
Not present at the debate.

Ntiskelelo Qoyo
Appears loved by the crowd. Promises reform on Societies funding processes, and claims that he will aim for full accountability next year. Also promised to publically publish the Financial Report in the various student media, but this is a promise that has been made and broken in the past.

ACADEMIC

Vuyolwethu Toli
An outspoken candidate who seemed popular with the audience, Vuyo seems to have a good idea of where this Portfolio should be heading if he is elected.

Victor Mafuku
A strongly-worded individual, Victor’s promises were many. However, his manifesto doesn’t say with any specificity just what he intend to do to solve the issues of academia at Rhodes (such as the abysmal Accounting 3 pass rate), and his conduct in the SRC facebook page has been less than savoury and not indicative of a clear-headed, mature candidate who can respond to criticism.

STUDENT BENEFIT AND SPONSORSHIP

Naledi Pholo
Naledi aims at increasing the student Bail-out fund and the pocket money fund for students on grants. She seems on the ball, with clear ideas as to fund-raising initiatives and corporate sponsorship. She did not, however, adequately respond to an audience member’s question concerning better transport systems (the questioner was forced to live in town, closer to the University and at a much higher rent, thanks in part to inadequate transport initiatives).

COMMUNITY ENGAGEMENT

Thabo Seshoka
Thabo is running for his second year in this portfolio, and has a host of initiative that he wants to expand, continue and build upon. His presentation and responses to questions were good, but questions still remain (at least in the audience’s mind) as to why he says there is “still so much left to do”. “Why haven’t you done it already?” they retort.

ACTIVISM AND TRANSFORMATION

Mbongeni Ngwenya

Mbongeni seems confident and has plans for the years ahead, but falls a little flat with the cliché argument that he “wants to engage more with the students to find out their needs” (a promise made by several candidates). His responses to questions wasn’t fully up to scratch, and seemed a bit waffle-y.

Malaika Mahlatsi
Prone to silly phraseology (“greetings, sons and daughters of the earth” – said not once, but twice), Mahlatsi’s campaign built on one confusing opening statement: “I won’t promise anything”. A first-year student who claims much experience in “various NGOs”, Mahlatsi’s suitability for office is questionable, especially as she hasn’t yet had a full year at Rhodes. Her response to Michelle Solomon” (a huge woman’s rights and sexual violence activist) questions were not, in my opinion, sufficient. “The people don’t need liberators; they shall liberate themselves”. One can only hope that her apparent popularity with the audience is more an indication of her suitability than her campaign, which seems to lack a unified direction and clear-cut goal or mission.

MEDIA

Sarah Price Jones
“Your link to pink”

Building off a hugely controversial campaign, Sarah’s presentation at the Grazzle was nothing short of surprising. Clear, driven and confident, Sarah responded quickly and easily to questions (especially tactfully to the question concerning her inability to handle criticsm), and admitted that she had erred a little in her judgement, saying that the video was “made out of amusement” and apologising.  I would have to say that Sarah was one of the more promising individuals at the Grazzle (maybe because of my prejudice towards her stemming from her campaign?). One can only hope that her presentation at Grazzle can overcome the image that students have ingrained in their heads following her Pink campaign.

Lulama Qongqo
Speaking to the point, Qongqo aimed for more work between the various media at Rhodes to allow for full accountability. She seemed set on maximising full communication between the SRC and students (especially those who lack internet), and promised many things: a text message service, a new website, and other social media platforms, such as BBM. However, when questioned as to how she would do all this and where the money would come from, she couldn’t answer properly.

Kirsten Allnutt
Coming in strong off a very clean, professional campaign of well-designed posters, and giving a strong speech that seemed to rub well with the audience, Allnutt seems to be a promising candidate who is taking the election process seriously, giving a clear vision of what she would do if elected (and not once mentioning Purple Thursday, thank god). The only two criticisms I can direct to her was her slight flusteredness at the podium, and her inability to fully deal with two (very difficult) questions asking her what she would do in her position to stand against the proposed Protection of Access to Information Bill. However, a strong campaign should work in her favour.

PROJECT MANAGER

Carey Frazer
Giving an appealing, lively speech and seeming to win the audience’s favour, Frazer outlined many possible projects for the future in the SRC. However, I couldn’t shake the feeling that she is trying to focus too much on social events and projects, and is totally ignoring the possibility to create lasting, useful initiatives and projects that benefit students for more than one crazy night. Her speech also, in my view, seemed a little too emotionally-charged, relying more on begging the voters than convincing them.

SOCIETIES

Amanda Green
Amanda, for some strange reason, didn’t give a speech, opting to play an audio recording of her speech and then expanding on it. Though she aims to change a lot if elected, I couldn’t help but feel that her method of interaction was a little ineffectual. Her speech also built on the idea “what a man can do, a woman can do better”, which is highly sexist (reverse sexism is okay, it would seem). Had a male candidate stood there and said “what a woman can do, a man can do twice as well”, how would the audience have reacted? Having a person in leadership who cannot see these nuances would be risky, to say the least, even if her promises to overhaul the societies’ funding appear credible.

Mufundo Makana
Calm and level-headed, Makana showed his ability to deal with criticism. Many of the questions directed at him drew on his apparent failures in office this year (it is set to be his second year in this Portfolio, if elected), and he handled them with grace. However, the question still hangs in the air: do we want someone in office for a second term who has, in effect, not succeeding in fulfilling his previous promises and who allowed the huge problem of societies’ late funding to go unchecked for such a long time?

INTERNATIONAL

Ndana Tedayi
Speaking confidently, Tendayi gave a lot of good points on what she would do if elected to ensure that International Students are helped. She responded well to questions (one directed at the “unfair” extra fees that International Students have to pay) but failed to address mine own, almost fobbing me off with a “Purple Thursday”. Though she approached me afterwards to clarify further, I felt that she should have instead answered my question publically and usefully, not privately and inconsequently.

