Jac labs user crashes the internet

A Rhodes University student working late at night in the Jacaranda labs has crashed the entire internet, says Head of the Information Technology Department John Buffer.

According to Buffer, the internet was already under immense strain even before first-year Bachelor of Commerce student Iva Lottatime logged on to the system in the greasy, hot, disgusting, overcrowded labs yesterday evening.

"Considering how the vast loads of academic work that students do in these labs requires them to check crucial posts on facebook, twitter and 9gag every four seconds, as well as scour the net for videos of their favourite pop star, - for referencing and research purposes, of course -, the internet was already huffing and puffing even before her g131234 username was logged," said Buffer.

Those logging on to Facebook were greeted by a blue and white of a different kind.

After opening a Microsoft Word document and pasting in some bullshit quotes so that she could tell people who need the computer for real work that she was actually working, she proceeded to open Internet Explorer 6.

Artist's depiction of Internet Explorer 6.

"This was when things started going uphill," said data analyst and computer systems expert Noah Kluatall, who works in the IT department. "Internet Explorer is like the bastard child of a wet paper bag and a whale's heartbeat: really slow, and really unreliable. By clicking the blue 'e', she doomed the net."

According to a user history of the session, she opened 67 tabs - a crime that was aggravated by the "environmentally friendly" recycled-paper printer.

"That printer never works, but she kept saying 'print document'. Before the 'net went down, there were 84 copies of her mostly plagiarised politics assignment queued up to print," said Kluatall.

"Eventually," Kluatall said, "the combination of Black Eyed peas songs, Nicki Minaj videos, cat pictures and 2371 photos uploading of herself pretending that she wasn't taking a picture of herself was too much to take. The internet shut down completely."

The effects have been widespread and horrific, say experts.

"Since the outage, many students haven't been able to use this single largest compendium of human knowledge, history and experience and its accompanying terabytes upon terabytes of mind-blowing philosophy, art and learning potential to update their statuses and get into flame and comment wars on Youtube," said internet expert Mauz Kilka.

Since the 'net fell, students have been reporting that they've had to talk to real people, and learn the name of the guy who lives three doors down from their res room. Also, since Google Books is no longer available to pull assignment-relevant quotes from, they've had to walk to to the library and read books.

Books were first invented in 1934 by Sir John James Edwards Bookington the 5th. They were quickly phased out when Al Gore invented the Internet in 1991.

"It's crazy," said one geography student. "My pen doesn't even have a copy-paste function. How the hell am I supposed to write essays now?"

However, it's not just work that has been affected. Since the major source of tiny fluffy animals with big eyes and cute bibs has disappeared, tensions are at an all time high.

"Someone pushed in the Dining Hall line on Cheesecake Wednesday, and there was almost a full-blown fight. It was like being in a Joburg club, just without the shit, greasy haircuts, too-tight collared shirts, skin-tight ball-oxygen depriving jeans, and too-expensive drinks," said Nelson Mandela Hall student Jean-Eric Naym.

The SRC is working closely with the SPCA to ensure that students don't explode.

"We're handing out small kittens and puppies in cute woolen boots to diffuse the obvious tensions on campus," said SRC Cute Animals Contingencies Councillor Quewt Niss. The SRC also has contingencies in place to help students with their social media fixes. Whether or not they're going to hand out fap packages to male reses has yet to be confirmed.

"We're handing out small kittens and puppies in cute woolen boots to diffuse the obvious tensions on campus," said SRC Cute Animals Contingencies Councillor Quewt Niss.

Images like this, which originates from the Cold War era, are said to be the only thing standing between us and full-blown nuclear winter.

It's a dire situation, and one that is not set to be rectified any time soon. Internet specialists have been at their wits end with getting the internet back online.

"We had a full working backup for the internet, but we saved it online," said Kluatall. "We had it on a harddrive, but someone's need for Community season 3 and the new Game of Thrones was obviously too much to handle."

Magistrates go on strike; police to pick up slack

Magistrates across the country went on strike today, in a class-wide move aimed at increasing their pay, says head of the Union of Magistrates Earnest Rike.

"We've started our Go-Slow this morning," said Rike. "I mean, it's not like we're a public sector or anything and can't go on strike."

However, some judiciary officials that don't exist but we'll just say "judiciary officials" 'cos you'll believe this lovely weasel wording say that the Go-Slow might actually speed up the justice system.

"By actively focusing on going slowly all day, they might accidentally go faster than their usual absent-minded, subconscious level of sloth-in-glue tardiness," said our source.

Thanks to the striking action, the police force and members of the South African Police Service say that they had to have a more involved role in meting out daily justice.

"The government is dealing with the issue," said Police Minister Nathi Mthethwa after he had decided to give enough of a shit to come back from his honeymoon to do what the country has been paying him do since he took office. Political analysts have emphasised the difficulty in deciding exactly who (between the Minister and those he protects) got screwed over more in the two-week period.

"We're going with South Africans," said analyst Loki Natstats. "Just because they didn't get a holiday or drinks before getting properly rogered."

Chief of Police Beetus Ivilian has also weighed in on the strike announcement, saying that the strike coincides with a three-year plan of action in the police ranks.

"We've been getting ready for this official strike for the better part of three years now," said Ivilian. "It's taken a lot of practice and tenacity." 

According to Ivilian, much of the policy documentation was perfected and finalised with no small amount of civilian interaction and involvement - a process that some administrative officials in the police department say was at least on one occasion, "a drag".

"It's only through the efforts of locals and internationals in South Africa, like Emidio Macia and Andries Tatane, that we've gotten to where we are. We've definitely been getting a more hands-on approach to justice and dealing with insidious innocent people, maths teachers, criminals," he said.

SAPS servicemen and women say that they are all-guns for the new policy. 

