Rhodes University posters cinch award for terrible design

The International Association for Worst Design Ever has this morning awarded Rhodes University a completely uncontested award for the worst poster design... ever. In a statement released this morning, the IAWDE said that, in light of the sheer volume of entries and the calibre thereof, the posters and campaigns at RU are, in general, far, far worse than even the lowest comparable standards, such as those set by the fantastic Olympic logo.

One you've seen it, you can't unsee it. Source: Celebitchy.com

The logo in a nutshell. Source: Celebitchy.com

"We first started considering the University for this award after seeing a few of their HIV-awareness campaign pictures being put online. These tactful, tasteful, subtle and informative adverts were not at all creepy in any way and succeeded in raising awareness for HIV and safe-sex practices," said the IAWDE spokesperson Ohgohd Mai-Eyes. "We don't consider the blind or insane for these awards, but once we learnt that the brilliant minds behind these posters were sane and possessed great visual acuity, we immediately jumped to the screening selection," he said.

One of the first posters to receive a nomination.

This is actually not a satirical, bullshit thing. Seriously. WTF.

The campaigns have been met by huge praise by many Rhodes students.
"When I saw those adverts, I felt relieved," said one female student. "At first I thought that my boyfriend's professions that he wanted to be close to me were just a way to get into my pants, but now I know, thanks to Ryan and Rhodes, that he cares. Now I knew that Rhodes men know to buy the hugest, massivest box of condoms out there to show a girl true, deep love. You know, the kind that has no boundaries," she said.

However, according to Mai-Eyes, at this point of the process there were still some other candidates in the field who were neck-in-neck with Rhodes for that winning spot, including the Ryugyong building in Pyongyang, North Korea:

Voted by Esquire Magazine as "the worst building ever"

and the guy who drew this tattoo:

The resemblence is uncanny.

However, Rhodes University's contestation for the award took on new, unforeseen levels of intensity after the SRC elections started. The real problems for the selection committee started here, after they saw the new and sheer volume of posters vying for the top - or rather bottom - spot.

"After the election process started, that building started looking like the Taj Mahal, and I honestly mistook that tattoo for the Mona Lisa," said Mai-Eyes, shaking his head in wonder.
"We realised that this new level of bad was so utterly and atrociously horrible that not even MTV would fill its screens with that kind of face-palmingly horrendous, "WTF is wrong with the world" general eye-hurting visual material. When we saw that there were posters out there that made Jersey Shore look more classy and dignified than a Toastmasters Society meeting, we knew we had a tough decision on our hands."

This sudden development was spurred on even further by a failure for the election process to reach quorum.
"Before, some of the campaign posters weren't actually that bad, and at least some of the students would pretend that they gave a shit about office by randomly throwing words like 'accountability', 'transparency', 'responsibility' and 'transformation' into their posters. However, new evidence shows that less than 10% of the new posters on display have even one of those Key Words in view, and that candidates now give as much as 84% less of a shit", said IADWE research assistant Ian Notpaidenuf, whose job it was to study each and every poster in-depth for the final appraisal.

He went on to show us some of the nominated posters. "One reads like the most obscure personal advertisement ever, showing nothing but the candidate in the usual  vote-winning, voter-reassuring combination of tie-suit-jacket and a bunch of twitter and  facebook links. And one of those BBM barcode thingies. You can't forget that."

Vote for me: I can does interwebz

"Some," he said, gesturing at the pile on his desk, "just show their dedication  to winning this award in their utter disregard for any coherent structure, design flow, grammar or punctuation, whilst others just leave you completely agog," he said, before taking out a gun and blowing his brains out.

The content in competition, as you can see, has been jaw-dropping.

This, apparently, is NOT a joke.

Eventually, Mai-Eyes said, they decided not to hand out an award to one defining poster, but to just generally class them all as the overall winner.
"They all generally inspire a feeling of desolation and emptiness when you look at them, and so we decided we can't single just one out," he said. "I mean, here, we have a guy running for SRC Academic Counciller and he misspelt the office for which he was running. Another one claimed that the candidate was 'APPAOCHABLE' - in capital letters too, just in case you didn't quite understand how approachable she was."