ENVIRONMENT

Luke Cadden
Another promising candidate, Luke’s presentation was simple, effective and convincing. When I posed a question about wasted food, he answered in a way that was informative and showed that he had a clear direction in his head. He addressed several issues, including paper wastage and adding that Rhodes lacks separate, easy recycling measures. With a campaign that doesn’t build at all on personality (his poster – the few that he has, citing them to be “incredibly wasteful” – doesn’t have his face on it) and not perceivable downsides in his Grazzle presentation, Luke promises to be a good candidate for office.

OPPIDAN

Sixolile Timothy
Sixolile means well. She has a lot of ideas as to how to improve Oppidan relations and to ameliorate the dire security problems faced by students in digs, but some of these seemed, at times, a bit unrealistic. She aims to improve communication between the police and the university, but was unable to respond properly to a student’s claim that she had personally been robbed, and had had almost no police support whatsoever.

RESIDENCE

Khanyisile Phiri
Khanyisile built on the ideas of improving residence hygiene, nutrition, safety and security, and accessibility. However, personally, I found her attitude to be a bit presumptive: she singled out my residence (of which I’ve been a member for three years now) and said that it was dirty and unhygienic – a fact that could not be further from the truth. Our main cleaner (affectionately known as “Pinkie”) has done a fantastic job over the past three years, though I suppose I cannot speak for other residences. Otherwise, Khanyisile had some good ideas for nutrition and safety (always two big problems in res, though I’ve never personally had an issue with either).

Tendai Mapuranga
Tendai’s manner of speech-giving is all fire and brimstone. Speaking out strongly against “rules made in hell”, Tendai seeks to establish standard rules across the board (making both female and male residences stick to the same rules). I personally feel, however, that the rules don’t matter, but rather the enforcement: if one residence operated on a laissez-faire style of management, and another on a strict, tyrannical iron fist, no amount of official standpoint can change that.
Tendai (responding to a question about the university packing up all the rooms every holiday and renting them out) also seeks to “favour Rhodes students over businesses”, failing to take into account the way in which this Rhodes ‘Hotel’ system helps to keep fees much lower than they would otherwise be.

**** That’s all, folks! Happy voting!****

Rhodes University posters cinch award for terrible design

The International Association for Worst Design Ever has this morning awarded Rhodes University a completely uncontested award for the worst poster design... ever. In a statement released this morning, the IAWDE said that, in light of the sheer volume of entries and the calibre thereof, the posters and campaigns at RU are, in general, far, far worse than even the lowest comparable standards, such as those set by the fantastic Olympic logo.

One you've seen it, you can't unsee it. Source: Celebitchy.com

The logo in a nutshell. Source: Celebitchy.com

"We first started considering the University for this award after seeing a few of their HIV-awareness campaign pictures being put online. These tactful, tasteful, subtle and informative adverts were not at all creepy in any way and succeeded in raising awareness for HIV and safe-sex practices," said the IAWDE spokesperson Ohgohd Mai-Eyes. "We don't consider the blind or insane for these awards, but once we learnt that the brilliant minds behind these posters were sane and possessed great visual acuity, we immediately jumped to the screening selection," he said.

One of the first posters to receive a nomination.

This is actually not a satirical, bullshit thing. Seriously. WTF.

The campaigns have been met by huge praise by many Rhodes students.
"When I saw those adverts, I felt relieved," said one female student. "At first I thought that my boyfriend's professions that he wanted to be close to me were just a way to get into my pants, but now I know, thanks to Ryan and Rhodes, that he cares. Now I knew that Rhodes men know to buy the hugest, massivest box of condoms out there to show a girl true, deep love. You know, the kind that has no boundaries," she said.

However, according to Mai-Eyes, at this point of the process there were still some other candidates in the field who were neck-in-neck with Rhodes for that winning spot, including the Ryugyong building in Pyongyang, North Korea:

Voted by Esquire Magazine as "the worst building ever"

and the guy who drew this tattoo:

The resemblence is uncanny.

However, Rhodes University's contestation for the award took on new, unforeseen levels of intensity after the SRC elections started. The real problems for the selection committee started here, after they saw the new and sheer volume of posters vying for the top - or rather bottom - spot.

"After the election process started, that building started looking like the Taj Mahal, and I honestly mistook that tattoo for the Mona Lisa," said Mai-Eyes, shaking his head in wonder.
"We realised that this new level of bad was so utterly and atrociously horrible that not even MTV would fill its screens with that kind of face-palmingly horrendous, "WTF is wrong with the world" general eye-hurting visual material. When we saw that there were posters out there that made Jersey Shore look more classy and dignified than a Toastmasters Society meeting, we knew we had a tough decision on our hands."

This sudden development was spurred on even further by a failure for the election process to reach quorum.
"Before, some of the campaign posters weren't actually that bad, and at least some of the students would pretend that they gave a shit about office by randomly throwing words like 'accountability', 'transparency', 'responsibility' and 'transformation' into their posters. However, new evidence shows that less than 10% of the new posters on display have even one of those Key Words in view, and that candidates now give as much as 84% less of a shit", said IADWE research assistant Ian Notpaidenuf, whose job it was to study each and every poster in-depth for the final appraisal.

He went on to show us some of the nominated posters. "One reads like the most obscure personal advertisement ever, showing nothing but the candidate in the usual  vote-winning, voter-reassuring combination of tie-suit-jacket and a bunch of twitter and  facebook links. And one of those BBM barcode thingies. You can't forget that."

Vote for me: I can does interwebz

"Some," he said, gesturing at the pile on his desk, "just show their dedication  to winning this award in their utter disregard for any coherent structure, design flow, grammar or punctuation, whilst others just leave you completely agog," he said, before taking out a gun and blowing his brains out.

The content in competition, as you can see, has been jaw-dropping.

This, apparently, is NOT a joke.

Eventually, Mai-Eyes said, they decided not to hand out an award to one defining poster, but to just generally class them all as the overall winner.
"They all generally inspire a feeling of desolation and emptiness when you look at them, and so we decided we can't single just one out," he said. "I mean, here, we have a guy running for SRC Academic Counciller and he misspelt the office for which he was running. Another one claimed that the candidate was 'APPAOCHABLE' - in capital letters too, just in case you didn't quite understand how approachable she was."

