Grahamstown municipality cuts water, saves countless lives

pic: Wikimedia Commons

In an attempt to improve health and safety measures in the Grahamstown community, Makana Municipality has today cut off the water supply.

“Just taste the water. Taste it. Clearly you shouldn't drink something that foul. By doing this, we’re saving countless lives,” said mayor of Grahamstown, Igno Ramus.

“Some people said that we should replace the broken or faulty pipes and give our water treatment plants a complete overhaul, but as soon as I heard that that would mean cutting funds to my Mercedes-Benz kickbacks bonus, I knew that there had to be better ways to solve the problem. And I think we have found the solution,” he said.

Grahamstown water is current purified in an intense, 3-step filtration process. The water is passed though a fine cotton sheet, before going through two rigourous sand filters. It is finally forced through a not-too-dirty sock before being pumped back into the pipes.

“Some might say that the system needs replacement. Kak, man. A boere maak a plan,” said head of Grahamstown water works Phil Tehr.

The mayor stressed that in these measures he was just “jumping to the inevitable”. 

“The last time these pipes were replaced, Verwoede had just been elected into government. That’s very convenient for me, because blaming that dead dude is very popular these days. Besides, the pipes were gonna all cut out one day. I just made that ‘one day’ ‘today’,” he said.

Pulling out a report carried out by the Department of Science, Ramus showed how it was scientifically proven that water was extremely dangerous.

“In 100% of recorded cases, drowning has involved water. The same applies for 100% of shipwrecks. The evidence speaks for itself,” he said. “By stopping this poisonous substance, we will never again have another drowning or shipwreck in Grahamstown again.”

The major also stressed the health benefits of not having water.

“Now we are promoting a culture of exercise. Everyone can take walks to the spring to get their water,” Ramus said.

He also expressed concerns about the high levels of metal found in the water. 

“In some places our men have dug up aluminium water pipes. They were iron when we put them in the ground,” he said.

Residents have met the move with praise.

“I used to drink the water out the tap because I was too lazy to get proper, healthy water. Now, although I have no choice. This will also cut down a lot on first-year spread,” said second-year Finance student, Hugh Jass.

“This move will be very positive for the community and for people’s health and safety,” said manager of local bottled water supplier Aquavie, Eumust Pai. “It has nothing to do with our business and the sickeningly awesome profits that we’re going to rake in,” he said, adding that the decision to cut water also had nothing to do with the brown envelopes he had been sending the Mayor every month. “Besides, it’s not money in those envelopes, cross my heart, Scout’s honour. It’s just our weekly newsletter.” 

Some businesses, however, have criticised the move.

"I used to use banned class-5 toxic pesticides to kill the bugs that ate my crops, but I switched over to Grahamstown tap water because it's much cheaper and probably more deadly," said local farmer James Ploughfields, who made a small fortune in farming after starting with a big one. "This is gonna make farming so much more expensive."

Since the move, the Municipality has announced similar plans to cut other services, such as electricity, transport and police services.

“initial research shows that 100% of electrocutions involve electricity and sometimes stupidity. Since parliament has taken the worst of the idiots off the street and put them safely into government, we just have to do something about Eskom,” said Ramus.

He hoped that electricity would be banned outright by the end of the year. “It’s a selfless, move to protect the masses,” he said, hiding a Johnston’s Candles supplier tender proposal and accompanying bottle of Chivas Regal behind his back.

He aired similar views about other services.

“Where there are police, there is crime. By getting rid of police, we’ll be getting rid of crime. It’s that simple”. 

When asked if he knew what a logical fallacy was, he expressed anger.
“Don’t talk to me about logical phalluses. It’s disrespectful to our culture and president.”

Upon hearing this these proposals, students in particular expressed gratitude and excitement. 

"No electricity means no essays and more extensions. Sure, it'll negatively affect our education, but I'm studying Latin and Mesopotamian History. It's not like I'll use those in a job one day anyway," said fourth-year student Philip Burgers.

Other students have aired similar happiness.

