Russian Federation President’s 2016 USA campaign promises that he’ll be “Putin you first”
American voters have been left reeling today, after the United States Republican Party accepted Russian Federation president Vladimir Putin’s nomination for President 2016.
Republican Party leaders and members celebrated the decision early this morning, praising his “natural gift of leadership” and “strong, laudable values that resonate with the Republican Party.”
”Really, when you think about his announced bombing campaigns against Muslim countries without a proper consideration of whether or not it’s an effective strategy to curtail and curb rampant extremist, fundamentalist terrorist groups instead of just a cathartic knee-jerk that will only exacerbate the problem of religious fanaticism in the region, then bringing him into the GOP just makes perfect sense,” said Republican party chief whip Francis J. Underwood. “I mean, shit, it sounds exactly like something we would do.”
And despite some public hesitation, the Republican leadership has backed their decision by citing his core right-wing values and beliefs that make him the ideal candidate.
”Let’s just review the facts,” said Senate chairman and Republican Executive member Johnathan Hold-Dwightguy. “He loves guns and hunting, hates immigrants, has several awful, retrogressive laws that make it illegal to be gay, and wants to convert an Arab country into red-hot glass one GBU-43/B MAOB superbomb at a time? Hell, why didn’t we elect him sooner?”
And despite some hesitation and skepticism from voters, the nominating committee is holding fast to its decision.
“Some people might say, ‘well, he’s not a great candidate – after all, doesn’t he hate Americans?’,” explained Nominations Board overseer Gerry Mander. “But looking at our culture of gun violence, police brutality and racial tension, I’d say his hatred of Americans is the most American thing about him.”
“Besides,” he added. “Just look at those photos of him riding bareback and catching sharks and hunting tigers and shit. Who wouldn’t vote for that total badass?”
The decision seems to be paying off, with early polls suggesting he could quickly become a favoured candidate.
“He’s an old white dude, so I guess the change wouldn’t be too shocking from what we’re used to,” said 58-year-old Michigan voter Jake Hendersen. “I’m definitely gonna vote for him. I know lots of people say ‘he’s our historical enemy’ this, and ‘he would enact dangerous, restrictive laws against our people and destroy our economy’ that, but seriously, could anything be worse than Donald Trump?”
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