He should run for SRC Irony Counciler (sic).
Positive attributes: advanced flame-war skills

APPRAOCHABLE! YOU HEAR ME? APPRAOCABLE!
At least she spelt "councillor" corre...
Oh wait. She didn't.

The President of the IAWDE, Verra Bleind has added her voice to the proceeding, saying that these have been the most remarkable examples of bad campaign advertising since Mike Gravel's genius video in his 2008 campaign for the 2008 American Presidency. "Seriously," she said. "Not even the part where he throws that rock could compete with these posters. I mean, these posters really do go out of their way to show you as little as possible about who the candidates really are deep inside, and why it wouldn't be a mistake to vote for them."

Some candidates didn't even change their pictures.
"They were obviously perfect the first time," said Bleine, "and these perfect originals played an integral part in getting students to vote. We figured that there must be some other, unknowable reason that people didn't vote."

Meanwhile, the Secretary-General of the United Nations, Dontkare Bout-Lomnin, has promised to ship in several hundred teams of highly-trained mental trauma psychologists and counselors to deal with the devastating leaflets.
"As soon as I saw that one with Ryan Gosling, I knew we had to react quickly. We immediately removed all our specialists from Bosnia, Iraq, Syria, Burma, Saudi Arabia and North Korea to deal with this new, iniquitous South African threat," he said.



*- what follows are a collection of other campaign posters. Browse at your peril.

Cudos on the voter Key Words and the Highlander reference.

Because fashion.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that translate to "I don't want to win"?

Because, as with many other candidates, reasons are irrelevant.

Because Suits. THAT'S WHY.

Because verbs are irrelevant.

SRC election campaign season kicks into high gear

Student Representative Council election fever has hit Rhodes University campus this morning, with many candidates beginning their long and hard campaigns of attrition awareness to try and win over the student body's precious votes.

It's a cutthroat race, with over a dozen candidates jostling to pull in the most ballots. When asked what his campaign team's tactic for winning votes this year, 3rd-year BA student Dema Gogy smiled. "I'm sticking with the usual promises that happen every year," he said. "I'm promising to do away with the DP Requirement system, to get another three buses up and down the hill, and to improve the quality of res meals," said Gogy, who is running for SRC President. When asked how he could possibly deliver these unrealistic promises, he gave a strange look.
"Are figures in power actually supposed to help the people who voted them in and do what they said they would? Sheesh. Really? I thought this was going to be like a normal South African Presidential election."

Other campaigners have been hot on their heels. "Our campaign is going full steam ahead," 2nd-year Economics student Voatfour Mea. "Today we added a thousand students to a Facebook group without their consent or desire, and then just in case they didn't get the fourteen statuses and posts we sent them, we mass-emailed the entire university three times," he said. "So in comparison to previous years' campaigns, we're being quite unintrusive."

However, even with these measures, he is still uncertain that people will be exposed to their campaign. "Just to be safe, we're putting hundreds of posters up on every wall, floor, window, tree and other conceivable poster-able surface," said Mea, who is running for the position of Environmental Rep. Mea believes that his chances of winning the position are almost as good as guaranteed. "I'm pretty popular, and I have unlimited printing credit: two key factors in this election season," he said.

According to Mea's lead campaign manager, these posters have been thought  up by think-tank teams of master design students.
"We brainstorm for hours and use our skills to come up with brilliant vote-winning tactics, such as cheesey catchphrases, terrible puns,and cliche pictures of the candidates dressed up in suits and dresses," said Isla Hertyaeyes, who, surprisingly, isn't blind or mentally handicapped.
"Then, for final good measure, we throw in some words like 'transparency', 'accountability', 'continuity' and 'communication' because it's just de riguer, who even cares what it means?"

Just one of the many jaw-droppingly brilliant campaign posters on display.

Other candidates have opted for a more realistically-focused tact to win the students' hearts.
"If you vote me in as President, I promise that we will reach quorum and we won't have to go through this twice," said 4th-year Financial Management student John Murume, not missing a chance for shameless self-promotion. "Also, I totes pinky-promise not to just, like, drop out of the SRC for no reason next year, thus making this all for nothing."

Some candidates have even gone so far as to delve into other technological formats, such as video, to bolster their chances of scoring a sport on the SRC panel. "Sure, it's nothing as creepy unsettling weird awe-inspiring as Forsythe's 2011 campaign video, but we think that it'll do the job," said Benly Bradsa, another candidate.

She's APPRAOCHABLE, a master at Photoshop, and wants to be your COUNCELOR!
(dictionary sold separately)

However, some candidates are opting for a more discreet approach than others.
"It's all about the election picture," said Mpho Togenic, another candidate running for office.
"People don't much care for the campaigns, ignore the posters, delete the Facebook messages and don't read manifestos, so I'm gonna put the most sexy, trustworthy, un-pushy photo of myself on the voting page." Her possible photos have been submitted to a stringent vetting process in various focus groups. "We've turned down some that look too serious, like we might be able to do the job, and we're in the process of deciding between a fun photo showing my university mare spirit, and a cleavage shot," she said.

Student response to the sudden spree of campaigning has been huge.
"Only 2387 students blocked us on Facebook or unsubscribed from the groups, which is a monumental success for us," said Tom Hughs, one party's Media Officer.
Even the SRC Grazzle, at which candidates outline their manifestos and visions for office, saw record numbers of attendance, with almost 38 people coming to the event. "We almost filled the first three rows in the lecture venue. We're excited that Rhodents are becoming more and more interested in student affairs outside of Friar Tucks," said Hughs.
Students themselves have come forward to praise the start of elections.
Jessica Campagnes, a Fine Arts student, could barely contain her excitement.
"I just love the way my Blackberry pings every ten seconds reminding me why I should vote for someone who I didn't even know existed until today."

Mars probe inspires ANC

Following the successful NASA Curiosity rover mission to Mars, The African National Congress Aeronautical Space Association has this morning announced their latest plans: to send textbooks to Limpopo schools.