"Sure, you can’t flush toilets, and every residence now smells like Saddam Hussein’s spiderhole after 18 months in hiding, but we think it’s worth all the lives we’ve saved. And yes, you can’t brush your teeth, but you can just scrape them with a twig from licorice bush, gum tree, or the Salvadora Persica tree. You know, old-school style. Besides, personal hygience, showering and maintaining a necessary level of hydration are overrated," said English student Toby Ornotobi.

The move has, however, brought about some criticism, especially from the government.

“We thought that Zuma was clear when he said that showers stop AIDS. The Mayor’s move will only exacerbate this disease that doesn't exist,” said MEC for Health and ex-AIDS Policy-maker for the Mbeki regime, Eimin de Nile.

However, the Mayor was quick to point out that there were methods of dealing with this.
“We are shipping in large quantities of garlic, lemon, and African Beetroot to counteract any negative effects this initiative might have.”

Purple Thursday cures cancer, ends world hunger

Scientific studies from leading experts have left the world in shock after discovering that Purple Thursday is more than just an excuse to wear purple.

“When we first created it, Purple Thursday was our answer to everything,” said Student Representative Council (SRC) President Eumatter Sumbadhi. “’What are you gonna do about racism?’ they asked us. ‘Purple Thursday,’ we replied. What measures are in place to celebrate diversity and spread awareness for various campaigns? Purple Thursday. It solved anything, man.”

However, according to witness reports, the hitherto unknown mystical powers of the event quickly became apparent – Purple Thursday solved more than just social issues.

“I was feeling a bit under the weather one day, and my friend joked that I should go to Purple Thursday. I went, did my thing, and just like that my hangover dry cough was gone,” said first-year Finance student James Marion. “I knew that there had to be a link between the two.”

And soon enough scientists from the Rhodes University Department of Biochemistry had confirmed the rumours.

“We started with a sample of one hundred rodents – a fitting animal choice, I think you’ll agree. These rats had been diagnosed with various forms of cancer and leukaemia. We painted them purple, gave them some free pens, took a couple of cheesy pictures with them, posted these all on facebook, and lo and behold, the next day the cancer had totally disappeared,” said lead scientist for the project Dr Allan Quack. “It’s a modern-day miracle.”

Leaders from around the globe have marvelled at the event, hailing it as the best thing “since a beer twist-cap”. Similar tribute events have been kick-started in countries around the world, from famine-stricken Somalia to war-torn Afghanistan. The results have been astounding.

“We used to starve every day and fear for pirates until this so-called ‘Purple Thursday’ came along,” said a local Somali fisherman, grinning feverishly as he clutched the Scooters voucher he had just won in a lucky draw. “This day has changed everything. Now the only thing we fear is that the pirates will beat us in the 'most gees' photo competition.”

However, world hunger is not the only thing that has disappeared overnight. War, religious conflict, and homophobia have been reported to have utterly vanished across the globe.

“I remember when we used to bomb each other every day because we disagreed about whose land this was,” said Hamas soldier Al Ahu Akabar, an arm draped around his new Israeli friend who had just won the prize for ‘best dressed’. “Then we both realised that we were fighting over eternally pissed-off camels, endless desert and a sea that’s saltier and more disgusting than the Wednesday night Halaal-Fast res meal. Not exactly the promised land. There isn’t even a Debonair’s here.”

Uganda has seen its raging homophobia disappear in a poof overnight.

“I used to hate gays with all my soul,” said David Bahati, who introduced the October 2009 Anti-Homosexuality Bill, which threatened homosexuals with the death penalty. “I even said that I wanted to kill every last gay person. Now, thanks to Rhodes University's fantastic initiative, I realise that I’m just a hateful moron who believes that television encourages kids to be gay and who can’t stand the idea of two men holding hands,” he said, adding that in the spirit of the change they might even change the day to be a "Pink Thursday".

The effects of Purple Thursday, however, have also been evident closer to home in South Africa.

