Scientist establish "scale of racism"

Scientists of the newly-formed Racial Affairs of South Africa: Investigatory Sciences Team have established a new scale of racism, to help guide South Africans through the difficult modern minefield that is racial affairs, says Thomas Blakanwite, head scientist for the project.

According to R.A.S:I.S.T's lead researcher, Callya Badwords, the scale operates on a 0-to-10 rating system, with South African examples alongside to give the reader some idea of how racist the action or person is. The scale ranges from Nelson Mandela (0), all the way to Jessica Leandra and Tshidi Thamana.
"We realise that those last two names bring a certain irony to the term 'model citizen'," said Badwords.

The ANC has reacted with mixed opinions to the findings. ANC head spokesperson, John Shimano, says that the report will be of great use. "It allows us to easily identify who is being a racist. You, for example, are a journalist. For us, that puts you at an automatic 8, unless you work for The New Age."

Another spokesperson, Igo Tistik, Chairman of the Chivas and Kick-backs Appropriations Committee, said that the findings were "an affront to the dignity of the South African people" and (by the usual arbitrary and strange reasoning) "an affront to the ANC." "We would take these so-called 'scientists' to Court, but we're just worried that, what with those other racists Brett Murray and Zapiro taking up our time, we'll forget which court case we are currently throwing taxpayers' hard-earned Rands at," he said.

When asked whether or not the new scaling system would work, ANCYL president Newlius Matema said, "Woodwork? Ha, don't ask me about woodwork, you racist!"

The decision, however, has been embraced by others.
"I think the list is great, because before it was published anything could have made me a racist. Now, I have an empirical way of telling people that they're wrong," said Tendai Sizwe.
"I think it's good," said suburb dweller Paran Noid, "because, although I did lock my doors when a beggar came to my window, I'm still a whole four points from hypothetically having my sponsors pull their funding for my modelling career."

Meanwhile, the Department of Education has reacted to the published findings with concern.
"With many of our politicians having been through the Matric system, we are worried that many will not be able to understand the greater implications of the scale, as it goes all the way up to the number 10," said Professor James Utitshala.

Rhodes food findings cause controversy

An uproar exploded across campus this week after a panel of leading scientists discovered trace elements of nutrients in Residence Food. Using advanced subatomic spectroscopy, extensive quantitative analysis and molecular electron microscopy, scientists have confirmed myths that Residence Food actually contains elements that are good for you.

"The findings have been incredible. We have found out that at least 1% of the Wednesday night porkchops contain real meat, and that the Friday grilled brisket is not, contrary to popular belief, dog meat," said lead scientist Ian Quisitive, of the Gearman Research Of Subatomic Spectroscopy.

Above: the research findings for eggs and meat.
The findings have been the subject of much criticism and attention.

"The process was quite intensive," said G.R.O.S.S. Research Assistant Petra Kews, "but definitely worthwhile. Many students had written to us with fears that the vegetables were bad for them, but we can now assuage their fears with empirical evidence showing that at least 43% of the vegetables are actually made from vegetables."

The report was originally called in after a student blew the whistle on seemingly poor standards of Health and Safety in the Hall Kitchens. "I was working in the kitchens after my subwarden gave me community service hours for downing a bottle of vodka, throwing up in the common-room and running around screaming "TO THE RAT" making noise in Residence, and after working hungover in the kitchen for three hours and thinking of a way to get revenge seeing the stuff they put in our food, I just knew that something had to be done," said 3rd-year BSA student Thomas Chundler, who asked to remain anonymous. After his story appeared in the local student newspaper, Cracked-of-late, G.R.O.S.S took Chundler's claims to the laboratory.

The findings, however, don't stop there. The panel also announced that the morning fried eggs are not, as the rumours say, 100% oil, but do, in fact, contain trace elements of chicken yolk and albumen.
"We have officially determined the oil-content to be about only 85% oil, but there definitely is egg somewhere in there. Those yellow-and-white lumps you get in the morning are not just foul, but also fowl," said Quisitive.

Since its release, the research report has sparked heated debate across campus.
"Just look at this," said Timothy Hunga, poking a brown mass with his fork. "I mean, we pay almost R15 to make the kitchen staff wake up at 5 in the morning to give us this and as much bread, jam, tea and coffee as we want, and they give us seconds for free. Why are they so cheap?" he asked.

Others have responded with apathy. "I'm vegan anyway," says UCT Classics and Photography exchange student Hugo Jobless. "I don't eat or use anything that's made of meat or from animal products, or undermines my retro dress sense," he said, putting his latest Apple products into his leather bag. When asked what/when he does eat, he just shrugged.
"I'll be fine: dying of starvation is too mainstream."

The International Office has, however, met the findings with grave concerns, in particular with the fired eggs.
"Having seen what has happened to places like Iraq and Afghanistan when scientists discover large oil deposits, we now face a valid fear that America is going to try and bring democracy to our kitchens," said Head of International Relations, Miss Ila Stark.