"We know it's a massive undertaking, but we're confident that it is at least possible," says Organisation CEO Sir Vis Deliverie. "I mean, they sent a vehicle to a dusty, abandoned area that is untouched and not cared about by demagogical hot-air-blowing politicians, so it's basically the same thing."

Deliverie has been hard at work. "Ever since my brother-in-law's cousin got me this job, I've been working hard to get it on track. Surely we can do better than those bloody agent Imperialists with their successful tendencies?" he said.

The ANCASA has, however, criticised the recent NASA mission as "simplistic and overblown", stating that it faced barely any problems from its inception.
"They only had some little duststorm to deal with: try getting your NASA probe to get past Angie Motshekga and Blade Nzimande to land in a Limpopo school with textbooks. Besides, there are no potholes or rivers in space,"said Deliverie.

The project is already steadily underway, and has received its intially primary pre-adjustment budget. "We've recieved that first pre-funding-cut lump sum, and have yet to receive the funding adjustment before the Department of Kick-backs demands its obligatory 20% cut. We also saved quite a bit of money by avoiding the tender process and getting a super-cheap supplier," said Head of Tender Allocations, Givemore Kickbacks.

The NASA rover touched down precisely in place last night and immediately transmitted photos from the Gale Crater. The project cost roughly $2.5 billion, covering the 345-million-mile voyage from earth in just 254 days. These facts bode well for the ANCASA project, says Deliverie.
"Given that the distance between the bookstore and the school is about 10 miles, roughly 0.000000005797% of the distance, our proposed mission has at least a 20% chance of success.
Which is about 25% more than previous attempts," he said.

The NASA Curiosty probe is also armed with a myriad sensors to determine whether or not there is any life or activity on the red planet's surface, a fact that has excited the ANCASA.
"It has given us the idea to make a much smaller probe and send it into politicians' brains. That way, we could find out if there is anything going on in there."

However, the agency knows the difficulty of the task at hand.
"We already know the possible fallout if this project were to fail," said the Association's Head of Passing the Buck, Blama Notherguy. "As such, we have even prepared our defence in the probable unlikely event that we fail. Possible people to blame will be other politicians, the rocket's contractors, and Hendrik Verwoede."

Top-secret Olympic success plan revealed by ANC

The ANC's long-awaited plan is finally in the limelight.

Following the addition of 3 Gold medals to South Africa's Olympic record, the ANC has this morning revealed its 4-year Super Top Secret Olympics 2012 Plan to the public.

"We are riding on the wave of success that started growing when Zuma first came into power," said John Mlonxo, spokesperson for the South African government's Department of Covert Sports Improvement.

"The astounding brilliance we are seeing now is the result of four years of dedication and commitment by our government officials and offices," he said.

President Jacob Zuma has since confirmed these reports, saying that after he came into power in 2008, something needed to be done.

"Eish, but it was bad. We were one Khotso Mokoena away from another 1994," he said.

Statistically, the 1994 Winter Olympics was South Africa's worst-ever performance, with no medalists bringing back gold, silver or even bronze.

"Back then, Mandela saw that we kinda sucked ass at this Olympics thing, but he was too busy rebuilding a nation divided and concentrating on rugby to make time for other sporting codes. Now that our rugby team is one of the world's finest, we decided to do the same for our Olympic side," Zuma said in a radio interview in which he shockingly did NOT make an utter incompetent and clueless buffoon of himself.

After Zuma's rise to power, and with the 2008 team ranked at an abysmal 70th in the quadrennial games, the ANC began a complex plan to instigate a turnaround.

"First of all, we needed an underdog image in order to lull the rest of the world into a false sense of confidence. Mandela did a lot to damage our potential wow-factor in the games by making the world believe South Africa was a place of equality, reconciliation, and a sporting prowess to be feared," he said.

In a detailed report, Mlonxo showed how the government cut funding and public spending to many public sectors, including Health and Education.

"We even cut funding to our Sports and Recreation department to deepen the illusion. Nothing could be left to chance."

New leaked documents have shown that numerous government ministers were a part of this plan too.

"It's no coincidence that the Olympics coincide with the ANC's centenary celebration. 100 years of selfless struggle, and it hasn't ended yet," said deep-cover operative Theis Pien, who went undercover as the notorious political figure we know as Julius "Juju" Malema.

"We selflessly dragged our own names through the dirt and suffered the injustices and cruelties of Johnny Walker, kick-backs and luxury Ministerial vehicles all for the greater good," said Pien, who played a crucial role in the Political No-confidence Strategic Committee, which worked closely with editors and journalists from around the country. "Our efforts have been more successful than we ever could have dreamed," he said.

Zuma himself has agreed. "There were times where I thought the plan was too big to pull off. 'No one will think we're being serious,' I thought. I mean, I said in public that a shower cures AIDS and I freed 34 000 convicted criminals, and everyone just bought it. We had some worrisome moments where we thought people had seen us for frauds, like with that Brett Murray guy. It's been a hard struggle, but we've definitely risen to the occasion. Hell, I even got married five bloody times for my country," he said.

The project also included the South African Olympians' training program, which has been brutal, with daily 100-kilometre toyi-toyis a secret superdiet of garlic and African beetroot, and the athletes taking daily showers to increase their strength and sexual purity.

"Our sangomas claimed using the latest cutting-edge medical analysis techniques, such as throwing the bones and consulting with the spirit world, that these methods would work, and by golly, they were right," said Head of the Secretive Training Initiative, Charl Latan.

For this ingenious training schedule, the ANC drew much inspiration from Rocky 4.

"Just look at the Russian boxer: he has all that expensive equipment and professional trainers and is surrounded by sports scientists with cutting-edge training and monitoring machines, and he lost. Rocky had just a gym and an old mzunguand he kicked that Comrade's arse. We knew that we could take no risks with modern sports advances. We had to take it back to the old school ways," he explained.

For Mlonxo, the proof is in the pudding.

"I mean, did you see how boseveryone went when we won a medal? Clearly no one thought it possible. We've done a great job."

