Grahamstown municipality cuts water, saves countless lives

pic: Wikimedia Commons

In an attempt to improve health and safety measures in the Grahamstown community, Makana Municipality has today cut off the water supply.

“Just taste the water. Taste it. Clearly you shouldn't drink something that foul. By doing this, we’re saving countless lives,” said mayor of Grahamstown, Igno Ramus.

“Some people said that we should replace the broken or faulty pipes and give our water treatment plants a complete overhaul, but as soon as I heard that that would mean cutting funds to my Mercedes-Benz kickbacks bonus, I knew that there had to be better ways to solve the problem. And I think we have found the solution,” he said.

Grahamstown water is current purified in an intense, 3-step filtration process. The water is passed though a fine cotton sheet, before going through two rigourous sand filters. It is finally forced through a not-too-dirty sock before being pumped back into the pipes.

“Some might say that the system needs replacement. Kak, man. A boere maak a plan,” said head of Grahamstown water works Phil Tehr.

The mayor stressed that in these measures he was just “jumping to the inevitable”. 

“The last time these pipes were replaced, Verwoede had just been elected into government. That’s very convenient for me, because blaming that dead dude is very popular these days. Besides, the pipes were gonna all cut out one day. I just made that ‘one day’ ‘today’,” he said.

Pulling out a report carried out by the Department of Science, Ramus showed how it was scientifically proven that water was extremely dangerous.

“In 100% of recorded cases, drowning has involved water. The same applies for 100% of shipwrecks. The evidence speaks for itself,” he said. “By stopping this poisonous substance, we will never again have another drowning or shipwreck in Grahamstown again.”

The major also stressed the health benefits of not having water.

“Now we are promoting a culture of exercise. Everyone can take walks to the spring to get their water,” Ramus said.

He also expressed concerns about the high levels of metal found in the water. 

“In some places our men have dug up aluminium water pipes. They were iron when we put them in the ground,” he said.

Residents have met the move with praise.

“I used to drink the water out the tap because I was too lazy to get proper, healthy water. Now, although I have no choice. This will also cut down a lot on first-year spread,” said second-year Finance student, Hugh Jass.

“This move will be very positive for the community and for people’s health and safety,” said manager of local bottled water supplier Aquavie, Eumust Pai. “It has nothing to do with our business and the sickeningly awesome profits that we’re going to rake in,” he said, adding that the decision to cut water also had nothing to do with the brown envelopes he had been sending the Mayor every month. “Besides, it’s not money in those envelopes, cross my heart, Scout’s honour. It’s just our weekly newsletter.” 

Some businesses, however, have criticised the move.

"I used to use banned class-5 toxic pesticides to kill the bugs that ate my crops, but I switched over to Grahamstown tap water because it's much cheaper and probably more deadly," said local farmer James Ploughfields, who made a small fortune in farming after starting with a big one. "This is gonna make farming so much more expensive."

Since the move, the Municipality has announced similar plans to cut other services, such as electricity, transport and police services.

“initial research shows that 100% of electrocutions involve electricity and sometimes stupidity. Since parliament has taken the worst of the idiots off the street and put them safely into government, we just have to do something about Eskom,” said Ramus.

He hoped that electricity would be banned outright by the end of the year. “It’s a selfless, move to protect the masses,” he said, hiding a Johnston’s Candles supplier tender proposal and accompanying bottle of Chivas Regal behind his back.

He aired similar views about other services.

“Where there are police, there is crime. By getting rid of police, we’ll be getting rid of crime. It’s that simple”. 

When asked if he knew what a logical fallacy was, he expressed anger.
“Don’t talk to me about logical phalluses. It’s disrespectful to our culture and president.”

Upon hearing this these proposals, students in particular expressed gratitude and excitement. 

"No electricity means no essays and more extensions. Sure, it'll negatively affect our education, but I'm studying Latin and Mesopotamian History. It's not like I'll use those in a job one day anyway," said fourth-year student Philip Burgers.

Other students have aired similar happiness.

"Sure, you can’t flush toilets, and every residence now smells like Saddam Hussein’s spiderhole after 18 months in hiding, but we think it’s worth all the lives we’ve saved. And yes, you can’t brush your teeth, but you can just scrape them with a twig from licorice bush, gum tree, or the Salvadora Persica tree. You know, old-school style. Besides, personal hygience, showering and maintaining a necessary level of hydration are overrated," said English student Toby Ornotobi.

The move has, however, brought about some criticism, especially from the government.

“We thought that Zuma was clear when he said that showers stop AIDS. The Mayor’s move will only exacerbate this disease that doesn't exist,” said MEC for Health and ex-AIDS Policy-maker for the Mbeki regime, Eimin de Nile.

However, the Mayor was quick to point out that there were methods of dealing with this.
“We are shipping in large quantities of garlic, lemon, and African Beetroot to counteract any negative effects this initiative might have.”

Purple Thursday cures cancer, ends world hunger

Scientific studies from leading experts have left the world in shock after discovering that Purple Thursday is more than just an excuse to wear purple.

“When we first created it, Purple Thursday was our answer to everything,” said Student Representative Council (SRC) President Eumatter Sumbadhi. “’What are you gonna do about racism?’ they asked us. ‘Purple Thursday,’ we replied. What measures are in place to celebrate diversity and spread awareness for various campaigns? Purple Thursday. It solved anything, man.”

However, according to witness reports, the hitherto unknown mystical powers of the event quickly became apparent – Purple Thursday solved more than just social issues.

“I was feeling a bit under the weather one day, and my friend joked that I should go to Purple Thursday. I went, did my thing, and just like that my hangover dry cough was gone,” said first-year Finance student James Marion. “I knew that there had to be a link between the two.”

And soon enough scientists from the Rhodes University Department of Biochemistry had confirmed the rumours.

“We started with a sample of one hundred rodents – a fitting animal choice, I think you’ll agree. These rats had been diagnosed with various forms of cancer and leukaemia. We painted them purple, gave them some free pens, took a couple of cheesy pictures with them, posted these all on facebook, and lo and behold, the next day the cancer had totally disappeared,” said lead scientist for the project Dr Allan Quack. “It’s a modern-day miracle.”