The Rhodes Officer for Resident Operations, Mr Orga Naais, said that the University has, "embrace[d] the findings, which debunk so many hurtful rumours." In celebration, they have added a new option to the menu, "At least 10% chicken and (something that passes for) beans with rice".

"We are just glad that these horrible rumours have been put to rest."

Rhode University cancels construction of pools

Rhodes University has today announced its decision to cancel the construction of three new swimming pools, says Head of Campus Constructions, Buildmore Stuuf.

“You see, we noticed that all along Prince Alfred street there were these spots already cleared and excavated, some of them with water already in them. We figured these would be prime spots for new pools, and had gotten well into construction when the Department of Roadworks called us and asked to leave their potholes alone.”

Stuuf says that relationships between Rhodes and the DoR have since turned into to a “holey mess”.
“Not unlike half the roads in South Africa,” he added.

The decision has left many students and local residence disappointed.
“It would have been great,” said Fine Arts student Havno Realjob. “There is a lot of parking there, and it’s very easy access.”

Another student, Vuyo Ristic, who asked not to be named, said that the new pools would have allowed more opportunities to visit the “meat-market”. “Now I have to creep on facebook, just like every other normal human being,” he said.

Marion Nomajor Riteoff, a BSC student, said that the call to stop construction was saddening. “The new development would have been perfect for late-returning party-goers, journalism students, and those sad fools living up the hill. Sometimes I get sweaty and tired on the way back up the hill from lectures, so having not one but three swimming pools would have made perfect sense.”

The first of the three pools, The Nelson Mandela honourary swimming pool, had almost neared completion.

Construction of the other pools was well ahead of schedule before its sudden termination.

However, the call has been met with support by the Hellenic Society. “With so many of our toga-clad members going home late at night having  drank themselves almost to death attended our society's events that support a strong heritage of Hellenic culture, the three pools may have caused many accidents. We simply can’t have so many members of our club accidently drowning on their way home,” said the society's media representative, Agnes Bailout Maralous.

The proposed pools had originally made headlines, and were lauded by the Dean of Water Studies, Mr John Steenkamp, as one of the first systems to utilise entirely natural methods in its filling and maintenance. “Since these roads have no drainage capabilities anyway and become massive rivers each time it rains, we thought we might as well take advantage of the situation. We don’t even need chlorine: the water is already full of aluminium and arsenic, so there is no danger of germs. Also, the pools fill through natural rainfall, meaning that wastage is minimised. This really could have made waves in the modern architectural community”, he said.

The Students Representative Council has also expressed its disappointment, saying that the decision was a step back for both students and transformation. “This is another missed opportunity to have another thing in the world named after Nelson Mandela,“ said SRC Transformation Representative, Givita Newname.

The proposed pool sites have since been filled in and reconstructed to look kind of like a shitty road.

Spear painting "a sick misrepresentation"

The South African National Congressional Peoples' Party Movement Party for the Furtherance of People's Power Association of South Africa... Party, said today that Brett Murray's infamous painting entitled "The Spear" was a "misleading" representation of our president, and an affront to his dignity.

In a press conference this morning, Jones Sensor Shipindwe, president of the SANCPPMPoFPPASAP, told gathered journalists that the painting was no true indickation, sorry, indication of Zuma.

"Just look at that silly picture. There's no way it's that small. If you're going to be racist and stereotypical, at least follow the normal stereotypes," he said, sipping a crystal tumbler of Chivas Regal. "As a president with so many wives and children, it offends me for someone to think that someone that small could get so many wives."

When asked whether it might be the government kickbacks, spending allowance, pension, medical and schooling benefits, transport allowances, free trips to Morroco and rare Siberian White Tiger pet allowances that were the main reason for so much love-interest, he scoffed.

"You racists, you think that just because a man is in government he has so much money," he said, wiping cocaine and truffle stains off his Georgi Armani custom-tailored suit with a gold-and-diamond-fringed rare albino pandaskin handkerchief. "We are rooted in the power of the masses, and we serve their interests loyally." He could not make further comment, as his personal chauffeur came in telling him that his gold-plated limousine was waiting to take him to the airport, where a private G7 jet would take him to a "people's empowerment conference" in the Bahamas.

Meanwhile, professors of Manhood and Sexual studies have debunked Shipindwe's claims with empirical evidence. "It's very easy for someone to think that such a powerful figure would pack more meat, but studies suggest that the usual, fully-dressed, no-junk-hanging-out bulge we see, is in fact his wallet packed with our taxpayers' hard-earned dollars," said Richard Hungli Keamouse, Dean of the Sex Studies school at Boston College. "Historical evidence has shown that big pricks usually tend to come with small ones."

Since the painting's release, there has been a massive outcry and debate about it.

"How can I focus on issues like rape, theft, corruption, embezzlement, xenophobia and gay-hate when that painting is still hanging up?" said Thomas Apatheticos.