Head of the Executive Olympic Image Committee, Peinta Goodpicture, said that even the smallest of details - such as the decision to have Caster Semenya as flag bearer - were made years in advance.

"The massive media furore over Semenya was one of our finest moments. If you look at the news reports and our politicians' coached responses, you'd actually believe they really were a bunch of incompetent ignoramuses jumping on the gravy train to further their own agenda whilst not giving a hoot about someone's right to privacy," she said.

The whole intitiative is being labelled as one of the longest and most intricate covert operations since the Arms Deal. "It makes the even our shadiest transactions look like buying a coke at the local spaza," said Mlonxo.

The government has since announced similar plans to renovate the football squad, Bafana Bafana.

"At first we thought we'd try to fix something important, like the education system, but hell, not even WE are that good," said Mlonxo.

7 Reasons why I despise Promotion Girls

I love going out as much as any other person. Hell, now that I'm in the teetotalling thick of rowing training, and CAN'T acquiesce to my friends' annoying pleas to come out "for just one drink" (something which experience has taught me does not exist, and probably never will) I love it even more. However, on any night out, there are always one or two niggling little things that just make me feel well, like raging my tits off, and one of these is the cleavage-sprouting, bright-eyed and short-skirted wonder that is Promotion girls.

For those of you who are studying a BSC never go out/have not had the privilege (sarcasm level: 9000) of knowing what a promotion girl is, here is a pretty, well, harsh description of them. Clearly someone out there shares my distaste:

"A promo girl is a unusually thick girl with good physical attributes who is willing to spend her working life wearing the following, a bikini, a swimsuit, micro skirt, cropped top, boob tube. Whilst standing in front of some crappy cheap product at a exhibition which is aimed entirely for purchase by males. You would imagine that they would have low self esteem but normally they are so engrossed in the business of bending over the car that they actually feel they are making a difference to the world. " (Urban Dictionary).

Now, before I get into all of this, I want to clarify that I say Promotion *girls* because Promotion *guys* are just creepy and aren't as effective a marketing strategy to sell shit, cos of that serious lack of boobs and whatnot. And besides, when the rare opportunity arises when I actually DO see one they don't try to sell me shit.

Reason #1: They're walking advertisements.
Let us use Facebook as an analogy. I like Facebook. I visit Facebook quite often. However, the experience is just somehow ruined by those top-right corner adverts (you know, the ones that won't ever go away) that scream at me to buy some useless crap or a secret training manual that gives you abs in four days. Same with promo girls: wherever you go, they hang around in the corner, reminding you that, no matter how much fun you're having, some company out there wants to devour you wallet-first. In a world where I can't even watch DSTV for ten minutes without begin bombarded by rage-inducingly atrocious Knorr cooking adverts and its inane ilk, and where I can't even sit through a 30-second Youtube video without being subjected to a unskippable 45-second(!) commercial for some crap that (1) has nothing at all to do with the video at hand and (2) that I'd never even consider wasting my money on, now I can't even go out and relax with friends without more goddamn advertising suffocating me at every turn.
Selling stuff is a job, yes, but with promotion girls it goes beyond the mere economic transaction between seller and buyer and goes into the realm where they personify the product and its agencies. This brings up the ugly mess of advertising: ugly people don't usually become promotion workers, or rather, aren't hired by promotion agencies. Ergo, this reinforces the "you aren't good enough, but maybe our product will improve your life" ideal that every company tries to brainwash you with.

Reason #2: Dress code.
If you don't go out too often, do a Google search for "Promotion girls" right now. Go on, do it. This will still be here when you get back. The first thing you see is the cleavage (unless they've swayed in favour of a skirt shorter than the SA government's list of trustworthy government officials). The second thing you notice is their clothes, or rather, the lack thereof. Hell, there's probabyl more food in famine-stricken North Africa then there is material on their bodies. Now, I know sex sells. Television and decades of advertising have proved that. I just can't help but feel that this twists it. Whenever I see  a promo girl, I secretly take note of her face, just so that in future if I see them again and they complain about sexism/sexual objectification/chauvinism I can tell them to STFU and GTFO (something which I have yet to have the pleasure of doing). A lot of people (girls, for the most part, defending the trade) say that I'm misled - that this is empowering, it's their body, and it's easy money - which, in my opinion is a load of horseshit. Yes, women should be allowed to wear what they want to wear fearlessly and without shame, but this is not one of those areas where this rule applies. This is a job-driven decision that limits women to being sex objects that sell merchandise, nothing more.

Reason #3: Insincerity.
A girl I know worked as a promo girl at the local pub here. Funnily enough, we went to highschool together, and exchanged all of maybe six words between us in the 4 years that we knew each other. Suddenly, out of nowhere, this girl comes along all buddy-buddy as if we'd fought in the trenches together.
"You never say hi to me," she jokes, "at least buy a shot?"
That's a two-way street my dear, but you don't see me guilting you out of your parent's hard-earned money, do you?
The rest of the girls who have offered me their wares in the past have been no different: at first glance, their face lights up brighter than a Christmas tree, as if I'm their out-of-the-blue returning true love coming back from what they believed was certain death. Hell, I've never even seen dogs look that happy at their long-returning masters. Worse, sometimes they even have the audacity to scowl after I say "no".
Worse than that, they'll interrupt whatever it is you're doing. Real example take from last year:
"Yeah, man, I'm just really worried about Jess, you know? I mean, she hasn't been looking so happy, and the other night in Friars she just burst in tears..."
"Shit, dude, I don't know what to say... Maybe you should just..."
"HEY GUUUUUYYYS, sorry to interrupt, but do you want to buy a shot? They're only, like, zOMG, R6 and they're ssooooooo, good."
See what I mean?