Leaders from around the globe have marvelled at the event, hailing it as the best thing “since a beer twist-cap”. Similar tribute events have been kick-started in countries around the world, from famine-stricken Somalia to war-torn Afghanistan. The results have been astounding.

“We used to starve every day and fear for pirates until this so-called ‘Purple Thursday’ came along,” said a local Somali fisherman, grinning feverishly as he clutched the Scooters voucher he had just won in a lucky draw. “This day has changed everything. Now the only thing we fear is that the pirates will beat us in the 'most gees' photo competition.”

However, world hunger is not the only thing that has disappeared overnight. War, religious conflict, and homophobia have been reported to have utterly vanished across the globe.

“I remember when we used to bomb each other every day because we disagreed about whose land this was,” said Hamas soldier Al Ahu Akabar, an arm draped around his new Israeli friend who had just won the prize for ‘best dressed’. “Then we both realised that we were fighting over eternally pissed-off camels, endless desert and a sea that’s saltier and more disgusting than the Wednesday night Halaal-Fast res meal. Not exactly the promised land. There isn’t even a Debonair’s here.”

Uganda has seen its raging homophobia disappear in a poof overnight.

“I used to hate gays with all my soul,” said David Bahati, who introduced the October 2009 Anti-Homosexuality Bill, which threatened homosexuals with the death penalty. “I even said that I wanted to kill every last gay person. Now, thanks to Rhodes University's fantastic initiative, I realise that I’m just a hateful moron who believes that television encourages kids to be gay and who can’t stand the idea of two men holding hands,” he said, adding that in the spirit of the change they might even change the day to be a "Pink Thursday".

The effects of Purple Thursday, however, have also been evident closer to home in South Africa.

“Since the day has gone viral, corruption has shot down dramatically, meaning that now only 70% of taxpayers’ hard-earned Rands is misspent or ends up funding Chivas and Mercedes Z-classes,” said government spokesperson for Social Change, Inna Fectual. “The only thing Purple Thursday hasn’t fixed so far is the tap water in Grahamstown and our failing education system,” he said. “But let’s just be honest: it’ll take a bloody miracle to do that.”

SRC confesses guilt, apologises

Following extended controversy and student outcry on innumerable topics of debate, the Rhodes University Student Representative Council (SRC) has admitted that everything is their fault, and have promised to be better in future.

In a press release this morning, SRC President Worstpun Sumbahdi expressed the Council’s regret.

“When I logged on to the SRC facebook page this weekend and saw people asking me what was to be done about the sleeping security guards, the terrible weather, the broken roads, and everything thing else that makes the world a harsh, brutal place to live in, I knew we had screwed up big time,” he said.

Many other Councillors added their heartfelt apologies to the document.

“I know I should have stopped the rain and saved the roads,” said Weather Control Councillor Carey Stopfluds. “In future, I’ll do my best to stop these acts of god.”

However, Sumbahdi added that they were in the process of working out exactly whose fault each individual problem was.

“We’re launching an internal investigation. So far, our crack team has determined that I’m to blame for the dropping rand, while Tom Changemore, our Activism and Transformation Councillor, was behind the Marikana massacre, the rising petrol prices, and the shortage of food at Pick ‘n Pay,” he said, adding that these were just the preliminary findings. “We’re still trying to find out who was responsible for the power cuts and horrible Grahamstown water.”

When pushed for comment about what the SRC was going to do about all the recent dramatic occurrences at Rhodes and across the Eastern Cape, the President was clear.
“Purple Thursday,” he replied, “ ’nuff said”.

The SRC has since taken drastic action to ensure that this travesty never happens again.

“We’ve hired a team of crack bones-throwers and sangomas to make certain that our students never have to suffer again,” said SRC Media Liaison, Rick O’fay. “We’re also looking into getting some crystal balls, or perhaps creating a SRC Prophetic Clairvoyance Councillor portfolio.”

Students have met this apology with contentment.

“At first I wasn’t sure whose fault it was that my car didn’t start this morning, but now I’m glad to know that it was those guys. Now we can all move forward,” said third-year Finances student John Whinemore.

Other students have stressed similar thoughts.

“We can just forgive and forget,” said first-year Constance Bichin, “at least until the next time a security guard sleeps outside the library.”

Musicians charge entrance at gig, outrage audience

Performers' decision angers local community. Pic: Karol Glab

Musicians performing at a local bar in Grahamstown have shocked and offended fans by charging an entrance fee to their gig, says local resident Dontwa Napay.

“It was utterly unacceptable. Why should we have to pay to listen to their music? I mean, it’s not like it’s their major source of income or that they put many hours of practice into their performances, or that they need to cash to buy new strings or maintain their instruments. They should just do it for the love of music, and not for money,” he said.

Inta Netpyrat, a third-year IS student, agreed.  “Music is free online anyway, and these musicians obviously all have multi-million-dollar recording contracts, private islands and yachts covered in scantily-clad nubile groupies. I don’t see why I should pay them, she said.

Other residents have since aired similar views. 

“It’s outrageous,” said third-year psychology student, Froyd Jung. “I mean, they wanted us to pay a whole ten bucks,” he said, disgust filling his features as he bought a round of drinks for R86, before flipping the unmusical bartender a R5 tip. “Flip, I mean, that’s almost as much as a boere’ roll on the way home. And besides, there were only 6 acts spanning 5 hours. Hell, they should be paying us for coming,” he said..

Maria Steinberg, another student, agreed. “If they’re really good, I’ll tell them that they’re awesome, and then maybe, just maybe, I’ll buy them a beer. But not, like, a whole quart or anything,” she said. “That would just be silly.”

Local bar owner and events organiser, Giveya Nokash said that it was understandable that residents are so up in arms against the sudden move.

“When the bands come and play, we help them out by giving them advertising and a space to perform. Sure, the acoustics are retarded and sound like you’re playing in a public toilet, and yes, we deduct money from their pay to cover advertising costs, and no, we don’t give them a cut of the drinks they help us to sell or of the business they bring in, but in all seriousness they should be grateful and thankful, knowing the fact that they have our gratitude,” he said, before adding that this gratitude was in no way redeemable for cash.