“Since the day has gone viral, corruption has shot down dramatically, meaning that now only 70% of taxpayers’ hard-earned Rands is misspent or ends up funding Chivas and Mercedes Z-classes,” said government spokesperson for Social Change, Inna Fectual. “The only thing Purple Thursday hasn’t fixed so far is the tap water in Grahamstown and our failing education system,” he said. “But let’s just be honest: it’ll take a bloody miracle to do that.”

SRC confesses guilt, apologises

Following extended controversy and student outcry on innumerable topics of debate, the Rhodes University Student Representative Council (SRC) has admitted that everything is their fault, and have promised to be better in future.

In a press release this morning, SRC President Worstpun Sumbahdi expressed the Council’s regret.

“When I logged on to the SRC facebook page this weekend and saw people asking me what was to be done about the sleeping security guards, the terrible weather, the broken roads, and everything thing else that makes the world a harsh, brutal place to live in, I knew we had screwed up big time,” he said.

Many other Councillors added their heartfelt apologies to the document.

“I know I should have stopped the rain and saved the roads,” said Weather Control Councillor Carey Stopfluds. “In future, I’ll do my best to stop these acts of god.”

However, Sumbahdi added that they were in the process of working out exactly whose fault each individual problem was.

“We’re launching an internal investigation. So far, our crack team has determined that I’m to blame for the dropping rand, while Tom Changemore, our Activism and Transformation Councillor, was behind the Marikana massacre, the rising petrol prices, and the shortage of food at Pick ‘n Pay,” he said, adding that these were just the preliminary findings. “We’re still trying to find out who was responsible for the power cuts and horrible Grahamstown water.”

When pushed for comment about what the SRC was going to do about all the recent dramatic occurrences at Rhodes and across the Eastern Cape, the President was clear.
“Purple Thursday,” he replied, “ ’nuff said”.

The SRC has since taken drastic action to ensure that this travesty never happens again.

“We’ve hired a team of crack bones-throwers and sangomas to make certain that our students never have to suffer again,” said SRC Media Liaison, Rick O’fay. “We’re also looking into getting some crystal balls, or perhaps creating a SRC Prophetic Clairvoyance Councillor portfolio.”

Students have met this apology with contentment.

“At first I wasn’t sure whose fault it was that my car didn’t start this morning, but now I’m glad to know that it was those guys. Now we can all move forward,” said third-year Finances student John Whinemore.

Other students have stressed similar thoughts.

“We can just forgive and forget,” said first-year Constance Bichin, “at least until the next time a security guard sleeps outside the library.”

Musicians charge entrance at gig, outrage audience

Performers' decision angers local community. Pic: Karol Glab

Musicians performing at a local bar in Grahamstown have shocked and offended fans by charging an entrance fee to their gig, says local resident Dontwa Napay.

“It was utterly unacceptable. Why should we have to pay to listen to their music? I mean, it’s not like it’s their major source of income or that they put many hours of practice into their performances, or that they need to cash to buy new strings or maintain their instruments. They should just do it for the love of music, and not for money,” he said.

Inta Netpyrat, a third-year IS student, agreed.  “Music is free online anyway, and these musicians obviously all have multi-million-dollar recording contracts, private islands and yachts covered in scantily-clad nubile groupies. I don’t see why I should pay them, she said.

Other residents have since aired similar views. 

“It’s outrageous,” said third-year psychology student, Froyd Jung. “I mean, they wanted us to pay a whole ten bucks,” he said, disgust filling his features as he bought a round of drinks for R86, before flipping the unmusical bartender a R5 tip. “Flip, I mean, that’s almost as much as a boere’ roll on the way home. And besides, there were only 6 acts spanning 5 hours. Hell, they should be paying us for coming,” he said..

Maria Steinberg, another student, agreed. “If they’re really good, I’ll tell them that they’re awesome, and then maybe, just maybe, I’ll buy them a beer. But not, like, a whole quart or anything,” she said. “That would just be silly.”

Local bar owner and events organiser, Giveya Nokash said that it was understandable that residents are so up in arms against the sudden move.