Reason #4: They can't take no for an answer
"Hey! Do you want to buy a shot?" *fake smile*
"No thanks."
"Awww..." *pouts* "They're only R8."
"Nah, I'm good."
"Come on! I'm sure you and your friends could use it, and it's on special tonight." *her face screws up plaintively*
"Nah" *I indicate to full beer right the fuck in front of me* "We're fine for now".
"You guys are missing out! Are you sure? I can't even tempt you?" *holds up bottle temptingly and tries her smile again*
"No thanks."
"Aw, come on... Are you sure?"
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, woman? That's FOUR (count 'em; you can count, can't you?) negative replies to your attempts. FOUR. Get the hint.

Reason #5: Last night.
Until last night, I thought I couldn't dislike promo girls more. That was until one of them broke the mould and elevated my disdain to a whole level. So, a pair of green-shirted, short-skirted girls bearing caramel vodka or something like that come up to me and attempt the usual song and dance routine. Giving my usual 'no' in response to her pleas, and indicating to the *fruit juice* in my hand (additionally explaining that I'm a teetotaler until Boatrace in September), she turns away. Which is when I see her promo partner wildly making out with some guy.
'Okay,' I think to myself, 'her boyfriend is here. I mean, they're not exactly in the same league, but hey, stranger things have happened, even if it is a bit unprofessional to have a PDA whilst working, especially where your job kinda draws on the fact that the majority of the men buying from you want you to A) bang them, and B) preferably be single.
Skip forward two minutes. A taller dude by the bar counter takes up Promo girl 2 on her offer of caramel vodka, and buys a few shots for himself and his mates (none for the girls themselves, at least). Right after this they make out. Well, "making out" is putting it lightly. Even "lunging" is an inadequate description. To put it in a way that might nearly capture what I saw, they were practially eating each other's faces. Even the owner of Friars would say "holy shit, that's disgusting." And Friars, to all you non-Grahamstonians out there, is bad.
So, this one-course meal done, promo girl goes on her merry way. Which is the exact moment that another, older man (I'd say gentleman, but that would contradict what comes next) shouts out to this clearly satisfied customer, "Fuck, boet, did she do it to you too? I thought I was special!".
3 dudes. She made out with three dudes after selling them alcohol. And I'm not even nearly naive enough to believe that she didn't charge them for this, ah, service. To be sure, she probably took a Mandingo (read: my friend's slang equivalent of "a big tip" - a hilarious reference, I know), which, by any reasonable person's measure, amounts to prostitution.
(a side note here: fuck all three of you guys in the bar. You looked quite pleased with yourselves, but you should actually be aware that you are, in fact, fucking desperate douchebags with absolutely no sense of dignity. What happened to standards, to morals?)

Reason #6: Give them an inch, and they take a mile.
Sometimes, though (and very rarely at that) I will buy a shot from these scantily-clad saleswomen. If I'm in the mood, and I've gone off wine and want to kick things up a gear, I'll buy a shot. ONE. Which is our next problem. Suddenly, the shot math goes horribly awry: you're not just buying for yourself, but also your mates. And then, to cap it off, the short-skirted girl laughs and jokingly says, "and one for me, right?".
Let's be serious: your job is not different to that of a bartender's. You're paid to sell alcohol. If a bartender was seen drinking on the job, his manager would probably have some serious words with him. Same with waitresses: when I order a cup of coffee, they don't immediately joke, "and one for me, right?". I mean, it's just not professional.
To make matters worse, when this rare transaction (at least on my part) is complete, you can see that the maths just doesn't add up. Usually, when you've handed over your beloved green rhino for that R8 shot, the girl in question holds on to that left over R2 coin for just a bit too long , making it just that much more awkward to ask for your change. Normally, the buyer in question is (1) drunk and (2) thinks that money will increase his odds of a chance hook up (which, in light of the girl mentioned above, shows that they're not too far off the mark), they just let the R2 slide, making the "on-special" shot cost the same as if you'd have bought it in the bar. I'm a student, on a budget tighter than The Hulk's purple spandex pants. I value change even more than the Obama administration; give it the hell back to me.

Reason #7: It's the shallowest job. Ever.
In short, Promotion work is the shallowest job imaginable, unless you count whatever the hell the Jersey Shore cast do for their wealth as a job. It requires absolutely no skill, no depth of personality beyond a fake smile, and if you're good at it it means you have achieved nothing apart from being born of two parents with a pretty reasonable gene pool.
You see, I have two sisters (very intelligent, talented sisters at that), and (as easy and as good as the money is for this line of work) I'd like to think they are worth more than just a sexual object that moves merchandise, to be perved over by lecherous drunk fools while they fake their way into selling whatever crap the company has asked them too. Sure, I get it: easy money, and for what? You don't have to do anything. Hell, looking at Intel and Motorcar models, you don't even need to know jack shit about what you're even selling, as long as you are at least an 8. But that's exactly it: no matter how brainy or interesting you are, your job comes down to how high out of ten you score on any given day. It's these little compromises in the name of money that drive moral degradation.


Of course, not all promotion girls are created equal, and I'm sure there are some out there reading this with no small amount of indignation. Think what you will; I'm just waiting to find one who doesn't piss me off so much. -----

Later note from the author - due to comments and discussions about this post permeating to even today (20 August 2014), I've revisited this topic using a more critical, mature approach.

Mugabe's motorcade hits homeless man; nations call for action

President Robert Mugabe's motorcade has run over and seriously injured a homeless man this week, leading to a storm of international protest across the globe.

"I mean, we all know that he has caused the deaths, torture, rape, wrongful imprisonment and beatings of countless others, but this really takes the cake," said South African resident Thomas Machimba.

The United Nations has reacted to the news with shock.
"We're really disappointed. We made him International Ambassador of Tourism, and this little incident has made us suspect that we maybe made the wrong decision," said UN General Secretary Rita Arded.

Many nations, including the USA, have called for international intervention.
"When we heard about this, we were outraged. I mean, I had rallied up a battalion of ten thousand men, F-25 fighter jets and B-52 bombers, but then my personal assistant reminded me that there's no oil in Zimbabwe. Under the current circumstances, we just don't think it's our place to get involved in the governance of foreign states," said US Minister of Foreign Affairs and Oil Reserve Acquisitions, Fred Manse.