Another venue owner, Timothy Tightfist, said that he felt the musicians’ action was highly selfish and uncalled for. “The current system of payment we have in place – that is, a free drink at the bar after 40min, or R100 split between the exploite… er, I mean, band members – is a fair one. These bloody musicians are no different from those bloody miners, just asking for more money for no damn reason. Just because they dig in a deep hole all day, under hundreds of feet of crushing rock that could come crashing down at any second. It makes me sick,” he said.

The musicians could not be reached for comment, as they had all starved to death in an unheated shack

Apple moves to ban all white rectangles

Apple Corporation yesterday unveiled its latest court plans, announced head lawyer for Apple, Sue Hevriehuan.

“Drawing on our latest successes in the courtroom, we’re now focusing our energies on getting any and all appliances that are similar to our range of devices off the market. Basically, we’re looking to ban all white rectangles,” she said in a statement.

White rectangles, such as this, and anything that kind of resembles them may soon be banned altogether.

The ramifications of such a goal are far-reaching, with manufacturers of many different products, from fridges, sandboxes, cars, to other handheld devices and even pencil erasers, voicing their worries.

“It’s distressing. Currently, the system of checking whether someone has ‘copied’ Apple products is to blur your eyes slightly and squint at the offending item. I mean, after twelve beers even my toilet looks like an Apple product. Before long, we’ll be pissing outside like animals,” said CEO of fridge manufacturing company Freezy Eezy, James Coldermaker.

However, Apple’s successes in court have excited many other manufacturers and companies.

“If I had know that having something merely resemble something else is grounds for multi-million dollar settlements, I’d have sued my younger twin brother years ago,” said 32-year-old construction worker Siam Eez.

Others have voiced similar excitement. “I wrote a song two years ago, and then Coldplay wrote a song. I mean, they kinda sound the same, you know, if you really, really listen hard for the few similarities, like they both use words and musical notes, but still. I want my share of stolen revenues,” said Flo Rida, who pretends to be a musician when he isn’t being talentless and overrated.

Even fans of Apple software have lauded the decision.

“I, like, use my, like, iPhone for, like, everything, and, like, Samsung and, like, all those other guys just can’t, like, just copy and, like, expect to, like, get away with it,” said 12-year-old Hasa Ritchdad, who currently holds the Guinness World Record for Most Times Saying The Word “like” In A Single, like, Sentence.

BFA graduate, professional Instagram digital editor and blogger (a.k.a. unemployed) Havno Reeljob aired similar thoughts. “Samsung and those other companies have no originality or creativity and just steal previously established ideas, pretending like it’s new and fresh and fashionable” he said, brushing dust off his grandfather’s tweed jacket and adding a sepia filter to his friend’s photos.

However, Apple’s decision has attracted many counter-lawsuits, with map company Tom Tom and door-makers Willow & Sons submitting claims to the International Copyright Court.

“We were making terribly inaccurate mapping and guidance systems way, way before they royally screwed it up. Sure, they bought some maps from us, but that doesn’t mean they should copy our mediocrity to such a massive extent,” said Tom Tom lead director James McGillis.

Willow & Sons has also started court proceedings against the computing giant.

“We came up with a slide-to-release function on our products about 254 years ago. They can’t just take it and pretend it’s theirs!” said company CEO Doran Lock.

Despite the possible negative outcomes of such a decision, Hevriehuan is certain that their court battle will, in the end, be successful.

“We’re a multi-billion dollar company that tricked millions of people into buying the same phone over and over again. I’m sure we’ll have no trouble winning over a few judges.”

Steve Jobs could not be reached for comment because he was too busy rolling in his grave.

Why the SRC Grazzle doesn’t matter

For those of you expecting my usual satirical poke at Rhodes’ or the SRC’s latest shortcomings, I apologise in advance: this post is a departure from my recent tongue-firmly-in-cheek style, and for good reason. The SRC elections, I have decided, are a subject that warrant serious consideration. As much as many students would want me to believe, these elections are no joke. We are in the process of choosing people who would represent us, the entire student body, speaking with our voice.

The Grazzle last night was… long (4 hours long). Long, I say, but not a waste of time. Rather to the contrary, I found it to be crucial in my making an informed decision about who I want speaking for me next year, instead of just picking the best poster, nicest smile or catchiest catchphrase.

Though there were some fantastic candidates up on the podium, there was a lot at the Grazzle to be disappointed about. Overall, it showed the general lack of maturity on the part of us students. We complain about ineffective or ineffectual leaders in the SRC, who (as much criticism pointed out) don’t deliver on their promises, delay societies’ much-needed funds, and generally contribute to and justify the prevailing mindset of student apathy at Rhodes. But we have to remember one disconcerting fact: we’re the ones who chose these leaders.

Now, I say “immature” because that is what the air at the Grazzle was. I say “immature” because much of the Grazzle was just a spectacle: of jibes, of emotionally-driven arguments, and sometimes even personal attacks stemming from presumptive natures. One guy in front of me had even brought popcorn for ‘the show’.

We are, it seems, a student body that is easily tricked and blind-sided by demagogy and this new-age obsession with highfalutin, largely irrelevant revolutionary vocabulary. Take, for example, Malaika Mahlatsi’s opening salutation: “greetings, sons and daughters of the earth”. Her being in first year and having no real leadership qualifications, as well as her claims that “the people don’t need liberators, they shall liberate themselves” are concerning, as is her opening line: “I promise nothing”. She says that she will change the agenda to meet the needs to the people, and engage with students via various communication channels (ad SRC naseum, blah blah blah), but what kind of office will operate effectively without having a defined, clear goal that doesn’t beat around the bush?