He should run for SRC Irony Counciler (sic).
Positive attributes: advanced flame-war skills

APPRAOCHABLE! YOU HEAR ME? APPRAOCABLE!
At least she spelt "councillor" corre...
Oh wait. She didn't.

The President of the IAWDE, Verra Bleind has added her voice to the proceeding, saying that these have been the most remarkable examples of bad campaign advertising since Mike Gravel's genius video in his 2008 campaign for the 2008 American Presidency. "Seriously," she said. "Not even the part where he throws that rock could compete with these posters. I mean, these posters really do go out of their way to show you as little as possible about who the candidates really are deep inside, and why it wouldn't be a mistake to vote for them."

Some candidates didn't even change their pictures.
"They were obviously perfect the first time," said Bleine, "and these perfect originals played an integral part in getting students to vote. We figured that there must be some other, unknowable reason that people didn't vote."

Meanwhile, the Secretary-General of the United Nations, Dontkare Bout-Lomnin, has promised to ship in several hundred teams of highly-trained mental trauma psychologists and counselors to deal with the devastating leaflets.
"As soon as I saw that one with Ryan Gosling, I knew we had to react quickly. We immediately removed all our specialists from Bosnia, Iraq, Syria, Burma, Saudi Arabia and North Korea to deal with this new, iniquitous South African threat," he said.



*- what follows are a collection of other campaign posters. Browse at your peril.

Cudos on the voter Key Words and the Highlander reference.

Because fashion.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that translate to "I don't want to win"?

Because, as with many other candidates, reasons are irrelevant.

Because Suits. THAT'S WHY.

Because verbs are irrelevant.

SRC election campaign season kicks into high gear

Student Representative Council election fever has hit Rhodes University campus this morning, with many candidates beginning their long and hard campaigns of attrition awareness to try and win over the student body's precious votes.

It's a cutthroat race, with over a dozen candidates jostling to pull in the most ballots. When asked what his campaign team's tactic for winning votes this year, 3rd-year BA student Dema Gogy smiled. "I'm sticking with the usual promises that happen every year," he said. "I'm promising to do away with the DP Requirement system, to get another three buses up and down the hill, and to improve the quality of res meals," said Gogy, who is running for SRC President. When asked how he could possibly deliver these unrealistic promises, he gave a strange look.
"Are figures in power actually supposed to help the people who voted them in and do what they said they would? Sheesh. Really? I thought this was going to be like a normal South African Presidential election."

Other campaigners have been hot on their heels. "Our campaign is going full steam ahead," 2nd-year Economics student Voatfour Mea. "Today we added a thousand students to a Facebook group without their consent or desire, and then just in case they didn't get the fourteen statuses and posts we sent them, we mass-emailed the entire university three times," he said. "So in comparison to previous years' campaigns, we're being quite unintrusive."

However, even with these measures, he is still uncertain that people will be exposed to their campaign. "Just to be safe, we're putting hundreds of posters up on every wall, floor, window, tree and other conceivable poster-able surface," said Mea, who is running for the position of Environmental Rep. Mea believes that his chances of winning the position are almost as good as guaranteed. "I'm pretty popular, and I have unlimited printing credit: two key factors in this election season," he said.

According to Mea's lead campaign manager, these posters have been thought  up by think-tank teams of master design students.
"We brainstorm for hours and use our skills to come up with brilliant vote-winning tactics, such as cheesey catchphrases, terrible puns,and cliche pictures of the candidates dressed up in suits and dresses," said Isla Hertyaeyes, who, surprisingly, isn't blind or mentally handicapped.
"Then, for final good measure, we throw in some words like 'transparency', 'accountability', 'continuity' and 'communication' because it's just de riguer, who even cares what it means?"

Just one of the many jaw-droppingly brilliant campaign posters on display.

Other candidates have opted for a more realistically-focused tact to win the students' hearts.
"If you vote me in as President, I promise that we will reach quorum and we won't have to go through this twice," said 4th-year Financial Management student John Murume, not missing a chance for shameless self-promotion. "Also, I totes pinky-promise not to just, like, drop out of the SRC for no reason next year, thus making this all for nothing."

Some candidates have even gone so far as to delve into other technological formats, such as video, to bolster their chances of scoring a sport on the SRC panel. "Sure, it's nothing as creepy unsettling weird awe-inspiring as Forsythe's 2011 campaign video, but we think that it'll do the job," said Benly Bradsa, another candidate.