Even the South African government has been unusually critical of Mugabe's hit-and-run.
"We called them and gave them a really good telling off," said ANC spokesperson Kwiet Deplomasce.
"We know that this is the most outspoken we've ever been on Zimbabwe's government, and we really think it'll make ripples."

However, amidst reports that the hit was accidental, a source close to the motorcade staff has said that the  accident may have come as a result of miscommunication.
"Going to a funeral? Oh, I thought we were going to cause a funeral. My bad," said one of the drivers.

At first, the Zimbabwean government met the reports with stoic denial.
"There is no official report. I know this, because I burned it myself," said Minister of Proganda, Finius Goering.

However, the president's official spokesperson has since come forward saying that, "they were aware of a slight bump on the road."
"At first we thought it was a pothole, but only after we realised that we hadn't fallen into a six-foot-deep crevasse, we started to think maybe something was wrong," said the president's spokeperson, George Hitenrun.

The Zimbabwean Republic police has declined to make an official comment, referring all calls to the President's office. "He speaks for us anyway, so you might as well save yourself some time," said Police Commissioner Johnathan Erestemall.

Mugabe's motorcade usually comprises police escort bikes, state security vehicles, police vehicles, his 1-million-dollar ZIM 1 limousine and Land Cruiser trucks full of heavily armed soldiers. His motorcade is regarded as one of Africa's longest: almost as long, in fact, as a list of Zimbabwe's human rights violations printed in font size 0.01 with half-spacing.

Despite claims that the president was not contrite, spokesperson for the ZANU-PF has released a statement denying these "lies" vehemently.
"We're either very happy or very sad. Right now we're not sure if he was a member of our long-lived struggle, or a whitey-loving, pro-Tsvangirai, Blair-worshiping agent of Rittle Engrand. We're waiting for him to wake up, and then we'll make the choice between having a hero's celebration, or charging him with attempted murder," he said.
"His stepping in the way of our 18-car, bullet-grenade-and-RPG-proof, multi-million dollar motorcade could have seriously jeopardised our president's safety. I mean, the homeless, malnourished man weighed almost 50kg!"

However, the spokesman was firm in his denial that they had ignored him and left him to die.
"We did no such thing. We actually sent two police cars to arrest  escort him to prison hospital. Right now he is recovering with all possible luxuries in our state-of-the-art Chikurubi rest and relaxation facility."

The President himself has since vowed to take more caution when travelling the country.
"From now on, we will simply fly around the country in flying motorcade of nine G7 private jets, three B-79 Flying Fortresses and eight F-35 Lightning fighter jets. We simply cannot endanger our citizens."

SABC bans xenophobic ad

The controversial advert from well-known restaurant chain, Nandos, has been banned from being aired by the national broadcaster, said the SABC in a press statement this morning.

"With fears of how people will react to it, we just don't want such an advert this highly disseminated in the public sphere," said head spokesperson John Sensa, "except, of course, all over Twitter and Facebook and the rest of the internet and the news and blogs and foreign television services."

The SABC has since vehemently defended its decision.

"We would never want to spread adverts that contain shocking, offensive or, god-forbid, thought-provoking material or ideas. Especially if they aren't making us any money. We prefer safe, non-head-scratching entertainment, like episodes of Friends that even your mother thinks are outdated."

The SABC believed that, much like with issues of corruption and failing public services, not addressing the issue was a far more effective campaign.

"If we show the advert, we are afraid that we'll make the problem worse. We think it better to just not show it. If we just stay quiet, we're sure that the problem will sort itself out, especially with our country's migrant labour policies, unemployment, current immigration and refugee policies, inequitable housing policies, the problems with identification documents, corrupt policing, the proliferating informal urban settlements, competition for scare resources, crime, and our disconnected government that no longer listens to the anguish or comprehends the anger of millions of people living in poverty," he said.

"If we show it, it may create a problem almost as large as our yearly overdraft."

When asked why they were opting for a 'white elephant' approach, the SABC defended itself.

"We would never use such an approach. The SABC is tolerant and diversity-minded. We prefer the 'non-racially-charged-or-ethnically-marked-politically-correct-pachyderm' approach," said Sensa.

The SABC has always had a rich history of family-friendly, inoffensive advertising.
Almost as rich, in fact, as their history of bailouts.

However, CEO of SABC, Winida Bailout, has defended their decision, saying that the Nandos advert "trivialises xenophibia".

"Besides," he said, "there are other, more important problems to worry about, like that painting of Zuma."

When asked whether he knew that the painting had been defaced and the issue settled, he shrugged.

"We're the SABC. According to us, Ross is still fighting to make Rachel see his true feelings."

Many civilians have praised the SABC's swift action.

"I was really worried for a second there that I would have to watch it and make up my own mind about it. You know how much we lay people hate critical thinking," said George Chimbetu.

"I'm glad they censored it," said another man. "I actually had my axes and assegai sharpened and ready, and I was just waiting for one silly advert to set me off."

Many more have reacted to the decision with anger.

"Typical. We South Africans make one advert and all these foreigners get offended. We aren't xenophobic at all, and if they don't like our adverts then they should go back to their home countries," said one local man, Kenneth Ofobea.

Since the decision, both M-Net and DSTV have jumped on the bandwagon.

"We already show Desperate Housewives, Jersey Shore and My Super Sweet 16," said media sales representative Jane Erikson. "We're worried that this advert might cement our image as broadcasters who are uncaring about the plight of the most marginalised classes in South Africa."

Meanwhile, Professor of History and Migrancy studies Thomas Reedabok has branded the advert as "historically incorrect."

"Following theories of evolution and migration, the Khoisan man should have actually disappeared as well. If Nandos wanted to empirically represent Africa's most original native dwellers, they should have instead displayed a single prokaryotic bacterium saying 'you found me here' in corresponding subtitles."

Nandos was unable to comment on the matter. "We have received complaints to the advert and we are working on a response to be released sometime in the next few days," said HR rep James Makapun.

"We just can't say anything until we've thought of a clever pun or advert highlighting our reaction."