Another problem (and one that I’ve been rightfully chided on by Jean-Michel Gaud) is loyalist voting. I’ll admit, Brad Bense is a friend of mine. Gaud’s criticism made me realised that I – no, all of us at Rhodes – need to be more critical about whose name we tick come the election day. At the Grazzle, there was much screaming and cheering for candidates whom, I’ll be honest, I hadn’t seen anything about but posters. We’re in danger of this becoming a popularity contest where unlimited printing credit is key.

We’re also immature because we get played so easily by emotionally-charged appeals. Take, for example, Carey Frazer. Running for SRC Projects Manger, she all but begged the audience for their votes in an emotionally-charged tone of near desperation. Her campaign promised to highlight “social events” and touched on that old, cliché Dean of Students chestnut of No Alcohol. What, I wanted to ask, is her drive to make campaigns and projects that matter? For the past year I have been trying – and mostly failing – to succeed in my desire to erect a Reverse-osmosis filtration unit on campus, allowing everyone at Rhodes safe, clean water and freedom from the maybe-toxic, we-don’t-really-know municipal water that tastes like an iron bar dipped in mud. The thing is, I lack the resources, official backing and contacts to make such a project simple and possible: Carey could do much more than I, and yet her biggest concern is turning the SRC into the Hellenic Society or some other such Mare central.

Another problem: “AH! SHEE! YOH!"
Words to this effect punctuated almost every response and question. Mohammed Shabangu (who really, really did a fantastic job chairing the Grazzle, his clipped and no-nonsense tone forcing questions to be concise, relevant and to-the-point) has his work cut out for him trying to keep decorum. The problem with this is that firstly, it wasted time, and secondly, it makes valid, reasonable questions seem personal attacks or it overemphasises the usefulness/relevance of the candidates’ responses. “Well, if you’d read my manifesto…” said one candidate to massive, unwarranted and unsolicited outcries, making the member of the audience seem a moron and totally deflecting the question posed. These outbursts also makes everything seem melodramatic: simple questions become massive critiques, and lead to a few storm-outs. We need, in future, to be more level-headed. This is our future, not a Drama production.

Another worry was the tendency of “When in doubt, say ‘Purple Thursday’”. A question I got to ask (to Ndana Tendayi, running for International Councillor) was, “Apart from a few intermittent celebratory weeks and the International Week celebrations, there is very little in place to fully celebrate the diversity of nationalities at Rhodes. What do you intend to put into effect to change this, and celebrate diversity more fully?”. She seemed confused for a second, as if my question were stupid, and then simply said “Purple Thursday”, to a massive, “YOH” and general, unnecessary cheers from the crowd. She had, it seemed from the audience reaction, answered the question fully. Or entertained them. I’m not sure which mattered more.
Sure, Ndana approached me after the Grazzle and discussed the matter further with me, giving me a more useful answer, but by that stage the damage had been done. Words in private will never sway the power of public words.

On the subject of answers to questions, some did their utmost best to just not answer the question, or answer with a question, or just waffle on (the French have  a nice verb, “palabre”) until the audience are too bored to care that they haven’t been answered.

There was also an unbelievably drunk guy at the back. Always a nice touch. You, sir - whoever you are - who would make a mockery of this election, are a mockery of a man. You should be ashamed of yourself.

However, the most disappointing thing about the Grazzle is that even if it changes the vote, it will only shift the results slightly. This Grazzle was one of the most attended in a long while: there were maybe just under 200 people who witnessed the proceedings, and this is only a slice of the 7000-odd students that go to Rhodes and vote. The biggest shock to my system was Sarah Price Jones, the infamous Pink Link candidate whose pink-centred campaign and controversial video caused much debate (and, I’ll warrant, was the reason so many attended the Grazzle). 

Her video paints her as ditsy and not-to-be-taken-seriously-at-all. Her speech, presentation of her values, confidence, and her responses to the questions posed, however (at least to my reckoning), were great, to-the-point and a real eye-opener. However, though I now believe that she could actually do a good job as Media Councillor, I fear that the vast majority of voters - the haters, internet trolls and incredulous students who saw the campaign but did not attend the Grazzle - will never see this side of her. In effect her campaign, I feel, has damned her, a promising candidate.

The War of SRC Elections is not won at the Battle of Grazzle, but instead at the Battle of The Poster, Catchphrase and Video.

*----------------------------------------------------------------*

Here endeth the post: you may read on, if you wish, to see a little bit more detail on each candidate and my personal appraisal of their suitability for office. If you missed the Grazzle, this wouldn’t be a bad opportunity to get some notion of what they are like behind the poster.

SRC President

Brad Bense
“Umlungu”
Brad operated from a strong position of experience following his successes as 2012 Media Councillor. He is, I feel, more on-the-ground and cares passionately about student issues. His track record make him a promising candidate, and he has experience in the SRC. Only down points? His presentation was slightly flustered, and his campaign very controversial - though we have yet to be sure if it’s in a good or a bad way.

Sahke’ Badi
“Everybody needs some Badi”
Sahke’ is also an experienced individual, and didn’t seem as flustered as Brad. His speech was level, clear and to-the-point, and his answers (except for one, which was in the form of a question) were informed and relevant.

SECRETARY GENERAL

Mathaabe Thabane
A strong, promising candidate in an uncontested portfolio. An Honours student, Thabane appears experienced, outspoken and no-nonsense. Her vision for next year is thorough and builds on accountability. Flaws? Appears brash: presumed Bense was being arrogant and called him out publically on this, totally misinterpreting his words where she should have first sought clarity.

TREASURER

Alyssa Shawntay Williams
Not present at the debate.

Ntiskelelo Qoyo
Appears loved by the crowd. Promises reform on Societies funding processes, and claims that he will aim for full accountability next year. Also promised to publically publish the Financial Report in the various student media, but this is a promise that has been made and broken in the past.

ACADEMIC

Vuyolwethu Toli
An outspoken candidate who seemed popular with the audience, Vuyo seems to have a good idea of where this Portfolio should be heading if he is elected.

Victor Mafuku
A strongly-worded individual, Victor’s promises were many. However, his manifesto doesn’t say with any specificity just what he intend to do to solve the issues of academia at Rhodes (such as the abysmal Accounting 3 pass rate), and his conduct in the SRC facebook page has been less than savoury and not indicative of a clear-headed, mature candidate who can respond to criticism.