“When the bands come and play, we help them out by giving them advertising and a space to perform. Sure, the acoustics are retarded and sound like you’re playing in a public toilet, and yes, we deduct money from their pay to cover advertising costs, and no, we don’t give them a cut of the drinks they help us to sell or of the business they bring in, but in all seriousness they should be grateful and thankful, knowing the fact that they have our gratitude,” he said, before adding that this gratitude was in no way redeemable for cash.

Another venue owner, Timothy Tightfist, said that he felt the musicians’ action was highly selfish and uncalled for. “The current system of payment we have in place – that is, a free drink at the bar after 40min, or R100 split between the exploite… er, I mean, band members – is a fair one. These bloody musicians are no different from those bloody miners, just asking for more money for no damn reason. Just because they dig in a deep hole all day, under hundreds of feet of crushing rock that could come crashing down at any second. It makes me sick,” he said.

The musicians could not be reached for comment, as they had all starved to death in an unheated shack

Apple moves to ban all white rectangles

Apple Corporation yesterday unveiled its latest court plans, announced head lawyer for Apple, Sue Hevriehuan.

“Drawing on our latest successes in the courtroom, we’re now focusing our energies on getting any and all appliances that are similar to our range of devices off the market. Basically, we’re looking to ban all white rectangles,” she said in a statement.

White rectangles, such as this, and anything that kind of resembles them may soon be banned altogether.

The ramifications of such a goal are far-reaching, with manufacturers of many different products, from fridges, sandboxes, cars, to other handheld devices and even pencil erasers, voicing their worries.

“It’s distressing. Currently, the system of checking whether someone has ‘copied’ Apple products is to blur your eyes slightly and squint at the offending item. I mean, after twelve beers even my toilet looks like an Apple product. Before long, we’ll be pissing outside like animals,” said CEO of fridge manufacturing company Freezy Eezy, James Coldermaker.

However, Apple’s successes in court have excited many other manufacturers and companies.

“If I had know that having something merely resemble something else is grounds for multi-million dollar settlements, I’d have sued my younger twin brother years ago,” said 32-year-old construction worker Siam Eez.

Others have voiced similar excitement. “I wrote a song two years ago, and then Coldplay wrote a song. I mean, they kinda sound the same, you know, if you really, really listen hard for the few similarities, like they both use words and musical notes, but still. I want my share of stolen revenues,” said Flo Rida, who pretends to be a musician when he isn’t being talentless and overrated.

Even fans of Apple software have lauded the decision.

“I, like, use my, like, iPhone for, like, everything, and, like, Samsung and, like, all those other guys just can’t, like, just copy and, like, expect to, like, get away with it,” said 12-year-old Hasa Ritchdad, who currently holds the Guinness World Record for Most Times Saying The Word “like” In A Single, like, Sentence.

BFA graduate, professional Instagram digital editor and blogger (a.k.a. unemployed) Havno Reeljob aired similar thoughts. “Samsung and those other companies have no originality or creativity and just steal previously established ideas, pretending like it’s new and fresh and fashionable” he said, brushing dust off his grandfather’s tweed jacket and adding a sepia filter to his friend’s photos.

However, Apple’s decision has attracted many counter-lawsuits, with map company Tom Tom and door-makers Willow & Sons submitting claims to the International Copyright Court.

“We were making terribly inaccurate mapping and guidance systems way, way before they royally screwed it up. Sure, they bought some maps from us, but that doesn’t mean they should copy our mediocrity to such a massive extent,” said Tom Tom lead director James McGillis.

Willow & Sons has also started court proceedings against the computing giant.

“We came up with a slide-to-release function on our products about 254 years ago. They can’t just take it and pretend it’s theirs!” said company CEO Doran Lock.

Despite the possible negative outcomes of such a decision, Hevriehuan is certain that their court battle will, in the end, be successful.

“We’re a multi-billion dollar company that tricked millions of people into buying the same phone over and over again. I’m sure we’ll have no trouble winning over a few judges.”

Steve Jobs could not be reached for comment because he was too busy rolling in his grave.