Zuma releases prisoners

A storm of excitement erupted at Pollsmoor Prison as 28 women and 60 juvenile males were released as part of President Jacob Zuma’s 10-week early remission programme. These are just a few of the 35 000 offenders who are going to benefit nationwide, said SA Correctional Services spokesperson, Letya Loose.
"The decision was made in light of the legacy of Nelson Mandela on this memorable day," he said.
Loose said that by the end of the program, they hope to have freed at least one society-changing, barrier-breaking, mind-changing political prisoner.
"We're more than just a little positive that at least one of them isn't such a bad guy," he said.
More than 14 600 inmates will be released in the next few weeks and a further 20 855 on parole and probation will be freed early.

The remissions were announced as a bid to alleviate prison overcrowding. This programme is set to reduce overcrowding from 34 percent to about 20 percent.
"We are sick of having our cells very overcrowded. It would just be a nice change to have them just plain overcrowded," Pollsmoor Prison Warden, Lucky Yahup.

Many prisoners, however, have met the proposal with heated opposition.
"I went to jail in 2006. Mbeki wasn't screwing everything up, fuel was still pretty cheap, and the CPI wasn't ridiculous. Now there is corruption, Mdluli is in charge of the police, and crime is through the roof. Prison has protected me from thousands of criminals since I came here!" said one prisoner.

Other prisoners have been outraged at the sudden programme. "All I did was steal a goat. If I had known that they would release me so quickly, I would have stolen at least a car or a watch," said inmate Gotye Stuuf.

"I got free food everyday here," said another, "what do they expect me to do once I'm out, get an honest living?!"

The programme has not only received warm reviews; criticism to its aims has been scathing.

"My crime syndicate has operated untouched and has been profitable for many years, and I'm not even talking about my illegal taxi business," says Minister of Public Spending, Robbin Hugh. "If they release all these people, I will have to contend with competition, not just with my taxi company, but also my position as a Minister."

Many other politicians have aired similar fears. "Half of those prisoners are more qualified than half of us MPs," said one unnamed source. "I mean, they probably passed their Woodwork course! How do I contend with that?"

Some politicians, however, have been overjoyed.
"I think it's great. I'm gonna see so many of my old friends, and this also means that if, one day, by some ridiculous stoke of misfortune the justice system actually works and convicts me of something, I'll be out much sooner than expected," said Minister of Finance, Emma Bezzlement.


However, criticism to the movement has been met with swift action by the newly-formed South African Prisoners Union.
"We feel that prisons are directly in opposition to our Constitutional Right to Freedom," he said. "I mean, racists get freedom of speech, why shouldn't we criminals get freedom from prison?"  said SAPU spokesperson John Picket.


Nevertheless, in the cities many civilians have been troubled by the programme's goals.
"There is going to be a big crime wave, just you wait and see. I'm already prepared: I've installed an alarm system and a giant electric fence to protect my old electric fence and alarm system from theft," said Sandton resident Gregory Turner.

In reaction, Loose has been quick to alleviate South Africans' fears of crime.
"We aren't releasing any violent criminals or anyone with weapons-possession charges," he said,
"just normal criminals."

However, sources close to the president have suggested that the decision was taken not in the spirit of freedom day, but rather in the spirits. 
"Umqombothi can be pretty strong stuff these days," said one unnamed source.

However, the Presidential Office has been quick to debunk those rumours.
"The President in no way or form touches alcohol. Every president that South Africa has had in the past few years have been upstanding figures who detest drunkness. Drunk people do stupid things, like appoint Mogoeng Mogoeng as Chief Justice, remove Willie Hofmeyr as head of the Special Investigating Unit, and disband the Scorpions. Oh, wait, on second thoughts: 'No Comment.'"

United Nations to review ambassadorial selection policy

This week, Robert Mugabe, President of Zimbabwe, was made the United Nation's Ambassador of International Tourism, a decision hailed by many as "the smartest ever since Napoleon invaded Russia".

Director of the Ambassadorial Selection Committee, Mr Wong Choyse, says that the decision has come too late."I look back and I think of all the other great leaders we could have put into UN Ambassadorial positions of power, and I'm sad, because they're no longer with us. As Ambassador of Diversity and Ethnic Tolerance, we could have had Adolf Hilter, or Idi Amin."

However, Choyse said that the decision had sparked a wave of reform in the selection committee.
"The board has opened up to consider many other African leaders for suitable positions in the UN. For example, Joseph Kony is being considered for UN Ambassador for Childrens' Rights. We think that the children will react very positively to him, because his name sounds kind of like 'cone', like an ice-cream."

The decision has also led to a surge of applications from leaders around the world.
Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia has put forward his name for Ambassador for Gender Equality.
"I believe that I am as qualified to fulfill this role as Mugabe is to fulfill his as Ambassador of Tourism. After all, I'm a man, which means I'm already twice as qualified as any woman."

However, the call has been met with much criticism. Omar Al-Bashir, President of Sudan, was one of the first to raise his voice in protest.

"What has he done that I haven't?," he said, slamming his skull wineglass on his table of bones.
"It's unfair that he should get a title while i'm ignored."

Teodoro Obiang Nguema, President of Equatorial Guinea, has also added his voice to the complaints.
"It's such an affront to my dignity. All I can do is just sit in my palatial mansion with nothing but my billions to soothe my bruised pride."

The ANC Hipster League have reacted by calling the United Nations, "a bunch of outdated, outmoded copycats.
"We have been putting the wrong people into important positions of power before it was cool," said spokesperson Django Gulliver.

However, a source close to the electoral council has told reports that the decision was just a case of "broken telephone." "When the the president was being discussed, one of the elective committee members put forward a possible position, but the Director misheard. It wasn't supposed to 'tourism', but actually the International Ambassador of terrorism," he said.

However, Director Choyse has been quick to debunk those rumours.
"There's no way we would ever consider making anyone Ambassador of Terrorism," he said reproachfully.
"That position has already been filled by Hasan Izz-Al-Din of the Hezbollah, though we've had difficulty getting in contact with him since his minor misunderstanding with the FBI in 2001."