She's APPRAOCHABLE, a master at Photoshop, and wants to be your COUNCELOR!
(dictionary sold separately)

However, some candidates are opting for a more discreet approach than others.
"It's all about the election picture," said Mpho Togenic, another candidate running for office.
"People don't much care for the campaigns, ignore the posters, delete the Facebook messages and don't read manifestos, so I'm gonna put the most sexy, trustworthy, un-pushy photo of myself on the voting page." Her possible photos have been submitted to a stringent vetting process in various focus groups. "We've turned down some that look too serious, like we might be able to do the job, and we're in the process of deciding between a fun photo showing my university mare spirit, and a cleavage shot," she said.

Student response to the sudden spree of campaigning has been huge.
"Only 2387 students blocked us on Facebook or unsubscribed from the groups, which is a monumental success for us," said Tom Hughs, one party's Media Officer.
Even the SRC Grazzle, at which candidates outline their manifestos and visions for office, saw record numbers of attendance, with almost 38 people coming to the event. "We almost filled the first three rows in the lecture venue. We're excited that Rhodents are becoming more and more interested in student affairs outside of Friar Tucks," said Hughs.
Students themselves have come forward to praise the start of elections.
Jessica Campagnes, a Fine Arts student, could barely contain her excitement.
"I just love the way my Blackberry pings every ten seconds reminding me why I should vote for someone who I didn't even know existed until today."

Mars probe inspires ANC

Following the successful NASA Curiosity rover mission to Mars, The African National Congress Aeronautical Space Association has this morning announced their latest plans: to send textbooks to Limpopo schools.

"We know it's a massive undertaking, but we're confident that it is at least possible," says Organisation CEO Sir Vis Deliverie. "I mean, they sent a vehicle to a dusty, abandoned area that is untouched and not cared about by demagogical hot-air-blowing politicians, so it's basically the same thing."

Deliverie has been hard at work. "Ever since my brother-in-law's cousin got me this job, I've been working hard to get it on track. Surely we can do better than those bloody agent Imperialists with their successful tendencies?" he said.

The ANCASA has, however, criticised the recent NASA mission as "simplistic and overblown", stating that it faced barely any problems from its inception.
"They only had some little duststorm to deal with: try getting your NASA probe to get past Angie Motshekga and Blade Nzimande to land in a Limpopo school with textbooks. Besides, there are no potholes or rivers in space,"said Deliverie.

The project is already steadily underway, and has received its intially primary pre-adjustment budget. "We've recieved that first pre-funding-cut lump sum, and have yet to receive the funding adjustment before the Department of Kick-backs demands its obligatory 20% cut. We also saved quite a bit of money by avoiding the tender process and getting a super-cheap supplier," said Head of Tender Allocations, Givemore Kickbacks.

The NASA rover touched down precisely in place last night and immediately transmitted photos from the Gale Crater. The project cost roughly $2.5 billion, covering the 345-million-mile voyage from earth in just 254 days. These facts bode well for the ANCASA project, says Deliverie.
"Given that the distance between the bookstore and the school is about 10 miles, roughly 0.000000005797% of the distance, our proposed mission has at least a 20% chance of success.
Which is about 25% more than previous attempts," he said.

The NASA Curiosty probe is also armed with a myriad sensors to determine whether or not there is any life or activity on the red planet's surface, a fact that has excited the ANCASA.
"It has given us the idea to make a much smaller probe and send it into politicians' brains. That way, we could find out if there is anything going on in there."

However, the agency knows the difficulty of the task at hand.
"We already know the possible fallout if this project were to fail," said the Association's Head of Passing the Buck, Blama Notherguy. "As such, we have even prepared our defence in the probable unlikely event that we fail. Possible people to blame will be other politicians, the rocket's contractors, and Hendrik Verwoede."

Top-secret Olympic success plan revealed by ANC

The ANC's long-awaited plan is finally in the limelight.

Following the addition of 3 Gold medals to South Africa's Olympic record, the ANC has this morning revealed its 4-year Super Top Secret Olympics 2012 Plan to the public.

"We are riding on the wave of success that started growing when Zuma first came into power," said John Mlonxo, spokesperson for the South African government's Department of Covert Sports Improvement.