STUDENT BENEFIT AND SPONSORSHIP

Naledi Pholo
Naledi aims at increasing the student Bail-out fund and the pocket money fund for students on grants. She seems on the ball, with clear ideas as to fund-raising initiatives and corporate sponsorship. She did not, however, adequately respond to an audience member’s question concerning better transport systems (the questioner was forced to live in town, closer to the University and at a much higher rent, thanks in part to inadequate transport initiatives).

COMMUNITY ENGAGEMENT

Thabo Seshoka
Thabo is running for his second year in this portfolio, and has a host of initiative that he wants to expand, continue and build upon. His presentation and responses to questions were good, but questions still remain (at least in the audience’s mind) as to why he says there is “still so much left to do”. “Why haven’t you done it already?” they retort.

ACTIVISM AND TRANSFORMATION

Mbongeni Ngwenya

Mbongeni seems confident and has plans for the years ahead, but falls a little flat with the cliché argument that he “wants to engage more with the students to find out their needs” (a promise made by several candidates). His responses to questions wasn’t fully up to scratch, and seemed a bit waffle-y.

Malaika Mahlatsi
Prone to silly phraseology (“greetings, sons and daughters of the earth” – said not once, but twice), Mahlatsi’s campaign built on one confusing opening statement: “I won’t promise anything”. A first-year student who claims much experience in “various NGOs”, Mahlatsi’s suitability for office is questionable, especially as she hasn’t yet had a full year at Rhodes. Her response to Michelle Solomon” (a huge woman’s rights and sexual violence activist) questions were not, in my opinion, sufficient. “The people don’t need liberators; they shall liberate themselves”. One can only hope that her apparent popularity with the audience is more an indication of her suitability than her campaign, which seems to lack a unified direction and clear-cut goal or mission.

MEDIA

Sarah Price Jones
“Your link to pink”

Building off a hugely controversial campaign, Sarah’s presentation at the Grazzle was nothing short of surprising. Clear, driven and confident, Sarah responded quickly and easily to questions (especially tactfully to the question concerning her inability to handle criticsm), and admitted that she had erred a little in her judgement, saying that the video was “made out of amusement” and apologising.  I would have to say that Sarah was one of the more promising individuals at the Grazzle (maybe because of my prejudice towards her stemming from her campaign?). One can only hope that her presentation at Grazzle can overcome the image that students have ingrained in their heads following her Pink campaign.

Lulama Qongqo
Speaking to the point, Qongqo aimed for more work between the various media at Rhodes to allow for full accountability. She seemed set on maximising full communication between the SRC and students (especially those who lack internet), and promised many things: a text message service, a new website, and other social media platforms, such as BBM. However, when questioned as to how she would do all this and where the money would come from, she couldn’t answer properly.

Kirsten Allnutt
Coming in strong off a very clean, professional campaign of well-designed posters, and giving a strong speech that seemed to rub well with the audience, Allnutt seems to be a promising candidate who is taking the election process seriously, giving a clear vision of what she would do if elected (and not once mentioning Purple Thursday, thank god). The only two criticisms I can direct to her was her slight flusteredness at the podium, and her inability to fully deal with two (very difficult) questions asking her what she would do in her position to stand against the proposed Protection of Access to Information Bill. However, a strong campaign should work in her favour.

PROJECT MANAGER

Carey Frazer
Giving an appealing, lively speech and seeming to win the audience’s favour, Frazer outlined many possible projects for the future in the SRC. However, I couldn’t shake the feeling that she is trying to focus too much on social events and projects, and is totally ignoring the possibility to create lasting, useful initiatives and projects that benefit students for more than one crazy night. Her speech also, in my view, seemed a little too emotionally-charged, relying more on begging the voters than convincing them.

SOCIETIES

Amanda Green
Amanda, for some strange reason, didn’t give a speech, opting to play an audio recording of her speech and then expanding on it. Though she aims to change a lot if elected, I couldn’t help but feel that her method of interaction was a little ineffectual. Her speech also built on the idea “what a man can do, a woman can do better”, which is highly sexist (reverse sexism is okay, it would seem). Had a male candidate stood there and said “what a woman can do, a man can do twice as well”, how would the audience have reacted? Having a person in leadership who cannot see these nuances would be risky, to say the least, even if her promises to overhaul the societies’ funding appear credible.

Mufundo Makana
Calm and level-headed, Makana showed his ability to deal with criticism. Many of the questions directed at him drew on his apparent failures in office this year (it is set to be his second year in this Portfolio, if elected), and he handled them with grace. However, the question still hangs in the air: do we want someone in office for a second term who has, in effect, not succeeding in fulfilling his previous promises and who allowed the huge problem of societies’ late funding to go unchecked for such a long time?

INTERNATIONAL

Ndana Tedayi
Speaking confidently, Tendayi gave a lot of good points on what she would do if elected to ensure that International Students are helped. She responded well to questions (one directed at the “unfair” extra fees that International Students have to pay) but failed to address mine own, almost fobbing me off with a “Purple Thursday”. Though she approached me afterwards to clarify further, I felt that she should have instead answered my question publically and usefully, not privately and inconsequently.

ENVIRONMENT

Luke Cadden
Another promising candidate, Luke’s presentation was simple, effective and convincing. When I posed a question about wasted food, he answered in a way that was informative and showed that he had a clear direction in his head. He addressed several issues, including paper wastage and adding that Rhodes lacks separate, easy recycling measures. With a campaign that doesn’t build at all on personality (his poster – the few that he has, citing them to be “incredibly wasteful” – doesn’t have his face on it) and not perceivable downsides in his Grazzle presentation, Luke promises to be a good candidate for office.

OPPIDAN

Sixolile Timothy
Sixolile means well. She has a lot of ideas as to how to improve Oppidan relations and to ameliorate the dire security problems faced by students in digs, but some of these seemed, at times, a bit unrealistic. She aims to improve communication between the police and the university, but was unable to respond properly to a student’s claim that she had personally been robbed, and had had almost no police support whatsoever.