Criminals have also protested at the decision, stressing their anger at having to spend more time in jail.

"They're telling me that I might have to spend as much as three extra days in prison!" said eight-time-convicted burglar and gang-rape-accused John Member. "Now i'll have to wait until the weekend is over to get back to work."

However, Ministry officials were quick to assure the public that the system will be back up and running in not time. 

"Well be back to our old ways within the week," read the Ministry's statement. "
Before you know it, criminals accused of murder or gang rape will be out on R500 bail."

"Education a terrible idea" - Department of Education

Education is a plague that needs to be quickly stomped out, said head officials from the Department of Education this morning.

According to a press release that draws on a study conducted in 1994, education has been at the heart of all social issues since the first democratic ballot was cast.

"Let us just look at the facts," explained head researcher Xthra Polation. "What has education given us after all these years? Strikes, unhappiness, failure, and Matric students filling Friars once a year. Eugh! And that's just the beginning."

Since early 2000, the number of strikes at schools have skyrocketed.

"They shout and protest and make really loud noise in the streets," said Manginga Xolwethlala, a local guy whose name we probably misspelled, but hey, that's what the 'corrections and retractions' section is for. "Education has made them into street-soiling vigilantes."

The Department has also stressed concerns that schools themselves are more like torture camps than places of so-called learning. 

"Some kids in these school have no books, toilets, food, or even roofs or buildings to shelter then from the burning sun and sudden rainstorms. We can't let them live like that. We won't rest until every torture academy is shut once and for all," said head of the Department, Jake Fetchem.
 
The study also points out that many criminals started their insidious careers after just a tiny amount of schooling. According to statistics we just made up right now to sound convincing, half of the criminals caught by the South African Police Service reported having been in school for less than a year before starting their crime streaks.

The department has also stressed health concerns for the youth of South Africa, stating that the study found that almost 95% of teachers in schools have, and regularly use, Visual Aids or Teaching Aids. 

"Our children in these Guantanamo-esque places of so-called 'learning' are subjected to one of these forms of Aids on a daily basis," said Fetchem. The Department reported today that very little is known about these forms of aids by staff and administrators working in its offices. 

The department has since issued a statement advising all learners of the dangers of schooling, saying that there is a wealth of career opportunities on offer for those who escape the evils education, with prestigious titles like "Member of Parliament", "Fry Station Manager" or "Waiter On Minimum Wage Working Two Jobs To Make Ends Meet".

Ex-learners even have exciting opportunities in tenderpreneurship, such as winning R100 million tenders for website design.

You can do this, and get paid R140 million! Hell, I can't make this stuff up.

Government jobs and tenderpreneurship opportunities are just one of the many perks of not being educated.

"Besides, look at the most successful people in our generation," said Fetchem. "Sir Richard Branson dropped out of school, and Einstein failed maths. Even Julius Malema got a GG symbol for woodwork, which, let's just be brutally honest, is embarrassing as all hell. And look at him now!"

According to the DOE, this study was conducted many years ago, but for political reasons has only been published now.

"When we first saw this all those years ago, we knew we had a ticking time-bomb," said Minister of Destroying Education, Mangie Otshekga. Since 1994, the government has been working tirelessly to eradicate the plague of education. "We've done everything we can to beat back this ugly scourge, from making the national pass rate 30%, to creating Life Orientation as a compulsory subject, lol," she said.

However, with academics calling for change and increased spending on Education, the Department has its work cut out for them.

"We're confident that, if current trends continue, by early 2015 people won't even know what 'Bachelor's Pass' means."

SRC brings dishonour to its clan

The Shadow Rouge Council has shamed both its ancestors and its ninja sensei, says 8th-Dan ninjutsu master and 46-year ninja Takaeda Moshimori.

According to a press release that just appeared on our desk, seriously, we didn't even see anyone come into the office, it was just poof, bam, there it was, the SRC has broken the age-old sacred ninja brotherhood's vow of invisibility and stealth.

"It is unacceptable, and a grave dishonour to the Taishionin Ninja Brotherhood. We've been going almost 3000 years without being seen until now," said Moshimori in the release, which burst into flames after we had read it once.

One of the earliest sightings of the Shadow Rouge Council

According to the press release, the Media Councillor was the first to break the eons-old pact of silence.

The SRC has been spotted at over five public events since the beginning of the year, with regular communications with concerned students and even posts on the SRC facebook page, which has in the past been described as "an SRC ninja's paradise of shadows".

"They've had a Grazzle, two student forums, and have been visible both during the day and the night. This is unacceptable!" said Moshimori.

The SRC first joined the ranks of the ninja brotherhood in early 1925, when they learned the dark arts of never being seen until the last minute.

"Back then the Brotherhood first taught us the art of doing everything for students - hundreds of meetings every term, organising innumerable events, reducing res costs for students, saving students from DP loss and academic exclusion - all without ever being seen or acknowledged," said SRC President and 8th-Dan shadowwarrior Yokonawa Sakebade. "But we're tired of being invisible warriors. It's time that we made ourselves known."

The council has since changed its clan name to the current "Student Representative Council" to avoid further association with the brotherhood.

"We don't want to live in the shadows any more," sais Sakebade.

It's a move that students are still getting used to.

"It's very uncomfortable," said first-year Hiyam Byinbhooks. "Whenever I want to buy a something on the 'Stuff - Really Cheap!' (SRC) facebook page, I see these guys telling us about student meetings and stuff. I don't think they should be allowed to bring down the sanctity of the adverts for cheap books, digs, lifts and pancakes."

And while some students have embraced the move, many more are up in arms.

"Student res fees, parties, admin, events, societies - these are all things that happen by themselves," said third-year student Jai N. Tarsole. "We don't need some guys pretending that it's been them all along."