Satan announces plans to expand Hell

Following reiterations by the major religions of the world concerning who would burn for all eternity for their sins, the Dark Lord has announced that they have been forced to begin expansions to the endless bonfire of damnation.

Hell, currently the home of endless anguish to some 5 billion souls, just isn't big enough to deal with these expected numbers, said Lucifer.

The Underlord of Anguish and Misery first started his small business 6000 years ago, after disagreements led him to his retirement and banishment from his last job at Pearly Gates, Inc. It is now the largest not-for-profit (and also not-for-prophet) self-starter organisation in existence.

"Me and the boss there had a tiff a few thousand years ago, but I think it was all for the better," he said, reclining on his atheist-skin couch. 

"We've had a booming industry in the past few millenia, and we only expect to get bigger as more religions come up."

When asked which religion he was accepting into his pits of torment, he smiled.

"We're not like that other place. We don't discriminate. If you fuck up up there, you're fucked down here. Sometimes literally," he said, pointing out a device that we won't describe except to say that it looks like it causes assloads of pain.

The move has come just in time: recently the Vatican confirmed that atheists are definitely going to hell.

"We weren't too worried about that. The Church has always been pretty clear on what happens to people who have the nerve and cheek to hold different opinions to them," he said, sipping the blood of unChristened infants.

"We've always accounted for those numbers, just as we've accounted for the people who are probably coming here because they're selfish misguided assholes who hide prejudice behind a thin veil of religious indoctrination. Besides, there's a lot more room here than people think, especially since gay people aren't coming here. Yeah, they aren't. Fucking deal with it."

Still, they've had to expand, and have even rented space on Rhodes University. 

"It's SWOT week right now over there," he said. "Hell comes in many shapes and sizes."

The Vatican could not be reached for comment. Goddamn Vodacom signal.

Government doesn't steal R10 million

In a shocking turn of developments yesterday afternoon, the government didn't steal R10 million.

According to eyewitnesses on the scene, the cash was just lying there in an account that official record keepers had totally forgotten about.

"It was earmarked for 'corruption policymaking' or 'education sector development', which was probably why everyone had forgotten it was there," said one man, Ted Manners. 

Since the report, an inquiry has revealed that some 42 MPs and 13 municipality leaders knew about the available millions, but made no discernible move to take it."

Over 55 people knew about this money, and they all didn't touch it," said the inquiry. "As such, this is the greatest step forward in South African politics since '94."

he government has been quick to respond to the matter, saying that it is outraged such a thing could have even been conceived to occur.

"We don't know why or how this happened, but we can assure the people of South Africa that we are doing everything in our power to ensure it doesn't happen again," said government spokesperson Mike Ash.

"We have a very widely-accepted image to uphold, and we want everyone to get the level of governance that they've always voted for."

Government to change ID photo policy

Following social media developments and the advent of instagram, the South African government is implementing a new passport and ID photo policy.

"We use these documents to try and identify you," said the press release. "But actually no one looks anything at all like what they do on facebook and twitter."

When asked for comment, the Minister of Passport Photos and Women said that it's a reasonable move. 

"My son's passport makes him look like an upstanding, contributing member of society. But I know the truth.On facebook and twitter, he's a drunken alcoholic misanthrope who never wears anything but beaters and sunglasses."

The government has since published new guidelines concerning these legal documents.

"Filters, many people in one shot, badly cropped pics, selfies, duckface... these are all preferable to normal, face-on profile shots," it said.

Artist's impression of future ID documents

The document went on to outline the benefits of these.

"Using these pictures in conjunction with facebook and twitter, we believe, will result in higher identification and conviction rates for criminal activity." 

Many people have met the decision with praise, including all your friends, who are glad they won't have to laugh at your ID photos any more.