"The astounding brilliance we are seeing now is the result of four years of dedication and commitment by our government officials and offices," he said.

President Jacob Zuma has since confirmed these reports, saying that after he came into power in 2008, something needed to be done.

"Eish, but it was bad. We were one Khotso Mokoena away from another 1994," he said.

Statistically, the 1994 Winter Olympics was South Africa's worst-ever performance, with no medalists bringing back gold, silver or even bronze.

"Back then, Mandela saw that we kinda sucked ass at this Olympics thing, but he was too busy rebuilding a nation divided and concentrating on rugby to make time for other sporting codes. Now that our rugby team is one of the world's finest, we decided to do the same for our Olympic side," Zuma said in a radio interview in which he shockingly did NOT make an utter incompetent and clueless buffoon of himself.

After Zuma's rise to power, and with the 2008 team ranked at an abysmal 70th in the quadrennial games, the ANC began a complex plan to instigate a turnaround.

"First of all, we needed an underdog image in order to lull the rest of the world into a false sense of confidence. Mandela did a lot to damage our potential wow-factor in the games by making the world believe South Africa was a place of equality, reconciliation, and a sporting prowess to be feared," he said.

In a detailed report, Mlonxo showed how the government cut funding and public spending to many public sectors, including Health and Education.

"We even cut funding to our Sports and Recreation department to deepen the illusion. Nothing could be left to chance."

New leaked documents have shown that numerous government ministers were a part of this plan too.

"It's no coincidence that the Olympics coincide with the ANC's centenary celebration. 100 years of selfless struggle, and it hasn't ended yet," said deep-cover operative Theis Pien, who went undercover as the notorious political figure we know as Julius "Juju" Malema.

"We selflessly dragged our own names through the dirt and suffered the injustices and cruelties of Johnny Walker, kick-backs and luxury Ministerial vehicles all for the greater good," said Pien, who played a crucial role in the Political No-confidence Strategic Committee, which worked closely with editors and journalists from around the country. "Our efforts have been more successful than we ever could have dreamed," he said.

Zuma himself has agreed. "There were times where I thought the plan was too big to pull off. 'No one will think we're being serious,' I thought. I mean, I said in public that a shower cures AIDS and I freed 34 000 convicted criminals, and everyone just bought it. We had some worrisome moments where we thought people had seen us for frauds, like with that Brett Murray guy. It's been a hard struggle, but we've definitely risen to the occasion. Hell, I even got married five bloody times for my country," he said.

The project also included the South African Olympians' training program, which has been brutal, with daily 100-kilometre toyi-toyis a secret superdiet of garlic and African beetroot, and the athletes taking daily showers to increase their strength and sexual purity.

"Our sangomas claimed using the latest cutting-edge medical analysis techniques, such as throwing the bones and consulting with the spirit world, that these methods would work, and by golly, they were right," said Head of the Secretive Training Initiative, Charl Latan.

For this ingenious training schedule, the ANC drew much inspiration from Rocky 4.

"Just look at the Russian boxer: he has all that expensive equipment and professional trainers and is surrounded by sports scientists with cutting-edge training and monitoring machines, and he lost. Rocky had just a gym and an old mzunguand he kicked that Comrade's arse. We knew that we could take no risks with modern sports advances. We had to take it back to the old school ways," he explained.

For Mlonxo, the proof is in the pudding.

"I mean, did you see how boseveryone went when we won a medal? Clearly no one thought it possible. We've done a great job."

Head of the Executive Olympic Image Committee, Peinta Goodpicture, said that even the smallest of details - such as the decision to have Caster Semenya as flag bearer - were made years in advance.

"The massive media furore over Semenya was one of our finest moments. If you look at the news reports and our politicians' coached responses, you'd actually believe they really were a bunch of incompetent ignoramuses jumping on the gravy train to further their own agenda whilst not giving a hoot about someone's right to privacy," she said.

The whole intitiative is being labelled as one of the longest and most intricate covert operations since the Arms Deal. "It makes the even our shadiest transactions look like buying a coke at the local spaza," said Mlonxo.

The government has since announced similar plans to renovate the football squad, Bafana Bafana.

"At first we thought we'd try to fix something important, like the education system, but hell, not even WE are that good," said Mlonxo.