RESIDENCE

Khanyisile Phiri
Khanyisile built on the ideas of improving residence hygiene, nutrition, safety and security, and accessibility. However, personally, I found her attitude to be a bit presumptive: she singled out my residence (of which I’ve been a member for three years now) and said that it was dirty and unhygienic – a fact that could not be further from the truth. Our main cleaner (affectionately known as “Pinkie”) has done a fantastic job over the past three years, though I suppose I cannot speak for other residences. Otherwise, Khanyisile had some good ideas for nutrition and safety (always two big problems in res, though I’ve never personally had an issue with either).

Tendai Mapuranga
Tendai’s manner of speech-giving is all fire and brimstone. Speaking out strongly against “rules made in hell”, Tendai seeks to establish standard rules across the board (making both female and male residences stick to the same rules). I personally feel, however, that the rules don’t matter, but rather the enforcement: if one residence operated on a laissez-faire style of management, and another on a strict, tyrannical iron fist, no amount of official standpoint can change that.
Tendai (responding to a question about the university packing up all the rooms every holiday and renting them out) also seeks to “favour Rhodes students over businesses”, failing to take into account the way in which this Rhodes ‘Hotel’ system helps to keep fees much lower than they would otherwise be.

**** That’s all, folks! Happy voting!****

Rhodes University posters cinch award for terrible design

The International Association for Worst Design Ever has this morning awarded Rhodes University a completely uncontested award for the worst poster design... ever. In a statement released this morning, the IAWDE said that, in light of the sheer volume of entries and the calibre thereof, the posters and campaigns at RU are, in general, far, far worse than even the lowest comparable standards, such as those set by the fantastic Olympic logo.

One you've seen it, you can't unsee it. Source: Celebitchy.com

The logo in a nutshell. Source: Celebitchy.com

"We first started considering the University for this award after seeing a few of their HIV-awareness campaign pictures being put online. These tactful, tasteful, subtle and informative adverts were not at all creepy in any way and succeeded in raising awareness for HIV and safe-sex practices," said the IAWDE spokesperson Ohgohd Mai-Eyes. "We don't consider the blind or insane for these awards, but once we learnt that the brilliant minds behind these posters were sane and possessed great visual acuity, we immediately jumped to the screening selection," he said.

One of the first posters to receive a nomination.

This is actually not a satirical, bullshit thing. Seriously. WTF.

The campaigns have been met by huge praise by many Rhodes students.
"When I saw those adverts, I felt relieved," said one female student. "At first I thought that my boyfriend's professions that he wanted to be close to me were just a way to get into my pants, but now I know, thanks to Ryan and Rhodes, that he cares. Now I knew that Rhodes men know to buy the hugest, massivest box of condoms out there to show a girl true, deep love. You know, the kind that has no boundaries," she said.

However, according to Mai-Eyes, at this point of the process there were still some other candidates in the field who were neck-in-neck with Rhodes for that winning spot, including the Ryugyong building in Pyongyang, North Korea:

Voted by Esquire Magazine as "the worst building ever"

and the guy who drew this tattoo:

The resemblence is uncanny.

However, Rhodes University's contestation for the award took on new, unforeseen levels of intensity after the SRC elections started. The real problems for the selection committee started here, after they saw the new and sheer volume of posters vying for the top - or rather bottom - spot.

"After the election process started, that building started looking like the Taj Mahal, and I honestly mistook that tattoo for the Mona Lisa," said Mai-Eyes, shaking his head in wonder.
"We realised that this new level of bad was so utterly and atrociously horrible that not even MTV would fill its screens with that kind of face-palmingly horrendous, "WTF is wrong with the world" general eye-hurting visual material. When we saw that there were posters out there that made Jersey Shore look more classy and dignified than a Toastmasters Society meeting, we knew we had a tough decision on our hands."

This sudden development was spurred on even further by a failure for the election process to reach quorum.
"Before, some of the campaign posters weren't actually that bad, and at least some of the students would pretend that they gave a shit about office by randomly throwing words like 'accountability', 'transparency', 'responsibility' and 'transformation' into their posters. However, new evidence shows that less than 10% of the new posters on display have even one of those Key Words in view, and that candidates now give as much as 84% less of a shit", said IADWE research assistant Ian Notpaidenuf, whose job it was to study each and every poster in-depth for the final appraisal.

He went on to show us some of the nominated posters. "One reads like the most obscure personal advertisement ever, showing nothing but the candidate in the usual  vote-winning, voter-reassuring combination of tie-suit-jacket and a bunch of twitter and  facebook links. And one of those BBM barcode thingies. You can't forget that."

Vote for me: I can does interwebz

"Some," he said, gesturing at the pile on his desk, "just show their dedication  to winning this award in their utter disregard for any coherent structure, design flow, grammar or punctuation, whilst others just leave you completely agog," he said, before taking out a gun and blowing his brains out.

The content in competition, as you can see, has been jaw-dropping.

This, apparently, is NOT a joke.

Eventually, Mai-Eyes said, they decided not to hand out an award to one defining poster, but to just generally class them all as the overall winner.
"They all generally inspire a feeling of desolation and emptiness when you look at them, and so we decided we can't single just one out," he said. "I mean, here, we have a guy running for SRC Academic Counciller and he misspelt the office for which he was running. Another one claimed that the candidate was 'APPAOCHABLE' - in capital letters too, just in case you didn't quite understand how approachable she was."

He should run for SRC Irony Counciler (sic).
Positive attributes: advanced flame-war skills

APPRAOCHABLE! YOU HEAR ME? APPRAOCABLE!
At least she spelt "councillor" corre...
Oh wait. She didn't.

The President of the IAWDE, Verra Bleind has added her voice to the proceeding, saying that these have been the most remarkable examples of bad campaign advertising since Mike Gravel's genius video in his 2008 campaign for the 2008 American Presidency. "Seriously," she said. "Not even the part where he throws that rock could compete with these posters. I mean, these posters really do go out of their way to show you as little as possible about who the candidates really are deep inside, and why it wouldn't be a mistake to vote for them."

