According to a statement issued this morning by coroners and doctors at Qualia Hospital, your dignity passed away in the early hours of this morning, following a serious incident at Friar Tuck's last night.
It was just 21 years old.
"I just can't believe it's gone," said your friend John, the one who always asks you for R5 at the Kaif. "It survived so much before that: upside-down shots, Greek Soc parties, your falling asleep in a ditch naked, you hooking up with your tutor... that it's gone now is just so unexpected."
According to eyewitness reports on scene at Friar Tucks on Friday night, the trouble first started with the double tequila shots you ordered.
"When I saw Olmeca Gold come out, I knew that the night would end in tears and tragedy," said the DJ at Friars, who took time off asking if there were any first-years on the dancefloor to speak to our reporter. "Then, when you upgraded to Strau Rum, I knew that it would be much worse than that."
Sources close to your dignity said that the first symptoms of Sudden Dignity Death Syndrome (also known as Big Bender syndrome, or Friar's Dancefloor Syndrome) appeared when you went up to your old girlfriend and told her that you still loved her.
"You just walked right up and slurred 'hello', and she was like 'oh hey' and then you were like 'oh god jess im still in love like i think about u all the time' and she was like 'oh god not this'," said another close friend of yours whose car you vomitted in, Barry Olman.
Olman added that the final nail was hammered in the coffin when you chundered by the bar. "At that stage, I knew there was no going back," he said.
According to police officials on scene, the remains of your dignity were found in Kotch Creek, using a broken tree branch as a blanket.
It was an oak branch, too," said police constable Jake Manders, whose name keeps appearing in these kinds of articles. "Everyone who's ever passed out under a tree branch knows that its lack of leaf coverage means that it is not an effective mare blanket."
Friends and family who knew your dignity are invited to mourn its passing this weekend on facebook, where memorial photos of its last moments were uploaded by that asshole friend of yours who thinks it's hilarious to capture these kinds of things on film and then show the whole fucking world.
Your dignity is survived by a hangover, a shakey recollection of what happened last night, a woozy stomach, and a really stupid claim that you'll "never drink ever again."