Others still have questioned the arrest and treatment of the two men charged with defacing the painting.

"Why did they only beat the black guy? Police brutality should affect us all equally!" said James Msimba.

Many more still have spear-headed, I mean "lead" a campaign to ban the painting.

"We will not go back to our crime-ridden and poverty-stricken towns until this horrible image is removed!" said Tim Johnson.

Meanwhile, the painting has spawned millions of copies and tongue-in-cheek copies, one of which shows Nelson Mandela laughing whilst inferring with a small pinch of the fingers that the member on display is, in fact puny.

Mandela could not be reached for comment, because, even at his age, he was too busy heading several massive charities that deal with the real problems in South Africa, like HIV and the thousands of orphans.

Les memoires d'un tel vieil homme

"Le Temps court et s'écoule et notre mort seule arrive à le rattraper. La Photographie est un couperet qui dans l'éternité saisit l'instant qui l'a éblouie." - Henri Cartier-Bresson

Viens, mon ami. Assises-toi  près du feu ; reste pour une seconde. Il y a du temps ; quand on  vieillit, on a du temps. Moi, je suis vieux ; j’ ai vu plus de cinquante hivers froids et des printemps parfumés. Regarde ces trois photos ! Ouais, bien sûr j’en ai des dizaines d’autres, mais ces trois  incarnent mes souvenirs sans pareils ! Chaque photo raconte une histoire tout en montrant un moment qui m’a changé . Va ! Touche-les, je t’en prie ! Laisse-moi te raconter mon histoire…

De la violence et de la haine inutiles

Voyons la première photo! Ah, je me souviens comme c’était hier! C’est une image assez violente, non ? Cet homme, c’était un ancien combattant. C’est quoi,  me demanderais-tu ?  Eh bien, au Zimbabwe, cela veut dire « quelqu’un qui n’est pas assez âgé pour avoir combattu dans une  guerre, mais qui aimerait bien ce titre pour profiter des avantages ». C’est l’un des visages innombrables qui  ont pillé le Zimbabwe : l’un des multiples visages qui ont tué des innocents,  haï des paisibles citoyens, et volé des terres et divisé des milliers de familles. C’est une image qui me remplit d’amertume, penserais-tu ? Non, mon ami, j’ai fait ma paix. Quand j’étais plus jeune, peut-être cette image inspirait l’amertume dans mon âme, mais avec du temps  elle m’invite au pardon. Le pardon de tous les crimes commis contre moi. La vie est trop courte pour être rancunier !

Le début d'une passion

La deuxième photo ! Ah, regardes, c’est moi, dix-neuf ans, guitare à la main. Je suis si jeune : un corps musclé, les cheveux à l’état sauvage, rempli de jeunesse et l’arrogance qui l’accompagne toujours. C’était min premier concert. C’était dans un petit bar qui s’appelle Pirates. Je l’avais joué (elle s’est appelé Layla) depuis ma seizième anniversaire, mais ici, dans cette photo, c’est la première fois que je joue et chante en publique. Ah, je souviens la foule, dans ce bar plein à craquer. Ces gens ont crié, et m'accompagnaient en chantant. Mon ami, tu n’as pointe vécu jusqu’à t’as sentir la clameur de la foule contre ta peau, si vive qu’elle remplit tes poumons et ta cœur. C’est la raison pourquoi j’adore la musique et la guitare en particulière : le caractère léger de ses accords doux retentit partout dans mon cœur  comme des ondes qui se brisent contre mon âme.

Le travail acharné et des sacrifices apportent la gloire  

Et  voilà enfin, la dernière photo ! À vingt ans, je venais de remporter la plus grande régate de l’Afrique du Sud – le fameux Boatrace. Regarde-moi, un sourire charmant aux lèvres illuminait un visage joyeux, le bras  aux épaules de mes camarades, une médaille prestigieuse pend autour de mon cou. Je m’étais entrainé depuis sept mois ; j’avais parcouru presque 1 900 kilomètres de course à pied et à l’aviron. Chaque matin je me levais à cinq heures et demie, bien avant le lever du soleil. Moi,  j’adorais vraiment la rivière de Port Alfred : la beauté naturelle de ses hauts arbres dégarnis qui  dépassaient le buisson vert comme des doigts squelettiques. Cette beauté est pareille au songe qui se garde longtemps au réveil.  Mes mains étaient couvertes d’ampoules profondes et douloureuses, et mon dos accablé de douleurs atroces. Et c'était la période décisive de ma vie. Je venais de me rendre compte qu’avec plus de travail et de persévérance plus rien ne me serait impossible.

Mon ami, je te demande: qu'est-ce que tu ferras dans ta vie? Des grandes choses? Ton present, deveindras-t-il un belle passé que tu peux cherir dans ta viellesse? Moi, je reponds « oui ». Un jour, j'espere que tu reponderas du même facon.