Some candidates didn't even change their pictures.
"They were obviously perfect the first time," said Bleine, "and these perfect originals played an integral part in getting students to vote. We figured that there must be some other, unknowable reason that people didn't vote."

Meanwhile, the Secretary-General of the United Nations, Dontkare Bout-Lomnin, has promised to ship in several hundred teams of highly-trained mental trauma psychologists and counselors to deal with the devastating leaflets.
"As soon as I saw that one with Ryan Gosling, I knew we had to react quickly. We immediately removed all our specialists from Bosnia, Iraq, Syria, Burma, Saudi Arabia and North Korea to deal with this new, iniquitous South African threat," he said.



*- what follows are a collection of other campaign posters. Browse at your peril.

Cudos on the voter Key Words and the Highlander reference.

Because fashion.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that translate to "I don't want to win"?

Because, as with many other candidates, reasons are irrelevant.

Because Suits. THAT'S WHY.

Because verbs are irrelevant.

SRC election campaign season kicks into high gear

Student Representative Council election fever has hit Rhodes University campus this morning, with many candidates beginning their long and hard campaigns of attrition awareness to try and win over the student body's precious votes.

It's a cutthroat race, with over a dozen candidates jostling to pull in the most ballots. When asked what his campaign team's tactic for winning votes this year, 3rd-year BA student Dema Gogy smiled. "I'm sticking with the usual promises that happen every year," he said. "I'm promising to do away with the DP Requirement system, to get another three buses up and down the hill, and to improve the quality of res meals," said Gogy, who is running for SRC President. When asked how he could possibly deliver these unrealistic promises, he gave a strange look.
"Are figures in power actually supposed to help the people who voted them in and do what they said they would? Sheesh. Really? I thought this was going to be like a normal South African Presidential election."

Other campaigners have been hot on their heels. "Our campaign is going full steam ahead," 2nd-year Economics student Voatfour Mea. "Today we added a thousand students to a Facebook group without their consent or desire, and then just in case they didn't get the fourteen statuses and posts we sent them, we mass-emailed the entire university three times," he said. "So in comparison to previous years' campaigns, we're being quite unintrusive."

However, even with these measures, he is still uncertain that people will be exposed to their campaign. "Just to be safe, we're putting hundreds of posters up on every wall, floor, window, tree and other conceivable poster-able surface," said Mea, who is running for the position of Environmental Rep. Mea believes that his chances of winning the position are almost as good as guaranteed. "I'm pretty popular, and I have unlimited printing credit: two key factors in this election season," he said.

According to Mea's lead campaign manager, these posters have been thought  up by think-tank teams of master design students.
"We brainstorm for hours and use our skills to come up with brilliant vote-winning tactics, such as cheesey catchphrases, terrible puns,and cliche pictures of the candidates dressed up in suits and dresses," said Isla Hertyaeyes, who, surprisingly, isn't blind or mentally handicapped.
"Then, for final good measure, we throw in some words like 'transparency', 'accountability', 'continuity' and 'communication' because it's just de riguer, who even cares what it means?"

Just one of the many jaw-droppingly brilliant campaign posters on display.

Other candidates have opted for a more realistically-focused tact to win the students' hearts.
"If you vote me in as President, I promise that we will reach quorum and we won't have to go through this twice," said 4th-year Financial Management student John Murume, not missing a chance for shameless self-promotion. "Also, I totes pinky-promise not to just, like, drop out of the SRC for no reason next year, thus making this all for nothing."

Some candidates have even gone so far as to delve into other technological formats, such as video, to bolster their chances of scoring a sport on the SRC panel. "Sure, it's nothing as creepy unsettling weird awe-inspiring as Forsythe's 2011 campaign video, but we think that it'll do the job," said Benly Bradsa, another candidate.

She's APPRAOCHABLE, a master at Photoshop, and wants to be your COUNCELOR!
(dictionary sold separately)

However, some candidates are opting for a more discreet approach than others.
"It's all about the election picture," said Mpho Togenic, another candidate running for office.
"People don't much care for the campaigns, ignore the posters, delete the Facebook messages and don't read manifestos, so I'm gonna put the most sexy, trustworthy, un-pushy photo of myself on the voting page." Her possible photos have been submitted to a stringent vetting process in various focus groups. "We've turned down some that look too serious, like we might be able to do the job, and we're in the process of deciding between a fun photo showing my university mare spirit, and a cleavage shot," she said.

Student response to the sudden spree of campaigning has been huge.
"Only 2387 students blocked us on Facebook or unsubscribed from the groups, which is a monumental success for us," said Tom Hughs, one party's Media Officer.
Even the SRC Grazzle, at which candidates outline their manifestos and visions for office, saw record numbers of attendance, with almost 38 people coming to the event. "We almost filled the first three rows in the lecture venue. We're excited that Rhodents are becoming more and more interested in student affairs outside of Friar Tucks," said Hughs.
Students themselves have come forward to praise the start of elections.
Jessica Campagnes, a Fine Arts student, could barely contain her excitement.
"I just love the way my Blackberry pings every ten seconds reminding me why I should vote for someone who I didn't even know existed until today."

Mars probe inspires ANC

Following the successful NASA Curiosity rover mission to Mars, The African National Congress Aeronautical Space Association has this morning announced their latest plans: to send textbooks to Limpopo schools.

"We know it's a massive undertaking, but we're confident that it is at least possible," says Organisation CEO Sir Vis Deliverie. "I mean, they sent a vehicle to a dusty, abandoned area that is untouched and not cared about by demagogical hot-air-blowing politicians, so it's basically the same thing."

Deliverie has been hard at work. "Ever since my brother-in-law's cousin got me this job, I've been working hard to get it on track. Surely we can do better than those bloody agent Imperialists with their successful tendencies?" he said.

The ANCASA has, however, criticised the recent NASA mission as "simplistic and overblown", stating that it faced barely any problems from its inception.
"They only had some little duststorm to deal with: try getting your NASA probe to get past Angie Motshekga and Blade Nzimande to land in a Limpopo school with textbooks. Besides, there are no potholes or rivers in space,"said Deliverie.

The project is already steadily underway, and has received its intially primary pre-adjustment budget. "We've recieved that first pre-funding-cut lump sum, and have yet to receive the funding adjustment before the Department of Kick-backs demands its obligatory 20% cut. We also saved quite a bit of money by avoiding the tender process and getting a super-cheap supplier," said Head of Tender Allocations, Givemore Kickbacks.

The NASA rover touched down precisely in place last night and immediately transmitted photos from the Gale Crater. The project cost roughly $2.5 billion, covering the 345-million-mile voyage from earth in just 254 days. These facts bode well for the ANCASA project, says Deliverie.
"Given that the distance between the bookstore and the school is about 10 miles, roughly 0.000000005797% of the distance, our proposed mission has at least a 20% chance of success.
Which is about 25% more than previous attempts," he said.

The NASA Curiosty probe is also armed with a myriad sensors to determine whether or not there is any life or activity on the red planet's surface, a fact that has excited the ANCASA.
"It has given us the idea to make a much smaller probe and send it into politicians' brains. That way, we could find out if there is anything going on in there."

However, the agency knows the difficulty of the task at hand.
"We already know the possible fallout if this project were to fail," said the Association's Head of Passing the Buck, Blama Notherguy. "As such, we have even prepared our defence in the probable unlikely event that we fail. Possible people to blame will be other politicians, the rocket's contractors, and Hendrik Verwoede."

Top-secret Olympic success plan revealed by ANC

The ANC's long-awaited plan is finally in the limelight.

Following the addition of 3 Gold medals to South Africa's Olympic record, the ANC has this morning revealed its 4-year Super Top Secret Olympics 2012 Plan to the public.

"We are riding on the wave of success that started growing when Zuma first came into power," said John Mlonxo, spokesperson for the South African government's Department of Covert Sports Improvement.

"The astounding brilliance we are seeing now is the result of four years of dedication and commitment by our government officials and offices," he said.

President Jacob Zuma has since confirmed these reports, saying that after he came into power in 2008, something needed to be done.

"Eish, but it was bad. We were one Khotso Mokoena away from another 1994," he said.

Statistically, the 1994 Winter Olympics was South Africa's worst-ever performance, with no medalists bringing back gold, silver or even bronze.

"Back then, Mandela saw that we kinda sucked ass at this Olympics thing, but he was too busy rebuilding a nation divided and concentrating on rugby to make time for other sporting codes. Now that our rugby team is one of the world's finest, we decided to do the same for our Olympic side," Zuma said in a radio interview in which he shockingly did NOT make an utter incompetent and clueless buffoon of himself.

After Zuma's rise to power, and with the 2008 team ranked at an abysmal 70th in the quadrennial games, the ANC began a complex plan to instigate a turnaround.

"First of all, we needed an underdog image in order to lull the rest of the world into a false sense of confidence. Mandela did a lot to damage our potential wow-factor in the games by making the world believe South Africa was a place of equality, reconciliation, and a sporting prowess to be feared," he said.

In a detailed report, Mlonxo showed how the government cut funding and public spending to many public sectors, including Health and Education.

"We even cut funding to our Sports and Recreation department to deepen the illusion. Nothing could be left to chance."

New leaked documents have shown that numerous government ministers were a part of this plan too.

"It's no coincidence that the Olympics coincide with the ANC's centenary celebration. 100 years of selfless struggle, and it hasn't ended yet," said deep-cover operative Theis Pien, who went undercover as the notorious political figure we know as Julius "Juju" Malema.

"We selflessly dragged our own names through the dirt and suffered the injustices and cruelties of Johnny Walker, kick-backs and luxury Ministerial vehicles all for the greater good," said Pien, who played a crucial role in the Political No-confidence Strategic Committee, which worked closely with editors and journalists from around the country. "Our efforts have been more successful than we ever could have dreamed," he said.

Zuma himself has agreed. "There were times where I thought the plan was too big to pull off. 'No one will think we're being serious,' I thought. I mean, I said in public that a shower cures AIDS and I freed 34 000 convicted criminals, and everyone just bought it. We had some worrisome moments where we thought people had seen us for frauds, like with that Brett Murray guy. It's been a hard struggle, but we've definitely risen to the occasion. Hell, I even got married five bloody times for my country," he said.

The project also included the South African Olympians' training program, which has been brutal, with daily 100-kilometre toyi-toyis a secret superdiet of garlic and African beetroot, and the athletes taking daily showers to increase their strength and sexual purity.

"Our sangomas claimed using the latest cutting-edge medical analysis techniques, such as throwing the bones and consulting with the spirit world, that these methods would work, and by golly, they were right," said Head of the Secretive Training Initiative, Charl Latan.

For this ingenious training schedule, the ANC drew much inspiration from Rocky 4.

"Just look at the Russian boxer: he has all that expensive equipment and professional trainers and is surrounded by sports scientists with cutting-edge training and monitoring machines, and he lost. Rocky had just a gym and an old mzunguand he kicked that Comrade's arse. We knew that we could take no risks with modern sports advances. We had to take it back to the old school ways," he explained.

For Mlonxo, the proof is in the pudding.

"I mean, did you see how boseveryone went when we won a medal? Clearly no one thought it possible. We've done a great job."

Head of the Executive Olympic Image Committee, Peinta Goodpicture, said that even the smallest of details - such as the decision to have Caster Semenya as flag bearer - were made years in advance.

"The massive media furore over Semenya was one of our finest moments. If you look at the news reports and our politicians' coached responses, you'd actually believe they really were a bunch of incompetent ignoramuses jumping on the gravy train to further their own agenda whilst not giving a hoot about someone's right to privacy," she said.

The whole intitiative is being labelled as one of the longest and most intricate covert operations since the Arms Deal. "It makes the even our shadiest transactions look like buying a coke at the local spaza," said Mlonxo.

The government has since announced similar plans to renovate the football squad, Bafana Bafana.

"At first we thought we'd try to fix something important, like the education system, but hell, not even WE are that good," said Mlonxo.